Poll: Relationship Advice

[Thyunda]

Honestly? Leave. That's all there is to it. You should not be expected to tolerate that kind of inconsistency - hell, it's not even minor inconsistency. It's not a case of sometimes she wants sex all the time, and sometimes she doesn't want it at all. THAT would be minor. This is essentially saying you're only a real couple when she's on an affectionate phase.

And that isn't fair on you.

 

[Emperor Nat]

Other: Please Elaborate

I would sit her down and simply say that, regardless of whether or not the behaviour is normal for her, she is hurting your feelings by acting like this. From this point, one of three things can happen.

A) She can accept that and do her best to change or get through it.
B) You can accept that this is the way she'll be and stick with her.
C) A massive argument.

In case A, you will HAVE to be as patient as you can. In case B, you will NEED to be as patient as you can. In case C, you will HAVE/NEED to have more such conversations and figure out between you whether or not you will work out.

 

[Silvianoshei]

She needs therapy. If she doesn't want to go, leave.

I can understand why you don't give a toss about physicality at this point though. It's because you wanted emotional satisfaction first and foremost, a physical relationship was a great bonus. But physicality means nothing without love behind it.

 

[Rin Little]

Ok, it's not so much that she goes through these phases, it's more the fact that she doesn't see anything wrong with them. I mean, you're becoming emotionally starved while it seems like she doesn't care whatsoever. It kind of sounds like she's leeching attention and affection off of you and doesn't see the problem in not reciprocating it. I honestly wouldn't put up with it if I were you.

 

[UltraXan]

You and I are actually very alike, which gives me an excellent understanding of the situation... Now then, my own gf actually has something similar, but not exactly. She sometimes becomes hostile when something happens, regardless of whether I had anything to do with it or not. One time, she looked at a screenshot of a conversation she had with a guy who was the most PERVERTED asshole you could imagine (she took the screenshot to show me just how much of an asshole that guy was). She randomly decided to look at the screenshot, and she just became angry at it and guys in general. Unfortunately, being a guy, I was on the blunt end of it. Now she didn't just lose affection for me, she became *hostile* towards me, despite the fact that I didn't do jack shit. In the end, we resolved it and everything is lovely again. Point is, this is just a phase she's going through. If you truly love her, then stick through it, keep your distance if you have to. This kind of thing is like a storm. Get inside, and stay there until it blows over. Then you can come back out and the sun will be shining again. Now that all that's said and done, I have to think of something to tell my own gf... I've been playing too much Skyrim and she's probably feeling neglected... DAMN YOU BETHESDA! YOU DID TOO GOOD A JOB!

 

[Harkonn3n]

She needs therapy. If she doesn't want to go, leave.

I can understand why you don't give a toss about physicality at this point though. It's because you wanted emotional satisfaction first and foremost, a physical relationship was a great bonus. But physicality means nothing without love behind it.

THIS.
Right here.
This is why the physical doesn't mean a whole lot to me in comparison to the emotional aspect.

I do adore the small meaningful gestures like a kiss on the cheek, a random hug, cuddle or the holding of hands.

But emotional trumps physical for me.

 

[nunqual]

You shouldn't stay in a relationship just because the ups are good. I made that mistake, and it was a pretty horrible relationship. I agree with one of the other posters: she needs therapy. You can't be her therapist and her emotional guide. It's her stuff. You can talk to her, certainly, but she has her own problems to deal with. In the end, the question you need to ask is this: do you want to date someone who only loves you sometimes?

 

[The Unworthy Gentleman]

11 months

She has completely withdrawn all forms of affection

physical (which I couldn't give a toss about)

This is what some call a 'shit-test'. She is testing you to see if you can cope without this affection - in other words, if you can stand on your own (perhaps as a man should be able to?). Possibly, due to the 11 months thing, she is testing you to see if you are marriage material. I would have to know more about the relationship to know for sure.

This is not a shit-test, a shit-test is where there are clear answers and all of them are wrong.

OT: Buy Skyrim and ride it out, it's not as if you've got anything better going on relationship-wise. You could finish things with her but you'll be left with regret and want to get back with her, by which point it'll be too late. If you stay with her then you waste a month or two waiting for things to pick up. The November games should get you through the emotionally-barren months.

EDIT: I suggest telling her to sort herself out too, in nicer words than those though. She needs to develop emotionally to stop this happening or she'll be left alone or in an unfulfilled relationship. She can't keep being this emotionally handicapped.

 

[IzisviAziria]

This is what some call a 'shit-test'. She is testing you to see if you can cope without this affection - in other words, if you can stand on your own (perhaps as a man should be able to?). Possibly, due to the 11 months thing, she is testing you to see if you are marriage material. I would have to know more about the relationship to know for sure.

Furthermore, I think it's a little odd that you couldn't give a toss about not getting physical affection but I suppose it takes all sorts. Could this be a key to the puzzle, perhaps?

BTW shit-testing is completely normal and not indicative of defects of any sort on the part of the woman. Well, apart from being female and all. Ah I'm just kidding! But seriously, nothing to worry about. But you DO need to decide seriously whether she is worth the effort.

