Poll: how long should one wait before going out with a friend's ex?

[Wolfram23]

Given that she came onto him, and he denided her I'd say the OP is probably a pretty stand-up guy.

OP: tough call. Personally, I think love is more important than friendship (although both are very important). Basically, I'd talk to the guy-friend, but realize that that friendship might end if you start to see the girl. Also, consider that she is "on the rebound" and might be making rash decisions. One minute you're as close as can be, the next she's going to a movie with some other guy and hopes you can still be friends...

Actually, you might want to talk to her about it first. Tell her you like her and whatnot, but also that it's tough because you don't want to be hurting your guy friend. If she wants to pursue it anyway, then talk to the guy friend about it?

Eh, I don't know. Just do what your penis heart tells you to.

 

[Colour Scientist]

Snip

Actually, do you know what? I was a bit mean. I stand by a lot of what I said but some of it was going too far.

 

[axlryder]

Snip

Actually, do you know what? I was a bit mean. I stand by a lot of what I said but some of it was going too far.

Fine, but as compensation, I request that you tell me what your avi is from. I've been meaning to ask you for so long. It's just entrancing.

 

[StriderShinryu]

As others have said, I think there's two things to really consider as opposed to some determined time frame. You should talk to the guy about it and, even if he tells you to go for it, think about how much you value your friendship because, even if he truy is okay with it, there's going to be a strain on things in the future. Say all 3 of you are out at a bar with a new friend who doesn't know the story. Things will get ackward pretty quick. Or if you're ever put in the position where you have to choose between the two of them in going to some sort of event. It's just not going to be easy either way.

 

[Colour Scientist]

Fine, but as compensation, I request that you tell me what your avi is from. I've wanted to ask you for so long. It's just entrancing.

It's from an episode of Doctor Who Confidential. They were taking a break from filming and two girls who were playing Weeping Angels started to do the Macarena.

Spoiler: Actual Weeping Angel

 

[Shock and Awe]

Like any other relationship question: IT DEPENDS. Who broke up with who? Did she dump him? Did he dump her? Was it mutual? Does he think they'll get back together? Ect, ect.

In your case I'd talk with your friend about it, honesty is actually the best thing here.

I am actually in this situation currently as a matter of fact. One of my best friends broke up with a girl who I actually was interested in before they went out. It was a short relationship and he dumped her with no ideas about getting back together. Now even then I made sure to talk with him about it. He had no issue and lets just say its going....well.

 

[DazZ.]

Completely up to the friend, none of us can give you a decent answer at all.

I've seen this situation work where everyone is happy with other people and get along at parties with no hard feelings whatsoever, I've also seen it go completely balls up because of lack of tact.

Asking and following strangers advice is something I'd file under lack of tact.

As for my opinion on how your friend feels (not that you asked but I'm typing now) I think it would be different if they had a really nice breakup or if they had one that was violent and long lasting.
So many factors come into it that I just think you need to ask him.

 

[Padwolf]

It depends on your friend and how he really feels about it. Even if he says yes, think about it. Talk to him first and be sure to tell him everything really. Also consider the option that she might be looking for someone on the "rebound". That you denied her makes me want to give you a hug for being a good friend.

 

[Dragonclaw]

Yep, if you feel like pursuing this (and why would you have made a thread if you didn't) then you need to talk to the friend first. If you get the green light then it's all good, if not then you'll have to decide for yourself if the friendship is more important than the girl, and even if you DO get the green light the freindship could easily go south if he's not really feeling done with her.

I've been there...my wife used to be the best freind of an ex-girlfreind...who said it was fine and that she and I were done (she broke it off with me) and YEARS later my wife and I got together. My ex stopped talking to my (now) wife soon after, and they had some pretty heated words last time they tried to talk.

 

[Esotera]

My general rule is a week if it's not serious, a month if it is. And I'm not exactly scrupulous, so it's probably best to aim for a bit more than that.

Anyway, you should just tell him in confidence that she's come onto you, or don't if you want to get the girl. Or just do nothing and try and leave it as long as possible before having to choose one of these options, which is probably what I'd do.

 

[Total LOLige]

Never. You know the code: "Bros Before Hoes". It's what separates us from the animals.

 

[Elvis Starburst]

Don't do it. No exceptions. My older brother broke up with his girlfriend, then his best friend went out with her about a month or two later. Friendship was over so easily. It really isn't a good idea to date your best friends ex's. Chances are your best friend would be overall upset, because you're dating the girl he loved and such. Really, it isn't a good thing to mess around with.

 

[esperandote]

a month for every year and a week for every spare month, that or when he's ok with it.

 

[Right Hook]

You don't do this to your friends, if you are willing to ask and he says it is fine then you can but asking is a pretty taxing thing to do, you'd definitely owe him either way. If you are too afraid to ask because you know his answer will be negative, well your answer is even easier, you don't do it.

I also have an inkling of suspicion that she wants to make him jealous, but that's just the paranoid part of me talking.

ALWAYS listen to that paranoid part of you, it is usually right, people just choose to ignore it as foolish because they want to weasel their way into something that clearly shouldn't be done.

 

[CrazyJew]

Off limits, unless the bro states multiple times he is okay with it.

 

[Galletea]

Doesn't matter. If he's adult about it, he'll get over it.

More importantly, rebound relationships rarely end well, so give it a while to make sure it's actually what you both want.

 

[suitepee7]

off limits if it was serious relationship IMO, otherwise depends how long until he's over it.

 

[Shadows Risen]

Give it a while and see if she actually wants to be with you, rather than just use you to get back at your mate. Then make sure it's ok with your mate. If it's fine, then go for it I say.

 

[Jonluw]

According to social rules, never apparently.

I don't get it though.
If I had a girlfriend and broke up with her, I don't see why my friend then going out with her should be seen as a sign of disrespect.
I just don't get it.
If someone can explain; please do.

If anything, in my mind, it should be a sign that your friend who was clearly into your girlfriend while you were a thing respected you enough to not get it on with her while she was already with you.
I mean:
If my friend turns out to be into my girlfriend, that means he has forcefully fought his urges and desires all this time, just because he didn't want to ruin the relationship that I had.
That's a great act of friendship right there.

The one situation is which I can understand this attitude is if the relationship ended on really bad terms.
So bad terms that you never want to see your ex again in your entire life.
Then it'd be sort of annoying if she was hanging around your friend all the time.

 

[AnarchistFish]

If I broke up with my boyfriend now and thought for a second that one of my friends would go there in a month, we would have some serious problems.

If you broke off with him? I don't get that...

I'm also guessing you're either a teenager, you don't actually give a shit about the guy (you just don't want to deal with him potentially being angry at you) or you haven't had too many girlfriends. I can't see why else you'd be so intent on chasing after a friend's ex. Maybe all three.
...
I just think it's a shitty thing for a friend to do and I'm glad you aren't one of mine.

Wow, cold.
Especially considering she came onto him and he is questioning the situation.


OT: Depends on the specifics and when it feels like things are at a good time, so it's not something you can generalise.
Saying that, I broke up with my girlfriend and she was with someone else the next day. I felt a bit annoyed but it's not really my business what she does afterwards, and I don't see why it should be.