Small talk and the art of having less than deep conversation...

[Raven's Nest]

I think we all know what small talk is...

It can either be those simple throw-away comments that we make everyday like "Hey how are you?" and "Did you see that show last night?", "Hows your dog?" blah blah blah. A lot of the time we say these things to avoid having to actually think of something interesting to say... Or it can be the same repeats of conversations about parties, gossip about ""friends"", or those mundane, inane and utterly vacous statements/behaviours that literally irritate the living piss out of you... [http://dawniepants.wordpress.com/2010/02/22/facebook-what-a-load-of-old-shit/] **I didn't write that article btw, but it's true, every god damned word!**

Unfortunately,due to the size of my ego for reasons I can't really explain, I find it incredibly dull to use small talk in daily conversation. As a result I've become, well, pretty reclusive and only really talk to people when I have something to say.

Also unfortunately, most (if not all) of the people in my college class are less than ideally inclined to review the latest ideas in quantum theory, or debate the current round of political instability in the middle east, or discuss the relationship between psychology, philosophy and sociology. Instead I am often privy to some of the more inane conversational topics as "omg I can't believe how peng Peter Andre is" or "I'm so skint man, I can't go clubbing this weekend" or "I fucking love Bruno Mars's new song"...

So erm, I don't really get the chance to "interact" with these people as much as I'd like, because frankly my dears, I don't give a damn... About Bruno Mars at any rate...

I am actually friends with these people so it's not an issue in confidence or not knowing what people are interested in. It doesn't even particularly bother me that these friends aren't exactly what I'd call "my preferred type of friend". I'd just like to become a little more involved in the group, you know?

My reserved nature isn't really restricted to college either, I'm pretty quiet around most people but the problem is, most of these people aren't really into the same things as me, no games, no anime, no obscure music tastes, nothing really. That's nobodies fault, I have some excellent friends of my own to discuss these things to my hearts content. Oh and there's you lot I suppose...

I'm introverted by nature so it's not exactly appealing to go out and seek to be friends with everyone I meet but it'd be nice to actually become closer with the people I spend so much time with.

So my question escapee's, is this...

"How does one best engage people in semi-meaningful conversation?"

or, "How do I encourage people to talk about interesting things instead of lame things?"

Yes I should probably start by becoming less pretentious and judging of people, so I'm working on that, but in the interim, some advice on how to come out of my shell around those who probably don't share my interests would be most welcome.

Oh and thought this was highly appropriate. I find myself doing this all the time...

Isoti Yamaguchi!

 

[SovietSecrets]

I find it creepy if a stranger would try to talk to me about something deep. Remember just because it isn't interesting for you doesn't mean it isn't interesting to the person you are speaking to. Works both ways. Just indulge the other person first and then try to bring up what you want to talk about without insulting the other. Some people just live off simple small talk conversations. Can't really do anything about that.

 

[chif-ii]

...Are you sure we're not identical twins split at birth? Because THIS IS ME. I cannot, for the life of me, continue a conversation for over five minutes. Another thing is, because I hate noise, go to an all-boys school, spend most of my spare time on the computer, don't watch sports, and don't listen to much music, I don't have any friends outside of school, and even those that I have in school I wouldn't think of inviting over or something.

 

[Wadders]

If the subject in question is male, I engage in semi-meaningfull conversation about football (real football, not american football) That provides a conversational gateway to other things like where the subject comes from, how old they are etc. Football is always a good starting point, as most males in the UK at least follow it. From there you can get into more meaningful stuff. I'm not sure how, but it happens.

To be fair, I dont talk about meaningful stuff most of the time anyway. Among my mates conversation is mainly taking the piss out of each other or discussing events relating to our circle of friends, and occasionally work/ studies.

For women, it's a bit harder, but I'd say that probing standard or inane kinda topics helps you find common interests and the like, which help you to get to know people better.

In short, just open your mouth and talk about shit. If they dont liek what you talk about, then so fucking be it, they're probably not your type of person anyway. There are no set rules of conversation, just talk about what interests you, and what you think might interest them, and see how it goes.

 

[Raven's Nest]

I find it creepy if a stranger would try to talk to me about something deep. Remember just because it isn't interesting for you doesn't mean it isn't interesting to the person you are speaking to. Works both ways. Just indulge the other person first and then try to bring up what you want to talk about without insulting the other. Some people just live off simple small talk conversations. Can't really do anything about that.

I'm not talking about strangers, I'm talking about people that I've know for like 6 months or maybe more. I get that some people aren't interested in "big talk" at least not in the office or cafeteria etc. And I do appreciate that sometimes those conversations just tend to spring up in much more casual settings. I'm mostly looking for ideas about how to raise the intelligence of a group conversation if you get what I mean? I'm not expecting debate team answers from these people. I think most people enjoy conversations where everyone can share their opinions which may involve a little thought before just blurting out whatever they heard last.

