So i started writing...

[The_Blue_Rider]

Hey there escapist, blue rider here, and i have something to ask.
I started writing a novel believe it or not, i probably wont finish it, but i want feedback on how it is so far. By the way, im 14 so dont expect literary gold

Spoiler

Prologue
...and it was foretold that in the age of steel, on a night were the Earth itself weeps, a man that will shape the future of the world will be born, but in order to bring salvation, he must sacrifice the one closest to him, the one and only person he will ever truly love. He will do this, but he shall be doomed to a life of solitude and loneliness, as is the path of the Great One.
This is the destiny of the Great One, and it is the only road he shall travel.

Chapter 1
The storm was raging long and hard, the thunder shook the very Earth, making it seem as if hell itself were trying to surface. Lightning struck the land, scarring it with fires that would burn for days. Villages were flooded, water ran down from the mountaintops, making it seem that even the Earth itself were in great pain.
On this, the most chaotic of nights, a child would be born. A child destined for great events, a child who would determine the future of all creation.
In a dark cathedral, high upon a hilltop, a woman's cries were lost in the torrent of rain and thunder.
The midwives and the doctors did all they could to help, but the woman knew her time was coming. With a final push she delivered the child into the world, and with her dying breath whispered "Go forth, my son, Gariah..."
And with a final flash of lightning, the woman was no more.

So yeah, thats the beginning of my story, id would be really nice if i could get some feedback, btw im posting this on the escapist so i could get some honest opinions, if i asked people i knew, they may not tell me the truth.
So does the beginning of my story interest you at all? are there any ways it could be improved?
Thanks in advance

EDIT: I decided i may as well put this here, i plan to have the main character question fate and the forces that be, because i realised while planning that this sounded very cliched

 

[SeriousSquirrel]

Not too bad. Maybe a little cliche though. I'd say that your chapter one feels more like a prologue, and your prologue feels like the description on the back of the book. Not much to go on, but not a bad start either.

 

[The_Blue_Rider]

Not too bad. Maybe a little cliche though. I'd say that your chapter one feels more like a prologue, and your prologue feels like the description on the back of the book. Not much to go on, but not a bad start either.

My plan is that, further in the book the character starts too reject destiny, and wonders why he has to follow these pre ordained events, thanks though =P

 

[Palademon]

I like it, very nice theme at the beginning.
This could become the best interpretation of the Bible, ever. JK

EDIT: Btw, I had a similar idea involving a guy given powers by a dead deity to be his weapon in the land of the living to defeat a guy that if he doesn't everyone will be dead and he must do it fast so there'll actually be people left by the time he's done, so he can't focus on anything else and therefore won't have a life til he's done.

 

[The_Blue_Rider]

Isn't there like some sort of rule against posting your works of writing for speculation? I swear this came up a while back. oh well, never mind.

Shit there is? I better check this out

 

[The_Blue_Rider]

Isn't there like some sort of rule against posting your works of writing for speculation? I swear this came up a while back. oh well, never mind.

Shit there is? I better check this out

I'm not entirely sure. All I remember is like a few months ago there was this guy doing the same thing 'hey I started writing, tell me what you think' and some sort of moderation occurred. Don't quote me on that though, I'm frequently wrong.

I checked out the forum guidelines, theres one that says you arent supposed to advertise things like you youtube or myspace account, but i have no idea whether it applies to this

 

[The_Blue_Rider]

I like it, very nice theme at the beginning.
This could become the best interpretation of the Bible, ever. JK

EDIT: Btw, I had a similar idea involving a guy given powers by a dead deity to be his weapon in the land of the living to defeat a guy that if he doesn't everyone will be dead and he must do it fast so there'll actually be people left by the time he's done, so he can't focus on anything else and therefore won't have a life til he's done.

I just realized that it does sound a lot like the bible =P, and that idea of yours sounds interesting, work on it before i steal it

 

[Pegghead]

That was awesome! I'm 14 too but don't let that stop you, I'm eager to find out what happens next.

 

[The_root_of_all_evil]

i probably wont finish it,

*thwack*

Don't do that. You will finish it one day.

Remember though that a novel is basically 140,000 words; but if you do 140 a night (which is easy), you can finish the whole thing before you're 18.

If you want me to do a critique on it, I will, but I'm very harsh. So I thought I'd ask you first.

Isn't there like some sort of rule against posting your works of writing for speculation? I swear this came up a while back. oh well, never mind.

I don't think so. Lots of people have done it in the past. Nothing in the guidelines about it either.

 

[The_Blue_Rider]

i probably wont finish it,

*thwack*

Don't do that. You will finish it one day.

Remember though that a novel is basically 140,000 words; but if you do 140 a night (which is easy), you can finish the whole thing before you're 18.