My response to this is:


Seriously, this shit-test you're talking about is nothing short of MANIPULATION. You do NOT purposely withdraw, purposely put your significant other through serious distress just to test them and see if they can handle it. If, 11 months in, you don't know your partner well enough to know if they can stand on their own or not, then you haven't been a very good partner.

I will say this, I completely agree with you that a man has to be able to stand on his own (a woman as well!). Nobody, and I mean nobody, should invest themselves so fully into a person that they cannot live without them, or cannot find happiness/fulfillment without them. You are absolutely right about that. But flat out manipulating them to find out is complete and utter bullshit.

OP, I say this to you. Sit her down and get the REAL story out of her. She's being cryptic, and I can give you a 90% assurance that she knows what's wrong, she just doesn't feel comfortable enough about it to share it with you. Likely because she feels guilty about it. The guilt may or may not be warranted, it may be something you can work through with no problem, or it might not. But something is up and she knows it. If you can't get it out of her, then it's time to consider moving on. Because if you can't be honest about important things like that 11 months in, the relationship isn't working.

 

[maddawg IAJI]

Moved from Off-topic.

 

[DoomyMcDoom]

Mate, I was a classic gentleman for a long time, I ALWAYS ran across women who would love me to bits, then, nothing... then the relationship bombs out. You CANNOT get by as a nice guy/gentleman, simply because if you are TOO attentive, or TOO understanding, a woman will subconsciously start to see you as a woman, and if she's not a lesbian, this is a bad thing for you my friend.

My advice is the advice that I took, that started me on the road to being more comfortably endowed when it came to women, be a man, be direct, if shit is wrong get her to tell you what it is, and give her an ultimatum, cuz guess what! It is generally disrespectful, and unfair to YOU to treat you like this with NO EXPLANATION, it's straight up abuse, emotional bullshit...

If she won't tell you the real reason, leave her, learn to be happy just being you, then next time a relationship is in the works, don't be the sensitive gentleman, be the MAN the guy that will call her and let her know what's going on and where, the guy that will go and hang out with his buddies, who lets her into his life not destroys his life so that she might consider him worthy of being a part of hers.

Women respect men who are in control of their own lives, women respect men who stand up for themselves and don't just roll over and take it when bullshit is knocking on the door, women generally do not respect pussy bitches who don't take command and don't stand up for themselves... cuz guess what, most women don't want to go out with a doormat, they want a MAN, be confident in yourself and never ever think to yourself that you need a woman.

After all, would you respect a woman who was devoid of personality and reduced herself to a sex object because she was so desperate for SOMEONE/ANYONE that she just so happens to just cling to you and do what she thinks will make you happy, and stops being a person so that she can have that little bit of security in a relationship and not be single? I know I wouldn't!

From the sounds of it, she's using her current explanation as an excuse to treat you wrong, because very likely she doesn't want to hurt your feelings as much as she thinks telling you the truth will, and unconsciously doing far far more damage to you by being deceitful, and playing mind games.

Not that I think I know everything about the situation, but from what you say, it looks like a situation I've seen first hand and with a lot of my friends, so many times it's not funny.

If you want to explain it to me in more depth, drop me a message or something and I can look at it better, maybe help you with the specifics, after all, relationships can be a slippery slope in your life, I've helped more than a few people find traction where they need it, and I'd be happy to help you.

 

[Yopaz]

My advice is... Not to seek relationship advice from a site of video gamers.

While there are sure to be many good minds with thoughtful words of wisdom, remember this is also a site full of video gamers. We have trolls, rage gamers, console wars people, young screaming kids on xbox live, people from every religious and political point of view that love to argue, extreme fan boys, whiny emos, self depressive life haters, ones that can't look at anything objectively and are sure to push their own personal experience into any decision, and sure to be plenty of those without any real life experience in the matters of life and love but will still throw out their opinion on something just because they feel they have to make their point.

Talk to your friends, the people that know you and her best, and can better understand the situation, not ask a site of strangers for advice on a personal and emotional problem were we are not going to have the full picture or understanding of the people involved and situation.

So yeah. My advice is not to seek relationship advice from a site of video gamers. Which means don't listen to me or my post here too. ^.^

Good advice indeed.

However I'll move on to give some advice. If she's still attracted to you, but doesn't feel affection she's going through the same phase my friend and her boyfriend was going through. They ended up breaking it up because she felt like she was giving nothing while he was giving everything. Things were a bit complicated with them (I wont go into details) though so it might be different in your case. What you should do is listen to the guy I quoted, talk it through and maybe consider taking a break from the relationship and see if her mind will change. If she's plainly not interested then it wont matter if you break up with her now or she breaks it off later. Give her some time to sort out your feelings rather than staying in a relationship where you're the only active party.

 

[Kahunaburger]

Don't ask the internet. We haven't met this girl in question. OTOH, asking people you know who have would be a great idea.

You CANNOT get by as a nice guy/gentleman, simply because if you are TOO attentive, or TOO understanding, a woman will subconsciously start to see you as a woman, and if she's not a lesbian, this is a bad thing for you my friend.