I know talking about movies or TV can achieve this but, It's as much about wanting other people to get know me better and vice versa. There has to be a good way to do this in small doses that doesn't involve simply forcing conversations on people?

 

[Hiraeth]

I think you run a risk of coming off as a bit of a douche if you immediately want to talk about deep subjects with people you barely know. Example: I know a guy who within a very short time of knowing someone will feel the urge to lecture them about his feelings on religion (he's a staunch atheist). From people I know that know him to, it can be really off-putting, and it makes him seem like the kind of person who just wants to make themselves look smart. I've found he's easier to put up with once you've had that talk because he'll relax and talk about other topics, but when you spend a lot of time around him and you have to hear the same conversation over and over whenever he meets someone new, it just gets insanely irritating.

I find that if you start talking about mundane topics and the conversation starts flowing well then a lot of the time you organically move on to more interesting topics anyway. Example - when I was travelling last year, I would meet people in hostels and we'd talk about where we'd travelled and where we were going. I met a girl from Spain who was going to Algeria (I think) to work with the Sahrawi people, whose plight I had never heard of before, and probably never would have known about if not for talking to her.

 

[Ham_authority95]

shoulders.

In short, just put that highhorse in the stables every now and again. Only bring it out when the occasion calls for it. You'll find life much more enjoyable if you do.

Thank you.

OT: I let "semi-meaningful" conversation come as it wants. What is "semi-meaningful" completely depends on the situation.

As long as the conversation is interesting, I don't give a shit whether it's about politics, the works of Mark Twain, a pop song, or about how my dick has been burning really badly since last week.

 

[Ham_authority95]

ion escapee's, is this...

"How does one best engage people in semi-meaningful conversation?"

or, "How do I encourage people to talk about interesting things instead of lame things?"

You can't "encourage" anyone to talk about anything they don't want to without being a dick.


Conversations flow based on how interested a person is in the subject. If people don't go with what you're saying, they aren't the people you want to talk with. Try searching for people with similar interests(which can be done by going to clubs, looking at books people are reading, etc, etc).

 

[Watchmacallit]

Well you can't force someone to talk about interesting things like psychology, philosophy and sociology (by the way, that is awesome dude. They're the three types of subjects I'm doing at uni) if they have no interest in it. Which a lot of people don't. You have a good chance of finding people that do in Universities though.




Or find the ones that do like to and cling to them, cling and never let go!!!

 

[Raven's Nest]

Snip

I appreciate what your saying and I apoligise for not being clearer in the OP but I don't shy away from all small talk. I know how to talk to people and I know what makes for appropriate conversation and what doesn't. Nor am I complaining that people generally stick to small talk. I can see it's value for people and can deal with it. I do have normal relationships and normal conversations with the people I'm surrounded with.

I'm simply looking for ways to encourage slightly more stimulating conversation out of people. Whether they be strangers or people I've known for some time. I can't help that my thoughts often dwell around big ideas and "big talk", but I'm not saying that I'd necessarily want to talk about those things either.

I guess what I struggle with is relating to people that I don't share many interests with. For example, my college buddies (aged between 16 -20 ish... I'm 23 but probably about 28 in mental terms) like to talk about gossip, getting drunk, celebrities, or other culture which I don't have an interest in. Yet these are my buddies at college and as such, I'd like to be more involved socially with them, and I know they feel the same way. Almost feels like a language barrier between us. Then there's work colleagues which are a big mix of ages and backgrounds. I tend not to start conversations at work because my mind pretty much goes blank there. If I have an intersting train of thought I might share it or join in on another conversation but it'd be nice to be at least a little more sociable than I am with them.

I don't have a problem getting off my high horse, Itd just be nice to have people join me up there once in a while.

 

[floppylobster]

or, "How do I encourage people to talk about interesting things instead of lame things?"

I had exactly the same problem and I had it for years. The way out for me was to learn the art of asking questions. The conversation will start as small talk but you can draw some remarkable statements out of people. You have to keep listening to them and trying to understand what they're actually trying to say. Don't enforce your opinion (and I'm sure you have one) on to the conversation. You almost have to imagine yourself as another person. So remove your ego.

Ask about their job. Then why they do that. Then why they think people need jobs like that in society. What they think might be a better solution. What they'd rather do with their lives. Are they going to be happy with that when they're dying? What was it in their childhood that may have brought them where they are? Do they think you have a choice in life or are they guided by larger forces. etc...

Take everything they say and find an interesting angle on it. Then pose it back to them in a question. There may be a couple of conversational dead ends when they haven't though through an issue enough to answer but keep going. People love to be asked questions. And questions they can answer so keep it simple at first. The trick is to start slowly lead them up to the more interesting questions. It takes some practice - both at removing your opinion and in listening to what they're saying but you can soon turn dull conversations in to something very insightful. Every now and then you'll come across someone who you wrote off as moronic as actually very interesting. There will be morons too, but you can only try.

