Question about Relationships and Whatnot

auron200004

New member
Oct 12, 2010
90
0
0
Alright, I'm trying to avoid making this too rambling, as I realize most people don't give a shit about my personal problems. It's just that the friends that I have (emotionally or physically -- in the sense that they are actually nearby) available are either busy or dealing with their own shit right now. I also realize this isn't a relationship forum, so if nobody responds to this, I understand completely.

For the first time in my life, I've met a girl who is interested in me romantically. Well, sort of...

She just got out of a long-term (like 3 to 4 years long) relationship. I have been single my entire life. We went on a (rather successful) first date. We basically acted like we were dating for about a week, then I received a text one morning explaining that we were moving too fast. I was willing to roll with that. However, as a couple weeks went by she started talking about how she didn't know me well enough, and eventually said some choice texts one late night (not insulting, just...foreboding) that implied this wasn't going to work out. So I asked her if she'd rather just remain friends for now. She said yes.

That's not the part I'm concerned about. She made it very clear that it wasn't my fault and that she just wanted to be "herself" for a while and be single (maybe date around and whatever). Again, no issues there. I've made it clear that even if she doesn't want to date, I'm still going to be there as a friend and person to talk to, yadayadayada.

What I'm asking is this: is it best for me to move on and try to find other people to date? Suffice it to say that I really REALLY care about this girl, and I believe she is worth the wait, but I'm not going to force her into a relationship if she doesn't want one. There's certain aspects of rapport that we need to work on (certain times she censors herself around me, for example), but otherwise we click too well for me to just let this go as easily as others might. I don't want this to turn into a pity party, but that week-ish was probably the happiest time of my life, and I want to somehow obtain that again.

So, sorry, rambling: Should I move on? Is being present as a friend a good idea if she needs to heal? Does anybody else have any similar stories/ situations that they would like to share?

EDIT: And am I just hardcore overthinking things?
 

manic_depressive13

New member
Dec 28, 2008
2,617
0
0
Here's a pretty decent rule of thumb: If you ever feel the urge to ask the internet about a relationship, just walk away instead. It demonstrates that you're more confident you will get accurate answers from a bunch of strangers, who don't even know the people involved, than you will from just asking the person in question. Meaning the communication skills necessary for a healthy relationship are sorely lacking.
 

auron200004

New member
Oct 12, 2010
90
0
0
manic_depressive13 said:
Here's a pretty decent rule of thumb: If you ever feel the urge to ask the internet about a relationship, just walk away instead. It demonstrates that you're more confident you will get accurate answers from a bunch of strangers, who don't even know the people involved, than you will from just asking the person in question. Meaning the communication skills necessary for a healthy relationship are sorely lacking.
Well, it's more that I've talked to other people, including the people directly involved, and I wanted to gain as much insight as possible (including from extremely superficial perspectives) because if it seems obvious to people with little insight, then it would enable me to learn something without the biases present. In other words, most of my friends have used the phrase "It will work itself out" -- which, you will notice, is a bit of a non-statement. Thus, if biases are coming into play (ie. they don't want to upset me or something), the best way to avoid this would be to ask strangers.

And part of the problem is that we DON'T know each other well enough, yet. So it's not so much lack of communication skills as lack of comfort in general to start with, as early stages of relationships tend to go (or so I've been told). Also, I am bored at 5:30 in the morning with nobody else awake, but I wanted to talk about this with somebody who is awake.

So if that helps get a grasp of my motives/ why I am turning to the internet -- there you go.
 

manic_depressive13

New member
Dec 28, 2008
2,617
0
0
auron200004 said:
I wasn't trying to criticise you. It's completely understandable that you want answers. It's just probably not a good sign that you would rather get an outside input than ask the person themselves, even considering early relationship uncertainty.

But alright, I'll give my two cents. I've never in my life seen a relationship where one person had to wait for the other work out. It's right up there with "taking a break" as a sign that your relationship is doomed. If that person felt strongly about you they wouldn't want to just be friends while they dated around.
 

