Preparing for My First Time

[Brown Cap]

Hello fellow escapists.

Needless to say, this is something that I do not rightly want to talk about with my parents or anyone of my "friends" at the moment.
I am a 19 year old male (turning 20 in a week)
My girlfriend is 18 (turning 19 in November): Yes, there is a small age difference of 16 months.
We have been dating for almost 9 months now, and both of our parents love our significant others (we're a big happy family that might even get married some day).

Originally, she wanted to wait (for sex) until we were married. I did not have the same interest, but I respected her values and her rights, and we have never had sex. I love her, and I would never ask her to do something she did not want to do. She understands that very clearly, and we have a very happy and safe relationship nonetheless.

Less than two months ago, she went on the pill, and now, she wants to have sex for my twentieth birthday. This is not a definite thing, because she says she wants to, but she is scared. We have agreed that she can back out anytime she wants, and nothing is expected of her.

Now I need some advice. She knows that she doesn't have to if she doesn't want to. She wants to, but she is still quite scared (mostly because she is particularly "tight" and knows that her first time is probably going to hurt. A LOT.) I am also a virgin.

What is the best course of action? She knows he can back out at any time, and I won't be disappointed.
If she does, what is a good way to start? She suggested getting some Lube. Where can I get some discretely and not off the internet? Walmart? Is it even a good idea to use lube for the vagina?

Do you have any tips? Will there be blood? We're definitely getting condoms, but is there anything else I should consider?

 

[Vegosiux]

First of all, get ready for this:

It's not going to be anything to write home about. It's not going to be some sort of a mind-blowing experience. If she's a virgin, it's likely that there will be blood. And that it will be painful for her. That's one of those things that no two women will have the same experience with, but yes, it very well may happen - be prepared with extra sheets/towels or the like, something you can wash properly.

Take it slow and easy, and if either of you wants to take a break or stop, then take a break or stop. Some lubrication might most definitely help, but not knowing your locale, I can't suggest where to get any. But yes, the most important things I'd consider to make sure are one, only proceed at a pace that's comfortable for both, and seriously, don't put any high expectations into it. Third, take it as an exercise and experience in knowing each others' bodies and preferences better. You know, talk about it; "I liked that"; "Don't do that, it was unpleasant"; "Oh my, that was nice, do it again"...

This all sounds very awkward un-romantic, I know, but...the first time is usually a mess. Picasso didn't paint a masterpiece the first time he held a brush in his hand, either.

 

[FootloosePhoenix]

Sounds like advice from the female perspective might benefit you both, so I'll take a stab. Heheh, a stab. Get it? Like--oh, never mind.

Chances are it is going to hurt a lot. You can never say for sure, because every girl's different and so on, but it's good that she's prepared for that possibility. Lube is definitely a good idea and will help a bit, but it's not going to negate the pain. Any drug store in your area will sell lubrication; you can find it in the same section as the condoms and pregnancy tests. There isn't any place more discrete to buy it that I can think of, and purchasing it is not going to be as awkward as you might imagine. Anyone who works there will be used to it, trust me.

A lot of people tend to advise guys to take it easy and go slow, but for me at least, that only drew out the pain. I'd say try to get it over with as quickly as possible, then be nice and gentle to ease the discomfort; from there it's all uphill. The blood isn't much to worry about, just make sure you're not doing it with her on your finest sheets. After the first time, she might also be sore for a day or two, and may even continue to bleed a little, so take it easy if you guys decide to have sex again within that time frame. Losing your hymen sucks, but it's worth it.

On a more positive note, as long as you two can communicate openly and won't be embarrassed if something goes less than perfectly, it'll be more than fine.

 

[Brown Cap]

Thank you, escapists. All of you have provided some well-appreciated insight.

 

[Boris Goodenough]

And remember to buy the right size condoms, someplaces have like test packages with different sizes in them.
Too small and it hurts like hell which causes you to be more focued on the pain than the pleassure and too big and it will come off.

 

[Smooth Operator]

Lube and condoms you get from a pharmacy/drug store, because adults work there that don't make it a big deal.

As for sex itself, just don't make it a do or die moment, this shit is not that important and the more of a big deal you make it the worse that first time will be because it gets that much more awkward and scary. Get comfortable and naked with your partner, then snuggle up and play around with each other to see what works or feels good. Penetration isn't that great the first time around so make the most out of everything else, you can do plenty with kissing and rubbing.
Some ladies also said being on top made it a better experience for them, so that is worth a shot.

