Poll: Am I Controlling?

[Dango]

*looks at title* Yeah, probably.

*reads* Yeah, just about.
Doesn't seem like you're really "in control", though. Which I imagine bugs the shit out of you.

Listen. You don't really trust her at all, do you? If that's so, why are you even with her?
Relationships are all about trust. That's why they suck so much when they turn sour. If you don't trust her, it's not really a relationship. It's regular (or not) sex where at least one party assumes they own the other.

And this "chioce" you are giving her? It boils down to "do as I say or I am leaving".
I want you to explain to me how this isn't controlling. Go on. Have a go. I fucking dare you.

Im saying that if she wants to stay with me than she cant cheat on me. thats just a relationship not being controlling

So spending time with people other than you that she no longer has feelings for it's cheating? Now you're starting to sound paranoid.

Not with anyone and i mean if shes hanging out with her ex boyfriend every weekend than i know something is going wrong at that point i would break up w/ her i dont care if she hangs out with any other guy

OK, well that sounds fine, but there's absolutely nothing wrong with her hanging out with her ex-boyfriend every once and a while. And also, I just thought that you might want to tell us what kind of person she is, that might help us understand why you don't trust her... or make us yell at you even more, wither way you still should.

Hmm uhm what do you mean by person uhm shes idk ill just try and say as much as i can and you pick out what helps. Shes outgoing (hyper) never shy to talk to new people, can never officially hate some one and goes crazy if someone hates her (cares way too much about what others think) I do trust her. I had 100% trust in her before she did that and now she just has to gain it back which she already has since she told me like 3 weeks ago what she did. she literally was balling when she told me and i could barely understand what she said so idk how to classify that but yeah. uhm if you want to know anything else just ask cause again im not too sure what you are looking for

Awwwww, she sounds sweet...

Anyways! She sounds like a pretty trustworthy person, and the fact that she was crying her eyes out when she told you makes it seem like she really regrets it and wouldn't do something like that again, and to be honest it makes you look a bit more controlling. Even though I'm the same age as you (and our birthdays are three days apart ) and I understand why you'd be so worried, I'm starting to sympathize with her a lot than I am with you.

Also, it's spelled "bawling", when you say "balling" all I can do is imagine a girl playing basketball...

 

[SpecklePattern]

*snip*

Hmmm.

A relationship shouldn't be this hard. She should want to be with you, you shouldn't have to fight and create rules and boundaries regarding another guy. I understand how you want to keep them apart, but really, you shouldn't have to be doing that in the first place. If she really loved you this ex-boyfriend of hers wouldn't even be in the picture like he is, and she wouldn't have cheated.

She isn't ready to move on, its that simple.

She still has feeling for this guy and wants to be with him. Even though you've made rules, I am willing to bet that when you aren't around she's still contacting him and maybe even physically contacting him as well. She did it before, she'll continue to do so.

So, you like her, maybe even love her. Is it fair to YOU to give your heart to someone who's heart is dedicated to someone else? Is this the way you want this relationship to play out?

I really can't put my thoughts better than Easy Street puts it. I fully agree with him.

She should want to be with you, you shouldn't have to fight and create rules and boundaries regarding another guy.

That is why I think you should break up with her. I am not saying it is easy, but it really seems that she is not ready to move on.

I actually had this kind of affair going on and I said to that girl something like "I think this is not working, as you are too attached to past. Relationship should be focused to live together with someone, not to spread the uncertain emotions from previous relationships to the new parther. I really like you and if you are some day ready to move on to new relationship and handled your past, please give me a call. Untill then our thing is over." And when we got our own stuff from each other's flats, she said something like "I guess I was living in the past. But I had really fun with you." Which broke my heart because I had to say that "Now see? The thing I wanted to hear that you would have wanted to be with me, not that you had just fun."

 

[Mr. Google]

*looks at title* Yeah, probably.

*reads* Yeah, just about.
Doesn't seem like you're really "in control", though. Which I imagine bugs the shit out of you.

Listen. You don't really trust her at all, do you? If that's so, why are you even with her?
Relationships are all about trust. That's why they suck so much when they turn sour. If you don't trust her, it's not really a relationship. It's regular (or not) sex where at least one party assumes they own the other.

And this "chioce" you are giving her? It boils down to "do as I say or I am leaving".
I want you to explain to me how this isn't controlling. Go on. Have a go. I fucking dare you.

Im saying that if she wants to stay with me than she cant cheat on me. thats just a relationship not being controlling

So spending time with people other than you that she no longer has feelings for it's cheating? Now you're starting to sound paranoid.

