Post a funny quote you've heard someone say in real life
- Thread starter Jacco
- Start date
"I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my Grandfather, not screaming in fear like his passengers."
An exclamation of annoyance from someone on The IT Crowd:
I sure didn't see it coming.
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NSFW:
An exclamation of annoyance from someone on The IT Crowd:
I sure didn't see it coming.
=====
NSFW:
"Do not walk behind me, for I cannot lead.
Do not walk in front of me, for I may not follow.
Do not walk beside me, either. Just f**k off and leave me alone."
Do not walk in front of me, for I may not follow.
Do not walk beside me, either. Just f**k off and leave me alone."
"Back in my day, sonny, we didn't go backpacking around Europe...we bombed the shit out of it."
So you come into a thread that's about funny quotes that you've heard other people say and describe a quote you yourself made and that was complete unfunny...Kopikatsu said:
That's a pretty impressive level of "missing the point".
As for my entry into this thread, I'm going to have to go with what Kopikatsu said, but in an ironic way, obviously.
Within a few minutes of each other, "the disembodied hand is now giving you a massage." and then "you spanked your monkey and it ran away!"...me and my friends had some of the weirdest d&d campaigns. Then the other time this whole conversation during a round where i was a undead warrior and my friend was an elf pyromancer.
Me "god i can't hit anything again useless sword....screw it im going to eat them."
DM "i...fuck it roll...17...you succeed in latching on to and eating the enemy the nearby enemies step back in terror."
Elf "im going to set the guy hes eating on fire."
DM "with him in the crossfire? alright then roll...14 you(me) roll to see how it affects you...2...you keep eating your target as you and him both burst into flames. The enemy is no longer alive and has stopped screaming."
Me "well it seems my teeth are better then my sword...so im going to eat another guy."
DM "you know your still on fire right?"
Me "yes...im still going to eat that guy."
DM "you have rolled a 18 (facepalms highly upset at how fast this is getting out of hand) you begin eating this guy who then catches on fire because you where on fire...also the guy who was standing next to him (and he said this in the most serious voice/face i have ever seen) has begun to flip shit. The one you are eating is preoccupied and can not take his turn and the other is stil flipping shit."
And it just kept snowballing till the dm just went "fuck it the entire dungeon has now charged you all at once you(me) eat about half of them while constantly chucking swords into peoples feet, and you(the elf) set him, them, the walls, and everything the hell else on fire giggling like a little school girl the whole time. You have won this campaign ta-da-da-da you of you be dm now and ill do some stupid shit(trying his hardest not to laugh at this point)"
And that was a slow round XD
Me "god i can't hit anything again useless sword....screw it im going to eat them."
DM "i...fuck it roll...17...you succeed in latching on to and eating the enemy the nearby enemies step back in terror."
Elf "im going to set the guy hes eating on fire."
DM "with him in the crossfire? alright then roll...14 you(me) roll to see how it affects you...2...you keep eating your target as you and him both burst into flames. The enemy is no longer alive and has stopped screaming."
Me "well it seems my teeth are better then my sword...so im going to eat another guy."
DM "you know your still on fire right?"
Me "yes...im still going to eat that guy."
DM "you have rolled a 18 (facepalms highly upset at how fast this is getting out of hand) you begin eating this guy who then catches on fire because you where on fire...also the guy who was standing next to him (and he said this in the most serious voice/face i have ever seen) has begun to flip shit. The one you are eating is preoccupied and can not take his turn and the other is stil flipping shit."
And it just kept snowballing till the dm just went "fuck it the entire dungeon has now charged you all at once you(me) eat about half of them while constantly chucking swords into peoples feet, and you(the elf) set him, them, the walls, and everything the hell else on fire giggling like a little school girl the whole time. You have won this campaign ta-da-da-da you of you be dm now and ill do some stupid shit(trying his hardest not to laugh at this point)"
And that was a slow round XD
Random Teen-girl: "Uhm, which one is the fried rice? Is that the white kind?"
Waitress: "Well, if you want the white rice..."
Random Teen-girl: "No, it's just I don't want the brown kind"
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This exchange happened at a Chinese restaurant I go to a lot. The teen behind me was with two friends who I hope didn't hear me laughing on the insides.
Waitress: "Well, if you want the white rice..."