 

[Lyx]

I do not intend to do small-talk, nor do i intend to do deep-talk. I just intend to say what's on my mind, and not say whats not on my mind.

For reasons elusive to me, some people consider that deep, which would seem depressing to me, if it weren't so ridiculous.

 

[Raven's Nest]

You can't really encourage others to talk about subjects that they've obviously deemed uninteresting or too complicated unless they express interest in them.

The only thing you can do is spark up a conversation about it and if anyone joins in then there you go. If they don't, there really isn't anything you can do to make them.

If you try and force them into it they'll just shut off and will probably start to dislike you.

Not everybody even takes the slightest interest in conversation topics that are a little more taxing.

There's nothing you can really do about it.

Yeah I hear you, I just find it a shame...

I know when to drop doomed attempts at conversation and I don't think the guys in my class really mind that I only really get into long conversations if it's an interesting topic. I'm not so much trying to "fit in" so to speak, as I already do, but I do sometimes feel like an outsider to them at the same time. I'm cool with that as i'm quite comfortable in solitude. Even my teacher had a chat with me about it a couple of days ago and told me I was perhaps the deepest thinking and interesting student she's ever met, which was nice. She's exactly the kind of person I get on well with, and feels my understands my frustration with the guys in my group. It's a shame she is in a "position of trust" because I'd totally be hitting on her

I've long since accepted that I won't find many people like me so to speak, but I don't want that to stop me from being good friends with my classmates etc... But it's hard to talk about twilight without criticising it ya know?

 

[Raven's Nest]

or, "How do I encourage people to talk about interesting things instead of lame things?"

I had exactly the same problem and I had it for years. The way out for me was to learn the art of asking questions. The conversation will start as small talk but you can draw some remarkable statements out of people. You have to keep listening to them and trying to understand what they're actually trying to say. Don't enforce your opinion (and I'm sure you have one) on to the conversation. You almost have to imagine yourself as another person. So remove your ego.

Ask about their job. Then why they do that. Then why they think people need jobs like that in society. What they think might be a better solution. What they'd rather do with their lives. Are they going to be happy with that when they're dying? What was it in their childhood that may have brought them where they are? Do they think you have a choice in life or are they guided by larger forces. etc...

Take everything they say and find an interesting angle on it. Then pose it back to them in a question. There may be a couple of conversational dead ends when they haven't though through an issue enough to answer but keep going. People love to be asked questions. And questions they can answer so keep it simple at first. The trick is to start slowly lead them up to the more interesting questions. It takes some practice - both at removing your opinion and in listening to what they're saying but you can soon turn dull conversations in to something very insightful. Every now and then you'll come across someone who you wrote off as moronic as actually very interesting. There will be morons too, but you can only try.

I really like this idea! I'm quite conscious that I often use questions to draw out conversation but now you mention it, it does seem like a very good way to get conversation flowing. I guess I just have to figure out how to ask the right questions then.

The whole point of me posting this thread comes from a desire to get to know my fellows better, so I'm already inclined to listen to people. I'll also have to figure out why things are important to people first, but I guess that's something you can get them to tell you huh?

Although this method is great for getting to know new people, what I struggle with is keeping light conversation between established aquaintences fresh and interesting. If you have any advice on that, that'd be awesome!

I'll definately consider your words here, thanks for sharing.

 

[kingcom]

I don't get people like you. It's not really a chore to partake in social customs.

For some people it is a chore. It means being forced to learn about topics that hold no interest to you and you have to start learning them from scratch since you have never followed anything in the topic until this point. Thats a fair bit of work, simply to engage in small talk if you have not done so in the past.

I have a set of friends that I discuss the philosophical, political, generally interesting and stimulating topic with. But I can also dismount that high horse from time to time and go get blitzed with my mates then talk about the nights events with them, using colloquial terms and slang ect.

Some people don't have that, they don't get to have those conversations that they actually enjoy, so when they go on a track record of conversations being chores, why would they start believing any differently with some kind of evidence?

Would it really kill you just to indulge in the phatic utterances of social convention from time to time.

No but what your asking isnt a valid question, this is not a "time to time" occurance, this is always.

Talking about inane and trivial subjects is a way a lot of people deal with the stress of their current situation. Not everyone likes a deep and lengthy dialogue on the inner workings of the human mind and why even though China does have a rapidly expanding economy it probably isn't stable, in-between mentally taxing classes and the general stress of being a late teen early 20 year old with all the hardships of life still to come, weighing down on their shoulders.

Some people actually looking and analysing the world is a way they deal with the same problem. Are you saying one is right and one is wrong?

In short. Just put that highhorse in the stables every now and again. Only bring it out when the occasion calls for it. You'll find life much more enjoyable if you do.

Often there is no high horse, there is just one person desperate to have a meaningful conversation with another human being so they can relieve the same stresses that everyone else is trying to put behind them. If you can't their life is much more painful and difficult.