Not with anyone and i mean if shes hanging out with her ex boyfriend every weekend than i know something is going wrong at that point i would break up w/ her i dont care if she hangs out with any other guy

OK, well that sounds fine, but there's absolutely nothing wrong with her hanging out with her ex-boyfriend every once and a while. And also, I just thought that you might want to tell us what kind of person she is, that might help us understand why you don't trust her... or make us yell at you even more, wither way you still should.

Hmm uhm what do you mean by person uhm shes idk ill just try and say as much as i can and you pick out what helps. Shes outgoing (hyper) never shy to talk to new people, can never officially hate some one and goes crazy if someone hates her (cares way too much about what others think) I do trust her. I had 100% trust in her before she did that and now she just has to gain it back which she already has since she told me like 3 weeks ago what she did. she literally was balling when she told me and i could barely understand what she said so idk how to classify that but yeah. uhm if you want to know anything else just ask cause again im not too sure what you are looking for

Awwwww, she sounds sweet...

Anyways! She sounds like a pretty trustworthy person, and the fact that she was crying her eyes out when she told you makes it seem like she really regrets it and wouldn't do something like that again, and to be honest it makes you look a bit more controlling. Even though I'm the same age as you (and our birthdays are three days apart ) and I understand why you'd be so worried, I'm starting to sympathize with her a lot than I am with you.

Also, it's spelled "bawling", when you say "balling" all I can do is imagine a girl playing basketball...

Yeah when i posted it a second time i spelled it bawling cause i realized that balling is wrong lol. and yeah right now she has her phone taken away cause she was in a fight with her mom and blah blah blah unimportant stuff, yeah either way when she gets it back ill tell her that i trust her and i forgive her and you know the usual stuff hahaha

 

[Imp Poster]

So how long have you guys been going out? Doesn't seem that long. I want to make some points to think about.
1) I hope you know this predicament you are in is not a making of a good relationship. No matter if it is controlling or not, ultimatums are just too much work and probably don't work to the best. You may say your relationship is good right now, but what about when it gets bad. You guys argue/fight? You want to play "detective" all the time when you feel insecure about the relationship?
2) Why are you listening to her friends? They are their for her, not you. Of coarse, they are going to make you feel comfortable/good of staying with her, that's her friends.
3) To make it clear, you don't trust her with him. It takes two people to get together. I would assume you only have a relationship with her and not him. So when they are together, it is the trust you have with her not him.
4) This is the hardest part in which you are going to have to listen to your gut. I could understand giving her another CHANCE not a choice. She did cheat early in your relationship and maybe deemed it as a mistake. The ex was her first love and maybe find it difficult to let go herself. Yes, we don't know what you are really dealing with as a whole, so we aren't the best source of advice here. Don't you have friends that you can talk to about this?

 

[Cain_Zeros]

Yes, you are being a little controlling. You never said outright that you forbid or from seeing him, but saying "I'll break up with you if you see him" is the exact same thing. If you said "I forbid you" she could, in theory, still do so, probably to much the same result. How you word it doesn't change the intent behind it.

 

[Sexual Harassment Panda]

Jesus...how do you have such a complicated time at 15 years old? Go have some fun, leave the drama for later in life.

 

[The Unworthy Gentleman]

At first I saw that you were telling her not to see him giving her the choice to be with you or him, which gave me the idea that you were controlling... then I seen she cheated so you're totally cool by me. I'd have dumped her or at least left it to the flip of a coin.

 

[Gudrests]

I understand your point....but to be honest this probally wont last very long..she cheated on you once already...im sorry bro sometimes it really sucks

 

[Mr. Google]

So how long have you guys been going out? Doesn't seem that long. I want to make some points to think about.
1) I hope you know this predicament you are in is not a making of a good relationship. No matter if it is controlling or not, ultimatums are just too much work and probably don't work to the best. You may say your relationship is good right now, but what about when it gets bad. You guys argue/fight? You want to play "detective" all the time when you feel insecure about the relationship?
2) Why are you listening to her friends? They are their for her, not you. Of coarse, they are going to make you feel comfortable/good of staying with her, that's her friends.
3) To make it clear, you don't trust her with him. It takes two people to get together. I would assume you only have a relationship with her and not him. So when they are together, it is the trust you have with her not him.
4) This is the hardest part in which you are going to have to listen to your gut. I could understand giving her another CHANCE not a choice. She did cheat early in your relationship and maybe deemed it as a mistake. The ex was her first love and maybe find it difficult to let go herself. Yes, we don't know what you are really dealing with as a whole, so we aren't the best source of advice here. Don't you have friends that you can talk to about this?

