Rejection... how do you deal with it?

[Phlakes]

Ha! You can't be rejected if you never put yourself in that kind of situation in the first place!

Haha... Oh... *sob*

Anyway, like most people on the internet, I turn to the internet. Usually end up watching LPs for a while.

 

[TheRundownRabbit]

No, your not crazy, feeling sad because you got rejected is quite the opposite of crazy, it doesn't matter how many times you met someone. No, don't try to be less sensitive, you will become less sensitive in the long run, if you try and force it, you'll end up bottling up all your emotions...that's bad. Rejection is something that happens to a lot of people, it will still happen to a lot of people, but everyone has their own ways of dealing with it, I for instance lock myself in my room and listen to Eve6 and Lit albums.

 

[Smooth Operator]

Don't worry about it mate, being new to the dating scene and the emotions that follow is like a kick in the nutsack, but over time you do grow thicker skin or rather you start to care less.
As a guy rejection is pretty much 80% of the dating experience, girls are swarmed by guys on regular basis and you will not always come out on top of that list.
Right now all your hopes and dreams are riding on these two girls and it feels if this fails you will be Forever Alone(TM), but once you go through this a couple of times you will see a new love interest is around every corner if you are willing to pursue it.

All I can suggest for now is relax and occupy yourself with something else, they either like you or they don't, however it comes down it's not the end of anything you move on and find someone new.
And once you can relax successfully you will notice something interesting, girls prefer you that way.

 

[Combustion Kevin]

Don't worry. One day you'll meet a girl who really likes you. Then you'll discover that you don't really like her back and you can be the one to break her heart, which always makes one feel better about themselves.

That nakes you feel better?
I feel awful doing that, mostly because I know what it's like.

OT: Loneliness gets the best of us, the trick is to keep going forward and not be affraid of pain, be it emotional or physical.

Anything worth having is worth fighting for, when the oppertunity arises, seize it and show her what an awesome, driven and determined badass you are.

Or show her what a caring, selfless and understanding sweetheart you are, whatever suits you best.

 

[Thaluikhain]

Eh, not much fun but you'll get over it. Just don't turn into one of those "But I'm a Nice Guy[sup]TM[/sup], the universe should give me a girlfriend cause of how awesome I am!" types and you'll be fine.

 

[enzilewulf]

Well just do what makes you happy to get over it. Never give up. I mean if you still fairly new to the emotions of "love" then you will go through the routine. I was obsessed with this one chick who I though might like me back, but she blew me off. You just got to let it go bro, move on, and keep looking.

 

[manic_depressive13]

That nakes you feel better?
I feel awful doing that, mostly because I know what it's like.

Absolutely. Extra ego points if you do it via text message and make them cry.

 

[Combustion Kevin]

Absolutely. Extra ego points if you do it via text message and make them cry.

oh come on, that's terrible. o.o
what did they ever do to you?

 

[Fiskmasen]

Never ever combine yourself with negative feelings. What I do (and have done for a lot of years) is give myself compliments. No, I'm serious. Got a mirror you look at yourself in on a daily basis? Take a marker and write good stuff on it. "You are awesome," "You are beautiful," "You're the best around". Have to e-mail something to yourself? Write a line that you'll see the next time you open it (e.g. "You are one sexy man-beast."

If you get rejected (it happens to all of us at some point), do not dig yourself down a pit of misery. Just pick yourself up and go on with your life. It's all in your head anyways, think positive and you'll have a much happier life.

 

[manic_depressive13]

oh come on, that's terrible. o.o
what did they ever do to you?

Nothing, I just need the occasional ego boost, and making people cry beats emailing yourself compliments. More validating too.

 

[tharglet]

From both of the experiences you describe, you seem to be an emotional person - this has plusses and minuses, but the minuses are probably far more apparent to you than the positive side.

I don't think it's unusual to be upset, but you will probably want to work on toning down your emotional responses a bit. Ofc, the more you go through "bad" experiences, the better one tends to be with coping with them and finding ways to reach an even level. If after a bunch of disappointments you're not getting any better at control, and you tend to cling onto relationships too heavily before they're fully developed, you may want to see a therapist to help find a way of controlling your emotional responses (there are methods, but it depends on what works for you).

One thing to watch out for in your case is not to be too obsessive over people. Try not to come on too strong in the beginning phases, and not invest your feelings right away. Easy to say, but hard to do I'm afraid ^^.

