Relationships: trials & temptations

[Sebass]

I'm having some trouble with my relationship. I can't really talk to my friends about this so I decided to post a thread on the escapist, that's always a good idea. I have a long background clarification and a short question, but I'll spoiler the long part and give a TLDR for all you you lazy fucks out there.

Spoiler

Let me clarify the background first.

I've been together with my girlfriend for over 2 years. We've had our ups and downs, like any other couple, but lately it seems to be more down than ever. A few months ago she had feelings for someone else. That lasted a few weeks, but in the end she chose me. The reason for this was that at that time, I was in the middle of my exams so I did not really have time for her. This wouldn't be that big of a deal, but she was going through a fase where she'd lost most of her friends and that other guy was there for her when I was not so it's understandable that she would get closer to that person.

After my exams were over and I started acting like a boyfriend again, she very quickly lost her interest in him and all was well again, so I can accredit her behaviour to loneliness and finding solace when she was going through a hard time, not because she liked him more than me and that comforted me.

Fastforward a few months and she's leaving on a 6-day schooltrip to Barcelona. Now, because she's abroad we can't really be in contact alot, but we send eachother a few textmessages each day. Now on the 3rd day, I get a message where she said she got drunk and did something she regretted, yadayadayada, long story short: she got really hammered (she's only been drunk once in her life before and that was just a little tipsy) and let a guy, after a few times of saying no, put his hand down her pants while she puts her hand in his.

That didn't last long and she pushed him away, but it still happened and it hurt. Now I was pretty shocked because that's not like her, but because she confessed, because she was drunk and because I love her, I told her I forgave her.

Now, it sort of hurt that she cheated on me, even though she was too drunk to really blame her for it so I talked about it with a female friend of mine that I was already sort of close with. Now for some reason, I just can't stop thinking about and flirting with this other girl anymore even though I find her inferior in every way and I don't have any emotional attachment to her, no romantic feelings whatsoever. She's less attractive, less fun, less interesting and basically I find that my girlfriend is better in everything that's positive about her. I would not date this girl unless it was just to get laid and seeing that she's not that type of girl, I just wouldn't date her.

I love my girlfriend and I wouldn't want another one, so why can I not get her out of my mind? Why can I not stop telling her how good I think she looks? And more importantly: how can I get it to stop. I don't want my relationship to end.

TLDR version:

After a rough period in my relationship, I keep thinking about a girl that I find inferior to my girlfriend in every way. How do let this not become a problem for our relationship?

So what is the purpose of this thread? Well, it would be really great if other people here had similar or relatable experiences that they would want to share

 

[Lord Mountbatten Reborn]

In my opinion, if she can't last after three days away from you that's pretty bad. She shouldn't be getting drunk on school trips either, so I'm not excusing that.

And I'd try to avoid that other person if it really bothers you. Most useful thing to do.

 

[Outright Villainy]

Well it almost certainly stems from the cheating part. The other girl is there for you, and hasn't hurt you, which could be something you feel you need. However, if you have forgiven your girlfriend (and it sounds like you have) then try and put it from your mind. Maybe spend more time hanging out with your girlfriend, and less with the other girl.
Also, what's important is not to be afraid of the feelings, because in the end you can choose not to act upon them, and that's what ultimately matters. They're most likely a reactionary thing, and it's nothing to be ashamed about.

 

[phoenix_tetsu]

hm... I guess is what Woody Allen meditated about in Anything Else. Sometimesw we feel attracted (and end up fucking everything up...) for persons who wouldn't pass a closer look with the lights on or something.

 

[Locko96]

There's no easy way to make the thoughts stop other than just to stop. If you really do love and forgive your girlfriend, you should be able to do it. However, I'm not totally down with her getting drunk on school trips and getting in someone else's pants. But, its your choice so I can't make you do anything.

 

[Sebass]

Thanks for the replies guys.

I guess the answer is fairly simple: Avoid the other girl. But I feel like a fat person with a twinky .. You don't want to eat it but it feels so good.

 

[dmase]

Getting drunk isn't and excuse break up with that girl. If she is willing to be iffy about your relationship over a time period where you are studying and can't be with her the whole time then it probably won't last. To add to that she cheated on you and getting drunk is never excuse unless the guy forced himself on her. She could have chose not to drink or not drink as much thats a conscious decision and people should always understand that before they drink, i'm only 18 and I get that.

Make it clear to this other girl that you aren't that interested in her but still hang out more maybe you will become more attracted maybe you can have a short fling to get over the other girl that both you can agree would be good for you and possibly her.(fling doesn't necessarily mean screwing like you two where the only two in the world to know about it.)

