Relationship Question - age gaps UPDATE

[Auron225]

So there is this girl I know, aged 16, who I've recently learned has a crush on me (it must be snowing in hell). Now, since I'm 22 (turning 23 in just a couple of weeks), there is a good 7 year age gap. I'm flattered but not sure if I'm interested - largely because of the age gap. Please note that if something did happen, then nothing physical would. We're both Christians so waiting until marriage for that (in general)!

My initial reaction was "likely not interested", but since then 2 big realizations have come into play.

1) My parents and her parents (who happen to be friends) are very gung-ho about it - they just think it'd be the best thing ever if we dated, which certainly shocked me at first. Reflecting on it, it's likely because of the 6 year gap between my parents and the 8 year gap between hers.

2) I'm in teacher training at the moment, very soon to be on my first placement. If all goes well, I will be a fully qualified high-school maths teacher this time next year. Meanwhile, she will have 2 years left of school... I seem to be the only one who finds that really off. For example, in 2 years time she'll be going to her high-school formal (prom). If I'm dating her, I guess I'll be going with her. Usually teachers are invited to go to those as well... as teachers - not the students dates!

I know the age gap will be more trivial when she's like 19-20, but until she at least leaves school I find it hella strange. It may not just be the age gap so much as the fact that she IS 16. Granted she does seem very mature for her age - I was too for a 16 year old. But I've still done a lot of maturing and had a lot of experiences since then so it seems we're at very different stages of life.

She herself seems lovely - I know very little about her since we haven't talked much. My parents seem intent on playing matchmaker and if I decide that I'm not interested then I need a way of convincing them to lay off.

What do you guys think? Should I try to get to know her first, or just say no now?

UPDATE: After a very heated discussion, in which my own mental maturity was called into question, my parents finally decided (in desperation) to call a few friends of ours who are teachers and ask for their professional opinions. And every one of them agreed that while it was still legal, it would be extremely unprofessional, unethical and possibly career suicide. I'm in the clear.

Thank you all for the support and for confirming that I wasn't the insane one.

 

[Aerosteam]

Are there other reasons than just the age thing?

Wouldn't hurt to get to know her. Age difference shouldn't be a problem unless people think one of you is the other's grandparent.

As nice as your parents seem to be (and as much as I agree with them), don't let that influence you too much. What do YOU want?

About the being a teacher and she's a student thing, that shouldn't really matter unless you're actually teaching her. It's not really a factor since you don't hold authority over her directly.

 

[BloatedGuppy]

What do you guys think? Should I try to get to know her first, or just say no now?

She's 16.

I'm seven years older than my girlfriend. I started dating her when she was 23. The age gap was...hard to take sometimes. We were close enough in age to have plenty of shared life experiences, but there was a gulf in maturity that was tough to overcome. This girl is 16. She's not even graduated high school yet. Do you remember how mature and sensible you were at 16? None. You were none mature and sensible.

Let her grow up and sample life a bit first. If nothing else wait until she's old enough to vote. She needs to figure out how to live in her own skin before she starts learning how to be a good partner to someone.

 

[Johnny Novgorod]

The age gap isn't as important as the "stage of life" each person finds him/herself at. You're a college-trained adult who's had his future partly mapped out before him and is presumably on the road to fiscal independence. She's 16 and teens at that age are still "in the making", no matter how mature you think that makes you. She's had very little experience in the real world (i.e. not school) and hasn't figured out as many things about herself as you have about yourself. And so on.

And the it's-OK-we're-Christians-so-sex-is-right-out is bullshit, sorry. My girlfriend claims Catholicism but she was into pre-marital sex well before meeting me. Double standards for everyone!

She needs to figure out how to live in her own skin before she starts learning how to be a good partner to someone.

Absolutely.

 

[Asita]

Yeah, the age gap itself isn't as much of an issue as the fact that you've got a few years on either side of the Age of Consent (More than enough to create an absolute nightmare for the both of you in a worst case scenario, especially where the rumor mill is concerned), and the teacher/high school student combo is only going to fan the flames. I'd say that at the bare minimum you'd do well to wait until she's of age and in college before entertaining the notion.

 

[Wraith]

Can't say I give a shit if everything is legal. Don't do anything that will get you thrown in jail if being with a 16 year old is something your government frowns upon. Other than that go ahead, just be prepared to be a babysitter, teacher and older brother figure for this minor. Young teens have a lot to growing to do and she is going to be looking to you to set her straight and guide her.

ANd let me tell you, I have some experience with that and 80% of the time it's annoying, the other 20 it's very fulfilling. After that however everything seems to go smoothly.

 

[Kopikatsu]

The hard and fast rule is don't date under (age/2 + 7)

22/2 = 11 + 7 = 18.

I don't really put too much weight in it (I knew someone whose parents had a 20 year age gap and they were happily married), but eh.

 

[shootthebandit]

It doesnt matter provided it doesnt make you a peadophile. 16 is the age of consent in the UK so its not really and issue. Im 22 and I wouldnt have a problem if they were 16 or 29 provided I liked them and they liked me

its kind of weird how society has these stupid unwritten rules about age gaps

 

[Thaluikhain]

As mentioned, not so much the age difference, but the fact that she's in her mid-teens.

OTOH, every relationship is different. If you are keeping it non-physical, not seeing such an issue.

 

[JoJo]

Yeah, the age gap itself isn't as much of an issue as the fact that you've got a few years on either side of the Age of Consent (More than enough to create an absolute nightmare for the both of you in a worst case scenario, especially where the rumor mill is concerned), and the teacher/high school student combo is only going to fan the flames. I'd say that at the bare minimum you'd do well to wait until she's of age and in college before entertaining the notion.

