Poll: Some help with dealing with an ex

nklshaz

New member
Nov 27, 2010
244
0
0
(I'm a freshman in high school. I only say this to give some context the part of my social situation) Hey Escapists, I'm hoping for some advice (Sorry for the incoming text wall, but I do think the backstory and context are important)

My girlfriend recently left me for another guy. What really sucks, is that she was the first girlfriend I've ever had. It's not like I was single for so long because I got rejected a lot, it's just that my confidence was so low that I'd never even asked a girl out before. Over the course of time that we'd been dating, she had told me that she loves me. She even told me that she'd loved me more than she'd loved anyone else before. I loved her to, and of course I returned her sentiments. So obviously, after she had said these things to me, the way she broke up with me hurt.

Here's how she went about it: She basically stopped emailing and texting me for about a week, and kept our conversations to a minimum. I see now that she was gradually trying to distance herself from me, so the break up wouldn't be so shocking, and that the pain wouldn't be so bad. Unfortunately, this is not the effect it had. It made me feel like shit. It even made me feel guilty, because I thought the reason she wasn't talking to me was because I'd done something wrong. Even when I asked if I'd done anything, she wouldn't reply.

This went on for about 11 days before she decided to actually break up with me. Keeping in mind the way she'd said she felt about me, most people would probably expect it to be in person, or to at least an emotional email. Instead, she has one of her friends to deliver a short and rather formal note written on an index card. It also didn't help that she decided to do this right before Thanksgiving break, so I had this hanging over my head for the 5 day weekend. I was honestly a little surprised, because even though it was my first relationship, I thought I was a good boyfriend. I always made myself available for her to talk to when she had a problem, and I was always sympathetic and tried to help. I was always nice to her, I always trusted her, and I never let one of her "I love you"s go unreturned. I talked her though some pretty serious things, so I thought that would at least give us some sort of emotional connection.

So she left me for another guy, but she still wants to remain friends. The decision I need help with is this: I don't really know if I should remain her friend. It's not like I actively hate her, and I'm not holding a grudge against her. I know it wouldn't be fair to keep her in a relationship with me if there's someone else she wants to be with, and I wouldn't want to do that to her. Despite that knowledge, I still don't feel comfortable talking to her, or being around her. She really hurt me, and I just don't know if I'll ever feel comfortable talking to her.

What do you think Escapists, am I being unreasonable, or should I still try to be her friend? ( I know this probably seemed like a self-pity fest, and I'm sorry for wasting your time, but I really need help, and it also feels good to get this off my chest) Thank you in advance for any advice you may give :)

Edit: It occurred to me shortly after posting this thread that I may have portrayed this girl as a heartless monster. She really isn't, she's actually a very nice person. I'm sure there are good reasons that she likes this other guy. I just felt that she's just being a tad insensitive to expect me to suddenly get over this, and stop hurting (Note: I am in no way looking for advice to get back together with her. Just thought I'd clear that up)
 

Rin Little

New member
Jul 24, 2011
432
0
0
Honestly she is kind of being insensitive. If it hurts too much to be her friend right off the bat she should be able to understand that. And trust me, it doesn't seem like it now, but it's very possible that you'll be able to be her friend later. You'll find someone new, I promise.
 

nklshaz

New member
Nov 27, 2010
244
0
0
Rin Little said:
Honestly she is kind of being insensitive. If it hurts too much to be her friend right off the bat she should be able to understand that. And trust me, it doesn't seem like it now, but it's very possible that you'll be able to be her friend later. You'll find someone new, I promise.
That sounds like good advice, thank you :) But in her defense, I haven't confronted her about this yet. (Though I'm sure she's knows the break-up hurt me to some degree) I've sort of just been playing along; participating in conversation when she tries to start one, not actively avoiding her, but also not actively seeking out her company, etc. I'm just afraid that if I confront her, I'll seem like one of those ex's who's obsessive, even though I have no desire to get back together with her. And thanks again for your kind words, I really appreciate it :)
 

Rin Little

New member
Jul 24, 2011
432
0
0
nklshaz said:
Rin Little said:
Honestly she is kind of being insensitive. If it hurts too much to be her friend right off the bat she should be able to understand that. And trust me, it doesn't seem like it now, but it's very possible that you'll be able to be her friend later. You'll find someone new, I promise.
That sounds like good advice, thank you :) But in her defense, I haven't confronted her about this yet. (Though I'm sure she's knows the break-up hurt me to some degree) I've sort of just been playing along; participating in conversation when she tries to start one, not actively avoiding her, but also not actively seeking out her company, etc. I'm just afraid that if I confront her, I'll seem like one of those ex's who's obsessive, even though I have no desire to get back together with her. And thanks again for your kind words, I really appreciate it :)
No prob. You shouldn't really have to confront her about it. Just tell her straight up "This is too hard for me to do right after you broke up with me. I'm sorry, but I can't be friends with you right now." If she doesn't understand that then it's her problem and not yours. I just went through something similar literally last night and that's all I could tell the guy, "I cannot be your friend, it's not possible for me to do right now."
 

