Poll: Should I keep trying?

[fenrizz]

So, here goes.
Me and the love of my life have 2 children together (aged 1,5 and 3), we've been together for about 5 and a half year now, and living together for 5.

Now 3months ago she met another man, and 2,5months ago she moved out.
She is doing him quite often, and likes telling me how great he is.
I've also found out that she has taken at least 2 men home from her work for the single purpose of having sex with them. They are all older men (10-20 years older).

2 weeks ago she came to me and asked if we could try again, if I would move in with her again.
Being the fool that I am, I said yes without blinking.
a week after that though, she found out that she was pregnant with the guy she left me for, and asked that we have a break until she could have an abortion.
Again I said yes. She told me everything was sat on hold for the time being.

Then I found out that after sha asked for the break, she has taken at least one more man home to have sex with and she still keeps in touch with the guy she left me for, in a rather sexual way.
Oh, and I also found out she has been cheating on me on at least 2 separate occasions over the last year of our relationship.

The thing is, I really do love her. And I am willing to forgive her, because I can't imagine what I'd do without her.
She is the love of my life!
I may not be able to trust her ever again, and she has broken my heart several times already.

Am I a fool for hoping that she will change?
Am I a fool for still loving her as much as I do?

 

[crypt-creature]

A fool? No. You just have hope, which is more than what most people have these days.

But, I would tell you to move on. She is not doing you any good by acting in this way, and seems to be showing no responsibility towards her own kids.

What is the point in being with her, if you could never trust her? Forgive her, but try to move on.

 

[RavingPenguin]

Am I a fool for hoping that she will change?
Am I a fool for still loving her as much as I do?

1) No, without hope we have nothing to look forward to, though now you should begin to hope for someone new.
2) No, love may not conquer all but it does give meaning to our feeble existance. Although you should find someone who will return your love

That being said, I would leave her. She obviously has no desire for you anymore, its gonna hurt, but its for the best. Someone else will replace her, and as crazy as it may seem, you'll get over it.

Then again Im no guru.

 

[fenrizz]

A fool? No. You just have hope, which is more than what most people have these days.

But, I would tell you to move on. She is not doing you any good by acting in this way, and seems to be showing no responsibility towards her own kids.

What is the point in being with her, if you could never trust her? Forgive her, but try to move on.

God knows I try...
I am good at being strong when she's not around, but when I see her...
It's like I'm unable to tell her no...
But you're right though, I really need to move on.

 

[shadowstriker86]

in my honest opinion, speaking from personal experience and common sense, if she's cheated on you more than once (for me once is it) drop her like a hot rock and look after the kids, teach them a valuable lesson in life: To do better than you did. To find someone who's honest, failthful and loving. Believe me when i tell you that if you continue to try to stay with this..."woman"....and thats being polite, you're going to end up miserable. fighting a losing battle until you realize that it's all been for nothing.

 

[SharPhoe]

Am I a fool for hoping that she will change?
Am I a fool for still loving her as much as I do?

1) No, without hope we have nothing to look forward to, though now you should begin to hope for someone new.
2) No, love may not conquer all but it does give meaning to our feeble existance. Although you should find someone who will return your love

That being said, I would leave her. She obviously has no desire for you anymore, its gonna hurt, but its for the best. Someone else will replace her, and as crazy as it may seem, you'll get over it.

Then again Im no guru.

I have to agree wit hthis, 100%. Love is a many spendored thing, and it sheds light on many a dark time on our ives. however, it should not be taken for granted, and that, to me, is what it seems like this woman is doing to you. It'll be really tough for you, I'm sure, but you've just got to move on.

 

[Syphonz]

You're not a fool for loving someone for who they are, I have the same problem. But I know I can never have another relationship with her because I can't trust her. I suggest you start thinking the same.

 

[WrongSprite]

Just make sure you gain custody of the children...It would seem to me that you would be a far better role model to them.

 

[Vrex360]

That is actually a tough one, but I don't know if you can really trust someone who runs off. However if she hurt you so deeply yet you still love her that's got to mean something. I would say give it time, meet other people and just see. It might not be love at all but rather a thing called 'comfortable dependancy' it typically means you found a relationship and now you set yourself on it determined to keep that relationship out of a fear that you might never have another one no matter how awful the relationship turns out.

If it was me and my partner had merely cheated on me an apologised, horrified that she hurt me so much then yes I'd forgive her. But honestly this just sounds really cruel... if you love her I'd say give it a shot but broham seriously it's going to be hard to forgive someone who keeps doing things like this to you.
My advice is stay on hold, meet some other women then mybe decide for yourself. However if things go well for you and her then kudos brother. But seriously if it where me I would end the relationship and get custody... as some other people said it would be even more unfair on your kids to have such an unstable and untrusting marriage as opposed to a simple divorce. Get custody of your kids and find yourself someone new, someone who can be a faithful and loving wife and a better mother figure.

EDIT: it also strikes me that as much as you care for her she doesn't really seem to care about you in fact it strikes me that she might be almost 'using' your emotional connection to her as a means to manipulate you.

My honest advice is find someone new, it can happen and you seem like a great person so odds are it WILL happen.

 

[twistedshadows]

It sounds like she's got some serious issues she needs to work out.

