Poll: I have an idea..

[Stoic raptor]

Great. You should have gone in to a little more detail though. And dont do this alone, have some people help you.

 

[Nimbus]

If you do continue it, put a space after commas.

Sorry, had to be said.

Seriously though, it might be hard for the readers to empathise with your characters.

 

[PureChaos]

needs expanding and its hard to form an opinion with so little to go by but go for it. could be good

 

[Fniff]

Looks like an entertaining read. Post a larger extract on another site (your blog/journal), and let us here now. That'd give us a better impression of what you're hinting at.

Only problem. I don't have one. I never really bothered with stuff. As Yahtzee says,a Blog sounds like a creature at the bottom of a lake that communicates in farts.

Try and put it on some other kind of site then. You've got me hooked now =P

I could make a blog...Though I would never EVER call it a blog.

How exactly do you make a blog? Is it on some site,or something? I never really checked.

Put "Blogspot" or "Blogger" (the names can only be discouraging you =P) into Google. They're pretty good, and I use them myself. Let me know if you manage to set it up!

Made it! http://fniffblogfanablouswonderment.blogspot.com/2009/10/good-evening.html

Sounds good. Be sure to include the return of the dead child.

Uhh...

How would that work?

Simple. He returns with half of his face blown off, saying, "Give me... give me my cigarettes..."

Na,people would be expecting that.

 

[DemonicVixen]

hmmm... sorry but for me i can not see any potential. If you had took things slowly instead of telling us straight out what had happened. Maybe i could have liked it. You know, had a character detective looking into the murder of the teen and various other crazy things. He could then try piecing the clues together about the strange goings on. Maybe he himself has to fight to survive not being hit by the signal...


Do not get me wrong. You have a good imagination. Just needs some work lol.

 

[TheSeventhLoneWolf]

I'm having difficulty in having empathy towards any character, but by all means carry on, i might grow to enjoy it.

Agreed,

i'd say add more depth and description as an opinion, i like to write but i'm no expert, so i can't tell you what to do or what not to do. It's just an extract but i think i may grow to like it also.

 

[Fniff]

If you do continue it, put a space after commas.

Sorry, had to be said.

Seriously though, it might be hard for the readers to empathise with your characters.

I'm having difficulty in having empathy towards any character, but by all means carry on, i might grow to enjoy it.

This. No offence but I cant connect with a character who shoots kids for, from what I read, No reason.

What you could also do is put different parts of the stories from different character viewpoints like the Demonata series from Darren Shan, where theres 3 main characters but in different books you read through the viewpoint of one of the characters. Makes it much funner and interesting in my opinion.

However, It sounds very good, could be a interesting read. Try give Miss Alby a first name too.

Miss Allby isn't the good one. She's most diffidently not the good one. So,don't worry. She isn't the good girl,though she is in the middle..

 

[Chipperz]

B-Movie lover strikes again! [http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0780607/] But yeah, apart from that, your style seems to clinical - names like "Miss Allby", repeated terms like "youth" and naming guns all detaches the reader from what's happening.

As a quick example, "youth" makes me think of those things from the Daily Mail which are apparentlt terrorizing me. It's also too vague, it could be a small child, right up to someone in their late teens - the dialogue suggests someone in their late teens. Also, have him identify himself, it's a lot more personal if you know their name. When Joe panicked and put his hands up to show he was unarmed, he didn't expect to be met with a facefull of pellets.

 

[Fniff]

B-Movie lover strikes again! [http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0780607/]

That was in the city,this is in the suburbs.

Plus,it also makes fun of 1950's sitcoms,and showing what would have happened if that kind of signal happened in one of them.

 

[Lord George]

I don't think making all your characters mad is going to make for very good reading, it will be hard for any reader to connect or empathise with a load of nutjobs and it doesn't seem you can develop and grow the character of batshit insane people. One minute they may be learning a big truth about the world and a valuable lesson in humanity, the next they might be picking their ears and telling whatever they find about the moon people.

