So I finally saw this piece of shit movie, and yes it is just as bad as we all predicted. It's a Resident Evil movie in name only, and somehow manages to be less like Resident Evil than the Mila Jovovich movies which were at least....well they were something too.
Before I say anything bad let me offer one bit of praise to the film because it at least deserves that much. The monsters are fucking great looking, and are absolutely spot on for the most part.
Everything else is a bag of donkey dicks.
FROM THIS POINT ON ARE SPOILERS, I'd hide the words but nobody needs to see this garbage so just skip it if you really don't want to be spoiled.
The movie opens with Clare and Chris Redfield as kids living in an orphange run by Umbrella. From the first 10 seconds of the film they've already established that they don't give a fuck about the game's actual lore. Clare wakes up in the middle of the night to see a monster girl spying on her. Chris tells her to go back to bed before they get in trouble, and she does. But the very next scene is Clare sneaking out of their bedroom to wander around. Claire finds a tent in a nearby class room where she sees a shape playing with a flashlight and moving around inside. When the creature notices her, it turns off the light quickly to hide the the darkness. Clare is a brave little either year old though and crawls right up to the tent entrance and starts to talk to monster girl who can basically answer in gurgles and drawings. Clare learns the girl's name and who do you think it is? Sherry Berkin? One of the AShford kids? No it's completely original character, because fuck you RE fans.
Before the exchange can go anywhere further, the monster girl hints that she lives under the orphange, Clare is jerked away by Dr. Berkin himself and taken back to bed.
Fast forward twenty years or whatever they don't really say. Clare is a grown up heading to Raccoon City to look for her brother Chris. Do you think she is riding on her bike? Naw, she has hitchhiked and is riding with that Truck driver who originally gets bitten by the zombie in the opening to RE2, but it's fine because he is still grubbing on a shitty cheeseburger while being overly sexual with Claire. He also has a doberman dog in the truck with him. While trying to grope Clare, they hit the zombie lady in the middle of the road. Clare and the guy get out and freak out about calling the cops and whatever. They start to argue and the dog begins to bark at them, because of course the zombie lady gets up.
The guy gets mad at the dog and opens the door to yell at the dog, who jumps out of the truck and runs to where the zombie was lying in the street, except....;ohhhh it's gone! But the dog starts to lick up the zombie's dog from the ground, so the foreshadowing is intense.
Everytime this movie tries to do something like the games, every single attempt do recreate a scene from the game it does something to completely fuck it up. It HAS to do something different, or change it just a little bit to make it different from the game itself. I'm not sure if the writter is just trying to recreate their own RE fan fiction OR if there was some contract by Capcom that said they couldn't copy the game exactly.
Meanwhile, S.T.A.R.S. are a bunch of young punks chilling out at some dinner talking shit and making fun of a street cop who's passed out at the bar nearby. Two more street cops come in and the sleeping cop wakes up as they all begin to make fun of him. This turns out to be Leon Kennedy, rookie and perpetual idiot. The two uniforms say they are heading to the Spencer mansion to check out a disturbance, oh joy.
The STARS leave, and Leon has some words with the waitress where her eye starts to bleed. How strange.
Clare gets dropped off by the trucker and heads off towards Chris' house. The trucker looks at his dog which is now foaming at the mouth and whining, the trucker asks him if he's sick and hugs the dog and the dog bites him. We never see him again.
The movie is very clear to tell you what time it is, as Clare starts knocking on her brother's front door. It's 11:59pm, it matters probably, maybe. Nobody answers but Clare sees a crrepy little boy staring at her from a window next door. The boy is pale, and his hair is falling out, she waves at him and he waves back. Suddenly the mom, also sickly and balding appears and jerks the curtains shut. Clare breaks into Chris's house and he ends up being home and not happy about seeing her.
Honestly everytime this movie does anything i found myself face palming in the theater because it didn't have to be like this. Clare talks about Umbrella being shit and shows Chris a tape of a guy talking about Umbrella poisoning the water, but now there has been a huge leak that can't be contained or hidden.
It's just nonsense.
So the film splits between STARS team chasing after Bravo team, who were apparently the two uniformed officers from the dinner, at the Spencer mansion and we have our RE1 point rolling. Leon stays behind at the police station and we have our RE2 set up.
The rest of the movie bumbles through both games at a fast forward pace. Every monster is instantly dealt with, no problems, no ammo struggles, nothing. Even the bigger monsters like Berkin and the Licker.
I now know why the previews looked so cheap. The costumes all look like shit, the sets are bad and generic, and I think the poor quality of bad acting and no-name actors are all a result of how good the monsters look. Berkin looks really legit and i was impressed by it to be honest. But I think making the monsters so great, ate up all the budget and everything else had to suck doggy dick.
They treated every character with disrespect, Leon is a fucking moron the whole movie just absolutely the stupidest person, Clare is a badass for no reason, and the STARS members are all completely bumbling baffoons. Nobody is as they should be, though Wesker does betray the group because of an unknown source of money. There are some clever references to the games that were nice if you caught them, but the overall movie was just a mess.