If you want me to do a critique on it, I will, but I'm very harsh. So I thought I'd ask you first.

Isn't there like some sort of rule against posting your works of writing for speculation? I swear this came up a while back. oh well, never mind.

I don't think so. Lots of people have done it in the past. Nothing in the guidelines about it either.

Sure i dont mind criticism, thats why i put it up here, fire away

 

[BonsaiK]

I started writing a novel believe it or not, i probably wont finish it, but i want feedback on how it is so far. By the way, im 14 so dont expect literary gold

Good writing style you have, but cliched and very melodramatic. There's no point hitting people with so much drama straight out of the gate before we've even gotten to know the characters. Also, giving away the entire emotional crux of the story in the very first paragraph is probably a bad idea. That's the sort of stuff you don't want to actually find out about until it actually happens to the characters. Don't tell the story before you've told the story, if you know what I mean.

On the plus side I can't fault your English usage.

 

[The_Blue_Rider]

I started writing a novel believe it or not, i probably wont finish it, but i want feedback on how it is so far. By the way, im 14 so dont expect literary gold

Good writing style you have, but cliched and very melodramatic. There's no point hitting people with so much drama straight out of the gate before we've even gotten to know the characters. Also, giving away the entire emotional crux of the story in the very first paragraph is probably a bad idea. That's the sort of stuff you don't want to actually find out about until it actually happens to the characters. Don't tell the story before you've told the story, if you know what I mean.

On the plus side I can't fault your English usage.

Well i've always been good with English ( and microsoft word helped), but the reason i made it all very moody before introducing our main character was because i wanted some sort of hook that would draw people in

 

[SeriousSquirrel]

Also, you willing to make a deal on movie rights yet? I'm on board to direct

 

[Ask]

I think its great that you're 14 and taking an interest in writing. Sure it isn't the next gold brick you'll find on the shelves yet, but you have PLENTY of time to work and establish your skill. If you wanted an honest critique, here it is: (and I am by no means whatsoever going to cut you down for your attempts. Finding a flaw is just a way to avoid it the next time)

The idea itself is definitely used...a lot. If you really want to hook your audience you have to present something in a fashion which its seldom seen. (Because lets face it, its very nearly impossible to do something entirely original, its all about the presentation and ability these days) That being said, I don't mean you have to write a completely different story, just find a way to make it different than what's usual. The whole "born on a stormy night hero with a destiny" thing, smacks of "seen it, heard it" and so it won't get a second look. (that being said you're not trying to publish or anything yet but, it helps to think of what an audience might say of your work well before you publish or anything)

Also, having a good hook, the best hook is mystery, not knowing. You don't want to over introduce your character before he even gets his foot out of the door. You want to stagger that information, make it last and leave people wanting to learn more. If you give away his destiny and ultimately blow the whistle on any surprises early, (ie. grand destiny plots usually do this) then you'll lose a lot of interest in his development.

Now all that said, I think you should keep working on your book, then when you're done writing it, read it, and inevitably you'll change it for ideas that grab you that didn't before and so on. So, yeah not 'literary gold' as you put it, but its a start. Oh, one thing that might help, ask one of your lit. teachers to read a chapter or two, and ask them to correct what they see is not working or where transitions could be better explained etc. Most teachers would be happy to look at it and for the most part they have very good advice.

 

[rabidmidget]

Well, if you're passionate about writing, I say "go right ahead", the only way you can get better at writing is by writing, so I see no reason why you shouldn't continue this story.

As for what you've written, I agree with Cimil, the first chapter sounds a lot like a prologue, I also feel that you could have lengthened out the description of this event, but that's really just down to my particular preference in books. Other than that, it looks quite good so far and it managed to intrigue me to find out what happens next.

Good luck!

 

[The_Blue_Rider]

I think its great that you're 14 and taking an interest in writing. Sure it isn't the next gold brick you'll find on the shelves yet, but you have PLENTY of time to work and establish your skill. If you wanted an honest critique, here it is: (and I am by no means whatsoever going to cut you down for your attempts. Finding a flaw is just a way to avoid it the next time)

The idea itself is definitely used...a lot. If you really want to hook your audience you have to present something in a fashion which its seldom seen. (Because lets face it, its very nearly impossible to do something entirely original, its all about the presentation and ability these days) That being said, I don't mean you have to write a completely different story, just find a way to make it different than what's usual. The whole "born on a stormy night hero with a destiny" thing, smacks of "seen it, heard it" and so it won't get a second look. (that being said you're not trying to publish or anything yet but, it helps to think of what an audience might say of your work well before you publish or anything)

Also, having a good hook, the best hook is mystery, not knowing. You don't want to over introduce your character before he even gets his foot out of the door. You want to stagger that information, make it last and leave people wanting to learn more. If you give away his destiny and ultimately blow the whistle on any surprises early, (ie. grand destiny plots usually do this) then you'll lose a lot of interest in his development.

