Post a funny quote you've heard someone say in real life
- Thread starter Jacco
- Start date
"I've never had a Kidney Stone, I don't drink much milk. That's how you get them right? Too much Calcium?"
Seriously.
Seriously.
A friend of mine's dad used to know this guy that he used to work with in the 80s, and the guy had a slogan he sort of lived by, and he said it in something resembling a New York accent (for our foreign readers), and he would say the following:
"A Guy wit' Six pair of Jeans on an' his 'ead up his ass coul' see that, GAWD-DAM-MIT!"
I'm quoting this exactly the way I hear it.
"A Guy wit' Six pair of Jeans on an' his 'ead up his ass coul' see that, GAWD-DAM-MIT!"
I'm quoting this exactly the way I hear it.
"I'll be sure to get pictures of the kangaroos when I go to Arizona!"
-My sister
After going over instructions in an art class the teacher says, "WELP, back to the pile!," referencing the male nude pile in that one episode of South Park. I was the only one that got it.
"Fox Hound? What's that?," says my father about one of the sweet ass shirts I was wearing.
"A shirt," I reply.
"OOH sorry for asking such an obvious question," he says with sarcasm.
There is a hungover girl in the back of my car while I'm driving. The night before we had been drinking and we made sexy. Afterwords she wouldn't put her underwear on so I put them in my pocket.
She wakes up and after a few moments of collecting herself she says,"...ug, where's my headband?"
"Oh I got it," I say and I dig her undies out of my pocket and toss them back onto her.
She examins the cloth,"...what the f**k! DID WE?!"
I then go on feeling like a bad person for a couple days until we talk about it.
"If your legs were twice as long you would be half as tall as ."
"If I had 3 d**ks in my mouth I would be half as gay as you.."
Gosh, I know that there are so many more that I cannot think of :c
[sub]bookmarked
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-My sister
After going over instructions in an art class the teacher says, "WELP, back to the pile!," referencing the male nude pile in that one episode of South Park. I was the only one that got it.
"Fox Hound? What's that?," says my father about one of the sweet ass shirts I was wearing.
"A shirt," I reply.
"OOH sorry for asking such an obvious question," he says with sarcasm.
There is a hungover girl in the back of my car while I'm driving. The night before we had been drinking and we made sexy. Afterwords she wouldn't put her underwear on so I put them in my pocket.
She wakes up and after a few moments of collecting herself she says,"...ug, where's my headband?"
"Oh I got it," I say and I dig her undies out of my pocket and toss them back onto her.
She examins the cloth,"...what the f**k! DID WE?!"
I then go on feeling like a bad person for a couple days until we talk about it.
"If your legs were twice as long you would be half as tall as ."
"If I had 3 d**ks in my mouth I would be half as gay as you.."
Gosh, I know that there are so many more that I cannot think of :c
[sub]bookmarked
[/sub]
My mom's dog is, to put it lightly, not the most photogenic of canines. She was grooming the dog and commented on how there was staining on the dog's face as if her eyes had been watering a lot. My brother-in-law, without missing a beat, says:
"There's probably a mirror near the floor."
"There's probably a mirror near the floor."
This is 10 years ago or so, in a uni dormitory. Walls are quite literally made of paper (newspaper inside the hollow for insulation - they were built as `temporary' accomodation in 1973 - they're still there today 40 yrs later). Anyway, girl is in her room and is cleaning up. Bends over to pick up something off the floor, but she's a little too close to the wall. Promptly puts her arse into the wall, leaving a round depression punched into the wall. She promptly runs into the common room where many people are sitting watching tv.
Girl: Hey guys! Who wants to see my arse hole?!
You've never seen so many horny uni students move so quickly.
Girl: Hey guys! Who wants to see my arse hole?!