 

[Angerwing]

I'm one of the least emotional guys you'll ever meet. I think after going through Depression and a really shit time in my life, I don't really feel things any more. I don't mind this though; I still like going out and spending time with friends, I still get bored at work, I still get angry when the bullshit fucking AI cheats in a video game, but I don't feel very strongly towards people apart from my parents, my best friend and my sister (not even my brother or girlfriend). When both of my grandfathers died in a one month period, I was more concerned for my parents then upset about their death.

So I don't really get upset about rejection, because I don't particularly get upset about a lot of things.

Also there's the fact that before I had my girlfriend, the girls I would hit on would be random girls out at bars and clubs and stuff. I didn't really give a damn if they rejected me.

 

[Cgull]

So, I'm 25, never had a girlfriend, and have just recently found a way to try out the dating thing. Dated one girl, went incredibly well, tried to get a second date, and got told she was too busy. A week passes, I obsess on it, but eventually I find something I know she really wants to do. We see a band, have a good time, and act like we're going to meet up again. I try the next week and she's "too busy." And the next. And the next. This woman has neither a job nor a car. The entire time I obsess on it constantly, ask everybody for advice, and eventually become fairly depressed. I keep all this to myself, mind you, because you never know, maybe she wants to hang out again. She never does and wishes me a facebook happy birthday about a month later. I message her saying thanks and how's it going. I eventually get a polite and vague response, and then I respond back..... and nothing.

Yesterday, I met another girl online. We meet at a bookstore for about 45 minutes and have a chat and a nice time. Later that night, it occurs to me to ask her online to see a movie. She agrees and we set up a time and everything. Next day, she cancels and provides very good and practical reasons why she would rather not go. I'm satisfied with this and appreciate that she gave a nice explanation when she really didn't have to. So, I'm sitting on the couch playing video games, like I do everyday. I need a little help in this one section so I check online. I had messaged her earlier and hadn't gotten a follow up response, so I was checking that as well. And very slowly it dawns on me. I turn off the game, go to my room, lock the door, and sob for nearly an hour. Over a girl I met ONCE.

Sooo. Is this the usual emotional response? Am I crazy? Is there any way to be less sensitive about these things? I really would like to be.

Can I ask, hopefully without coming across like Lord Dickington, were you upset that they rejected you because you really liked them both or was it because it re-affirmed a view you have on yourself (that you'll never find anyone etc.)? Put another way, where you crying because you wanted them or because you just want someone?

If it's the second option then, no, I don't think you're being too senstive, you're just late to the game. I'm 24 and whilst I have had girlfriends (and rejections, oh my the rejections) there have been long periods where I began to question whether I should try to change who I am in order to make things better. If you're feeling that now then I have one thing to advise; Ignore that impulse. Ignore it so hard it hurts. It's not fair on you to pretend to be someone you're not and it's not fair on any potential partners either, you wouldn't be happy to buy a ticket to see Guns'n'Roses and end up at the Opera instead and neither will they (odd metaphor I know, any guesses what I'm listening to?).

Unfortunately there's no magic cure, you will get hurt again, but it does get easier and you will find yourself getting less sensitive over time. Try not to dwell on it too much (yeah, I know, easier said than done) as you really don't want to trick yourself into thinking you've got some massive character flaw.

If none of that helps or makes sense then just think about this; you're getting dates in the first place. If there was something drastically wrong with you then that wouldn't be happening would it?

 

[Giftfromme]

So, I'm 25, never had a girlfriend, and have just recently found a way to try out the dating thing. Dated one girl, went incredibly well, tried to get a second date, and got told she was too busy. A week passes, I obsess on it, but eventually I find something I know she really wants to do. We see a band, have a good time, and act like we're going to meet up again. I try the next week and she's "too busy." And the next. And the next. This woman has neither a job nor a car. The entire time I obsess on it constantly, ask everybody for advice, and eventually become fairly depressed. I keep all this to myself, mind you, because you never know, maybe she wants to hang out again. She never does and wishes me a facebook happy birthday about a month later. I message her saying thanks and how's it going. I eventually get a polite and vague response, and then I respond back..... and nothing.

Yesterday, I met another girl online. We meet at a bookstore for about 45 minutes and have a chat and a nice time. Later that night, it occurs to me to ask her online to see a movie. She agrees and we set up a time and everything. Next day, she cancels and provides very good and practical reasons why she would rather not go. I'm satisfied with this and appreciate that she gave a nice explanation when she really didn't have to. So, I'm sitting on the couch playing video games, like I do everyday. I need a little help in this one section so I check online. I had messaged her earlier and hadn't gotten a follow up response, so I was checking that as well. And very slowly it dawns on me. I turn off the game, go to my room, lock the door, and sob for nearly an hour. Over a girl I met ONCE.