 

[Rascarin]

I'll be brutally honest, I'm not impressed yet.

Your writing style is rushed and vague, and already littered with typos. You've given no description to anything, and things like "the youth's head exploded", naming the gun and having her check the pockets makes it sound like you got the scene straight out of a video game. Having "sigh" in her actual speech is wrong, too, unless you actually wanted her to say "sigh"... but who does that?

Slow down; remember you writing a book, not a film or a game. All you have are your words to get your point across, so if you get them wrong, you're story will suffer. Put in some description, and mix up your sentances a bit. Less "He did this. She did this. He said that."

Your idea might have potential, but your writing style is killing it.

Sorry if I sound cruel, but it has to be said.

 

[Voodoomancer]

I'd buy that book.

Btw: You can also post written work on dA (it's not a blaaaaag)

 

[Blindrooster]

"and some types of monkeys" wow........ You want humanity to go down the hole? try reading the Out of the Ashes series by William W Johnstone. Altho they are kinda more fallout-ish.

 

[Fniff]

"and some types of monkeys" wow........ You want humanity to go down the hole? try reading the Out of the Ashes series by William W Johnstone. Altho they are kinda more fallout-ish.

Actually,it just makes sense that way.

I mean,some types of monkeys are more related to humans then others.

 

[ottenni]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tLnUcuy6078

I'm sorry mate but you have been ninjad.

 

[Akai Shizuku]

Humanity is already batshit insane. But you should continue.

 

[SomethingUnrelated]

Looks like an entertaining read. Post a larger extract on another site (your blog/journal), and let us here now. That'd give us a better impression of what you're hinting at.

Only problem. I don't have one. I never really bothered with stuff. As Yahtzee says,a Blog sounds like a creature at the bottom of a lake that communicates in farts.

Try and put it on some other kind of site then. You've got me hooked now =P

I could make a blog...Though I would never EVER call it a blog.

How exactly do you make a blog? Is it on some site,or something? I never really checked.

Put "Blogspot" or "Blogger" (the names can only be discouraging you =P) into Google. They're pretty good, and I use them myself. Let me know if you manage to set it up!

Made it! http://fniffblogfanablouswonderment.blogspot.com/2009/10/good-evening.html

Woop! Thanks!

 

[Disaster Button]

Oh God. Dude. Yes. You MUST continue to write that. To clarify my point further:

[HEADING=2] Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeesssssssss![/HEADING]

 

[Dudemeister]

I am writing a story about Humanity going completely batshit insane with no exceptions. Should I continue it? Here is an extract from the first page.


"Don't move you goddamn inbreed!" Miss Allby pointed the shotgun at the youth.

"I'm just looking for some food! Please! Don't kill me!" He put his hands up in defense.

Miss Allby pulled the trigger and the youth's head exploded. She cocked the SPAS 12 and walked over to the youth.

"Let's see now...Cigarettes,sigh,kids these days,smoking!" She noted as she checked the pockets of the dead child.

A week ago something happened. Something bad. Some sort of signal messed with people's heads,causing them to go insane. No one really was immune,just affected on different levels. Miss Allby was somewhere in the mid regions. The signal was picked up by all humans and some types of monkey.

The Suburbs and The Cites were hit hardest. No cars were heard driving around,no explosions,just sometimes a gunshot or a caw of a crow.

And all that in a week,imagine that.

Have you ever read 'Cell' by Stephen King ? Because your idea is very simmilar. If you haven't, you should read it to make sure your story doesn't infringe any intellectual property laws.
If you can be sure your story will be distinguishable, you should go for it, you have a nice writing style.

 

[quiet_samurai]

Don't specify on the gun. I feel that whenever I read a story someone's made where they specify the gun's name to break my concentration. I really don't know why, but it makes me think more of a video game then a book.

It might just be me though.

Agreed, it's also unecessary since many people don't know what type of firearm it is. It's also a very uncommon firearm, I don't think a random lady would get access to one.

OT: Sounds very interesting though.