Ruin-A-Wish Foundation.

[Holy_Handgrenade]

Granted, you couldn't prestige because you don't have hands.

I wish to be a international playboy.

 

[Cash84]

Granted, but he requires "relief" every 6 minutes.

I wish I knew who stole my SNES.

 

[Robert632]

Granted. the guy/girl who stole your SNES told you they stole it...right before they kill you so you don't report whoever it is to the police.

i wish the world worked like a Mortal Combat stage.

 

[Isaac The Grape]

Granted: you get your skull smashed in by a bum you bump into.

I wish for the ownership of a TARDIS.

 

[Trivun]

Granted, but there's a time lock on it so you can only travel between now and the end of the universe.

I wish I was Battler Ushiromiya... ;D.

 

[Isaac The Grape]

Granted, but he emerges from another universe and kills you for taking his place in life.

I wish for a PS3.

 

[havass]

Granted. You have a broken PS3.

I wish for a hidden blade.

 

[Steppin Razor]

Granted. You have a blade hidden in your ass. Fully sharpened and without a sheath, too.

I wish to be the best there ever was.

 

[Snowden's Secret]

Granted, but the mechanism is defected so that the blade will spring backwards into your own arm every time you use it. Roar, ninja.
Granted, but no one will ever remember your achievment.

I wish I could play the piano.

 

[Steppin Razor]

Granted, but you're so bad at playing piano that the entirety of your family and friends kill themselves rather than listening to you play.

I wish I had mad skillz.

 

[Steppin Razor]

Granted. She's no longer in a coma, but full-on dead. YOU'RE SUCH A MONSTER!

I wish the voices would go away.

 

[scorptatious]

Granted, but you lose your arms so you have to eat with your mouth.

I wish I didn't have to wake up so early to go to school.

 

[Isaac The Grape]

Granted: you die in your sleep.

I wish I had a car.

 

[scorptatious]

Granted, but it's broken beyond repair.

I wish I would stop changing avatars.

 

[2012 Wont Happen]

Granted, but the avatar you have to stick with is obscene and results in you getting banned.

I wish I had a dog with a saddle.

 

[AwesomeExpress]

Granted, but it's much smaller that you hoped for, and you'd crush it if you sat on it.

I wish for a mail-less world.

 

[scorptatious]

Granted, but you are trapped in a small cube with only a computer to call for help. But now that there is no mail system, you cannot send email. So you are trapped forever.

I wish there was an announcement for the Playstation 4.

 

[AwesomeExpress]

Granted, but you're in a comma.

I wish for a dragon to guard my treasure.

 

[SkyeNeko]

Granted, but your dragon lives on a diet of gold and diamonds.

I wish my give a damn was broken.

 

[AwesomeExpress]

Granted, but now you give a crap instead.

I wish I had a sweet lava lamp.