Smooth Operator

New member
Oct 5, 2010
8,162
0
0
Oh mate, you just strung up everything you shouldn't be doing. So if you legitimately want this to work out and won't self sabotage then:
- work on attraction and nothing else as you start out
- also don't text-date, that shit puts you at the worst odds possible when it comes to attraction, work out a time to get together and do that
- do not jump into even relationship talk nor think about it before the rapport is cemented between you two (considering her past relationship you are looking at several weeks to months)
- if she pulls away you do not chase, you tell her where she can find you and keep your distance
- do not ever suggest a friendship when you are interested in someone, that just tells them you will always desperately wait around as a backup
- do not lament over outcome, whichever way it goes don't spazz out about it(not in public anyway), because the worst you can do for your chances is get pissy and reek of desperation

Don't know what sort of level of contact you have, but the next time you talk in person or on the phone you should make it clear friendships with attractive people don't work for you. And that you made a terrible mistake jumping in as if you had a relationship already, so if she wants to go on a proper date as two people who just met that is what you are interested in. Then you wait for a reply, and don't go into some bullshit friend stuff because that will just kill all future prospects.

Until things work out however it is best to occupy yourself with other things, can be hobbies or other dates, parties, friends,... just don't wait around for their reply because that desperation starts to build up real fast and makes you a very bad choice of partner.
 

auron200004

New member
Oct 12, 2010
90
0
0
manic_depressive13 said:
auron200004 said:
I wasn't trying to criticise you. It's completely understandable that you want answers. It's just probably not a good sign that you would rather get an outside input than ask the person themselves, even considering early relationship uncertainty.

But alright, I'll give my two cents. I've never in my life seen a relationship where one person had to wait for the other work out. It's right up there with "taking a break" as a sign that your relationship is doomed. If that person felt strongly about you they wouldn't want to just be friends while they dated around.
Yeah, I hear you. I dunno...some of the things she said that first week-ish makes me think that she really does just need time. Unless she was either lying (which I don't believe that to be the case) or speaking in haste (which is, admittedly, possible). I suppose if I'm that worried about it, I should just ask her if she meant those things she said way back when.

I guess, even if this doesn't work out, I'm trying to turn this into some form of learning experience, but I can't. She insisted when I asked at one point that it really had nothing to do with me and was just the place she was in. She said that she wanted to have some time where she wasn't just "<girl's name> AND somebody". I'm just in a weird spot because this is the most significance I've had relationship-wise, so I realize that I'm a bit too attached. If this were not to pan out, I would still want some sort of knowledge to obtain from this, and it's difficult to learn a lesson when one hasn't done wrong (at least according to all other parties involved).

See, here's the thing, I've only known her (like... at all, not just personally) since late October, and we went on a date and a half very quickly after that. She also broke up with her long-term other in August of this year. Also, due to circumstances that are extremely complicated, she is still living with her ex (although he -- who is now a she, like I said, complicated -- has already moved on and has a girlfriend), so healing has yet to even have a chance to begin.

Ramble, ramble, ramble -- my point is is that this seems to be a particularly unique (if not special) circumstance, and thus why I am trying to talk and ask people about it.
 

auron200004

New member
Oct 12, 2010
90
0
0
Smooth Operator said:
Oh mate, you just strung up everything you shouldn't be doing. So if you legitimately want this to work out and won't self sabotage then:
- work on attraction and nothing else as you start out
- also don't text-date, that shit puts you at the worst odds possible when it comes to attraction, work out a time to get together and do that
- do not jump into even relationship talk nor think about it before the rapport is cemented between you two (considering her past relationship you are looking at several weeks to months)
- if she pulls away you do not chase, you tell her where she can find you and keep your distance
- do not ever suggest a friendship when you are interested in someone, that just tells them you will always desperately wait around as a backup
- do not lament over outcome, whichever way it goes don't spazz out about it(not in public anyway), because the worst you can do for your chances is get pissy and reek of desperation

Don't know what sort of level of contact you have, but the next time you talk in person or on the phone you should make it clear friendships with attractive people don't work for you. And that you made a terrible mistake jumping in as if you had a relationship already, so if she wants to go on a proper date as two people who just met that is what you are interested in. Then you wait for a reply, and don't go into some bullshit friend stuff because that will just kill all future prospects.