Most importantly you should both walk away happy, if you two only feel comfortable with a naked makeout session on the first try that is far better then a forced sex session that will burn the bond between you. You got years to get comfortably intimate with your partner so take your time, making it into D-Day of sex is the worst possible way to go.

 

[Rylot]

Have you seen each other naked yet? If either of you are afraid of showing off your body you might try showering or bathing together. I have a bit less than an Adonis like figure and taking a bath with a previous girlfriend really eased the tension. The bath is somewhere people usually feel more comfortable.

Also as others have mentioned take it slow. Foreplay is awesome and really helps build things. It tends to be really awkward the first time and it sounds like she might be really nervous so trying to get out of her what she wants you to do might be difficult (also she might not know) so try and gauge by her reactions if what you're doing is working. Be adventurous but start off gentle. Good luck and have fun.

 

[ultratog1028]

First of all, both of you should be comfortable. But since it is your first time you probably won't be. 1) If it's her first time, LET HER TAKE CONTROL. Let her set the pace and rhythm. This way you won't be hurting her, since she is in control. You should probably let her be on top. 2) Be comfortable naked with her. 3) Focus on her needs, not yours. 4) Seduce her. Be Gentle, courteous and attentive. 5) Foreplay. Men tend to be bottle rockets while Women tend to be pull motor lawn mowers. They take longer to get running but go longer. Endurance is key, and Foreplay is starting and warming the engine up. Try to actually Delay the act of actually having sex during foreplay until SHE initiates it. 6) Condoms actually can cause chafing. Lubricant can help with this. Just a small amount. 7) No means No. If she wants out during it, let her out. "Red-Yellow-Green" usually works for communication. (Green means keep going, Yellow means I need a break, Red means Stop completely, no more sex.) 8) Respond to her body how you would like to be responded too. This is not using her for masturbation. That's not what sex is.

Good luck!

 

[Callate]

With due respect to the other posters, I have to note that there's a line of thinking that the biggest reason sex hurts women the first time is so many people expect it to hurt the first time, leading to tension. I can't speak from personal experience, though; none of the women I've been fortunate enough to be intimate with was a virgin.

Beyond that, others have offered plenty of good advice. Be slow, be patient, be loving, don't put too much pressure on one another. Enjoy the time together, explore each other, and be sure that you can communicate as to what does and does not feel good; it's a learning experience.

Your first time is likely not to be earth-shattering on a strictly sexual plane, but that isn't to say that it can't still be sweet, romantic, intimate, and fun.

Oh, and regarding lubricant: You can get it almost anywhere these days. Most supermarkets in my area carry it in the "family planning" section. If a local market has an automatic self-checkout, you can use it if you're embarrassed. Be sure to use a water-based lubricant if you're using a condom, not a petroleum-based one like Vaseline which can cause the latex in the condom to break down. KY and Astroglide are two popular brands; most of the women I've known prefer the latter. There's nothing wrong with using lubricant for vaginal lubrication, and it can make things easier, since it may be difficult for a woman to self-lubricate her first time due to the aforementioned anxiety and tension; make applying it part of foreplay. Just be warned that it can get messy (you might want to put a towel down under yourselves if you aren't prepared to change the sheets.)

 

[renegade7]

It's good that you've decided to seek help for this.

Well, first, pain non-withstanding, it's not going to be particularly remarkable. So don't go getting your hopes too high, the LAST thing you're going to want is pressure to perform given all the other stuff you'll have to be figuring out.

Second, the first few times with anyone, whether you're a virgin or already have a thoroughly notched bedpost, are going to be a learning experience. Everyone's different in what they like and don't like. You'll need to figure that out for yourselves, so you're going to need to be able to talk about sex stuff with her.

As for pain, that can be hit or miss. Some girls seem to expect excruciating trauma and feel nothing, others go in with confidence and end up screaming bloody murder. But also remember that the hymen has no nerve endings and only a few capillary blood vessels and that women of all levels of experience will sometimes have pain during sex. Remember that the vagina stretches and lubricates as part of the arousal response, if she's nervous or doesn't know what to do, that's not going to happen, just like how some guys have trouble maintaining a full erection when they're nervous or mentally pre-occupied (hence why you shouldn't be feeling pressured). The pain and bleeding comes from the man's penis being forced in against dry, extremely thin skin, not from the hymen breaking.