 

[Tehlanna TPX]

Sounds like :

Your girlfriend has no sense of what it means to be strong in a relationship, and no real idea about loyalty. She was drunk; so what? She obviously knew it was wrong or she wouldn't have told the guy no so many times to begin with. And the shit about her 'falling for' that guy when you had exams? Like I said, sounds like she has little to no staying power and might even be a bit too needy for a serious relationship.

You acting that way with your friend is understandable. You were hurt by your gf being a stupid chick, and are subconsciously trying to get back at her. If you don't like your friend in that way, take control of yourself and knock off the flirting. It's that simple. Take some self control and step away from the situation. Maybe you need to just not see that friend for awhile.

Mostly, it sounds like you and your gf need to sit down and discuss wtf is going on in your relationship. It certainly doesn't sound very stable.

 

[Matt_LRR]

Being drunk doesn't make you do things you wouldn't do. It just makes it easier to do things you want to do but don't.

-m

 

[JEBWrench]

Being drunk doesn't make you do things would wouldn't do. It just makes it easier to do things you want to do but don't.

-m

Matt continues to be the truth speaker.

Drunkenness helps remove inhibitions. Inhibitions being precisely what Matt described - what you want to do but don't.

 

[Sebass]

About my girlfriend:

She's made mistakes, and I won't dump her yet. She might not be 100% emotionaly stable but that is, to me, not a reason to end the relationship. I love her, she loves me and I feel more comfortable with her than with my own mother. I know how sorry she is and I'm forgiving, everybody deserves at least 1 more chance. Though, I also honestly told her if anything like this happened again it would be the last time, my forgiveness is not Jesus-like

Being drunk doesn't make you do things you wouldn't do. It just makes it easier to do things you want to do but don't.

-m

I've been drunk enough times to know that if you're drunk enough, it not just lowers inhibitions but also makes you stupid and manipulable. I once kissed a girl while I was drunk and single who I found repulsive and actually kind of hated, but I did it just because some dick encouraged me, so I can forgive her for that. There are alot of people who think being drunk is not an excuse, but I disagree. That being said, if it happened again I will end it though.

 

[BonsaiK]

I'm having some trouble with my relationship. I can't really talk to my friends about this so I decided to post a thread on the escapist, that's always a good idea. I have a long background clarification and a short question, but I'll spoiler the long part and give a TLDR for all you you lazy fucks out there.

Spoiler

Let me clarify the background first.

I've been together with my girlfriend for over 2 years. We've had our ups and downs, like any other couple, but lately it seems to be more down than ever. A few months ago she had feelings for someone else. That lasted a few weeks, but in the end she chose me. The reason for this was that at that time, I was in the middle of my exams so I did not really have time for her. This wouldn't be that big of a deal, but she was going through a fase where she'd lost most of her friends and that other guy was there for her when I was not so it's understandable that she would get closer to that person.

After my exams were over and I started acting like a boyfriend again, she very quickly lost her interest in him and all was well again, so I can accredit her behaviour to loneliness and finding solace when she was going through a hard time, not because she liked him more than me and that comforted me.

Fastforward a few months and she's leaving on a 6-day schooltrip to Barcelona. Now, because she's abroad we can't really be in contact alot, but we send eachother a few textmessages each day. Now on the 3rd day, I get a message where she said she got drunk and did something she regretted, yadayadayada, long story short: she got really hammered (she's only been drunk once in her life before and that was just a little tipsy) and let a guy, after a few times of saying no, put his hand down her pants while she puts her hand in his.

That didn't last long and she pushed him away, but it still happened and it hurt. Now I was pretty shocked because that's not like her, but because she confessed, because she was drunk and because I love her, I told her I forgave her.

Now, it sort of hurt that she cheated on me, even though she was too drunk to really blame her for it so I talked about it with a female friend of mine that I was already sort of close with. Now for some reason, I just can't stop thinking about and flirting with this other girl anymore even though I find her inferior in every way and I don't have any emotional attachment to her, no romantic feelings whatsoever. She's less attractive, less fun, less interesting and basically I find that my girlfriend is better in everything that's positive about her. I would not date this girl unless it was just to get laid and seeing that she's not that type of girl, I just wouldn't date her.

I love my girlfriend and I wouldn't want another one, so why can I not get her out of my mind? Why can I not stop telling her how good I think she looks? And more importantly: how can I get it to stop. I don't want my relationship to end.

TLDR version:

After a rough period in my relationship, I keep thinking about a girl that I find inferior to my girlfriend in every way. How do let this not become a problem for our relationship?