Sooo. Is this the usual emotional response? Am I crazy? Is there any way to be less sensitive about these things? I really would like to be.

Yeah you will have to treat it as a numbers game, and not worry too much about particular girls. Just try to meet as many as possible imo

 

[lettucethesallad]

I still obsess a bit, but I've learned to calm myself down. I give myself a few days to go over details and generally act like a crazy person, but then I shrug it off and just figure that it wasn't meant to be, there are plenty of other fish in the sea and all those other cliches.

Point is, they're missing out. They'll never know what amazing back rubs you give, or that you make the world's best toast, or that you can hug it out like no other. Your good qualities are in no way linked to them being attracted to you. One day things will work out, as they tend to do, and you'll be happy you didn't settle for less.

 

[Smooth Operator]

80% rejection? Man, you must not be very good at talking, or being interesting. Mine is more like 5%. 10% on a bad week. Realistically I'd say it is around 25% for most people.

Ah yes I completely forgot to mention the other way out, the Macho Man(TM) way, where you reject reality and substitute your own.
"When I get sad I stop being sad and be AWESOME instead. True story!"

Ignorance is bliss after all, you just have to be really committed.

 

[Phasmal]

You probably examine how you are coming across on your dates. Also, ask yourself if you were really interested in these specific girls or if you just want `a girlfriend` in order to validate yourself. Generally, girls can notice that sort of thing.

As for rejection, its tough, (its also no fun to have to try and let a guy down gently, either), but I'm sure when you meet someone worth your time, it wont matter.

Or you could just turn into one of the other `Women are evil so I dont try` guys on here.

 

[Chris Pond]

I did much the same as the OP the first time I was rejected by someone I thought I loved, even went as far as sitting alone with a kitchen knife at my wrists trying to remember which way you had to cut to bleed out faster.

Suffice to say, I stopped myself.

I think I have to agree with an earlier poster, self-perception is everything.

If you walk up to a pretty girl with every belief that you're good to enough to hold her attention, then your chances of doing exactly that dramatically increase.

Unfortunately I'm still training myself to put theory into practice on a regular basis.

I think the best way to go about it is to simply do the things that you love, talk about the things that you love, and eventually you'll stumble across someone who loves those things too, without having to search through bars and clubs night after night for the easiest girl you can find.

 

[Mista Gav]

It wasn't long ago that I asked a girl out for the first time (21 btw) and got rejected and I will be honest, I did sob for a bit and couldn't get it off my head especially as I felt like I had a real chance with this girl...ye know giving off all the signs. But once I got all that stuff out of my system I completely forgot about it and moved on and I advise you to do the same.

Think more positive instead of negative, things like 'It's her loss and not mine', 'She couldn't handle my awesome' and cheesy shit like that cos it will make you feel better. Plus personally I think it's good to have a sob over it as you (and me both) will get rejected many more times in life and so you'll only learn to deal with it in a stronger way over time to the point where you can be totally cool and swish about it.

 

[hooksashands]

Is it truly a loss if the other person was never going to put forth any effort?

Yea, it's a shame, it's a bummer, a real downer, but I've been in relationships where the girl liked me... she just never took any initiative. This flies in the face of gender equality. If it's always the boy who has to get a hold of the girl, then something is seriously wrong. Yet somehow we live in this culture that accepts how a guy must stick his neck out for a date or even just to spend some time. The traditional view is that women are to be sought after by men. The man must humble himself before the female and show her his ritual mating dance, seeking her favor, vying for her affection. And really, I've no idea why this still is.

One of my ex-girlfriends approached me. We weren't a perfect match (obviously), but we're still friends and we talk a lot. Part of that is, I think, she impressed me. She started our first conversation, and would phone me instead of just replying to texts. She would meet me at places halfway. She would drop what she was doing so we could be together.

She understood the idea of mutual feelings, not "Come rescue me, I'm a princess locked in a dungeon castle and oh by the way I should probably mention there are at least ten other guys already sharpening their weapons to slay the hydra on level 4. Also, about our movie tonight.. I'm busy. Maybe Saturday. Maybe."

I sincerely hope you find someone cut from the same cloth. In the meantime, be patient and keep searching. She's out there.