So I've Never Had Physical Contact Before...?

[ATRAYA]

The key - what I'm assuming you're looking for - is: stop looking. Seriously, just don't look; once that stress and obsession from looking is gone, and you just focus on other things in your life, your future spouse will find you. Nine times out of ten a relationship will fail - whether it be after a week or ten years - if you were actively looking for a partner at the time. And the last couple just stays together out of fear of dying alone. You have to just let it happen, and not waste your time forcing it.

Trust me, ask any couple that is still in love even after sixty years of marriage, and they'll tell you:

1. It's a different kind of love that feels strange, yet better, than the other types of "love" where you were looking for a relationship, and...

2. They were not looking for love at the time.

They'll probably also mention that it was "Love at First Sight", a common, and slightly paranormal, occurrence coupled with true love.

Honestly, you don't really have to do anything, other than (CLICHE INCOMING) just be yourself.

You don't have to listen to me, but when it comes to this subject... let's just say I know what I'm talking about. Good luck!

 

[McFlabbergasty]

I've been thinking about getting into a musical instrument so I can appear cooler and be proficient at something that I can show off to others. Trouble is I've never played a musical instrument before outside of a few failed attempts to play the piano two years ago. I couldn't learn that effectively because I didn't start at an early enough age, according to a band geek friend of mine from grade school.

The thing is, whenever I start doing something, I do it with the intent of becoming the absolute end-all be-all grandmaster who will shame everybody else who tries to come close. I wouldn't be content with being an "OK guitar player" in my hypothetical group of friends. I would rather be, "the mad genius who can cure AIDS with his insane guitar skills." At least then I can have something tangible to pin my identity on. I would very much like a firm stake in the ground that I can hold onto even in troubled times like these.

But I've heard that almost anybody can pick up guitar, even in their twenties and thirties. Is there truth to this claim, guitar-playing Escapists?

More importantly, would it help me towards my goal?

 

[Darh Abdomino]

My advice? Stop caring. It's what I do. Also, take a look at all the stress, all the drama, all the bull and emotional crap that goes hand-in-hand with relationships. Have fun if you decide to go with that, but I'm sticking with apathy and sarcasm.

 

[Khada]

Keep your chin up, and the biggest tip I can give is do NOT come off as needy. That's a huge turn off for potential friends and partners. Be OK with who you are, know you are worthy (but there is always plenty of room for improvement, don't be too cocky) and love yourself.

Also I assume the title was an exaggeration? You would be dead if you had never had post-birth physical contact.

 

[crazyarms33]

I am in my second year of commuting to college and I still am just as much of a virgin as the day I was born. I have always had next to no self-confidence at all, meaning few if any friends. All throughout high school I would think "this is the year I'll have my first kiss with a girl" or "my first relationship" or whatever. I don't understand how everyone else around has such an easy time finding partners. I feel like I've skipped the whole teenager phase of my life and just became a dead-behind-the-eyes old man with regards to this whole love thing.

I tried to ask a girl out in my sophomore year of high school. She said yes, but then nothing came out of it because she kept making excuses to delay the date. We hardly even knew each other. Ever since then I have stopped trying. But I want to ask a girl out again some day.

I'm just sick of this cycle of self-pity and loneliness and depression. I want to experience what relationships are like. Right now I feel so disconnected from the rest of humanity that I actually feel happy when I see or hear about other people breaking up from their relationships. I for one don't see myself as being distraught over a break-up, if I ever get to have one.

Well...generic statement about how relationships aren't all they are cracked up to be. That being said, putting yourself out there is hard. Doing that comes with a potential to be rejected or hurt. The worst thing you can do is to say "fuck it. I'm out." and never try again. As cliche as this is, if you don't think that you can get a girl to go out with you, then why should she think that she should go out with you? Being confident in yourself as a person, whether you're a nerd, jock, hipster or douche is important. Be comfortable with who you are and see where that takes you. If you want to change yourself, go for it. But don't change yourself into something you're not. I mean, I'm an average dude (read: sarcastic ass hole) but I know that and that plays into my confidence. As long as you are comfortable with who you are, other people will be too which can lead to relationships, hookups or whatever it is you are looking for.

 

[brainslurper]

Consider yourself lucky.

 

[brainslurper]

Okay I hate to break it to you but some people die alone. A conversation that nobody wants to hear and they will avoid the subject at all costs. Now what most people say as a response to this is that your to ugly, or your personality sucks. Don't really focus on it and anything is better than swallowing that painful reality. Really give it some time, it will happen. Even if it only happens once, for some guys it does, don't be mad. Was just like you and I had a few good years, now I don't give to shits about women and they can fuck off and die for all I care.

Uh... Thanks for that... Maybe you should keep your opinion to yourself.

 

[Jaythulhu]

In your personal opinion, that is.

