Poll: how long should one wait before going out with a friend's ex?

[axlryder]

the 7th option should say "whenever they are comfortable"

So I'm in something of an awkward situation. One of my best friends (who I work with) broke up with his girlfriend about a month ago. Since that time, she and I started running in the mornings. Well, today she essentially came onto me, but I gracefully denied her. My friend is under the impression that they are going to get back together at some point, though he definitely wasn't all that broken up when they first broke it off. Either way, I can't and don't really want to hide it from him if anything happens. Her and I both agree that he's a good guy (and she's terrible at hiding things anyway). I also have an inkling of suspicion that she wants to make him jealous, but that's just the paranoid part of me talking.

Anyway, since this thread wasn't designed specifically for me to tell you about my sex life [http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KVvfau1fWrI], this led to a question that has been asked all over the internet. That said, I'm not sure if it has recently been asked on this particular forum. How long should one wait before going out with a friend's ex? I realizes that there are sometimes circumstances that don't really render the situation so simple (such as the position that I'm in right now), but for the poll's sake let's pretend we're speaking about a simple "they broke up and it's over" case. Advice for my own situation is welcome also.

 

[axlryder]

12 minutes, minimum.

I gracefully denied her.

For the love of God, why?

I work with the guy. Workplace drama is hell. I was also very grody as I hadn't showered since the day before. He's also my friend and I didn't want to do anything rash. It's not like I've closed that door forever, it was implied and I merely deflected.

 

[Crises^]

You should tie up your friend and make him watch. On a serious note i think it depends on how long the relationship went on for and how much he was into her.

 

[Colour Scientist]

How long were they together?
Unless it was a really short fling, where neither of them were too emotionally involved, you shouldn't go there. That is shitty friend behaviour.

If he tells you that he's okay with it and you think he means it, then maybe but even then I think it's a shitty thing to do.
Can't you find someone else?

From the OP I'm guessing you've already made the decision to go there but are just looking for someone to tell you it's okay to go there right away. It isn't.

 

[Fappy]

Talk to your friend first. If he's cool with it I don't see why not.

 

[axlryder]

Well, since people want more information

They were together about 2 or so years. It was a fairly serious relationship. That said, they'd been drifting apart for quite some time and he was the one who initiated the break up due to inability to see one another and not being on the same page with certain issues (exercise, smoking, time spent, etc.). He legitimately didn't seem to care very much at that point. That said, I can't be certain of this, as he was under the impression that she wanted to get back together down the line. He was also under the assumption that they might see other people, but I don't think he was thinking "I" happened to be included in "other people". That said, he's also the sort of guy who would probably rather it be me, as he knows I wouldn't treat her badly.

As for the state of their current relationship, they still talk and bicker, but neither of them think they're "a couple" anymore. It's likely true that I should talk to him about it beforehand, as it would be the only way to fully clear things up. He's smart enough to suss out the intentions behind subtle questions, so it might be an awkward conversation (god, the extreme measures I go to for this girl). As for me personally, I'm fairly loose with my relationships before the 1 year mark, so if someone wants to break it off I don't get too broken up. I'm not a jealous person.

Also, I actually happen to like her and we've been friends for about 6 years, so it's not like she's just "some girl".

 

[Colour Scientist]

They were together about 2 or so years. It was a fairly serious relationship. That said, they'd been drifting apart for quite some time and he was the one who initiated the break up.

They were together two years, have been broken up a month and you want to make a move as soon as possible? If I broke up with my boyfriend now and thought for a second that one of my friends would go there in a month, we would have some serious problems.

 

[axlryder]

They were together about 2 or so years. It was a fairly serious relationship. That said, they'd been drifting apart for quite some time and he was the one who initiated the break up.

They were together two years, have been broken up a month and you want to make a move as soon as possible? If I broke up with my boyfriend now and thought for a second that one of my friends would go there in a month, we would have some serious problems.

I'm not saying it's a bad thing that you feel the way you do, but not everyone looks at it the same way or is particularly sensitive about others dating their exes. I've been on the other side of this situation before (with similar circumstances) and honestly didn't care. Anyway, your input is still very much appreciated and I'll take it into consideration. Based on the poll you're clearly not the only one who feels similarly.

Just out of curiosity, why would it bother you so much? I'm actually interested to hear.

 

[Lucem712]

IDK, I'd definitely ask my friend to make sure he wouldn't kill me. Also, a thing to consider is this hanging status of might get back together. People in relationships like that frequently date other people, only to return to the previous mate after a while.

So, if they've been on and off for 2 years (while 'taking a break' and seeing other momentarily) I would just stay away from a girl like that because she has no idea what she wants.

(Also, my brother and I have discussed this a-lot and have concluded that people who right out of a serious relationship goes and pursue a new one aren't capable of being single. So, make sure she's not just using you to not be single, since girls are very notorious for that.)

 

[Phasmal]

Is it completely outside the realm of possibility that they might get back together?
It's only been a month.

But, imo, you don't diddle your friend's exes.
I suppose if all parties are cool with it, but even then it can be awkward and probably not worth it in the end.

 

[Colour Scientist]

I'm not saying it's a bad thing that you feel the way you do, but not everyone looks at it the same way or is particularly sensitive about others dating their exes. I've been on the other side of this situation before (with similar circumstances) and honestly didn't care. Anyway, your input is still very much appreciated and I'll take it into consideration.

Just out of curiosity, why would it bother you so much? I'm actually interested to hear.

It's not just my exes, my friends feel the same way and wouldn't expect me to poach theirs. It's about loyalty to your friends and respecting what they had with that person, rather than trying to take it for yourself.

By saying you didn't care, I assume you didn't care too much about the SO involved anyway and/or weren't that close to the friend.

