Bought it this morning. Played it all day. Turned it off about halfway through.
Lame. As. Fuck.
Ready for a ***** session? Strap yourself in and keep the Whaaambulance on speed dial.
I can already pretty much guess what Croshaw is going to say about DNF. Thats because I rekon we will be of exactly the same opinion.
Now to be fair, this is a game that has had a RIDICULOUS amount of build up. 12 years of ups and downs, if's and maybe's, but is now finally on the market, and no piece of media can ever really live up to expectations like that.
I was suckered into buying the Balls of Steel edition by the cool advertising campaign, and the fact that entities like Fox News were naturally going to use its lewdness as a poster child for their latest "ZOMFG games rot our children's minds" campaign. It was going to cause alot of hate amongst people like that so naturally I wanted this naughty little gem as part of my collection.
But boy oh boy was I let down by the disc I had put into my PS3.
It was no secret that the games graphics were not going to be anything special, and that is something I am totally willing to forgive, provided it instead sells itself on its creativity and attitude. I was actually glad when I saw the graphics were sub par, because that to me meant they would be instead focusing on building a really silly, fun, creative experience that would be a refreshing change from all the samey shooters we have been fragging through in recent years.
But no. No creativity here. After a few cute opening jokes and smearing shit on the bathroom walls like a mentally handicapped gorilla, the game devolves into what is quite literally the most piss-drab, deathly boring experience I have ever had the displeasure to play.
Find some batteries and put them in the generator! Woooo!
Climb some scenery and hit the switch to open the door. Yaaaay!
Walk down this corridor and shoot the red barrel to explode the enemies. Woah hardcore!
Wait and hide for your health bar to recover. Amazing!
Sit on a turret and plug away endlessly at a big flying thing until it fall down. Kick-ass! (I actually did this part on hard, with one hand, only half paying attention to the screen).
This game was supposed to be selling itself on the notion that it was going to be a rocket up the bumhole to every FPS that came before it, and it ends up more painfully clichéd than any I can think of. I wanted to turn it off after the first fifteen minutes.
Early on in the game you get shrunk down and buzz around through a casino in a little remote control car. Sounds like fun, but then you realize that everything in the casino is cluttered, looks the fucking same, and you have absolutely ZERO idea as to where to go next. pretty soon you are stuck in some kind of audio-visual nightmare of the same stupid sounds and the same stupid roadblocks, going out of your mind from the crappy vehicle handling and rubbish collision detection. Hell, even when you finally DO make it out into another hallway, you have to avoid big fat enemies that totally block your path. Not because they are trying to, but because your only attack is to ram into their shins, making them hop around and forcing you to back the car up and try to go around, by which time they have recovered and are attacking again. And they clog the fucking hallways by doing this and its really really fucking annoying.
There are a few cute concepts and interesting notions to be had. The health bar being an Ego meter and increasing it by being a macho asshole is funny, and I also like how everyone involved (including the character himself) are so self aware about the games checkered history. But there is just simply not enough of that attitude and not enough funny opportunities to save the game from the crushing oppression of it's cliched boring mechanics, brown/grey generic level design, terrible visuals and insultingly long load times.
The game took something like twenty fucking minutes to install and it still loads for about 40 seconds after EVERY SINGLE death and EVERY SINGLE menu selection and EVERY SINGLE checkpoint.
I've heard a defense for the game stating that the visuals are not the most important thing, and that the real hook is "The Duke Experience" which I assume must be the lewd, silly fun. Well what kind of excuse is that? Visuals may not always be the most important thing in a game but if you want a game to be insane and over the top and creative and ridiculous, what better way to make that all happen than with visuals that dont look like they have been thrown up by a zombified cat?
To call this game pug-fucking ugly would be charitable. But I would not have minded so much if it had bothered to make the whole silly attitude of Dukes universe more prevalent, and just...well...fun. The character models look like half melted wax sculptures, the environments come in two colors. Brown and Grey and the weapons look and sound like broken knockoffs from a run down Toy 'R Us.
Even the blood splatter is unsatisfying and boring. Punching a generic alien goons head off is met with a generic squelch accompanied by an almost insta-vanishing puff of generic blood as it's generic body flops against the generic scenery.
Duke Nukem Forever. Is just. So. Fucking. Generic.
Typing this I have the game sitting on my desk right next to me, re-packaged and ready to be returned to my local EB Games. Extreme disappointment.
It seriously belongs on the shelves of about ten years ago. At that time, it would have been impressive and amazing. By todays standards, it's unforgivably boring.
I dont even care about Dukes chauvinism or disgusting behavior, those little distractions are actually the only parts of the game that feel fun. The rest of it is just shooting generic enemies who line up one after the other, then expending all your accumulated ammo on a boss. Rinse Repeat.
And did I mention that your max weapon capacity is a measly ass two? Two?! Two weapons at any given time? Suck my ass. I dont care if that is somehow keeping in style with the older Nukem games, Resistance 1 is now considered old as the hills and it gave you more weapons than a kleptomaniac doomsday scientist.
My recommendation is save your money. I know my opinion doesn't really mean jack to anyone who will be having fun with Duke, and if you ARE having fun then good for you, your doing better than I did.
NOTE: I am positive that there are plenty of points I have left out here, and plenty of bases I have not covered, but I really didn't want to spend any longer talking about it. I just wanted to get my frustration and disappointment out, then go back and play some God of War 3 or Bioshock or something.