 

[DoomyMcDoom]

Don't ask the internet. We haven't met this girl in question. OTOH, asking people you know who have would be a great idea.

You CANNOT get by as a nice guy/gentleman, simply because if you are TOO attentive, or TOO understanding, a woman will subconsciously start to see you as a woman, and if she's not a lesbian, this is a bad thing for you my friend.

Just putting it in perspective, if a woman subconsciously sees you as a woman, you get nowhere with her unless you are one and she's a lesbian...

Whats with the expression?

 

[Kahunaburger]

Don't ask the internet. We haven't met this girl in question. OTOH, asking people you know who have would be a great idea.

You CANNOT get by as a nice guy/gentleman, simply because if you are TOO attentive, or TOO understanding, a woman will subconsciously start to see you as a woman, and if she's not a lesbian, this is a bad thing for you my friend.

Just putting it in perspective, if a woman subconsciously sees you as a woman, you get nowhere with her unless you are one and she's a lesbian...

Whats with the expression?

That statement is a pretty good example of why asking the internet for relationship advice is generally a bad call...

 

[Kahunaburger]

snip

Let me put it this way - there are no shortage of people on the internet who claim to have become successful in their romantic/sex lives by not being a "nice guy" (definitions for this mythical "nice guy" creature vary from place to place) but you don't see that sort of approach work IRL very often.

 

[DoomyMcDoom]

snip

Let me put it this way - there are no shortage of people on the internet who claim to have become successful in their romantic/sex lives by not being a "nice guy" (definitions for this mythical "nice guy" creature vary from place to place) but you don't see that sort of approach work IRL very often.

There!
Figured I'd get a more informational response!
ok, now there is a difference between being nice, and being "nice" being "nice" is generally using a facade to mask your own insecurity, being nice is not bad at all and is refreshing.

I know what a lot of people claim, and I know whatever I tell you will likely not hold any weight if you don't want it to. After all, this is the internet, a lot of people will say things to puff themselves up and make themselves look great or whatever.

Thing is, we all experience things differently, however respect in itself is a universal thing, if you treat someone as an equal and respect that they are different in essencial ways that make us all human male/female/individual, there is one thing that is very universal, when someone puts you on a pedastal because you are different in a single way, say female for example, that is disrespectful, as it denotes that they only care about that single aspect, that is the insecure "nice" guy way, if you treat a woman like a person, aim little digs at them, tease them, compliment them when it's due not all the damn time, and generally don't worship them, or whatever, you generally get a much much better response than if you take them to fancy restaurants all the time and buy them shit a lot...(they tend to see buying them a lot of stuff as trying to buy affection, and tends to turn them off, even if they don't realise it's happening, that or they'll hang on and fake it till yer broke and move on, really depends on the woman, the kind that leech you dry are terrible greedy people anyway best avoided)

Just saying, I personally used to be so bad off it wasn't funny, for years and years it got to the point where I was actually wondering what was wrong with me, I must be hideous or totally untouchable or something... Well I decided to look, really seriously into relationships, watch people I knew who were successful and y'know... had a girlfriend that did things for them, rather than just taking advantage of the guy all the time, or guys that had a decent dating life, and got laid consistently... I then started to test some of the traits I observed, and gradually started seeing real positive results, wasn't some overnight change, but to go from a string of shit "luck" with relationships to dating a fair multitude of girls having them want me at times far more than I wanted them, in the space of a few months...

Thing is, I'm not saying I changed who I was, just How I presented myself, there's a lot of little things that women instinctively pick up on, especially in our body language, that can cause major shifts in how they relate to us.
there's a multitude of these little things that kill attraction(immediately or gradually depending on the situation and other variables as such), and there are just as many little things that can cause attraction...

Again, not saying all women relate to you the same, far from it, but there are certain things that are very common if not universal, hell us men have the same shit going on behind our minds, the subconscious nature of humans is a fascinating thing.

Also, I really don't think you're a "self righteous ****", in fact you seem a pretty decent person, just used that to get your attention to how disrespectful your response seemed to me, taking a stab at me without even giving a reason or opinion or anything, bad form and all that.

Relationships have no cure-all, but I've been through a lot of trial and error, and I've found a way of presenting myself that's both honest to who I am and attractive to the opposite sex... And I figure it might be nice to help others find their own groove, y'know, hints tips, helping them see the results clearer, all us men can use a wingman, or buddy to help them see the science of it, what works what doesn't, encouragement, constructive criticism, that kinda thing.

 

[The Unworthy Gentleman]

A shit test is merely a thing a woman does in order to see how a man will react. It's nothing more or less than that, attempting to dress it up psychologically is pointless.

And frankly, suggesting that he bury himself in a game is hardly positive advice.

I'll give you the shit-test bit, but I fail to see how filling one lacking area with something you enjoy while the situation improves isn't positive advice. Yeah, deal with the issue and try and solve it, but in the time that he would have otherwise spent doing affectionate couples stuff he may as well do something he enjoys, Skyrim was merely one option.