Poll: Am I disgusting for not paying for the first date?

[Zac Jovanovic]

Yes you are, you make me sick.

I don't think I ever paid the entire bill, I'm usually ready to but all the girls I ever dated insisted on sharing the bill.
But if they didn't I would just pay it and not make much of it.

 

[Bara_no_Hime]

**snip**

As a woman, I honestly prefer bill-splitting on first dates.

I mean, if the guy insists, I'm not going to say no (free meals are nice) but I'm happy (and expect) to pay my share.

Oh, and is the man paying for the first date sexist? Yes. To the man. Sexism isn't always about being unfair to women, guys. Expecting the man to pay is technically an anti-male sexist stereotype.

Remember: Sexism just means "treating men and women differently based on their sex alone".

 

[Tenkage]

I prefer to pay out of politness, but thats mostly because my family and her's are friends and her mother buys me and her a lot of stuff, so I figured I be a little even. Me split the bill on the dates. Unless you are rolling in dough and she isn't. If she is rolling in dough and you aren't and she forces you to pay (Archie and Veronica comes to mind) drop her

 

[Exterminas]

It is simple:

You should offer to pay. If she declines your offer, that's okay. But you should be mentally and financially prepared to pay.

Yes, romance is very female-centric in regards to the money spending in our society (Weddings, Proposals, Vallentine's Day). Take it as balance for the fact that women are being paid less for the same jobs.

 

[LegendaryVKickr]

I wouldn't say disgusting at all. However, on a first date, where the girl doesn't know you, and your views on not paying, she could very easily write you off as inconsiderate.

You might find that even though there is a huge push for woman to be on the same ground as men (and why shouldn't they be?) You'll most always get bonus points for holding the door, paying for dinner during the date, and so on. Because despite equality, it's a generous thing to do. It's still very much a world that is, unfortunately, controlled by men. So at least pay for her dinner. You're not facing a issues like a glass ceiling or maternity leave in your future on the career path.

However, if you get money out to pay and she stops you and insists on paying for her own food, so be it.

I always play it safe. I'd rather put an extra $10-$20 down if it means a potential relationship.

And I have a girlfriend after my last date, so consider this is a post from a man who has had success in the dating scene.

 

[Olas]

It seems stupid to me, granted I'm a man so I have a possible bias here, but it seems like it undermines the very idea of 'equality' which is what we're trying to strive for I thought. I can think of a few possible ways to split the bill.

Divide by two, each person pays half. (Requires some math)

Each person pays the price of their own meal.

Alternate paying every other date (wouldn't work well if there's only one)

The person who chooses the restaurant pays. (You may end up eating at lots of cheap restaurants)

Dine and dash, zero divided by 2 is zero. (I'm not advocating this, just listing it as a possibility)

**snip**

As a woman, I honestly prefer bill-splitting on first dates.

I mean, if the guy insists, I'm not going to say no (free meals are nice) but I'm happy (and expect) to pay my share.

Oh, and is the man paying for the first date sexist? Yes. To the man. Sexism isn't always about being unfair to women, guys. Expecting the man to pay is technically an anti-male sexist stereotype.

Remember: Sexism just means "treating men and women differently based on their sex alone".

I think you could interpret it as being anti-female as well since it probably originated from the mindset that men are generally the breadwinners and have higher paying jobs and thus more money, whereas women are the weaker sex that needs to be protected and provided for. Even though women may benefit from it, the justification for it could be seen as offensive towards them.

 

[Olas]

It is simple:

You should offer to pay. If she declines your offer, that's okay. But you should be mentally and financially prepared to pay.

Yes, romance is very female-centric in regards to the money spending in our society (Weddings, Proposals, Vallentine's Day). Take it as balance for the fact that women are being paid less for the same jobs.

Or how about for the fact that they're forced to haul around a baby for 9 laborious months. I don't envy that.

 

[The Almighty Aardvark]

That's sort of my thought at this point as well. Maybe I'm just old or something (and I don't doubt I'm older than many of the other users here), but I find one of the bigger problems to be that this is being turned into some sort of moral/philosophical/ethical/etc. debate. To me, it's not about being sexist or genderist, it's just about being a gentleman.

Why can this gentlemanly attitude only go one way though? I just think that it sets a bad precedence of setting it to be the man's role in the relationship (while not necessarily his only role) to dote on their partner. It's the kind of thing that I'd want to see going both ways if anything.

On a first date I'd probably suggest splitting the bill, if she comes up short then I'd offer to cover her. If I came up short I wouldn't feel embarrassed if she offered to cover me. I don't see why the expectation should be that the man is the only one who should be offering polite considerations. Not to mention that splitting the bill is probably a good way of gauging the relationship potential. If she's offended or upset by the notion of splitting the bill then then chances are I wouldn't want to go on a second date anyways.