Not necessarily, AoC is 16 or below in most countries and states and since OP doesn't mention that at-all, I assume that isn't a problem in his jurisdiction. I might be wrong though, some clarification on location would help.

As for the question in the OP, as long as it's legal why not give it a try? Maturity might be an issue but hey, you can always break up if it doesn't work out, it's not like you're marrying her.

 

[DisasterSoiree]

My twenty-five year old self would have no problem at all being with a sixteen year old girl, if the age of consent in my State weren't seventeen.

 

[Asita]

Yeah, the age gap itself isn't as much of an issue as the fact that you've got a few years on either side of the Age of Consent (More than enough to create an absolute nightmare for the both of you in a worst case scenario, especially where the rumor mill is concerned), and the teacher/high school student combo is only going to fan the flames. I'd say that at the bare minimum you'd do well to wait until she's of age and in college before entertaining the notion.

Not necessarily, AoC is 16 or below in most countries and states and since OP doesn't mention that at-all, I assume that isn't a problem in his jurisdiction. I might be wrong though, some clarification on location would help.

As for the question in the OP, as long as it's legal why not give it a try? Maturity might be an issue but hey, you can always break up if it doesn't work out, it's not like you're marrying her.

That is true, but - in my experience in the US at least - State laws on AoC tend to pass under most people's radar. I've never heard anyone in common conversation actually acknowledge the difference in state laws on the subject (and indeed, I've seen more than a few people be visibly shocked when informed of the fact) and the court of public opinion tends to default to the Federal Age of Majority. The law would be on his side if he pursued such a relationship in Florida (provided he doesn't teach at her school) for instance, but I'd be very surprised indeed if their peers and elders (outside their respective friends and family) didn't have a very bleak view of it regardless.

 

[Batou667]

One consideration is legality. You don't mention where you're from and your profile doesn't say either, but I'd say keep everything above board, even if you don't anticipate a physical relationship.

Another consideration is maturity. Although it's legal for me, in the UK, to date a 16-year old I just don't think I *could*; we'd have nothing to talk about and the fact that she'd be in school and too young to drink, vote or drive would just scream "she's a CHILD" every time it crossed my mind.

Mind you, there are always exceptions. At my last place of work there was a young lady who I would have guessed was about 19-20 in terms of both looks and maturity (she was very mellow, very motherly, very sensible and no-nonsense) and it turned out she was 16. So, age sometimes really is just a number. It's almost a bit odd both sets of parents are in favour of the relationship, but I suppose it couldn't hurt to get to know each other as friends or companions first, and if something developed a couple of years down the line, why not...?

 

[Dizchu]

I think age gaps aren't really a problem, it's when the younger person is in their mid-teens that things get problematic. Problematic with the law, that is.

But the fact is, there's 16 year olds more mature than some 30 year olds. Hell, you can find 10 year olds more mature than Chris-chan, for example. But on the other hand, there are many teenagers that are absolutely not ready for that sort of thing. Make sure to use a LOT of discretion in this territory.

It's complicated. I don't think 16 is too bad (the average age to lose virginity is around 17 I think?) but I find it curious why in relationships with age gaps, the younger person is almost always female. Why is that? Neoteny? Faster emotional maturity?

 

[DanielBrown]

Personally I wouldn't be intrested and find the age gap too wide. Can't speak much for myself other than that.
However, a friend of mine was together with a girl who was 16 when he was 21. He got insanely tired of her as the maturity levels are very far apart from each other. She complained about school constantly, while he worked all day long to provide for them both(yeah, she moved in a week after they met *shudders*).

 

[Colin Bagley]

I don't know where you are. But here in England, I've heard (From a young teacher mate I had a few years ago), that the Age of consent goes up once you're a teacher. Back to how it was several generations ago. 21.

Meaning that Teachers can't bang 16-year-olds like the rest of us.

Yes, the Age of Consent in England is 16.

I don't know how accurate that information is though. Since we were mucking about in a Bar at the time.

 

[Itdoesthatsometimes]

This is such an incredibly bad idea. Other than this girl's parents, what parent do you think wants their child taught by someone who would consider a sixteen year old's crush as a prospect for marriage? The age of consent is not a dinner bell ring for all older people within hearing distance. It is a legal term meaning no longer a child concerning sexual activity. This does not include pornography, and many state's with a lower age of consent, still give the minor's the right to consent to the parents until adulthood (18). Meaning the person is no longer a child, but is still a minor.

And even if none of that were involved and it was simply an age gap issue. Age differences are a big thing.

 

[Colin Bagley]

It's complicated. I don't think 16 is too bad (the average age to lose virginity is around 17 I think?) but I find it curious why in relationships with age gaps, the younger person is almost always female. Why is that? Neoteny? Faster emotional maturity?

I've been pondering that question myself for a while. And I guess it's because different things make men and women attractive. Generally speaking; men are attractive if they're impressive, make the girl feel safe, and confident. Traits which I imagine most teenage boys score poorly in compared to guys who are older than the girl.

Meanwhile, guys don't seem to mind if a girl isn't confident, and (Again, Generally speaking) tend to find girls younger than ourselves attractive.
Speaking only for myself, with all of my exes being either a little, or substantially younger than myself. If she's insecure or nervous, it brings out the protective and caring side of me. Which we both then enjoy. She enjoys being looked after, and I enjoy caring for her.