Also, it often breaks by accident in women during their teenage years. Sports, falling, and even stretching too hard will all do it, and sometimes it slowly just breaks away bit by bit during her periods. If she's nearly 19 I'd say there's a pretty good chance this has already happened. As for being tight, well, just like how some guys are "growers, not showers" some girls can be the same way. The vagina is a muscular organ that is meant to be stretched out by a penis, and it can accommodate far more width than any man could dream of having even if it tends to close up when she's not aroused.

Okay, moving on from the icky anatomical stuff...

Lube probably isn't a bad idea. With experience, you guys will learn how to naturally get her wet, but with all the other stuff going on one more elemental of unknowns and pressure isn't going to help matters.

Also, stay away from alcohol the first few times. Alcohol can certainly make you hornier, but it can also make you sleepy and give you whiskey dick.

Missionary position is probably the best the first few times since it gives the most "access" to everything.

If you guys haven't done anything sexual yet, then maybe do some "outercourse" kind of activities for a bit first for a while and work up to it. Mutual stimulation, oral, making out, and I definitely agree with the suggestion to try showering together a couple times. I also would suggest sharing a bed for a couple of nights.

Hope that all helps. Best of luck.

 

[Doctor Teatime]

Ok, listen up, the most important thing you need to take away from this is this: IT'S NOT SUPPOSED TO HURT OR CAUSE BLEEDING. If it hurts or there's blood, you're doing something wrong. Back off with whatever you're doing and communicate with your partner. There's no membrane or anything like that covering the opening of the vagina, the hymen is literally a myth. You're not supposed to bleed during sex since nothing's supposed to break! The best way to avoid discomfort is to take it slow, seriously, take it reeeeally slow and keep talking. Sure, a vagina can be tight at first but it can stretch to accommodate pretty large stuff without breaking if you know what you're doing. But you're both gonna be noobs at this so you're gonna need all the feedback you can get, hence, never stop talking!

Now for some general advice. yes, you should get lube, you can never have too much lube. I'd say a water based lube is best for starters. Keep in mind, lube is not only handy for penetration, it's handy for everything. Even if you're just touching, get those bits lubed up properly! Also, never use oil or any kind of oil based lube along with a condom, it makes the condom break.

It's also worth asking, how much do you know about her anatomy? If you're not familiar with the anatomy of the vulva it can be worthwhile to look it up beforehand. An often overlooked fact is that the clitoris contains more nerve endings than the vagina. Heck, most women can't orgams from vaginal stimulation alone, so never forget the clitoris!

It may sound cliche but particularly for virgins the importance of foreplay can't be overstated. As renegade7 said, outercourse is a good way to go at first. Don't even think about trying any penetration unless you're both really turned on.

 

[lee1287]

Don't judge how sex is by this. It won't be glamorous or even any good, well, you may be a stud muffin so you never know. If it's her first time, go slow and gentle, But most of all, Try to enjoy it dude.

 

[Lilani]

Ok, listen up, the most important thing you need to take away from this is this: IT'S NOT SUPPOSED TO HURT OR CAUSE BLEEDING. If it hurts or there's blood, you're doing something wrong. Back off with whatever you're doing and communicate with your partner. There's no membrane or anything like that covering the opening of the vagina, the hymen is literally a myth. You're not supposed to bleed during sex since nothing's supposed to break! The best way to avoid discomfort is to take it slow, seriously, take it reeeeally slow and keep talking. Sure, a vagina can be tight at first but it can stretch to accommodate pretty large stuff without breaking if you know what you're doing. But you're both gonna be noobs at this so you're gonna need all the feedback you can get, hence, never stop talking!

Now for some general advice. yes, you should get lube, you can never have too much lube. I'd say a water based lube is best for starters. Keep in mind, lube is not only handy for penetration, it's handy for everything. Even if you're just touching, get those bits lubed up properly! Also, never use oil or any kind of oil based lube along with a condom, it makes the condom break.

It's also worth asking, how much do you know about her anatomy? If you're not familiar with the anatomy of the vulva it can be worthwhile to look it up beforehand. An often overlooked fact is that the clitoris contains more nerve endings than the vagina. Heck, most women can't orgams from vaginal stimulation alone, so never forget the clitoris!