drisky

New member
Mar 16, 2009
1,605
0
0
You aren't comfortable talking to her, so don't talk to her. Certainly don't make a big scene or do anything overly dramatic to get away from her. Just stay neutral and get away. Try to cut any polite conversation short, its more then she offered you pre-break up anyway, giving you straight up silent treatment. She wanted to break up with you without hurting you, you can avoid her without hurting her just fine.

Also a side note, having your first girlfriend by 9th grade is not really of track, you seem to think your behind on experience but you really aren't, its a fine place to start. Don't worry about your confidence being lower then your peers because it probably isn't. Also don't apologize for the pity fest, its what the Advice Forum is here for, so no one will speak down at you for asking for help.
 

nklshaz

New member
Nov 27, 2010
244
0
0
drisky said:
You aren't comfortable talking to her, so don't talk to her. Certainly don't make a big scene or do anything overly dramatic to get away from her. Just stay neutral and get away. Try to cut any polite conversation short, its more then she offered you pre-break up anyway, giving you straight up silent treatment. She wanted to break up with you without hurting you, you can avoid her without hurting her just fine.

Also a side note, having your first girlfriend by 9th grade is not really of track, you seem to think your behind on experience but you really aren't, its a fine place to start. Don't worry about your confidence being lower then your peers because it probably isn't. Also don't apologize for the pity fest, its what the Advice Forum is here for, so no one will speak down at you for asking for help.
Thanks for the advice :) You've been very helpful, and I appreciate it.
 

Doctor Glocktor

New member
Aug 1, 2009
802
0
0
Do not. She wants to play both sides of the field; to have both you and the guy she left you for. Avoid her.

Being friends with exes is overrated.
 

robert01

New member
Jul 22, 2011
351
0
0
Didn't even read your post lol, not gonna lie one bit. I have a rule that any exes of mine are people I don not associate with. Sometimes I have to force myself to converse with them for whatever reason, but usually it is a very empty conversation.

Being friends with a person you were serious with is a waste of time.
 

nklshaz

New member
Nov 27, 2010
244
0
0
robert01 said:
Didn't even read your post lol, not gonna lie one bit. I have a rule that any exes of mine are people I don not associate with. Sometimes I have to force myself to converse with them for whatever reason, but usually it is a very empty conversation.

Being friends with a person you were serious with is a waste of time.
lol, I can't blame you for not wanting to read that text wall ;)
Your policy on ex's sounds like it resonates with part of how I feel about the situation, but it's still kind of tricky for me. She has a rough life at home, and she doesn't open up to many people. The few friends that she does trust are the only people that she can talk about her problems with. If I stopped being her friend, I'd be taking away one of her emotional outlets, so to speak. And seeing as I've talked her down from suicide a couple of times, I'm rather worried about what losing one of the friends she trusts would do to her. I know she wouldn't commit suicide over me, but I think it would REALLY bum her out.
 

robert01

New member
Jul 22, 2011
351
0
0
nklshaz said:
robert01 said:
Didn't even read your post lol, not gonna lie one bit. I have a rule that any exes of mine are people I don not associate with. Sometimes I have to force myself to converse with them for whatever reason, but usually it is a very empty conversation.

Being friends with a person you were serious with is a waste of time.
lol, I can't blame you for not wanting to read that text wall ;)
Your policy on ex's sounds like it resonates with part of how I feel about the situation, but it's still kind of tricky for me. She has a rough life at home, and she doesn't open up to many people. The few friends that she does trust are the only people that she can talk about her problems with. If I stopped being her friend, I'd be taking away one of her emotional outlets, so to speak. And seeing as I've talked her down from suicide a couple of times, I'm rather worried about what losing one of the friends she trusts would do to her. I know she wouldn't commit suicide over me, but I think it would REALLY bum her out.
Well now that I actually read your post my initial comment stands. Dude SHE left YOU for another guy. I don't blame your for not wanting to have contact with her, if I was in your position, I wouldn't either.