In reality they're no different to kmart. Supply and demand. People demand sex, other people supply it for an agreeable payment, all done in a clean, safe environment where there's no chance of pregnancy or stds, and you don't even have to clean up or make awkward conversation over a quick breakfast the next day.

You think there's something more moral and wholesome about, say, going to a pub, meeting a girl, buying them drinks all night then taking them home for sex? Aside from having to clean up your own place, the risk of pregnancy and disease, and that you have no idea how much you're going to be spending on drinks, how is this any different?

It's an objective fact. They are completely different to normal shops and yes it is different to doing that at a pub. Politicians who found to use such places will be stigmatized. If you use one you're a shitty person. No one should have to sell their body to stay alive and people who visit them are only encouraging the cycle of human trafficking to continue. There are many other wrong decisions people make like eating meat but this one is very wrong.

No, I'm sorry, but you're quite wrong here. The pub example is no different. The girl is receiving something in return for sex, which is the basic tenant of prostitution, and the there are far more personal risks involved.

Your arguments about being "having to sell their bodies to stay alive" and all that is spurious at best, facetious at worst. In Australia, we have legal brothels where women can CHOOSE to either work there or not, no different to a McDonalds, law firm or toy shop.

I have no particular desire for a relationship, I'm no longer overly fond of spending a lot of time with one person, I don't drink and I can't stand incredibly loud music, so going to a pub/club and hooking up for a one-night stand or dating in the hope I might eventually get some sex is both a stupid and pointless exercise for me. So yes, I visit brothels on the rare occasion where I have a desire for sexual contact with someone, and I'm certainly not "encouraging people smuggling". I also work incredibly hard to save animals from the nasty shit that people to do them, so who, exactly, do you think you are to call me a "shitty person"? I'm 97.3% sure I'm a provably far better person than you. How about I describe people who use the words "morals" and "values" to justify their opinions, like yourself, as "brain-dead scrotum-suckers"?

Ahem, anyway, saying that I (and people who use the LEGAL services offered by brothels) encourage people smuggling like saying that people who buy jewelry are explicitly encouraging slave labour and genocide in Africa. It's a nonsensical statement that, to be honest, you're quite lucky I didn't rip you a new arsehole for.

Eating meat is also not a "wrong decision". We're omnivores, not herbivores, and meat is an important and necessary part of our diet, but that conversation has absolutely no place in this thread.

As for politicians who visit brothels, if they're married or in a relationship, then yes, they should be ostracised and ridiculed as adulterers. If they're not, then it's no one else's business, and passing judgement on them is the only thing in the whole situation that's "wrong".

 

[Strazdas]

you do know that there is a life outside college too?

Also, whats so important about loosing your virginity? women are not the grail. there are many more important things in life than getting laid. Just stop worrying about it. You will find the girl when it is time for you to.

 

[Cowabungaa]

Your first relationship will not be successful.

Hah, my brother begs to differ.

Still, you're right on the money with the rest, but I think you miss something too; the OP first has to love himself, and only then is he ready to love someone else as well.

Eh, there are always exceptions. But the point is that no one should go into their first relationship expecting it to be "the one." That's not the reason to go in -- it puts unfair pressure on both yourself and the other person. It's about discovering the answers to questions, not looking to find a particular answer (thereby trying to force it). So it's better to go in without expectations, or preconceived notions of "success." And so, as I said earlier, expect that the first relationship will not be "successful."

Additionally, I agree the OP has to learn to "love himself." But that's a result. He's asking for the process. It's like someone that doesn't know math, and they're saying, "How do I learn math?" And we tend to answer, "Just go learn some math, man." The question is how.

And the way to learn to love yourself is to learn about yourself. And the best way to do that is to experience things. Relationships are a fantastic way to learn about yourself via the way you interact with others. They're also a great place to experience a wide range of emotions and learn how well (or how poorly) you handle them.

As long as we don't go into a relationship demanding that it "succeed," or demanding that the other person "be the one," we can learn a lot from the experience without having to hurt one another. There will be hurt, of course, but it's just a side effect of the process -- and an important part of the learning and growing.

Get out there, try relationships, come face-to-face with yourself, learn the things you like and the things you don't, test everything, hold on to the good. Even when we mine gold, it's not beautiful -- we know it's gold, but it doesn't shine until after we've put it to the fire and burned away the garbage.

So, yeah, he needs to learn to love himself. And this is how.

I...well... There's nothing I can add, you're just right, absolutely right.
Kudo's sir, you're damn smart.

 

[Smooth Operator]

But I've heard that almost anybody can pick up guitar, even in their twenties and thirties. Is there truth to this claim, guitar-playing Escapists?

More importantly, would it help me towards my goal?

Seems to me you first need to figure our what your goal is, yes we all want to be supermen but try and fixate on something in close proximity, and when you get there you set another goal.