It may sound cliche but particularly for virgins the importance of foreplay can't be overstated. As renegade7 said, outercourse is a good way to go at first. Don't even think about trying any penetration unless you're both really turned on.

Um...as a girl who through experimentation accidentally broke hers during masturbation, I can absolutely promise you the hymen is not a myth. Where would you even get an idea like that?

 

[Doctor Teatime]

The popular conception of the hymen as a membrance of sorts that covers the entrance of the vagina is very much a myth. Things can be tight, things can tear and you can bleed but there is nothing that blocks the vaginal entrance.

However, there is a rare medical condition where a person can be born with something that very much resembles the mythic hymen. This is usually discovered and rectified during puberty as it's literally impossible to menstruate with it. Hence, if you've ever menstruated you can be certain that you don't have a hymen.


If you ever get bleeding or discomfort during masturbation I very much recommend slowing down and/or using more lube.

 

[Lilani]

The popular conception of the hymen as a membrance of sorts that covers the entrance of the vagina is very much a myth. Things can be tight, things can tear and you can bleed but there is nothing that blocks the vaginal entrance.

However, there is a rare medical condition where a person can be born with something that very much resembles the mythic hymen. This is usually discovered and rectified during puberty as it's literally impossible to menstruate with it. Hence, if you've ever menstruated you can be certain that you don't have a hymen.


If you ever get bleeding or discomfort during masturbation I very much recommend slowing down and/or using more lube.

Then what is this?

en.wikipedia.org/w/index.php?title=hymen

 

[Doctor Teatime]

Umm, an article that pretty much describes what I said?

It doesn't seem terribly accurate but at least it acknowledges that the hymen is not something that's supposed to cover the vaginal entrance like some magical virginity barrier.

 

[Lilani]

Umm, an article that pretty much describes what I said?

It doesn't seem terribly accurate but at least it acknowledges that the hymen is not something that's supposed to cover the vaginal entrance like some magical virginity barrier.

And who said that it was? You said in your last post things can tear on the firat time, and one of those things that can possibly tear is the hymen. Which is what everybody above was describing.

 

[Doctor Teatime]

Umm, an article that pretty much describes what I said?

It doesn't seem terribly accurate but at least it acknowledges that the hymen is not something that's supposed to cover the vaginal entrance like some magical virginity barrier.

And who said that it was? You said in your last post things can tear on the firat time, and one of those things that can possibly tear is the hymen. Which is what everybody above was describing.

Oh, sure, things can tear but they're not supposed to, that's the whole point.
If there's pain or blood during sex you're doing something wrong. [Unless you're into that kind of stuff]
Sex can often be painful and bloody for virgins not because there's something about being a virgin that makes it so but because people suck at sex, and we've normalized these shitty sexual practices to the extent that people think it's supposed to hurt the first time.

 

[Lilani]

Umm, an article that pretty much describes what I said?

It doesn't seem terribly accurate but at least it acknowledges that the hymen is not something that's supposed to cover the vaginal entrance like some magical virginity barrier.

And who said that it was? You said in your last post things can tear on the firat time, and one of those things that can possibly tear is the hymen. Which is what everybody above was describing.

Oh, sure, things can tear but they're not supposed to, that's the whole point.
If there's pain or blood during sex you're doing something wrong. [Unless you're into that kind of stuff]
Sex can often be painful and bloody for virgins not because there's something about being a virgin that makes it so but because people suck at sex, and we've normalized these shitty sexual practices to the extent that people think it's supposed to hurt the first time.

If it's all about the technique, then why is bleeding almost exclusive to the FIRST time? Surely if there was NOTHING anatomical involved and it was ONLY about shitty sexual practices, it would happen every time the person uses shitty practices, rather than only with a virgin.

 

[Doctor Teatime]

Umm, sad to say, people have shitty, painful sex all the time.


But sure, sex with a virgin can have it's differences but there's still nothing about it that changes the fact that it's not supposed to hurt or be any tearing. Seriously, vaginas can accommodate pretty large things without damage if you go about things properly.



Now, it can happen that a person is unable to comfortably have penetrative sex even under the best ciscumstances, it's rare, sure, but it does happen. Bodies never fit a mould perfectly. If such is the case they should see a doctor, not ignore the pain and potentially damage themselves because of some inaccurate urban legend about first-time sex.