Random Teen-girl: "No, it's just I don't want the brown kind"
---
This exchange happened at a Chinese restaurant I go to a lot. The teen behind me was with two friends who I hope didn't hear me laughing on the insides.
I have a couple. In GAME talking to the clerk about Mass Effect, the subject turned to the ME ladies and he said, and I quote, "Shut up, Tali is my wife, I have 3 gigs of Tali Hentai on my laptop!"
Alternatively: Talking to my friend "The world would be better if we were like bees. Just one queen, with nine wombs being constantly fucked, one guy to each womb. And then a guy for each guy, all in one glorious line that kept growing." or, same buddy, "You think too much like an American, legal age is 16. Also porn of Dom is normal?!"
Alternatively: Talking to my friend "The world would be better if we were like bees. Just one queen, with nine wombs being constantly fucked, one guy to each womb. And then a guy for each guy, all in one glorious line that kept growing." or, same buddy, "You think too much like an American, legal age is 16. Also porn of Dom is normal?!"
I own a pink Nintendo DS.
I was playing Pokemon on it one day when a bunch of friends came down to visit. Two were female. One of them, whom shall remain nameless, stirred up a conversation that went thusly:
Her: Is that yours?
Me: Yeah. So?
Her: I think guys who like pink are gay.
Me: Really? Tell me, dear, how many kids do you have, again?
Her: Two.
Me: An how many guys have you slept with?
Her: Uhhh, *thinks for a couple of seconds* roughly a dozen.
Me: Well, you realize that you just called the fathers of your two kids AND every guy you slept with a homosexual, right?
Cuz guess what color they liked?
She stayed another 5 minutes before claiming to need to do some shopping. The rest of my friends and I laughed our collective asses off.
I was playing Pokemon on it one day when a bunch of friends came down to visit. Two were female. One of them, whom shall remain nameless, stirred up a conversation that went thusly:
Her: Is that yours?
Me: Yeah. So?
Her: I think guys who like pink are gay.
Me: Really? Tell me, dear, how many kids do you have, again?
Her: Two.
Me: An how many guys have you slept with?
Her: Uhhh, *thinks for a couple of seconds* roughly a dozen.
Me: Well, you realize that you just called the fathers of your two kids AND every guy you slept with a homosexual, right?
Cuz guess what color they liked?
She stayed another 5 minutes before claiming to need to do some shopping. The rest of my friends and I laughed our collective asses off.
A wise man I know once said "if you talk for long enough, all conversations end up at shit and wanking"!
Where I used to work, we kept a text document which we added to, every time someone said something worth remembering. One of mine was "a circus without animals isn't a circus, it's just loads of arseholes running around in circles while loads of other arseholes watch"
I kinda liked that one!
Where I used to work, we kept a text document which we added to, every time someone said something worth remembering. One of mine was "a circus without animals isn't a circus, it's just loads of arseholes running around in circles while loads of other arseholes watch"
I kinda liked that one!
I have a few gems. The first was between me and my family as we arrived at an amusement park last summer on vacation.
Dad: I bet they have rides here.
Brother: Well I bet they don't.
Me: How much you wanna bet?
Brother: ... My mouth.
I have a friend who doesn't always type coherently, but none of her typos quite compare to when she typed "i sure how felix doesn?t irikol adurant thinky same man knowing". Not even she knows what she was trying to say.
Finally, a quote from one of my high school teachers: "In some countries they don?t even have floors to stand on. They just fall, all day?"
Dad: I bet they have rides here.
Brother: Well I bet they don't.
Me: How much you wanna bet?
Brother: ... My mouth.
I have a friend who doesn't always type coherently, but none of her typos quite compare to when she typed "i sure how felix doesn?t irikol adurant thinky same man knowing". Not even she knows what she was trying to say.
Finally, a quote from one of my high school teachers: "In some countries they don?t even have floors to stand on. They just fall, all day?"
I said this when me and my friends were at a café and a galpal of mine was groped, with permission, by my ex:
"Oh, right, when a woman gropes a woman it's perfectly fine, but when I do it they're all like, 'How did you get into my bathroom!?'".
"Oh, right, when a woman gropes a woman it's perfectly fine, but when I do it they're all like, 'How did you get into my bathroom!?'".
All of these are from my good friend Master Grunt.
"I'm a problem solver. Though not for problems such as fixing your face, because I broke your face. The problem was your face was in my way. So I broke it. Problem solved."
