Poll: Struggles againts discrimination!

[wolfy098]

Thanks to avykins for finding the word Alexia

Struggles

Dyslexia, Anorexia, Dyspraxia Alexia
All these problems
They don't give in
We on the other hand don't even begin

They struggle with weaknesses
Managing to thrive.
If I had any one of these,
I would barely survive.

Their life can't be easy
Yet we look down
Even when we lose
With an upper hand

Who cares if your black or white,
Who cares if your fat or thin,
These are just excuses
To treat someone differently

They are really better than you
So you hide that fact
Stab them in the back
Running from the truth!!!

Just accept it now
Just be true
Watch their back
They may watch yours to

Live and let live
Let them be
They've learnt things
You'll never see

Keep on fighting
For what you believe
But don't insult others
Unless needs be.

THANK YOU FOR READING

edit: if some poor BORED person wants to put music to it fine

 

[new_age_reject]

I think you juggle the rhyme too much.
Sometimes it's 2 & 4 that rhyme, sometimes 3 & 4 or sometimes none at all.
I think a little consistency is needed there.
Otherwise 'Good' will suffice.
At least I think you wanted crit.

 

[TwistedEllipses]

Pace yourself - you're like some kind of poem machine gun!

This seems to work a bit better than the last, follows the same strand as the last but is less of a raw idea and has more of a flow. It needs to still be a little more consistent in style, but I like the rhythm of the verse:
Live and let live
Let them be
They've learnt things
You'll never see

 

[wolfy098]

Pace yourself - you're like some kind of poem machine gun!

I've been stuck surrounded by idiots
stupidity is contagious
THEN I DISCOVERED






ESCAPIST and my brain is active again

edit: soon I'll have my own anthology

 

[Cpt_Oblivious]

Aww.
That was really good, keep it up.

 

[sky14kemea]

i like it X3

specially the verse:

"They struggle with weaknesses
Managing to thrive.
If I had any one of these,
I would barely survive."

 

[chronobreak]

I don't know what I'm looking at here. Are we supoosed to "user review" your poem? If that's the case, I don't really like poetry at all, so I can't, but that's not even why I came to this thread. The title is: "Struggles againts discrimination!", yet I open it to see no discussion, just a poem? I dunno, man. Keep writing though, if it makes you happy.

 

[wolfy098]

I don't know what I'm looking at here. Are we supoosed to "user review" your poem? If that's the case, I don't really like poetry at all, so I can't, but that's not even why I came to this thread. The title is: "Struggles againts discrimination!", yet I open it to see no discussion, just a poem? I dunno, man. Keep writing though, if it makes you happy.

don't have to post if u aren't interested

 

[chronobreak]

don't have to post if u aren't interested

Well, what I'm basically saying is this isn't much of a discussion, the thread title is misleading, but the poem is fine. I didn't intend to find this particular content in a thread with said particular title, thought it made no sense, and decided to point it out. You didn't even request we review it, no question is posed, leaving no discussion to be had.

 

[WrongSprite]

don't have to post if u aren't interested

Well, what I'm basically saying is this isn't much of a discussion, the thread title is misleading, but the poem is fine. I didn't intend to find this particular content in a thread with said particular title, thought it made no sense, and decided to point it out. You didn't even request we review it, no question is posed, leaving no discussion to be had.

Christ, you don't have to pick his thread apart. Theres a clear discussion point, the poem. You could have just moved on.

Anyway, I'm liking the lyrics, I hear much worse than that on the radio everyday XD

 

[wolfy098]

Well, what I'm basically saying is this isn't much of a discussion, the thread title is misleading.

Everything I am is misleading ^_^

 

[chronobreak]

Christ, you don't have to pick his thread apart. Theres a clear discussion point, the poem. You could have just moved on.

I could have, but I didn't. Don't flip too many bricks over it, bud. It's not wrong to request a thread title have something to do with the content. Are you saying I can just copy and paste text from a site, put it in a thread, ask no question or give no direction, and the thread won't be locked? Because you know it will be. Example:

Thread title: Struggles against food discrimination!
Body: These delicious dinners were featured in our recent money-saving TV ads. Make them at home today. Pasta, Pizza, and more!

Now, I ask no question, it's just text. I don't ask it to be discussed, just read. That's all I'm saying, cat. I didn't insult him, and I wasn't even rude about it.

Once again, I reiterate: Keep on writing, glad it makes you happy. Maybe just name your thread "A poem from Wolfy!" or something. Or ask us to critique it.

 

[Doth]

Apart for some grammatical errors and grave inconsistency, I found it way too cheesy for my taste.

Otherwise it's not that bad.
3/5

 

[Torque669]

Very nice. Good to see you finished it off

 

[wolfy098]

Apart for some grammatical errors and grave inconsistency, I found it way too cheesy for my taste.

Otherwise it's not that bad.
3/5

*grin* they will get SO more cheesy trust me

 

[Skeleon]

Too preachy and huggy for my taste.
But I like the fact that you adress these issues very much.
The rhythm seems a bit bumpy at times.
As for the rhymes: Modern poetry doesn't need rhymes.
But I'd prefer it if you decided on one thing and stayed with it.
Try to rhyme always or ignore it completely, don't mix it.

 

[curlycrouton]

Well...

It looks to me, and don't take this the wrong way, more like some kind of rap verse than a poem. That's not a bad thing, but it's not really what you want to be aiming for when you write a conventional poem.

You see, poetry focuses hugely on the intrincasies of the language used, and the way that literary devices are used to certain effects. While there is a core theme and emotion to be expressed in almost every poem, half of that is the clever use and manipulation of the language used.

Take this line from the famous war poem Dulce Et Decorum Est as a simple example:

"Dim, through the misty panes and thick green light
As under a green sea, I saw him drowning."

I'll focus particularly on the word "drowning". This word conjures up images of struggle, a painful death, and perfectly places an image in the readers mind of this victim of a gas attack stumbling through this foul green fog, as though he were drowning.

You've got the self-expression and emotion part absolutely nailed, all you've really got to do is work on the language side of things.

Keep Writing!

 

[wolfy098]

Too preachy and huggy for my taste.
But I like the fact that you address these issues very much.
The rhythm seems a bit bumpy at times.
As for the rhymes: Modern poetry doesn't need rhymes.
But I'd prefer it if you decided on one thing and stayed with it.
Try to rhyme always or ignore it completely, don't mix it.

I'll keep it in mind

 

[wolfy098]

Well...

It looks to me, and don't take this the wrong way, more like some kind of rap verse than a poem. That's not a bad thing, but it's not really what you want to be aiming for when you write a conventional poem.

You see, poetry focuses hugely on the intricacies of the language used, and the way that literary devices are used to certain effects. While there is a core theme and emotion to be expressed in almost every poem, half of that is the clever use and manipulation of the language used.

Take this line from the famous war poem Dulce Et Decorum Est as a simple example:

"Dim, through the misty panes and thick green light
As under a green sea, I saw him drowning."

I'll focus particularly on the word "drowning". This word conjures up images of struggle, a painful death, and perfectly places an image in the readers mind of this victim of a gas attack stumbling through this foul green fog, as though he were drowning.

You've got the self-expression and emotion part absolutely nailed, all you've really got to do is work on the language side of things.

Keep Writing!

Could be a rap verse, a poem OR a song

But I think I've just been advised by a major intellectual
so I'll back off slightly

 

[megalomania]

Sorry to have to say Ugly. It's a little Emo for my taste, I did teenage a while ago I have no intention of moving backwards through life.

The actual structure of the poem was fine though.

p.s I'm sure you've read Sylvia Plath; The Mirror would be right up your street.