2 months
1. im telling her no more ultimatum just a chance to not mess up again she do what ever she wants. We barley ever argue never anything big. Neither of us play detective. She offered to me the choice of seeing all the txts that she sends and recieves on her phone at the end of the day so i know nothing is up and i was like definitely not needed thats fine i trust you
2. Im not listening to her friend im just wondering what other people think and if shes right
3. You're right ive never met the guy and hes tried to break me and her up a matter of like 5 times now only 1 being succesful because me and her werent actually going out but we were going to if that makes sense and he like arg he got into her facebook because he knew her password and pretended to be her which was super douchey and he tried doing that another 3 times to each i totally ignored because she didnt even have a computer it was broken.
4. refer to answer #2
Yeah i dont want to tell my friends about everything that we do and i sorta wanted an overall outside party unbiased you know

 

[Mr. Google]

Jesus...how do you have such a complicated time at 15 years old? Go have some fun, leave the drama for later in life.

I have asked myself that same question haha and once we can put this all behind us thatll be my main goal in life dont worry haha

 

[spartan1077]

You shouldn't control what she does.

 

[garfoldsomeoneelse]

Awwwww, she sounds sweet...

Anyways! She sounds like a pretty trustworthy person, and the fact that she was crying her eyes out when she told you makes it seem like she really regrets it and wouldn't do something like that again, and to be honest it makes you look a bit more controlling. Even though I'm the same age as you (and our birthdays are three days apart ) and I understand why you'd be so worried, I'm starting to sympathize with her a lot than I am with you.

Also, it's spelled "bawling", when you say "balling" all I can do is imagine a girl playing basketball...

Yeah when i posted it a second time i spelled it bawling cause i realized that balling is wrong lol. and yeah right now she has her phone taken away cause she was in a fight with her mom and blah blah blah unimportant stuff, yeah either way when she gets it back ill tell her that i trust her and i forgive her and you know the usual stuff hahaha

OP, I get the feeling you're just looking for someone to validate the decision you've already made, rather than seeking actual advice. I don't advocate listening to any one person over another, but you seem awfully quick to consider the situation resolved as soon as someone confidently tells you what you want to hear. I advise giving serious thought to every post in this thread, rather than fishing out the people who are willing to validate your hopes and considering them infallible because what they're saying feels right.

I'm not trying to be a dick, I'm just speaking from experience: a long time ago, I was in a poisonous relationship, and almost everybody I talked to said that I was in trouble; sadly, I only listened to the minority of idealists who told me that everything was going to be fine, because that's all I was comfortable believing. I wanted to think that my "wonderful" relationship was going to last forever and ever, and that everyone who said otherwise was just bitter, jealous, ignorant to the circumstances, or just an asshole, but everybody that told me to watch my ass turned out to be right. I even ended up personally apologizing to certain people for being aggressively defensive about my situation.

So, just... keep an open mind, OP. I'd hate to see anybody go down the same road that I did.

 

[Woodsey]

You have "forbidden" her?

You should tell her you rather she didn't see him if avoidable, not forbid it. The fact that you use that word makes you sound like a bit of a psycho.

I didnt use that word i know that it looks like i did because...well in the post i used the word forbid but as u can see as how i edited it i never actually said forbid i gave her a choice. I never even said the word forbid to her

What choice?

"Never see him or I'll leave you." Very mature.

What the hell am i supposed to say? go ahead see him and ill just be here confused and sad? She doesnt even want to see him shed rather be with me. She made a mistake she makes a lot of mistakes we all do

In which case you shouldn't need to provide said choice to begin with.

 

[V TheSystem V]

If she did that 12 days into your relationship it wasn't as if you had gone really far, would have been easier to have dumped her then, sorry for being so blunt. But if I were in your position I would have done the same as you have done, because I can't let something go which I care about.

One of my friends kinda had this problem, but it wasn't with her boyfriend threatening to break up with her, it was just his attitude towards male friends and her exes. She didn't talk to any of her exes any more, except for one who she talked to briefly and, for the first 2 weeks of her first relationship, said to one of her friends he thought he might like her again. He had hurt her a lot in the past, thank God she thought it was hilarious and sad.

Anyway, her boyfriend was jealous of me, as me and her were really close. She used to come over my house or I go over her's after college (I am the year above her, and this is the British education system), and we wouldn't even do anything that would make people suspicious; all we did was play Halo, watch films or just go on mine or her laptop and stuff. The first time I saw her after they started going out, I was over her house and he said that he wanted to talk to her on MSN while I was there. I was helping her revise for her Chemistry tests, but I understood him wanting to talk to her and stuff because they had only been going out a couple of days. A month later, however, she came over, but the day before she had told her boyfriend about this he said that he wanted us to be on webcam while she was over my house. I said OK, and so we had our webcam on at my house. He looked very moody, and she even commented on this. After this happened, I rarely saw her. Saw her at Christmas and me, her and some others went to the cinema from time to time, but she always had plans whenever I asked to meet up at other times. I didn't see her for two months at one point, and when you go from seeing each other every week to not seeing each other for two months, you know something's up. After their break up, I asked her if he was responsible for her absence from my social life, and she said 'Well, we didn't see each other for two months, did we?'