Now all that said, I think you should keep working on your book, then when you're done writing it, read it, and inevitably you'll change it for ideas that grab you that didn't before and so on. So, yeah not 'literary gold' as you put it, but its a start. Oh, one thing that might help, ask one of your lit. teachers to read a chapter or two, and ask them to correct what they see is not working or where transitions could be better explained etc. Most teachers would be happy to look at it and for the most part they have very good advice.

Im planning on having a twist that subverts the whole destiny thing, but im just having a hard time trying to find a thing that will keep people hooked until about 10-12 chapters in

 

[Ask]

I think its great that you're 14 and taking an interest in writing. Sure it isn't the next gold brick you'll find on the shelves yet, but you have PLENTY of time to work and establish your skill. If you wanted an honest critique, here it is: (and I am by no means whatsoever going to cut you down for your attempts. Finding a flaw is just a way to avoid it the next time)

The idea itself is definitely used...a lot. If you really want to hook your audience you have to present something in a fashion which its seldom seen. (Because lets face it, its very nearly impossible to do something entirely original, its all about the presentation and ability these days) That being said, I don't mean you have to write a completely different story, just find a way to make it different than what's usual. The whole "born on a stormy night hero with a destiny" thing, smacks of "seen it, heard it" and so it won't get a second look. (that being said you're not trying to publish or anything yet but, it helps to think of what an audience might say of your work well before you publish or anything)

Also, having a good hook, the best hook is mystery, not knowing. You don't want to over introduce your character before he even gets his foot out of the door. You want to stagger that information, make it last and leave people wanting to learn more. If you give away his destiny and ultimately blow the whistle on any surprises early, (ie. grand destiny plots usually do this) then you'll lose a lot of interest in his development.

Now all that said, I think you should keep working on your book, then when you're done writing it, read it, and inevitably you'll change it for ideas that grab you that didn't before and so on. So, yeah not 'literary gold' as you put it, but its a start. Oh, one thing that might help, ask one of your lit. teachers to read a chapter or two, and ask them to correct what they see is not working or where transitions could be better explained etc. Most teachers would be happy to look at it and for the most part they have very good advice.

Im planning on having a twist that subverts the whole destiny thing, but im just having a hard time trying to find a thing that will keep people hooked until about 10-12 chapters in

Oh hey power to you to have a twist, I think twists are great. But like you said, you need a hook for your audience to stay interested, and reading what you've got. Now, if I were some random person in a book store and I'm reading the first page or the jacket for this thing, right of the bat I don't feel like there's a twist you could introduce that I won't suspect. (I'm not saying that you don't have a good twist, I'm saying that you need the audience to think you do to keep them interested.) So maybe, in order to keep them interested even before introducing the hook, leave out some information in the beginning. Like, maybe not even mentioning his destiny until a few chapters in after establishing his character.

That way, while you're establishing his character, you can start building on a hook to draw the readers in, introduce destiny and let that flow for a bit until the twist kicks in. As for what that hook is, honestly I couldn't give you something. To be frank, it might sound good for me, but not for you. Damn the subjectivity of it all right?

 

[The_root_of_all_evil]

Sure i dont mind criticism, thats why i put it up here, fire away

Ok...

First of all, make damn sure you want to tell this story. It's gonna have to stay with you for at least a year. And if it's good, which I'm sure it will be, people will KEEP wanting to read it or have you read it.
Secondly, don't aim for a novel yet. It's a HUGE undertaking, and that 140,000 words is not a joke. Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix is about 250,000. I'd aim for a short story first (7,000) and then expand if you still want to.
Thirdly, and before I get nasty, there's a good story here already. You've done the first big step in getting it out to the public (and it's a really big step), now hide it away until you've finished it. Leave it for a month. Then edit it (probably twice). And only then show it off again. Then it will be awesome

Now the dissection.

Prologue (Not a prologue: That would be a chapter in itself: This is more of a epigraph)
Equally, as it appears to be a fable, dress it up as such. Read the Bible and try and get that same sense of foretelling it uses.
...and it was foretold that in the age of steel, on a night were the Earth itself weeps, a man that will shape the future of the world will be born, but in order to bring salvation, he must sacrifice the one closest to him, the one and only person he will ever truly love. He will do this, but he shall be doomed to a life of solitude and loneliness, as is the path of the Great One.
Have to say it, cliche. Although in a fable that might work. With your main story though, try to steer it away from this route.
This is the destiny of the Great One, and it is the only road he shall travel.
Should it be better with "the only true road he can travel"? As that stops it being linear