So what is the purpose of this thread? Well, it would be really great if other people here had similar or relatable experiences that they would want to share

This question has been answered in the Relationship Problem thread, at the following link: ---> http://www.escapistmagazine.com/forums/read/18.117161-Relationship-problem-thread?page=31#5797760

 

[Riobux]

Like when your girlfriend went through the patch that she loved another guy, you're just longing for some companionship and plus, she gave a guy a hand-job so you're just rationalising it that maybe you should have a fling yourself. Just wait it out and you'll be fine. Promise.

 

[xDarc]

Thanks for the replies guys.

I guess the answer is fairly simple: Avoid the other girl. But I feel like a fat person with a twinky .. You don't want to eat it but it feels so good.

What? The answer is break up with your gf. What good can possibly come for a relationship where she can't even keep her hand out of another guy's pants for 6 days?

What about when life really starts getting hard?

There's bills to pay. You're working a lot. She's fucking her boss or her colleague.

Someone has to make sacrifices to for a child. You'll both just wind up hating each other for the perception of everything missed. You'll wonder about this inferior girl, about others, while you stay with lil mrs. handsy because it's familiar.

Learn from it and move on.

 

[Cornish]

Now, it sort of hurt that she cheated on me, even though she was too drunk to really blame her for it so I talked about it with a female friend of mine that I was already sort of close with. Now for some reason, I just can't stop thinking about and flirting with this other girl anymore even though I find her inferior in every way and I don't have any emotional attachment to her, no romantic feelings whatsoever. She's less attractive, less fun, less interesting and basically I find that my girlfriend is better in everything that's positive about her. I would not date this girl unless it was just to get laid and seeing that she's not that type of girl, I just wouldn't date her.

Kind of contradicting, your body and mind already decided that if the chance arises you'd be interested in dating her at the very least. Somewhere in your mind though you're trying to forcefully think that's ridiculous. It's not.

Your girlfriend might be better at nine out of ten things, but perhaps this girl has that one thing that means ten times more than those nine things combined. Or perhaps your girlfriend isn't any better at any thing, as I doubt your opinion isn't biased.

Or it's just getting attached to the person you can actually vent your feelings at.

Though, it's up to you what you do with your interest and potential feelings, either way... I'd call any person a fool for turning once back to a friend that's actually there for you to listen to you when you need it. And it sounds like she is.

 

[Amethyst Wind]

You're fixing on this new girl in the same way that your girlfriend fixed on that other guy a while back.

You were doing exams and not being a boyfriend, she found someone else to find solace in.

She let you down and is distanced from you, you find someone else to find solace in.

You're just like your girlfriend but with the roles (and parts) switched around.

 

[mxfox408]

I personally have a zero tolerance for cheaters and when under the infkuence of alchohol in most cases enhances feelings that are already there. Im sure you dont want to waste the time you invested into your current relationship but if she is going to be selfish to a point were she cant give you your time to better your future then its clear that she wont be able to handle it in the long haul. Ive been in the same boat my friend and if i could choose between the red pill(the other girl)or the blue pill(the current girl) id choose the red sir. But ultimatly you have to choose and i just hope you make a decision that will be your diamond to cherish.

 

[thylasos]

I've no problem with people leaving me, so long as they're honest, and faithful, so long as the relationship lasts. If someone I care for deeply leaves me, feeling they can be happier with someone else, it hurts me. But I can come to terms with it.

It'll hurt me a lot less at least, than if I discover that they've deemed me insufficient, betrayed me, after the fact. That's one of the most painful things I've ever been through.

 

[Sebass]

@ Riobux & Amethyst Wind

That's possible but I kind of doubt it is the main reason.

@ Cornish

I won't turn my back, just be a little more 'distant'. Also, I didn't contradict myself: it's more of an 'I wanna bang her' feeling.

@ xDarc

While you sort of makes valid point, there's little nuances in the way she acts that I can't really see her that way .. I know it sounds like she's kind of a slut but she's not. Though I can't blame you for thinking I'm in denial because she's my girlfriend

@ BonsaiK

(also replied in the other thread-

Yes what you say is true, but she's taken resposibility by telling me about the incident herself and she's very guilt-ridden about it. She does not think the being drunk excuses her, but I think it does take away alot of the responsibility (not all of it ofcourse).

Evening the score might be part of it, but I don't think it's the main reason. I would want to do something with this girl but I hold back because I know it will damage the relationship even more. Even though my girlfriend said she would understand if I 'got back' at her, but I'm not that vengefull, if I did something with her it would be because of my libido.

 

[BlindMessiah94]

snip

There is no such thing as being too drunk to be blamed for your mistakes.
Being drunk only makes things easier to do, it doesn't make you do things you would never do in the first place.

Sounds like she is just looking for an excuse to cheat on you. I wouldn't trust her if I was you and I'd end it. You can do a lot better than someone who can't survive three days without cheating.