Learning anything be it playing an instrument, socializing or relationships is just the same, takes a whole lot of practice, we crawl before we walk and we walk before we run and on the way there is no shortage bumps and bruises.
The question is will you push on toward your goal or give up at the first sign of trouble, just always remember people make things looks easy only once there is an incredibly long line of hard work behind them.

 

[Phoenixlight]

No, I'm sorry, but you're quite wrong here. The pub example is no different. The girl is receiving something in return for sex, which is the basic tenant of prostitution, and the there are far more personal risks involved.

Your arguments about being "having to sell their bodies to stay alive" and all that is spurious at best, facetious at worst. In Australia, we have legal brothels where women can CHOOSE to either work there or not, no different to a McDonalds, law firm or toy shop.

I have no particular desire for a relationship, I'm no longer overly fond of spending a lot of time with one person, I don't drink and I can't stand incredibly loud music, so going to a pub/club and hooking up for a one-night stand or dating in the hope I might eventually get some sex is both a stupid and pointless exercise for me. So yes, I visit brothels on the rare occasion where I have a desire for sexual contact with someone, and I'm certainly not "encouraging people smuggling". I also work incredibly hard to save animals from the nasty shit that people to do them, so who, exactly, do you think you are to call me a "shitty person"? I'm 97.3% sure I'm a provably far better person than you. How about I describe people who use the words "morals" and "values" to justify their opinions, like yourself, as "brain-dead scrotum-suckers"?

Ahem, anyway, saying that I (and people who use the LEGAL services offered by brothels) encourage people smuggling like saying that people who buy jewelry are explicitly encouraging slave labour and genocide in Africa. It's a nonsensical statement that, to be honest, you're quite lucky I didn't rip you a new arsehole for.

Eating meat is also not a "wrong decision". We're omnivores, not herbivores, and meat is an important and necessary part of our diet, but that conversation has absolutely no place in this thread.

As for politicians who visit brothels, if they're married or in a relationship, then yes, they should be ostracised and ridiculed as adulterers. If they're not, then it's no one else's business, and passing judgement on them is the only thing in the whole situation that's "wrong".

The reality is that it is 100% completely different to a pub because the both people want to have sex with each other whereas in a brothel the women are forced to have sex with whoever walks through the door. Even if the person is incredibly overweight, ugly or disabled. If they don't have sex with the person the they'll be fired and or beaten by a pimp. Not everyone who works there will want to, some of them will have been trafficked there from other countries and forced to work. The film Taken (2008) shows what I'm talking about quite well.

In a modern society the shitty people shouldn't be allowed to run such things. If you look at a morally superior country like the United Kingdom or Japan you can see that they have advanced to a point where the people in charge have made brothels illegal. I'm not really that surprised by Australia lagging behind but it will get there eventually.

I wasn't calling you specifically a shitty person but if you visit brothels which helps to encourage human trafficking and eat other animals which encourages more of them to be slaughtered then I guess you are. None of the countries of the world have advanced to the point of not eating meat but there are a lot of vegetarians and vegans around the world and fantastic organizations like PETA around. It seems like you're trying to justify some of the immoral activities you enjoy but you can't, some things are just wrong. Well people like me (morally superior) who use words like that use them to show other people (like you) how what you're doing is wrong and shouldn't be tolerated. Calling people who stand up for what's right names just makes you look stupid and desperate.

Seems like you are pretty upset that you're actions are leading to the trafficking and suffering of others. Just because something isn't illegal yet doesn't mean that you're in the right to do it. Poor, uneducated, advanced people need to eat meat because they can't survive without it. However, people living in richer countries can quite easily make the right choice and top eating meat. You can get more information about why eating meat is wrong here: http://www.peta.org.uk/ Passing judgement on others is a fantastic way to make them think about and realise that what they've done is wrong which will hopefully lead to them not doing it again.

You make too many assumptions about everything in your posts. Not the least of which, you make a lot of assumptions about the character of another poster only because they disagree with you. I am not, have never been, nor ever will be a patron of a brothel. However, I recognize that most of them have nothing to do with human trafficking or desperation.

Street prostitution? Totally different -- it's often about desperation, drug money, etc. But brothels? These women have made a clear, reasoned choice to enter into this arrangement because of the frankly insane amount of money they can make, doing something they don't mind doing. They're making a living (by choice) off of their bodies in a way not unlike how a professional athlete chooses to do so.

Someone isn't "shitty" because they choose something that you wouldn't. Regardless of our opinions on brothels, we shouldn't be so quick to claim some imaginary Moral High Ground, from which we look down on all the "shitty" people and their "meat eating." You undermine your own point when you say things that are not true, or overstate a minimal amount of truth (and here's an "objective fact" -- exaggerating is the same as lying).

To my mind, the "shittier" person would be the one who believes his/her opinion is fact, and that everyone should subscribe to it or face summary judgment.