Sorry it's a long post, but you have to understand how someone who doesn't even have an interest in someone can feel if someone is jealous of them, and prevents them from seeing one of their mates. Think about how her ex might feel, but then again, if he is a douche and has tried it on with her, then you are right with being annoyed with her seeing him. If, however, it is unpreventable, like if they are in the same school or something, you'll just have to live with it. You can't control her whole life.

 

[Lucifron]

OP

I don't think that you are at all controlling, but you shouldn't trust with anything personal. At all. She seems like the kind of person that would tell all of her girlfriends how you liked to get tickled in the ass while she gave you head within a week after the breakup.

Also, don't marry her.

 

[Lucifron]

(not forbid read the edit #2)

An ultimatum is just as bad dude.
'Don't perform your action or my consequence will follow.'

Not really, it depends on the ultimatum. In his case, it's a test of her trust. If she can't keep her hands off of her ex, he will dump her. That's not bad, it's natural. It's the standing, often unspoken, ultimatum in most relationships.

 

[Mr. Google]

Awwwww, she sounds sweet...

Anyways! She sounds like a pretty trustworthy person, and the fact that she was crying her eyes out when she told you makes it seem like she really regrets it and wouldn't do something like that again, and to be honest it makes you look a bit more controlling. Even though I'm the same age as you (and our birthdays are three days apart ) and I understand why you'd be so worried, I'm starting to sympathize with her a lot than I am with you.

Also, it's spelled "bawling", when you say "balling" all I can do is imagine a girl playing basketball...

Yeah when i posted it a second time i spelled it bawling cause i realized that balling is wrong lol. and yeah right now she has her phone taken away cause she was in a fight with her mom and blah blah blah unimportant stuff, yeah either way when she gets it back ill tell her that i trust her and i forgive her and you know the usual stuff hahaha

OP, I get the feeling you're just looking for someone to validate the decision you've already made, rather than seeking actual advice. I don't advocate listening to any one person over another, but you seem awfully quick to consider the situation resolved as soon as someone confidently tells you what you want to hear. I advise giving serious thought to every post in this thread, rather than fishing out the people who are willing to validate your hopes and considering them infallible because what they're saying feels right.

I'm not trying to be a dick, I'm just speaking from experience: a long time ago, I was in a poisonous relationship, and almost everybody I talked to said that I was in trouble; sadly, I only listened to the minority of idealists who told me that everything was going to be fine, because that's all I was comfortable believing. I wanted to think that my "wonderful" relationship was going to last forever and ever, and that everyone who said otherwise was just bitter, jealous, ignorant to the circumstances, or just an asshole, but everybody that told me to watch my ass turned out to be right. I even ended up personally apologizing to certain people for being aggressively defensive about my situation.

So, just... keep an open mind, OP. I'd hate to see anybody go down the same road that I did.

I totally get what you are saying and i understand what a lot of people are trying to tell me. At this point im trying to look at it at as many angles as possible and i really am trying to open my mind up to it and i dont see a reason to break up with her at this point or her break up with me. If it does turn south and i notice something go wrong like you are talking about i will definitely try and remember this and take it into consideration but yeah i am siding with what i want to hear because its what i believe and im 15. in my mind everything should go my way so yeah im biased towards myself and ive considered reasons to break up with her and i really can only think of the fact that she cheated on me once but quickly realized her mistake and then personally told me. Not even through a txt or anything but face to face because she understood that what she did was wrong and was hoping like hell i didnt leave her for it. I told her a few minutes ago that i wont control what she does and she can see him and talk to him if she wants and she said that she doesnt want to just because that would risk our relationship and our new relationship is way more important than her old one with a guy who was a total dick head. but again i say if i notice that its starting to go bad and a lot of people are telling me to just end it i will try and reweigh my options and reasons. Thanks for the concern

 

[Mr. Google]

OP

I don't think that you are at all controlling, but you shouldn't trust with anything personal. At all. She seems like the kind of person that would tell all of her girlfriends how you liked to get tickled in the ass while she gave you head within a week after the breakup.

Also, don't marry her.

lol i like your example past experience? no im kidding dont worry. and she really isnt we've done a lot of things that she still doesnt tell anyone including her "biffy" (best friend my god do i hate when she says biffy though) and dude im 15 im not really considering marrying her yet. Either way i trust with everything personal because she trust me with he personal things

 

[laol1999]

i think you need to be more specific than "if you ever see him again i will break up with you"
if they say hi when passing on the street its not a big deal
if by "see him again" you mean she cheats on you then deffinatly

 

[Daniel Laeben-Rosen]

Look, if you don't feel you can trust her, just break up with her. You're obviously young, so I'll give you a free tip from the elderly: trust is key in a relationship.