Poll: Friends dating your ex

[Aanorith]

I live by the philosophy that most people would sell you down the river for a biscuit.

You will be lucky to find even 1 good friend in your life who has an honest relationship with you.
Otherwise, I would argue this bro was never really your friend. He was just someone you hung out with. Then he found some girl and ditched you.
Welcome to reality. It's a *****. But by the sounds of it who cares? She was a negative person anyway, and he is too much of a coward to admit something like that to you for 3 months and even then you had to hear it from a friend. You're better off without either.

Perhaps. Alot of my friends have bin doing the chestpounding "Dude, what a douch. Screw em!".
But I do want us to be friends. And ill make it work. Like I said in an earlier post, a night of pondering and different opinions help put things in perspective. Thanks for your thoughts.

 

[Angerwing]

Alright, I told one of my best mates that I liked a mutual female friend of ours, and after I told him this, he told me he liked a DIFFERENT mutual female friend. All fine and dandy, we promised to help the other one out in that department, as wingmen.

Anyway, about 2 weeks later I was completely blindsided when my friend told me he was now going out with the girl I told him I liked. WTF? Anyway, I was extremely pissed; this girl was my dream girl. But I still forgave him, because I knew that if I was in his situation I probably would've done things quite similar.

He did do the whole 'ignoring his friends completely to spend time with her', which pissed me off massively, and I even exploded at him one day and just tore into him about it. He wouldn't go to parties if she wasn't going, he wouldn't come out to the movies with us, he was too busy to even catch up with some of us for lunch. The only times we would see him were at school (we've since graduated), and even then he spent the whole time texting her. Pathetic.

He's cleared up his act a bit, but he's still not the same.

 

[JanatUrlich]

Fuck the girl/bro-code, getting laid is what counts!

 

[BlindMessiah94]

I live by the philosophy that most people would sell you down the river for a biscuit.

You will be lucky to find even 1 good friend in your life who has an honest relationship with you.
Otherwise, I would argue this bro was never really your friend. He was just someone you hung out with. Then he found some girl and ditched you.
Welcome to reality. It's a *****. But by the sounds of it who cares? She was a negative person anyway, and he is too much of a coward to admit something like that to you for 3 months and even then you had to hear it from a friend. You're better off without either.

Perhaps. Alot of my friends have bin doing the chestpounding "Dude, what a douch. Screw em!".
But I do want us to be friends. And ill make it work. Like I said in an earlier post, a night of pondering and different opinions help put things in perspective. Thanks for your thoughts.

No worries, whatever you decide just do yourself a favour and don't be taken advantage of - It is a noble enough quality to forgive and forget, but in my experience people tend to see that trait as a weakness and exploit it, so just be careful. Best of luck!

 

[driveBYargument]

I don't believe in any formal "code" or whatever. All is fair in love and war.
I'd say the only way your friends dating your ex would effect you being that you still had feelings for her. It is often said we do not realize what we have until it is lost. Even if this is not the case, it is quite a natural feeling to have as well when your ex moves on. It would've happened whether it was your friend or a complete stranger. I think its about time you moved on as well. I'm not going to tell you to "grow a pair and ignore it". Whatever it is that is still keeping you drawn to your ex, be it unfinished business or whatever, I say grow a pair and deal with it. If you ignore it you will only add to your own suffering. Your friends seem to believe that you are only speaking out of jealousy, clear up the misunderstanding. Or hey, we don't know the entire situation so maybe they are right? It is for you to decide and for you to sort out how you really feel.

 

[riskroWe]

It's simple, if your friend was happy with the breakup then it's all fair game. If not, don't be a dickhole.

I don't understand this forum's difficulty solving social problems.

 

[Milney]

here in my town if you like a girl its all you care about, if your friend likes her you both do your best to get her, if you succeed and then she cheates on you with your best friend its not your friends fault, she is the *****

Whilst I agree, no such thing as a "Bro-code" (in fact, I think all my close friends have a standing pacts that if we ever start saying "Bro", "Dude" or "Man" in conversation with one another [except sarcastically] that it gives the others free reign to kick some sense into them) the bolded text is just rediculous.

Yes, she cheated - but so did your "friend". Saying "she's a b*tch" and pardoning your friend is just... "simple" (in the most negative and sarcastic tone of voice possible). As people have said, it takes "Two to Tango" and if your friend is willing to bump uglies with someone you beat him for in a contest of affection behind you back, I have news for you, he's not a friend - he's just someone you hang around with to fill a void with.

Now, once you've relinquished (or had extinguished depending on the dump-er and dump-ee) fair game, getting riled up about who an 'Ex' is seeing is just petty.