Chapter 1
The storm was raging long and hard,Dark and stormy night? AVOID! the thunder shook the very Earth, making it seem as if(Weak. And who's describing this?) Hell itself were trying to surface. Lightning struck the land, scarring it with fires that would burn for days. Villages were flooded, water ran down from the mountaintops, making it seem that even the Earth itself were in great pain.(Weak use of the storm. If you're going for a dramatic opening, specify certain problems and ramp it up to 11. Especially if you're going Biblical.)
On this, the most chaotic of nights(Repetition), a child would be born.(Most nights) A child destined for great events, a child who would determine the future of all creation.(Sorry...yawn set in. This whole first paragraph seems as if it would be better in the fable part of the prologue. Then you can make it as unreal as possible, before starting with the aftermath in Chapter 1)
In a dark cathedral, high upon a hilltop, a woman's cries were lost in the torrent of rain and thunder. (Now THERE's your first line for Chapter 1...put that in there at the start and you'll hook your audience)
The midwives and the doctors did all they could to help, but the woman knew her time was coming. With a final push she delivered the child into the world, and with her dying breath whispered "Go forth, my son, Gariah..."(Too fast. Really too fast. This is a great dramatic moment and it deserves to be milked for all it's worth)
And with a final flash of lightning, the woman was no more.(Don't link the two events so closely, because it sounds like the lightning struck her. The last three lines could easily form your first chapter of 6 pages)

Wow...that was actually difficult to find fault with. There's a lot of good ideas (if slightly cliched) in there. Just need to slow down a bit and detail the difference between your prologue (which is ramped upto 11) and the real world (ramped upto 9); and you'll have the start of a great story.

Keep writing

 

[The_Blue_Rider]

I think its great that you're 14 and taking an interest in writing. Sure it isn't the next gold brick you'll find on the shelves yet, but you have PLENTY of time to work and establish your skill. If you wanted an honest critique, here it is: (and I am by no means whatsoever going to cut you down for your attempts. Finding a flaw is just a way to avoid it the next time)

The idea itself is definitely used...a lot. If you really want to hook your audience you have to present something in a fashion which its seldom seen. (Because lets face it, its very nearly impossible to do something entirely original, its all about the presentation and ability these days) That being said, I don't mean you have to write a completely different story, just find a way to make it different than what's usual. The whole "born on a stormy night hero with a destiny" thing, smacks of "seen it, heard it" and so it won't get a second look. (that being said you're not trying to publish or anything yet but, it helps to think of what an audience might say of your work well before you publish or anything)

Also, having a good hook, the best hook is mystery, not knowing. You don't want to over introduce your character before he even gets his foot out of the door. You want to stagger that information, make it last and leave people wanting to learn more. If you give away his destiny and ultimately blow the whistle on any surprises early, (ie. grand destiny plots usually do this) then you'll lose a lot of interest in his development.

Now all that said, I think you should keep working on your book, then when you're done writing it, read it, and inevitably you'll change it for ideas that grab you that didn't before and so on. So, yeah not 'literary gold' as you put it, but its a start. Oh, one thing that might help, ask one of your lit. teachers to read a chapter or two, and ask them to correct what they see is not working or where transitions could be better explained etc. Most teachers would be happy to look at it and for the most part they have very good advice.

Im planning on having a twist that subverts the whole destiny thing, but im just having a hard time trying to find a thing that will keep people hooked until about 10-12 chapters in

Oh hey power to you to have a twist, I think twists are great. But like you said, you need a hook for your audience to stay interested, and reading what you've got. Now, if I were some random person in a book store and I'm reading the first page or the jacket for this thing, right of the bat I don't feel like there's a twist you could introduce that I won't suspect. (I'm not saying that you don't have a good twist, I'm saying that you need the audience to think you do to keep them interested.) So maybe, in order to keep them interested even before introducing the hook, leave out some information in the beginning. Like, maybe not even mentioning his destiny until a few chapters in after establishing his character.

That way, while you're establishing his character, you can start building on a hook to draw the readers in, introduce destiny and let that flow for a bit until the twist kicks in. As for what that hook is, honestly I couldn't give you something. To be frank, it might sound good for me, but not for you. Damn the subjectivity of it all right?

No, it actually sounds good, i think that the opening may make it sound a little too cliche, ill revise the prologue part and try be a little less obvious about the destiny thing

 

[Ask]

No, it actually sounds good, i think that the opening may make it sound a little too cliche, ill revise the prologue part and try be a little less obvious about the destiny thing

Good on you. A little more advice that might help, read A LOT. (If you don't already) One key to being a good writer is to be a good reader. Haha gods you're getting an entire English course in a few minutes. There's a lot of good feedback in this forum, taking what's important to heart will definitely bolster your efforts.