In my opinion, you probably need to leave her for good. She's most likely is going to continue cheating on you no matter what you do, and it's actually rather unfair to your kids to try and keep the relationship up since they will have to keep wondering why their parents splitting up and getting back together (and possibly fighting in front of them?). Also, it sounds like you should try to get custody.

But you're right though, I really need to move on.

And it sounds like you already know it, as hard as it may be to admit it to yourself.

 

[Shapsters]

Come on man! Its all here on paper! She will never be loyal to you! You say at the beginning she is the love of your life, but she has cheated on you dozens of times?!

 

[fenrizz]

It sounds like she's got some serious issues she needs to work out.

In my opinion, you probably need to leave her for good. She's most likely is going to continue cheating on you no matter what you do, and it's actually rather unfair to your kids to try and keep the relationship up since they will have to keep wondering why their parents keep getting back to together and splitting up (and possibly fighting in front of them?). Also, it sounds like you should have custody.

I go to great lengths to never fight in front of the kids, they don't need that right now!
We have split custody, one week each. Although I have them a lot more than her, as she keeps asking me to babysit for her.
It may sound really selfish, but I don't want full custody, because then I'd be stuck in this house for years, never being able to meet anyone...

 

[Tech Team FTW!]

Simple.
If you can't trust her, you can't love her.

 

[crypt-creature]

God knows I try...
I am good at being strong when she's not around, but when I see her...
It's like I'm unable to tell her no...
But you're right though, I really need to move on.

You're not the only one with that problem. It hurts, but saying no might be what is best for you, the kids, and her. She needs to take responsibility for her actions, and it seems she sees you as a heaven of safety. That is good and bad, but with her actions it far outshines the good and is really unhealthy for both of you.

Everyone says it, but time really does help. Having the support of others never hurts either.

I go to great lengths to never fight in front of the kids, they don't need that right now!
We have split custody, one week each. Although I have them a lot more than her, as she keeps asking me to babysit for her.
It may sound really selfish, but I don't want full custody, because then I'd be stuck in this house for years, never being able to meet anyone...

It's not that selfish.
My biological mother (I'm adopted) has raised four other kids, ranging from 11 to 19, and she has been remarried three times now (two of those three husbands had abused her).
I think you'll be able to meet someone, full custody or split. It might be trickier, but not impossible.

 

[MontyGommo]

I said No.

But i think it's too easy for someone not involved to give a very easy answer, when matters of the heart are far from simple.

As many people have said.. trust is now the issue.

 

[internutt]

Dude, this really is quite a tough question you want advice for, however I'll give you my opinion.

Honestly if she really has cheated on you this many times and wants you back then you need to man up against her. If she really wants to be the mother of your kids, she needs to stop seeing these other men and break off contact with them. Honestly it just doesn't sound like she is committed. I'd say move on.

From the way you wrote your post I gather that you are not married to her, so at least you can be happy that you will not have to go through the pain of a divorce. The children should come first. See if you can gain custody of them and throw her out.

DO NOT let her use you like she appears to be. If shes still cheating on you why would she want to live with you? Why spend another five years with her if you know she is still seeing these men and you don't trust her. Trust should be a massive part to any relationship, right now this woman doesn't deserve your trust. I'm with you on the forgiveness issue. I am a very forgiving person, however you really shouldn't let someone treat you like dirt, regardless of your past with them.

EDIT: I've had a really bad nights sleep, hopefully this reads alright.

 

[leeloodallasmultipass]

shes shitting all over you and then telling you how good it is. I dont think there are any words in the world that could describe how wrong/bad/nasty/horrible/twisted/ that is, hence the lack of words.

ive had a similar problem with a girl in the past (minus the Kids issue). and i just told her how her actions made me feel then just walked away. She came back begging for forgiveness, but i remembered how she had shat all over me before. so i just ignored her over and over, untill she gave up.

 

[prettynothings]

I can't really help you with this, I'm either too biased or unexperienced, but I'm not sure how wise it is to ask on a forum. ;-;

 

[The Infamous Scamola]

You have two kids together and she's doing this to you? What a *****!

Move on, you can forgive her all you like, but after all of that shit happened, you can't just go and pretend like it's all OK. Move on, find a woman that really loves you and is willing to love your children.

Edit: Needless to say, having kids this early probably wasn't the best idea.

 

[twistedshadows]

It sounds like she's got some serious issues she needs to work out.

In my opinion, you probably need to leave her for good. She's most likely is going to continue cheating on you no matter what you do, and it's actually rather unfair to your kids to try and keep the relationship up since they will have to keep wondering why their parents keep getting back to together and splitting up (and possibly fighting in front of them?). Also, it sounds like you should have custody.

I go to great lengths to never fight in front of the kids, they don't need that right now!
We have split custody, one week each. Although I have them a lot more than her, as she keeps asking me to babysit for her.
It may sound really selfish, but I don't want full custody, because then I'd be stuck in this house for years, never being able to meet anyone...

Well, it's probably good for them to have their mother in their life to a degree, and it's good for you to retain some freedom.
And you still get to positively influence their lives, especially if you're with them more often.
My mother had to raise me as a single parent; it made it difficult for her to have a life outside of raising me (which I've always felt bad about, even though I had nothing to do with it at the time), so I definitely sympathize with your situation.

Edit: Christ, you're my age and you have two kids to look after?!