Save the Whips and Chains Until the Second Date

mlooshka

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Nov 19, 2009
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For the person looking for their damsel in distress:

First, I want you to watch this:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oFAozYmmjWs

Now answer honestly - is this you? I assume its not, but if it is, we've found your problem. If its not, let it stand as a reminder that you're doing better than a lot people ;)

That said - sexuality is an important part of who we are. If this is an important part of you, then I recommend you explore it more. Have you explored your local scene? Are you involved in the scene online? Fetlife is a really good social networking site for SM - ie it has active groups and good discussion rather than just being a meat market. Sign up (its free, and no, I'm not employed by them), see if you can find people in your area/with your interests. There are also plenty of groups there for people new to SM where more experienced folks answer questions. If there is a local scene where you are, try going to some munches. Meeting other kinky folks will help you grow and understand yourself better, maybe introduce you to stuff you didn't even know you liked - and who knows, you might meet someone with compatible levels of kink there. If nothing else, it is good for your self-esteem to hang out with people that don't have that knee-jerk "omg woman hater" reaction.

Kink brings an extra level of complexity to the already complex task of relationships - but remember that relationships are work and NOTHING in them is going to be perfect at first. Compatibility, sexual or otherwise, requires communication and compromise. You and your partner will each some with kinks and quirks that are new to the other one, maybe they'll be deal breakers, maybe they won't. If something's a dealbreaker, it will always be one - but there are plenty of things that a person might not be into simply because they haven't been exposed to them. I thought I hated martinis, but I was proven wrong by a night spent hanging out with my fabulous husband, enjoying his company and patiently tasting all the samples he made for me. I wouldn't have done that if I didn't enjoy his company so much. Exploring new things is fun if you enjoy spending time with the other person - and as Lara pointed out, that goes both ways.

You will have to walk a fine line with any seemingly "vanilla" girl, and the right time to have the conversation will depend on your situation. But light bondage is becoming much more accepted by society, so you've got a certain amount of leeway. There are plenty of love scenes in reasonably popular movies that contain a bit of blindfolding or tying up - try watching one with her and judging her reaction. If its "omg gross" well then, guess you've got your answer - but if its neutral or even positive, then there's an opening. Bondage iconography shows up all around us, keep your eyes open. Find ways to introduce the topic slowly in a low-pressure way, and gauge how to progress from there.

Good luck :)
 

Owyn_Merrilin

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May 22, 2010
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Caffiene said:
In regards to #3: Generally good advice, but I think theres one caveat.

Make sure youve told them that you dont like their behaviour, first.

There are quite a few people out there who "dont want to hurt peoples feelings", but use that excuse as a cover to not even bring up the issue at all with the person. If somebody is doing something you dont like then you tell them, clearly and plainly, "I dont like that behaviour. You need to stop."

If it continues, then you cut them out of your life.

Unfortunately it is more common than youd think for people to stress over an issue and wonder why it wont stop, without actually having taken any steps to bring it to anybody's attention. You have to summon up the courage to talk about the issue, regardless of shyness or wanting to not hurt peoples feelings.
This, so much this. "Nice guys" are as much the victims of the situation as they are a part of the problem. It's not their fault that they're bad at reading subtle signals -- and frankly, I think pretty much all men are to a certain extent. When a girl turns a date down with something like "I'm not looking for a boyfriend right now," the guy hears the "right now" part, and thinks "oh, so if I wait long enough, I have a chance." He's wrong, but that doesn't mean she's not leading him on, intentionally or not. When it comes to dating, a little bit of openness goes a long way, and that applies doubly when you're trying to let someone know you aren't interested.
 

ReinWeisserRitter

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Nov 15, 2011
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The whips and chains tend to be part of the courting process, in my case.

And they're always proposed by the other person. I just happen to be extraordinarily flexible and open-minded.

Yes, I know this is barely related to the overall message.
 

bojac6

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Oct 15, 2009
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Fearzone said:
Disagree. She's either into S&M or she isn't. If she is, it is easy to find out during the first romantic encounter, and if she isn't, then no amount of dates are going to change that. If such is an important part of your love life, you'll either have to find the right person, or be comfortable with cheating.
Or she's never tried it and doesn't know what it's about. Or she is interested, but a bit scared or shamed out of it. Or she is really into it, but thinks it's a bad idea to let a total stranger handcuff you to a bed and gag you, which is why a smart person doesn't push for that sort of thing until after they know each other.

This isn't a dichotomy, it's a sliding scale. There are plenty of reasons a person may think it's a really bad idea on the first date. Even somebody who is really into that sort of thing isn't going to want to do it with somebody they don't trust or care about.
 

bojac6

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Oct 15, 2009
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Whoops, sorry about the double post. I blame the new forum agreement popping up when I posted this.
 

MaxwellEdison

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Sep 30, 2010
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Fearzone said:
MaxwellEdison said:
First letter thinks they have it tough, try being a male *sub*.
I think there are more doms out there, so being a sub should be easier. I don't think there are any subs without some dom tendencies, but there are plenty of doms that don't like being subs.
Well, that doesn't explain the difficulty of finding dominant women in my life :p
 

Eric the Orange

Gone Gonzo
Apr 29, 2008
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Numbers 2 and 3 have some thing in common I would like to address. If your not interested in someone who is interested in you fucking tell them. That passive aggressive ignoring thing is much more cruel than a polite but firm refusal. It's better for them and it's better for you. You can't just assume they'll "take the point".

Sorry for going off the handle like that, but that kind of thing just pisses me off.
 

DracoSuave

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Jan 26, 2009
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MaxwellEdison said:
DracoSuave said:
Actually, I can give some advice to you, Maxwell.

You want to do some research on the internet on 'munches' in your area. A munch is a place where kinky people gather, have some drinks, talk, enjoy some food... but don't engage in any sort of play. It's kinda a meet and greet without the pressure of whips and chains.

For someone looking for others in the lifestyle, it's a great place to meet and network. Just be yourself. Don't put on your subbie pants and beg to be abused (it's a munch, that's defeating the purpose of a munch), but let people know who you are, and start engaging with the community.
Huh. Interesting thought. Luckily, I've got a partner who I'm very happy with atm, but that's great for all the others out there!
I don't think I could do that though. Honestly, it seems a bit...awkward, to me to have a meet up based on that sort of thing. /shrug.
That's the beauty part; it's not about meeting people, not a meat market, it's not about scoring or any of that.

It's just about people sharing a common interest having dinner or something. It's not so much about meeting someone to play with... it's about finding people who can give you practical advice.