I wouldn't call the act of offering to pay for the first date sexist in of itself, but the tradition comes from sexist roots. The bigger problem is the expectation, and the fact that a lot of guys would be offended if the girl offered to pay

EDIT: Actually, I'm going to revise my answer a bit. After reading some of the responses I think that having the person who asked for the date or decided the place pay sounds entirely fair as well. I'd still prefer to split the bill, but if you were the one who asked your date out and chose the place I can see the logic in sparing them an expense they otherwise might not have wanted to make.

 

[Squilookle]

I treat my dates as equals, and generally assume we will be splitting the bill/taking turns to pay for things we do during the first date. Done a lot of dates this way, and never, ever had a problem with it. It may also be because I don't do anything too big on a first date. No silly extravagant dinners or stuff like that. Keep it simple, light, and fun.

I've heard some girls get uncomfortable when a guy pays, because it feels a bit like now they owe the guy something. I can see where they're coming from with this.

 

[AngloDoom]

Man here.

I always offer to pay for meals if I'm going out with someone for the same reason I often buy my close friend a coffee when I see him: I like treating people. That said, if it's your idea to go out for a 'date', then you should probably expect to pay.

Though I've split the bill with women before and paid for the entire thing myself several times, I do admit I've only ever had one woman offer to pay for the meal and - for some reason - I felt bad and quite embarrassed that she paid for it all. It genuinely felt like I had somehow 'failed' and that I was coming across as quite greedy...despite it being her idea, and it being my birthday. It's stupid, I know, but I hate anyone paying for something for me - doubly so if that 'anyone' is a ladyfriend I'm trying to impress; even for genuinely excusable reasons.

 

[xyrafhoan]

Honestly as a female, I don't think a man should be obligated to pay for a date. I find most restaurants are accommodating about splitting the bill, and to me it just seems fair to do just that. If someone INSISTS on paying, I won't say no, but I'm always ready to pay my own way.

 

[Blow_Pop]

My general rule of thumb is that whomever is asking the other out (unless otherwise specified) should pay. First date, 20th, 1000th, whatever. Unfortunately that almost never works with me and my friends(because the only dates I go on anymore are friendship dates) because they always take my wallet when I go to try and pay when I've invited them out and refuse to let me pay. This has resulted in quite a lot of arguments. I've also argued with boyfriends over this topic and my right to pay. Naturally, those were short lived relationships. I've come to an agreement with half my friends that they can pay if they let me pay next time and so on and so forth(basically taking turns paying for each other).

I like splitting the bill to be honest though. No matter what date I'm on.

But no, I don't think you are disgusting for that. But different strokes for different folks. I've always felt uncomfortable when someone else insists on paying for things I have money for. But that's a general dislike of people spending money on me.

Edit: I identify as genderfluid and feel most of the time that I am either neither male nor female or both which equates more to being androgynous and as such 90% of the time don't feel like a female even when I get read that way.

 

[PFCboom]

I can get quite insistent with my politeness. On more than one occasion I've uttered the phrase "Accept my generosity, you twit!"
OP, I don't think it's disgusting at all. Part of a healthy, equal relationship is that both parties feels like they're contributing, even in paying for stuff.

 

[Kekkonen1]

For the first couple of dates, yeah I pay. It just feels more date-ish. I still often pay for both of us even though we have been together for almost 8 years, but as time has gone by I have become more open to letting her pay at times or often just splitting the costs.

 

[J Tyran]

Not paying for a date isn't disgusting in my opinion, never paying for any dates you have with a partner is distasteful because that is just being moocher/user.

 

[Daniel Ferguson]

The simplest rule would be: the one who does the asking out, has to be willing and able to pay. They may then offer, but the other party may pay for themselves, or pay half the total, or whatever, if they wish.

Depends who's "progressive" and who's "traditional" and "romantic" etc. Crazy world we live in, these days, and all that.

 

[Risingblade]

The one who asked the other out should be the one to pay.

 

[PureChaos]

I'm on a dating site and I have been out on a few dates but none of them turned into anything. Problem is, I was paying for the dates and it was costing me a fortune having to pay every time but I felt like I had to because 'the guy is supposed to pay'.

 

[Yopaz]

If it's obvious you're going on a date, and if you're the one who asked for the date, then yes you absolutely should pay. Disgusting is a harsh word for the situation, but it's definitely ungentlemanly.

Yeah, my firstnthough here that even if I did disagree strongly on this I wouldn't call it disgusting. Disgusting isn't a word I use on people who bump into someone on the street without apologizing.

Honestly, if you asked her out then you should at least offer to pay. You don't invite dinner guests to your home then charge them for their share of the cost of the meal (I hope!) and you don't invite someone out without making it clear if you eo expect them to pay for themselves. It's not a sexism thing, it's not a date thing, it's being polite.