Until things work out however it is best to occupy yourself with other things, can be hobbies or other dates, parties, friends,... just don't wait around for their reply because that desperation starts to build up real fast and makes you a very bad choice of partner.
I mean, we enjoy each others' company? I realize this is a weird case (and maybe I'm just completely out of my element and thus ignorant), but outside of like high school situations, most relationships that I've witnessed tend to have a slow build. And when I say relationship, I'm meaning emotional closeness and stability...if that makes sense. Besides, it wasn't like the rushed beginning wasn't mutual, I asked her out, she said yes. The next day she immediately asked if I could hang out, and she randomly dropped by my home at one point to take me to a movie. Also, I have plenty of attractive friends (who I am attracted to), but if they're not interested in a relationship, I don't pursue it. We don't just text, we've made it clear that any sufficiently "involved" conversation must take place either over phone call or in-person.

She also texts ME fairly often, so she's not pulled away, at least in the contact sense. I don't know, like I said, maybe I'm just over-ignorant of the goings-on in these situations. Also, I realize nobody has the entire context here, and I realize that might color things one way or the other.
 

Blitsie

New member
Jul 2, 2012
532
0
0
So all in all:

-This is pretty much your first requited love

-You are obviously excited - who wouldn't be haha- and more than willing to jump into the relationship

-You don't really grasp some of the concepts about dating and relationships truly yet and you may have paced things a bit too fast (nothing wrong with it hey, was there myself, sadly dating is trial and error and best you can do is learn as you experience)

-She wants to take things slower and essentially changes her mind later on deciding not to go through with it

-You're now stuck on whether you should exclusively focus on her still or move on to other prospects

First things first, gratz on your first requited feelings! You are going to learn tons about yourself and the fairer sex during this turbulent time ahead for you, take notes.

Secondly, and these next two pointers are the most important I personally know that I can give you, quality takes time and relationships aren't a goal-oriented process:

Every well functioning relationship is built on the basis that the two people actually know each other well enough to know that its going to work, and getting to know a person (a quality one especially) is not an overnight or over a week process. I haven't really grasped the tricky part yet where you do this without getting sent smackdab into being her best friend or "being like a brother" but my friend who's in a amazing 7 year relationship recommends you essentially just make your intentions of wanting more clear after you pass the whole acquaintance part and GENUINELY feel she's worth it, then you work on getting to know her better and better from there until you guys get close enough to take the next step if she also feels the same.

And for the love of all that's good when it comes to courting someone, please don't expect you guys to be holding hands doing couple-y stuff a year down the line or so, the worst thing you can do to yourself is set up the goal of achieving a long term relationship with someone you're not 100% sure will agree with you about it. Instead just have fun with the person without any end goal in mind and spend time where you can and want to and just let things develop, these things just happen really.

So, back to your problem:

You're lucky nothing happened between you two yet because you most definitely would've been the rebound and she would've left you when she's finally over the other dude, be happy about that. What I recommend you do for now is just chill and hang out with her and actually get to know her better, and just be yourself and let whatever happen, happen. Remember she's still recovering from a long term relationship so in all honesty, nothing worthwhile is going to happen between you guys any time soon.

And in regards on whether you should focus just on her or try other prospects too, best I can say is don't expect anything more from her and if you end up running into another interested girl, get to know that girl too and see how things go. Essentially just adopt a devil may care attitude and leave things to happen.

Good luck ahead man, keep your heart safe and have fun.
 

manic_depressive13

New member
Dec 28, 2008
2,617
0
0
auron200004 said:
Ramble, ramble, ramble -- my point is is that this seems to be a particularly unique (if not special) circumstance, and thus why I am trying to talk and ask people about it.
How would you feel if you were dating (or considering dating) someone, and you found out they were posting on forums asking what you really meant when you said something, or how you really feel about them? And all the replies were just people making the worst assumptions about you and your intentions (I say hypocritically, having done just that)? Wouldn't you be a little hurt or annoyed that they didn't just talk to you about it? Especially if it's something you would have readily clarified if they had just asked?

I agree that there's probably a lesson to be learned here, but these are the sorts of lessons that have to be learned the hard way. No one can just explain them to you because these are unique people in a unique circumstance.
 

auron200004

New member
Oct 12, 2010
90
0
0
Blitsie said:
Yeah, that's mostly the stuff that my female friends have been telling me. I guess I was just looking for outside confirmation in regards to this in case they were just trying to not let me be disappointed.

manic_depressive13 said:
How would you feel if you were dating (or considering dating) someone, and you found out they were posting on forums asking what you really meant when you said something, or how you really feel about them? And all the replies were just people making the worst assumptions about you and your intentions (I say hypocritically, having done just that)? Wouldn't you be a little hurt or annoyed that they didn't just talk to you about it? Especially if it's something you would have readily clarified if they had just asked?