You've never seen so many horny uni students move so quickly.
at a customer's house and they started ranting about some stupid jew conspiracy and some pro nazi crap. work associate gave him the evil eye and said
"hang on there my grand father died at auschwits"
other dude looked at him all apologetic and scared and then he said
"yeah poor bastard fell out of a guard tower"
prolly the most racist chuckle i've ever had
"hang on there my grand father died at auschwits"
other dude looked at him all apologetic and scared and then he said
"yeah poor bastard fell out of a guard tower"
prolly the most racist chuckle i've ever had
Nope!GeneWard said:
In 40k, one of my friends has a Space Wolf Rune Priest model converted to look like Gandalf. You can give Rune Priests jetpacks. Ergo...
"Well you know what they say in America- if you don't like sex and travel, then fuck life!"
An old man said this to me absolutely out of nowhere while I was working at one of my local supermarkets. It was simultaneously baffling and hilarious.
An old man said this to me absolutely out of nowhere while I was working at one of my local supermarkets. It was simultaneously baffling and hilarious.
A while back, m'collegues and myself were in the midst of some wrangling as to some project. Things were actually getting nasty when the wise old dude says: "You guys are just rearranging deck chairs on the Titanic". The project was canned about two days later.
Also, my mom was recently heard complaining about my dad's weight issues and his "lack of enthusiasm" in the areas of romance to my wife. Normally this would be the point where I leave, but my dad happened to overhear as well and had this to say: "What did you expect after thirty years of 'Not tonight honey, I've got a headache, go make yourself a sandwich'".
Also, my mom was recently heard complaining about my dad's weight issues and his "lack of enthusiasm" in the areas of romance to my wife. Normally this would be the point where I leave, but my dad happened to overhear as well and had this to say: "What did you expect after thirty years of 'Not tonight honey, I've got a headache, go make yourself a sandwich'".
"When life gives you lemons, make them into a rocket launcher. Try to beat that, Jesus!"
"There's two kinds of hope you have for that to happen, envelope and bob hope"
"Going to play minecraft on the toilet, I have a lot of logs to place"
"There's two kinds of hope you have for that to happen, envelope and bob hope"
"Going to play minecraft on the toilet, I have a lot of logs to place"
"EAT YOUR FUCKING HASHBROWNS!!!"
My brother, when describing his adventures playing my borrowed copy of Sneak King [http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sneak_King].
My brother, when describing his adventures playing my borrowed copy of Sneak King [http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sneak_King].
At my friend?s sleepover, him, another friend, and I were talking about, if we were gay and had to pick any male in the world to bone, who would it be? I said Cillian Murphy, and then my friend said something like, ?Oh yeah, I know what I mean. He?s one of those simultaneously charming and creepy guys who you?d want to be get raped by.?
I just thought that was weirdly funny. Also, a personal quote of mine after eating a Butterfinger for the first time: ?This tastes like Jesus Christ himself ejaculated into my mouth.?
Then, soon afterwards, I suffered an allergic reaction because I was so eager to finally find a Butterfinger that I forgot to read the ingredients, after which I exclaimed, ?Well, they should?ve made it clear and called it Peanut-Butterfinger!?
I just thought that was weirdly funny. Also, a personal quote of mine after eating a Butterfinger for the first time: ?This tastes like Jesus Christ himself ejaculated into my mouth.?
Then, soon afterwards, I suffered an allergic reaction because I was so eager to finally find a Butterfinger that I forgot to read the ingredients, after which I exclaimed, ?Well, they should?ve made it clear and called it Peanut-Butterfinger!?
"Gotta make money, to make money."
-A close friend of mine
"Wait, we don't have a medic on our team. He's a spy!"
-TF2
-A close friend of mine
"Wait, we don't have a medic on our team. He's a spy!"
-TF2
i was spending the weekend at my aunts place. and my little cousin woke up and his lose tooth had fallen out and landed on his pillow. the first thing he said to us when he come running in to the kitchen. "THE TOOTHFARY HAS F***ING LOST IT!!"[footnote]no, i don't know where he learned that language. but i got the blame anyway[/footnote]