 

[firedfns13]

It's simple, if your friend was happy with the breakup then it's all fair game. If not, don't be a dickhole.

Just happened to me. Except that my "friend" took her on a date while she was still involved with me.

 

[Jaranja]

Stupid idiots that can't move on.

[HEADING=1] I SPIT ON YOU! [/HEADING]

 

[Lucifron]

"Bro-code" sounds fratboyish and stupid. I usually refer to something called loyalty instead.

As for this case, your friend sounds like a dick; not telling you was a disloyal dick move. Asking you what her family likes for their birthdays is asshattery at its finest. He should've been open with it and just left everyone else out of it. If he thought getting it on with this chick would be worth the risk of losing you as a friend, then perhaps he is not a true friend. I mean, he didn't love her or anything, right?
The same goes for friend number 2, if it bothers you I guess.

My GF has a similar story. Her ex is a walking bag of douche: an unfaithful, ungrateful, pesudo-violent ugly asshole. And he is my GF:s former best friend's best friend. It is quite possible that they've had sex.
This idiot caused my GF untold harm, and made her overly cautious toward relationships as well as depressed for several months. A true friend does not make a fuckbuddy out of your asshole ex.

Stupid idiots that can't move on.

[HEADING=1] I SPIT ON YOU! [/HEADING]

You wouldn't agree that his friends taking turns with his ex and keeping him in the dark about is cause for a less hostile tone? It's not even about the chick, it's about his friends acting like shit. Now.

 

[Aanorith]

I don't believe in any formal "code" or whatever. All is fair in love and war.
I'd say the only way your friends dating your ex would effect you being that you still had feelings for her. It is often said we do not realize what we have until it is lost. Even if this is not the case, it is quite a natural feeling to have as well when your ex moves on. It would've happened whether it was your friend or a complete stranger. I think its about time you moved on as well. I'm not going to tell you to "grow a pair and ignore it". Whatever it is that is still keeping you drawn to your ex, be it unfinished business or whatever, I say grow a pair and deal with it. If you ignore it you will only add to your own suffering. Your friends seem to believe that you are only speaking out of jealousy, clear up the misunderstanding. Or hey, we don't know the entire situation so maybe they are right? It is for you to decide and for you to sort out how you really feel.

You have good points. I did have a chat with my friend, I sould prolly have a talk with both of them together and explain to them I am ok with this situation, I'm just afraid of our friendship. If I make that clear, perhaps we can clear up the current situation.

 

[cuddly_tomato]

Personal conduct, you don't move in on your mates former love. Doing this is just shitty. If you value a friendship with someone you won't move in on someone he or she has feelings for.

 

[JokerCrowe]

Well... It's a very difficult situation, I mean you want to remain freinds with your (exuse the phrase [sub]can't think of anything better..[/sub]) BFF, but at the same time, imagine if it was you. you're really in love with your best friends girlfriend, but they're togheter now, so you can't do anything (that is voilating the "bro-code" to me), but wait! they break up! he treated her very poorly and was only with her for the sex... (he's still your friend though) and you've had a crush on this girl for ages, it's just that your friend beat you to it. Does that mean that she's off limits? even if you would treat her right, and you get a feeling that she really likes you?
This is basically why I hesitate when I imagine being together with someone... it's a diffcult situation, but I think that if you really are deeply in love with this girl, and your realtionship would be a lot better/happier/loving than your friend and hers relationship, then go for it!
(since I'm a guy and straight, I only talk from the perspective of a straight guy, females and gay-males will have to fill in their oppinion, if they want to)

But I might just be talking out of my ass here...

 

[Aanorith]

Alright, I told one of my best mates that I liked a mutual female friend of ours, and after I told him this, he told me he liked a DIFFERENT mutual female friend. All fine and dandy, we promised to help the other one out in that department, as wingmen.

Anyway, about 2 weeks later I was completely blindsided when my friend told me he was now going out with the girl I told him I liked. WTF? Anyway, I was extremely pissed; this girl was my dream girl. But I still forgave him, because I knew that if I was in his situation I probably would've done things quite similar.

He did do the whole 'ignoring his friends completely to spend time with her', which pissed me off massively, and I even exploded at him one day and just tore into him about it. He wouldn't go to parties if she wasn't going, he wouldn't come out to the movies with us, he was too busy to even catch up with some of us for lunch. The only times we would see him were at school (we've since graduated), and even then he spent the whole time texting her. Pathetic.

He's cleared up his act a bit, but he's still not the same.