Lame. As. Fuck.
Ready for a ***** session? Strap yourself in and keep the Whaaambulance on speed dial.
I can already pretty much guess what Croshaw is going to say about DNF. Thats because I rekon we will be of exactly the same opinion.
Now to be fair, this is a game that has had a RIDICULOUS amount of build up. 12 years of ups and downs, if's and maybe's, but is now finally on the market, and no piece of media can ever really live up to expectations like that.
I was suckered into buying the Balls of Steel edition by the cool advertising campaign, and the fact that entities like Fox News were naturally going to use its lewdness as a poster child for their latest "ZOMFG games rot our children's minds" campaign. It was going to cause alot of hate amongst people like that so naturally I wanted this naughty little gem as part of my collection.
But boy oh boy was I let down by the disc I had put into my PS3.
It was no secret that the games graphics were not going to be anything special, and that is something I am totally willing to forgive, provided it instead sells itself on its creativity and attitude. I was actually glad when I saw the graphics were sub par, because that to me meant they would be instead focusing on building a really silly, fun, creative experience that would be a refreshing change from all the samey shooters we have been fragging through in recent years.
But no. No creativity here. After a few cute opening jokes and smearing shit on the bathroom walls like a mentally handicapped gorilla, the game devolves into what is quite literally the most piss-drab, deathly boring experience I have ever had the displeasure to play.
Find some batteries and put them in the generator! Woooo!
Climb some scenery and hit the switch to open the door. Yaaaay!
Walk down this corridor and shoot the red barrel to explode the enemies. Woah hardcore!
Wait and hide for your health bar to recover. Amazing!
Sit on a turret and plug away endlessly at a big flying thing until it fall down. Kick-ass! (I actually did this part on hard, with one hand, only half paying attention to the screen).
This game was supposed to be selling itself on the notion that it was going to be a rocket up the bumhole to every FPS that came before it, and it ends up more painfully clichéd than any I can think of. I wanted to turn it off after the first fifteen minutes.
Early on in the game you get shrunk down and buzz around through a casino in a little remote control car. Sounds like fun, but then you realize that everything in the casino is cluttered, looks the fucking same, and you have absolutely ZERO idea as to where to go next. pretty soon you are stuck in some kind of audio-visual nightmare of the same stupid sounds and the same stupid roadblocks, going out of your mind from the crappy vehicle handling and rubbish collision detection. Hell, even when you finally DO make it out into another hallway, you have to avoid big fat enemies that totally block your path. Not because they are trying to, but because your only attack is to ram into their shins, making them hop around and forcing you to back the car up and try to go around, by which time they have recovered and are attacking again. And they clog the fucking hallways by doing this and its really really fucking annoying.
There are a few cute concepts and interesting notions to be had. The health bar being an Ego meter and increasing it by being a macho asshole is funny, and I also like how everyone involved (including the character himself) are so self aware about the games checkered history. But there is just simply not enough of that attitude and not enough funny opportunities to save the game from the crushing oppression of it's cliched boring mechanics, brown/grey generic level design, terrible visuals and insultingly long load times.
The game took something like twenty fucking minutes to install and it still loads for about 40 seconds after EVERY SINGLE death and EVERY SINGLE menu selection and EVERY SINGLE checkpoint.
I've heard a defense for the game stating that the visuals are not the most important thing, and that the real hook is "The Duke Experience" which I assume must be the lewd, silly fun. Well what kind of excuse is that? Visuals may not always be the most important thing in a game but if you want a game to be insane and over the top and creative and ridiculous, what better way to make that all happen than with visuals that dont look like they have been thrown up by a zombified cat?
To call this game pug-fucking ugly would be charitable. But I would not have minded so much if it had bothered to make the whole silly attitude of Dukes universe more prevalent, and just...well...fun. The character models look like half melted wax sculptures, the environments come in two colors. Brown and Grey and the weapons look and sound like broken knockoffs from a run down Toy 'R Us.
Even the blood splatter is unsatisfying and boring. Punching a generic alien goons head off is met with a generic squelch accompanied by an almost insta-vanishing puff of generic blood as it's generic body flops against the generic scenery.
Duke Nukem Forever. Is just. So. Fucking. Generic.
Typing this I have the game sitting on my desk right next to me, re-packaged and ready to be returned to my local EB Games. Extreme disappointment.
It seriously belongs on the shelves of about ten years ago. At that time, it would have been impressive and amazing. By todays standards, it's unforgivably boring.
I dont even care about Dukes chauvinism or disgusting behavior, those little distractions are actually the only parts of the game that feel fun. The rest of it is just shooting generic enemies who line up one after the other, then expending all your accumulated ammo on a boss. Rinse Repeat.
And did I mention that your max weapon capacity is a measly ass two? Two?! Two weapons at any given time? Suck my ass. I dont care if that is somehow keeping in style with the older Nukem games, Resistance 1 is now considered old as the hills and it gave you more weapons than a kleptomaniac doomsday scientist.
My recommendation is save your money. I know my opinion doesn't really mean jack to anyone who will be having fun with Duke, and if you ARE having fun then good for you, your doing better than I did.
NOTE: I am positive that there are plenty of points I have left out here, and plenty of bases I have not covered, but I really didn't want to spend any longer talking about it. I just wanted to get my frustration and disappointment out, then go back and play some God of War 3 or Bioshock or something.
R "It is not the same Duke, sub par, and waste of time/money" 