If a person you consider a very close friend, someone you confide in and trust, pursues a relationship with someone you shared two years of your life with almost immediately after the relationship ends, I see that as disrespectful of either your friendship with that person or of what you shared as a couple.

I'm also guessing you're either a teenager, you don't actually give a shit about the guy (you just don't want to deal with him potentially being angry at you) or you haven't had too many girlfriends. I can't see why else you'd be so intent on chasing after a friend's ex. Maybe all three.

 

[axlryder]

I'm not saying it's a bad thing that you feel the way you do, but not everyone looks at it the same way or is particularly sensitive about others dating their exes. I've been on the other side of this situation before (with similar circumstances) and honestly didn't care. Anyway, your input is still very much appreciated and I'll take it into consideration.

Just out of curiosity, why would it bother you so much? I'm actually interested to hear.

It's not just my exes, my friends feel the same way and wouldn't expect me to poach theirs. It's about loyalty to your friends and respecting what they had with that person, rather than trying to take it for yourself.

By saying you didn't care, I assume you didn't care too much about the SO involved anyway and/or weren't that close to the friend.

If a person you consider a very close friend, someone you confide in and trust, pursues a relationship with someone you shared two years of your life with almost immediately after the relationship ends, I see that as disrespectful of either your friendship with that person or of what you shared as a couple.

I'm also guessing you're either a teenager, you don't actually give a shit about the guy (you just don't want to deal with him potentially being angry at you) or you haven't had too many girlfriends. I can't see why else you'd be so intent on chasing after a friend's ex. Maybe all three.

Hey now, no need to go making false and uninformed assumptions based upon your own biased views. Bias is obviously fine, but not when you're taking digs at someone. I don't get hung up on something or cling onto someone that is no longer with me. Why would I do that? That's limiting to my ex for one thing. If I cared at all about them then I want them to be happy. If they're happy to be with my friend then who am I to stop them? To say "hey, you can't be with that person because I know them" sounds silly. Secondly, I don't consider it good for me to get worked up about it. Life brings what life brings, I just go with that. If you've had a particularly shitty and exhausting life like I have then such a perspective is not exactly surprising. Yes, I'll attempt to manipulate the factors directly within my grasp, but certainly not dictate the lives and choices of other people unless said choices are blatantly detrimental. Thirdly, what physical difference would it make? Yes, if I couldn't stand the sight of them together it might be a problem, but like I said, that's not how I live my life. I don't emotionally cling to things that once were but are no longer like a child. I certainly don't get angry at other people for living their lives.

Also, the concept of "disrespect" is a very arbitrary one. It hardly pins down a good reason "why" one shouldn't pursue their friends ex other than "you find it disrespectful". If it hurts his feelings then that's a good enough reason to hold off. Just being "disrespectful" isn't.

To say "I don't care" about my friend is still operating under the assumption that he thinks like you. We've already established that he may well not, so I don't really think your views about me personally are based on anything very concrete :/ I just think you're taking jabs for no other reason than because someone doesn't look at life the same way you do.

What's more, your phrasing is poor. Remember, she approached me, not the other way around. You also clearly ignored the part where I said I've been friends with her for six years and actually like her. I think you're also forgetting that relationship opportunities don't exactly fall from trees.

 

[Vivi22]

Talk to your friend first. If he's cool with it I don't see why not.

Even if the friend says they're fine with it, there's still the possibility that they're just saying that to seem like they're over her.

The real question here is how much do you value this friendship? If it's not that important to you then have at it. But if you'd like to still be friends with this guy if things with the girl go south then don't even go there.

 

[Colour Scientist]

Snip

Well, you asked why I saw it the way I did and I told you. I made those guesses because anytime I've encountered that kind of situation the person has always been one of those things. For me, it's more about the friend's actions than the ex's.

Do what you want but you asked, no need to take it all so personally, I don't know (or care about) anyone involved in the situation so I'm not "taking jabs" at you because you think differently. If you want to date/fuck/marry her when she's on the rebound then go ahead, I just think it's a shitty thing for a friend to do and I'm glad you aren't one of mine. Also there's no need to say things like this to try to make me feel sorry for you.

If you've had a particularly shitty and exhausting life like I have then such a perspective is not exactly surprising.

 

[Moth_Monk]

I just think it's a shitty thing for a friend to do and I'm glad you aren't one of mine.

Pay attention to the thread, the OP has not made it clear whether or not he wants to go after the subject in question.

Edit: My input for the OP is: Do what you want

 

[axlryder]

Snip

Well, you asked why I saw it the way I did and I told you. I made those guesses because anytime I've encountered that kind of situation the person has always been one of those things. For me, it's more about the friend's actions than the ex's.

Do what you want but you asked, no need to take it all so personally, I don't know (or care about) anyone involved in the situation so I'm not "taking jabs" at you because you think differently. If you want to date/fuck/marry her when she's on the rebound then go ahead, I just think it's a shitty thing for a friend to do and I'm glad you aren't one of mine. Also there's no need to say things like this to try to make me feel sorry for you.

If you've had a particularly shitty and exhausting life like I have then such a perspective is not exactly surprising.

Again, making assumptions about me. I don't want you to feel "sorry" for me, I don't value the pity of a person who makes derogatory assumptions based on nothing but bias. I'm telling you like it is. I've had an exhausting and shitty life. That has shaped my perspective. What you take from that is your problem, don't project it onto me.

What's more, I asked "why it would bother you so much", I didn't ask you for to make overreaching conjecture about me. So kudos for telling me I asked for something I didn't. All in all, I've found that you've made a terribly unconvincing arguments wrapped in poor conjecture based on bias. Not exactly the best advice giver. I'm not even saying that because you disagree with me, I'm saying it because that's exactly what you did.