I agree that there's probably a lesson to be learned here, but these are the sorts of lessons that have to be learned the hard way. No one can just explain them to you because these are unique people in a unique circumstance.
Yeah, you have a point. I guess I was just in the mood to talk about it with somebody -- anybody -- and everybody who I could talk to about it just happened to be fast asleep.

But at the same time, is it wrong to seek advice from one's peers? I'm not so much looking to see if what she said was what she meant...

Y'know what? I'm not entirely sure what I meant to accomplish with this, now that I think about it. On the one hand, I guess I subconsciously was looking for confirmation that I either was "in the clear" or "completely fucked". But I still think that hearing other individuals' perspectives is a good thing to do (as good as it can be, I realize, with the lack of information to work off of).
 

auron200004

New member
Oct 12, 2010
90
0
0
George218532 said:
You sound whiny and needy. How could you expect anyone to be with you? Giving you advice is pointless, you've already made a decision and the only thing you're looking for now is validation.
Glad to see you joined just to post that. Happy times for all. Didn't realize that wanting a relationship qualified as "whiny" and "needy". Guess that makes...oh, let's see...most of the human species "whiny" and "needy", then. And yeah, I do need advice. Advice on whether or not to attach myself. Advice on whether to move on or not. Advice on, wait for it, relationships. Yeah, weird that. Especially with the thread title and all.
 

Blitsie

New member
Jul 2, 2012
532
0
0
auron200004 said:
Y'know what? I'm not entirely sure what I meant to accomplish with this, now that I think about it. On the one hand, I guess I subconsciously was looking for confirmation that I either was "in the clear" or "completely fucked". But I still think that hearing other individuals' perspectives is a good thing to do (as good as it can be, I realize, with the lack of information to work off of).
Ag its not a total trainsmash, this shit can get complex and confusing as hell and is obviously not working the way you want it to so this is just your way of trying to make sense of it all, you got any good games or something you can go get yourself immersed in? I find getting lost into something that takes my mind off it all does me wonders and actually sometimes brings up a good personal solution to things too. :)
 

auron200004

New member
Oct 12, 2010
90
0
0
Blitsie said:
Ag its not a total trainsmash, this shit can get complex and confusing as hell and is obviously not working the way you want it to so this is just your way of trying to make sense of it all, you got any good games or something you can go get yourself immersed in? I find getting lost into something that takes my mind off it all does me wonders and actually sometimes brings up a good personal solution to things too. :)
Yeah, that's what I've been trying to do. But with finals coming up, and the fact that playing video games tends to mean me neglecting other forms of human contact (I live alone), I've just not been feeling up to it as much. That's a shame, too, as I have quite the back catalog of games to go through.
 

Smooth Operator

New member
Oct 5, 2010
8,162
0
0
auron200004 said:
I mean, we enjoy each others' company? I realize this is a weird case (and maybe I'm just completely out of my element and thus ignorant), but outside of like high school situations, most relationships that I've witnessed tend to have a slow build. And when I say relationship, I'm meaning emotional closeness and stability...if that makes sense. Besides, it wasn't like the rushed beginning wasn't mutual, I asked her out, she said yes. The next day she immediately asked if I could hang out, and she randomly dropped by my home at one point to take me to a movie. Also, I have plenty of attractive friends (who I am attracted to), but if they're not interested in a relationship, I don't pursue it. We don't just text, we've made it clear that any sufficiently "involved" conversation must take place either over phone call or in-person.

She also texts ME fairly often, so she's not pulled away, at least in the contact sense. I don't know, like I said, maybe I'm just over-ignorant of the goings-on in these situations. Also, I realize nobody has the entire context here, and I realize that might color things one way or the other.
Ok I should explain from the top where it went wrong.
You rushed into a permanent looking thing with those dates, doesn't matter that you both did it, the thing that matters is that at the end of that day you are still strangers. Yes you had a fun time but you only yet made a very small step in the process of knowing one another.
And when you rush things like this people quickly realize they are headed for another permanent relationship with someone they don't know, which will put their brakes on full stop.