The people who decide to work there generally do it because they need the money to survive and can't get a job somewhere else. It isn't about my personal preferences it's about what is morally right. People are shitty because of their actions which hurt other living creatures. I claim the moral high ground because I don't do anything "bad". I don't drink alcohol, I don't smoke, I don't take drugs, I don't eat other animals, I don't swear, I don't start fights, I don't intentionally try to hurt other things I respect peoples' religious beliefs, I treat people equally regardless of where they came from. I could go on but I think you get the point.

 

[Dastardly]

...whereas in a brothel the women are forced to have sex with whoever walks through the door. Even if the person is incredibly overweight, ugly or disabled. If they don't have sex with the person the they'll be fired and or beaten by a pimp. Not everyone who works there will want to, some of them will have been trafficked there from other countries and forced to work. The film Taken (2008) shows what I'm talking about quite well.

You've apparently learned about 'brothels' from bad movies or something. "Pimps" handle street prostitutes. Brothels are regulated and have strict oversight. Women can choose their clients, and they usually say "Yes" because they'd like to have the hundreds of dollars for spending half an hour with the guy.

But the most telling thing in this quote: "Even if the person is incredibly overweight, ugly or disabled." Heaven forbid! Why would anyone want to have sex with "ugly" people? Or *ick* the disabled! (After all, it was a "wrong choice" for that guy to get hit by a drunk driver and lose the use of his left leg.)

The people who decide to work there generally do it because they need the money to survive and can't get a job somewhere else. It isn't about my personal preferences it's about what is morally right. People are shitty because of their actions which hurt other living creatures. I claim the moral high ground because I don't do anything "bad". I don't drink alcohol, I don't smoke, I don't take drugs, I don't eat other animals, I don't swear, I don't start fights, I don't intentionally try to hurt other things I respect peoples' religious beliefs, I treat people equally regardless of where they came from. I could go on but I think you get the point.

You have no data to back you up. The people who decide to work there often have degrees and other previous jobs, but they chose to work at the Bunny Ranch or wherever because they wanted to make tons of money.

But to insinuate you don't do anything "bad" is ridiculous. You've made a teeny-tiny list of things you consider "bad," and just said, "See? I don't do any of those." Those aren't the world's only "bad" things, mate. They're just the list of things you think make someone "less good" (aka worse) than yourself.

Newsflash -- your callous judgment of the "ugly" or overweight or handicapped as awful people? That's a "bad" thing. Your use of unsupported claims, or outright falsehoods, touted as facts? Yeah, that's lying -- pretty bad. Your forum health meter seems to suggest you have trouble playing well with others on a repeated basis -- surely that's not a trait for a "good" person to ahve. And swearing, well, that's another one, isn't it? Maybe not on your list, but on someone else's. Who's to say their not right, meaning you're "bad" like the rest of us?

Your claims of moral superiority are little more than building your own personal "hill" out of dirt and then declaring yourself King of it. Your royal edicts have no basis in reality, and they have no power in the real world.

 

[Robert Ewing]

You need to gird your loins my friend, having no self confidence and not speaking up to the girl you think you may have a chance with is a deal breaker. Even if it's just for a few minutes, you need to macho up and find a girl, and interact with her.

 

[CaptOfSerenity]

I am in my second year of commuting to college and I still am just as much of a virgin as the day I was born. I have always had next to no self-confidence at all, meaning few if any friends. All throughout high school I would think "this is the year I'll have my first kiss with a girl" or "my first relationship" or whatever. I don't understand how everyone else around has such an easy time finding partners. I feel like I've skipped the whole teenager phase of my life and just became a dead-behind-the-eyes old man with regards to this whole love thing.

I tried to ask a girl out in my sophomore year of high school. She said yes, but then nothing came out of it because she kept making excuses to delay the date. We hardly even knew each other. Ever since then I have stopped trying. But I want to ask a girl out again some day.

I'm just sick of this cycle of self-pity and loneliness and depression. I want to experience what relationships are like. Right now I feel so disconnected from the rest of humanity that I actually feel happy when I see or hear about other people breaking up from their relationships. I for one don't see myself as being distraught over a break-up, if I ever get to have one.

Well, thers's this really simple solution: it's called stop giving a shit.

Seriously, if a girl turns you down, who cares? Just brush it off. Everybody gets turned down. There are thousands/millions of girls in your city. Just stop caring and try harder. Ask help from your friends (and you don't have any, get some, put yourself out there). Most importantly, stop feeling sorry for yourself, because everybody else has.

That's not an insult; it's just the way it is. Get confident.

 

[lacktheknack]

Edit: also don't listen to the guy with the cat avatar, brothels are immoral.

brothels are immoral.

Thefuck? Seriously the fuck!? The fuckidy fuck fuck of fucks?!

SURPRISE! