Ruin-A-Wish Foundation.

[RaphaelsRedemption]

Granted. It splits you longitudinally in half.

I wish for more drugs.

 

[SkyeNeko]

Granted, she is instead a god-figure worshiped in all corners of the world.

I wish my cat actually cared about me ;(

 

[Link_to_Future]

Granted. Pancakes.

I wish for lots of drugs!

 

[SkyeNeko]

Granted, but you will never be able to read it because your computer will explode whenever you access this page. DANGIT LINK

I CURSE YOUR PANCAKES SO THAT THEY HAVE RAINSINS IN THEM THAT EXPLODE ON CONTACT!

I wish there was bacon in the oven...

 

[Link_to_Future]

Granted. It isn't as delicious as it would have been fried though.

I wish for a pet crab.

 

[SkyeNeko]

granted, but your mom cooks it for dinner every night and forces you to eat all of it and tells you to stop being picky about your food.

EDIT: kinda still stands...

i wish days were 5 hours longer...

 

[Link_to_Future]

Granted. It's made of plastic.

I wish for a plastic knife.

 

[Link_to_Future]

Granted. It's soggy and pretty useless. Also it smells.

I wish for a broken toilet.

 

[Link_to_Future]

Granted. However, you have to listen to her jazz stylings throughout the world for the rest of eternity.

I wish for a greater mastery of double meanings.

 

[Link_to_Future]

Granted. It is fresh squeezed from the juiciest oranges that grow on the trees in the middle ring of the seventh circle of hell. Yummy!

I wish I could grow a mustache.

 

[Voodoomancer]

Granted, but it's infested with microsmurfs.
I wish for Omnipotence.

 

[Link_to_Future]

Granted. However, omnipotence is highly overrated. Knowing everything that has or ever will happen is exceedingly boring. You dive out of a plane without a parachute to satisfy your extreme boredom.

I wish for my own personal troll.

 

[Voodoomancer]

Granted, but the genie falls asleep halfway through and only gives you "tru"

I wish for a wish.

 

[Link_to_Future]

Granted. You get a fencepost through your leg. Extremely painful, but not fatal.

I wish for my own personal troll. You know, the ones with the neon hair that fit on my keychain.

 

[Voodoomancer]

Granted, but it contains a top secret microfilm, causing the CIA to constantly chase you.

I wish for more time in the day.

 

[Link_to_Future]

Granted. The day never ends. It's hard to sleep when night never rolls around.

I wish I was mortal.

 

[Voodoomancer]

Granted. They eat you alive *reference*

I wish for some proper paint brushes.

 

[Link_to_Future]

Granted. However, there is no more paint. Anywhere.

I wish I could draw.

 

[Voodoomancer]

Granted. You can only draw pen15 images in bathroom stalls You get powers of precognition?

I wish for gold.

 

[Link_to_Future]

Granted. You get a gold crayon.

I wish I could spontaneously combust.