If you figured it out in time to give her space she would relax and warm up again for dating because things wouldn't look so dire. But you kept on going with the same dynamic until she wanted out completely. And then you made the mistake that trumps all else by telling her you will simply wait on the sidelines, that gives people every reason to bide their time and to play the field as they aren't loosing you anyway.
And yes now she can text you at will because you aren't going anywhere, nor does she need to make any sort of effort for you, all the boyfriend services are now at her disposal as long as she likes.

To be clear people don't do this out of malice it is simply their nature to avoid bad deals and take free things whenever available, things that came for free however have very little value to us.
 

Lil devils x_v1legacy

More Lego Goats Please!
May 17, 2011
2,728
0
0
If she just got out of a long term relationship, she may need time to recover. If it was a particularly bad relationship, she will need more time to recover because often in stressful or abusive relationships one loses "themself" and she would then need time to get back to being herself again before thinking about being anyone else's " girlfriend". Often people do not think about the impact bad relationships can have on someone, and usually much has been sacrificed in an attempt to " try and make it work" and she may just need time to deal with that if this is a recent event.

This is assuming she is being honest with you about what she is feeling and not just putting you off. If she is being honest, only time will tell if/when she will be ready to date. For what it is worth, I was not ready to date when I met the man I am with now. I tried my best to make him leave and he didn't. I didn't try to make him leave because I wasn't attracted to him or anything, I tried to make him leave because I was attracted to him, but wanted to be on my own at the time since well.. my ex had tried to kill me, and I needed time to recover. If she came out of a stressful relationship, she does need time to get back to herself first. That very well could be the case, but once she figures out who she is and what she wants, she may or may not be interested in a relationship with you, that may or may not happen.
 

manic_depressive13

New member
Dec 28, 2008
2,617
0
0
auron200004 said:
I think I'm just bitter because I used to have a friend who turned to her forum when some high school drama was going down, and the replies she got may have poisoned our friendship. Realistically, our friendship was probably doomed at the point where she claimed I tried to steal her crush. Even though I had already rejected the guy because I valued our friendship more. I just can't help but feel it wouldn't have ended so badly if she had just talked to me instead of those internet randoms. But that was a very long time ago. I should probably let it go.
 

auron200004

New member
Oct 12, 2010
90
0
0
Smooth Operator said:
Ok I should explain from the top where it went wrong.
You rushed into a permanent looking thing with those dates, doesn't matter that you both did it, the thing that matters is that at the end of that day you are still strangers. Yes you had a fun time but you only yet made a very small step in the process of knowing one another.
And when you rush things like this people quickly realize they are headed for another permanent relationship with someone they don't know, which will put their brakes on full stop.

If you figured it out in time to give her space she would relax and warm up again for dating because things wouldn't look so dire. But you kept on going with the same dynamic until she wanted out completely. And then you made the mistake that trumps all else by telling her you will simply wait on the sidelines, that gives people every reason to bide their time and to play the field as they aren't loosing you anyway.
And yes now she can text you at will because you aren't going anywhere, nor does she need to make any sort of effort for you, all the boyfriend services are now at her disposal as long as she likes.

To be clear people don't do this out of malice it is simply their nature to avoid bad deals and take free things whenever available, things that came for free however have very little value to us.
To be fair, after she first asked to slow down, I did ease up. We still texted -- albeit not as much, but we only went on one other date (one that had been prearranged before she asked to slow down, and she wanted to go). The reason I asked her if she wanted to break it off was because she kept saying shit about how she "didn't know what she wanted", and I could read the signs.

But, so what you're saying is that I'm fucked, huh? That's a shame... Don't get me wrong, I'm happy to still have any form of relationship with her, even if it does only end in friendship. I think she's worth that.

Lil devils x said:
If she just got out of a long term relationship, she may need time to recover. If it was a particularly bad relationship, she will need more time to recover because often in stressful or abusive relationships one loses "themself" and she would then need time to get back to being herself again before thinking about being anyone else's " girlfriend". Often people do not think about the impact bad relationships can have on someone, and usually much has been sacrificed in an attempt to " try and make it work" and she may just need time to deal with that if this is a recent event.