I definently feel ya. I just got off the phone with the first guy I mentioned and we're celebrating his birthday next weekend. We're getting there, hopefully more of his old friends will start accepting him again too.

 

[Aanorith]

Fuck the girl/bro-code, getting laid is what counts!

Whatever makes you happy man, go for it.

 

[HentMas]

here in my town if you like a girl its all you care about, if your friend likes her you both do your best to get her, if you succeed and then she cheates on you with your best friend its not your friends fault, she is the *****

Whilst I agree, no such thing as a "Bro-code" (in fact, I think all my close friends have a standing pacts that if we ever start saying "Bro", "Dude" or "Man" in conversation with one another [except sarcastically] that it gives the others free reign to kick some sense into them) the bolded text is just rediculous.

Yes, she cheated - but so did your "friend". Saying "she's a b*tch" and pardoning your friend is just... "simple" (in the most negative and sarcastic tone of voice possible). As people have said, it takes "Two to Tango" and if your friend is willing to bump uglies with someone you beat him for in a contest of affection behind you back, I have news for you, he's not a friend - he's just someone you hang around with to fill a void with.

Now, once you've relinquished (or had extinguished depending on the dump-er and dump-ee) fair game, getting riled up about who an 'Ex' is seeing is just petty.

well... let me tell you a little story!

once upon a time in "REAL WORLD" i was in love with a girl, i really wanted to be with her, but for one reason or another she wouldnt be with me

then the time came and i introduced her to my best friend, i told him beforehand i wanted to be with her, he knew that, but still, after hanging out 2 or 3 times toghether she started to date him

"well" i said "fair enough, just dont thing i am going to stop going after her just because she is with you" he laughed "yeah, no worries, i know i can thrust her" (yeah right)

so, after a few months of me going to see her and him being her boyfriend, in a party she grabed my hand and told me to go with her

we kissed (not exactly what i was expecting, i hoped she would dump my friend and go out with me) and she told me she really liked me, but she was not sure that i was for real, yeah, i asked her to go out the next day and we could talk in a more quiet enviromet, so, the next day we went out and started thalking, "what about Chuy?" i asked her, "i dont know, i dont know what to do but please dont tell him anything"

so i told her i could do that, but just for a day or two, because he was my friend and i couldnt keep lying to him

that same day my friend came to my house and weirded out told me "i think she is cheating on me" i told him what happened, he looked at me in conmotion and said "YOU TOO!?!?, they told me she was kissing before the party with George!!!"

we stared at each other and started laughing, i told her to forget it, he told her to forget it and we remained friends

now let me explain something about a relationship

IF you are with a girl, would you thrust her not to cheat on you??, i guess i would thrust her as much as i would thrust my self, its obvious, then, who did you made the commitment with?? your friend?? no, it wasnt with your friend, it was with the girl so if she breaks that commitment, who is at fault, the guy that has nothing to do with your relationship or the girl that cheated on you?? well, obviously the girl, and if she broke that commitment cheating on you with your friend, well, that only makes her more of a ***** than anything else, would you throw away a friendship, and by this i mean a REAL friendship, not a driking friendship or a partying friendship, a real friendship over such a crappy girl??

i would certainly not!, she was never worth it in the first place!, its true that it takes 2 to tango, but believe me, the one breaking your heart and the commitment and your illusions and dreams is the girl, not the guy!!!

if your friend makes a move on her and SHE DOESNT WANT TO CHEAT ON YOU she will tell you immediately, that way you can talk to your friend and tell him to back out, but if she doesnt, she was never worth it in the first place.

 

[bitzi61]

The code that was broken was in fact the part about him not telling you about it.
Not cool man... not cool..
Also, I wouldn't agree with being friends with him again, cause he was a DICK for totally screwing you, bailing on you, and only when things were bad for him did he try to be friends again..

 

[Aanorith]

Now, once you've relinquished (or had extinguished depending on the dump-er and dump-ee) fair game, getting riled up about who an 'Ex' is seeing is just petty.

I hear ya. Doing my best to make sure they understand I'm ok with it. It's not just me being alienated in the process, he's pushing away alot of people. I'm trying to tell my friends what happens between me and him sould not effect the rest of you. I hope I'm not coming off as petty, because that it certainly not my intention. Thanks for your thoughts.

 

[Aanorith]

Stupid idiots that can't move on.

[HEADING=1] I SPIT ON YOU! [/HEADING]

I value your input. Thank you kindly.

 

[clairedelune]

I think theres a courtesy period of a few months before friends can go after other friends' exes, but I dont believe in the whole "I dated them and now you can't touch them" thing.