In all honesty why try to maintain contact with her because 'she has a rough home life, and doesn't open up to people'. I don't know if you are being naive, or just a little blind with the situation. She obviously has the ability to open up to someone else considering the fact that she left you. She made her bed, let her lie in it. Don't hurt yourself for the sake of someone that doesn't want you ever. Trust me I have been in some shitty relationships that involved many nights of talking her down from doing whatever suicide flavour she had that week. She is still alive.

Put yourself first over anyone else. At the end of the day you have to live in your skin and sleep in your bed. You should always be your number one.
 

nklshaz

New member
Nov 27, 2010
244
0
0
robert01 said:
nklshaz said:
robert01 said:
Didn't even read your post lol, not gonna lie one bit. I have a rule that any exes of mine are people I don not associate with. Sometimes I have to force myself to converse with them for whatever reason, but usually it is a very empty conversation.

Being friends with a person you were serious with is a waste of time.
lol, I can't blame you for not wanting to read that text wall ;)
Your policy on ex's sounds like it resonates with part of how I feel about the situation, but it's still kind of tricky for me. She has a rough life at home, and she doesn't open up to many people. The few friends that she does trust are the only people that she can talk about her problems with. If I stopped being her friend, I'd be taking away one of her emotional outlets, so to speak. And seeing as I've talked her down from suicide a couple of times, I'm rather worried about what losing one of the friends she trusts would do to her. I know she wouldn't commit suicide over me, but I think it would REALLY bum her out.
Well now that I actually read your post my initial comment stands. Dude SHE left YOU for another guy. I don't blame your for not wanting to have contact with her, if I was in your position, I wouldn't either.

In all honesty why try to maintain contact with her because 'she has a rough home life, and doesn't open up to people'. I don't know if you are being naive, or just a little blind with the situation. She obviously has the ability to open up to someone else considering the fact that she left you. She made her bed, let her lie in it. Don't hurt yourself for the sake of someone that doesn't want you ever. Trust me I have been in some shitty relationships that involved many nights of talking her down from doing whatever suicide flavour she had that week. She is still alive.

Put yourself first over anyone else. At the end of the day you have to live in your skin and sleep in your bed. You should always be your number one.
You've been very straightforward with me, and I appreciate that. Thank you :) I've received a lot of good advice here, yet I still don't have a definite answer for myself as to whether or not to be her friend. I guess if I wake up someday, and I suddenly feel comfortable with it, I'll have a yes. Until that day comes, I guess it's a no. Oh well, first relationships rarely last anyway, I can either get over it or die. And as great as she was, the option of "getting over it" wins by a very wide margin ;)
 

Olrod

New member
Feb 11, 2010
861
0
0
Ask her if she *wants* you to remain her friend, and explain to her why you're having doubts about it.
 

Jedoro

New member
Jun 28, 2009
5,393
0
0
Go. Get out. She's her new boyfriend's problem, now's the time to do what it takes to make sure you're okay. Down the line, reevaluate how you feel about her and if you're comfortable talking to her, but if you're not right now then don't talk to her.
 

Right Hook

New member
May 29, 2011
947
0
0
Don't be friends with her, just don't. The fact that you are still saying she is a nice girl and are okay with all this kinda makes me think you still have some feelings for her. You should just move on, I don't want to sound like a know-it-all but you are just a Freshman, you have plenty of time for drama in your high school career and trying to be friends with her now is all that is going to create. Simply tell her that you don't want to be friendly anymore, that you enjoyed the relationship but now that it is over, you have nothing left to offer. Find a new girl to obsess over, speaking from experience it seemed like every guy in high school always had to have a girl to obsess about. You don't owe her anything but this is just my advice and you should honestly do whatever you want to do, I'm just trying to save you some angst because I know I wish somebody could have done it for me back then.
 

Zantos

New member
Jan 5, 2011
3,653
0
0
From my experience, distance is the only way forward. It may feel shit to begin with, but you'll get better. If you see her and talk to her a lot though, it will take much longer to get over. no need to avoid her or be mean, just keep a little distance.
 

Insanum

The Basement Caretaker.
May 26, 2009
4,452
0
0
Get Rid. She is not your friend, she's your Ex.

Any girl that says 'im sorry lets be friends' are the ones that feel guilty, or are trying to soften the blow.
 

kromify

New member
Feb 9, 2011
38
0
0
trying to be friends with her won't let you move on as quickly. you have to worry about you now - she has her friends and new bf to support her. be friendly for sure, but don't be friends.

I know why you are still feeling divided, and I know it's not fun. But everyone here is right: stay away for your own good. She chose to let you in, now she has chosen to push you away. Honour that.