(He was downed in ME3, so I ran to rescue him, but I was killed in the process)"Do you need me to help you with my problems?"
"My favorite food is doom-flavored headcakes. OH GOD, WHAT ARE HEADCAKES, I MEANT TO SAY DONUTS. DOOM-FLAVORED DONUTS ARE MY FAVORITE FOOD."
"Lead us well, soldier, and I will personally give you stickers of bravery!"
"I'm a problem solver. Though not for problems such as fixing your face, because I broke your face. The problem was your face was in my way. So I broke it. Problem solved."
(He was downed in ME3, so I ran to rescue him, but I was killed in the process)"Do you need me to help you with my problems?"
"My favorite food is doom-flavored headcakes. OH GOD, WHAT ARE HEADCAKES, I MEANT TO SAY DONUTS. DOOM-FLAVORED DONUTS ARE MY FAVORITE FOOD."
"Lead us well, soldier, and I will personally give you stickers of bravery!"
my friend said this about a month ago.
"It's all shits and giggles until someone giggles and shits"
"It's all shits and giggles until someone giggles and shits"
"I would totally become Wookiee Adolf Hitler and kill all blonde Wookiees." - Me, last night being very tired and upset at the idea of a blonde Wookiee (I get a little weird when I'm tired)
"Die standing, you four-eyed freak!" - Me, during a board game with a friend
"They are asshats! Their hat is an ass and their ass is a hat, they are asshats!" - Me, I don't quite remember what about
"What does programming in the early 80's have to do with George Lucas' imagination?!"
"Well, you see, it's a kind of butterfly effect, a butterfly flaps it's wings- oh no, I think I'm about to be pummeled."
"I. HATE. YOU. SO. MUCH." - Me and my Mom's boyfriend discussing the possibility of Star Wars droids developing souls, during which I became very frustrated and beat him with a pillow
"Die standing, you four-eyed freak!" - Me, during a board game with a friend
"They are asshats! Their hat is an ass and their ass is a hat, they are asshats!" - Me, I don't quite remember what about
"What does programming in the early 80's have to do with George Lucas' imagination?!"
"Well, you see, it's a kind of butterfly effect, a butterfly flaps it's wings- oh no, I think I'm about to be pummeled."
"I. HATE. YOU. SO. MUCH." - Me and my Mom's boyfriend discussing the possibility of Star Wars droids developing souls, during which I became very frustrated and beat him with a pillow
I just remembered a couple:
"What do we do now?!"
"...Deflect trees!" - Friends of mine playing Shadowrun
"I'm gonna make a piloting roll! Fuck, critical glitch! I'm burning edge... oh fuck, ANOTHER critical glitch?!"
"Uhh... the T-Rex grabs the plane by the wing and pulls causing it to crash. You and the T-Rex both die."
"What the fuck?!" - Me and my Mom's boyfriend, playing Shadowrun
"Shoot the water!" - Friend playing Shadowrun
"How many tarps have we used now?" - Friend playing Shadowrun
"What happened to the last tarp?"
"Used it on the Wyvern corpse, remember?" - Friends playing Shadowrun
"What do you want as payment?"
"A tarp." - Friends playing Shadowrun
"What do we do now?!"
"...Deflect trees!" - Friends of mine playing Shadowrun
"I'm gonna make a piloting roll! Fuck, critical glitch! I'm burning edge... oh fuck, ANOTHER critical glitch?!"
"Uhh... the T-Rex grabs the plane by the wing and pulls causing it to crash. You and the T-Rex both die."
"What the fuck?!" - Me and my Mom's boyfriend, playing Shadowrun
"Shoot the water!" - Friend playing Shadowrun
"How many tarps have we used now?" - Friend playing Shadowrun
"What happened to the last tarp?"
"Used it on the Wyvern corpse, remember?" - Friends playing Shadowrun
"What do you want as payment?"
"A tarp." - Friends playing Shadowrun
I had never facepalmed so much as I did then. I just finished uni and was waiting on the bus. It was around the time Avatar came out (the james cameron one). I heard this.
girl 1" Wow, did you see Avatar ? That 3D was great !"
Girl 2" I know, right ? Sometimes I wish the world was in 3D"
...
yeah.
girl 1" Wow, did you see Avatar ? That 3D was great !"
Girl 2" I know, right ? Sometimes I wish the world was in 3D"
...
yeah.