This is assuming she is being honest with you about what she is feeling and not just putting you off. If she is being honest, only time will tell if/when she will be ready to date. For what it is worth, I was not ready to date when I met the man I am with now. I tried my best to make him leave and he didn't. I didn't try to make him leave because I wasn't attracted to him or anything, I tried to make him leave because I was attracted to him, but wanted to be on my own at the time since well.. my ex had tried to kill me, and I needed time to recover. If she came out of a stressful relationship, she does need time to get back to herself first. That very well could be the case, but once she figures out who she is and what she wants, she may or may not be interested in a relationship with you, that may or may not happen.
She didn't have an abusive relationship in the traditional sense. Stressful, though? Yes and yes. Their three to four year relationship was very tumultuous, with many moments where they seemed likely to break up (and they sometimes did, for relatively short periods of time). She also "rushed" into that relationship, too, so I can easily see where her hesitation comes from. It doesn't help that her ex still lives in her house, so she can't fully begin to heal yet.

If you don't mind my asking, the man you're with now, when you "tried your best to make him leave and he didn't", did that mean he was still around quite frequently, or did you two more or less ease up on contact for the duration of that time?

And I'm sorry to hear about your past relationship. I'm glad that you are out of that situation.

EDIT:
manic_depressive13 said:
auron200004 said:
I think I'm just bitter because I used to have a friend who turned to her forum when some high school drama was going down, and the replies she got may have poisoned our friendship. Realistically, our friendship was probably doomed at the point where she claimed I tried to steal her crush. Even though I had already rejected the guy because I valued our friendship more. I just can't help but feel it wouldn't have ended so badly if she had just talked to me instead of those internet randoms. But that was a very long time ago. I should probably let it go.
I'm sorry to hear that. Don't worry, like I said, I realize the perspective internet strangers have is probably not the best one, as people don't know me and her. I guess I'm just here because any advice (even bad advice) is better than no advice? I'm just interested in people's perspectives and will plan to weigh them with a careful eye, that's all.
 

Itdoesthatsometimes

New member
Aug 6, 2012
279
0
0
Get over her quick. She wants fun cock and cock she has to work for. She does not want a romantic relationship with you. But if you drop the romantic talk you can still be a backup lay.

Be backup lay if you want.

Be friend if you want.

But what ever you do, forget about a romantic relationship with her.
 

Smooth Operator

New member
Oct 5, 2010
8,162
0
0
auron200004 said:
But, so what you're saying is that I'm fucked, huh? That's a shame... Don't get me wrong, I'm happy to still have any form of relationship with her, even if it does only end in friendship. I think she's worth that.
As long as you keep thinking of it as a relationship that you must hang onto at all costs you are absolutely fucked yes, you ended up in a mighty deep hole.

If you want to make things work again then you need to reset the order of things. If you got her on the phone and made it clear a friendship won't work out, but you would love to start over with any kind of non obligatory date this would make all the difference. Let me stress again that to do so you can't keep referring to your situation as a relationship, that is months down the line of an open enjoyment filled dating life... don't screw yourself or them out of that.
Anyone starts putting obligations into the mix before their time and you will be right back in the hole.
 

auron200004

New member
Oct 12, 2010
90
0
0
Smooth Operator said:
As long as you keep thinking of it as a relationship that you must hang onto at all costs you are absolutely fucked yes, you ended up in a mighty deep hole.

If you want to make things work again then you need to reset the order of things. If you got her on the phone and made it clear a friendship won't work out, but you would love to start over with any kind of non obligatory date this would make all the difference. Let me stress again that to do so you can't keep referring to your situation as a relationship, that is months down the line of an open enjoyment filled dating life... don't screw yourself or them out of that.
Anyone starts putting obligations into the mix before their time and you will be right back in the hole.
I'm just referring to it as a relationship in the very bare-bones definition. If you'd prefer "interactions" or something, that's what I mean by that.

Are you sure that won't just serve to alienate things further? She's made it pretty clear that she doesn't want any sort of substantial thing right now, and if I refer to it as a date she will probably assume I'm trying to kickstart a relationship. I mean, we hang out, sometimes alone. Those are...effectively, I guess...dates in all but name, yeah?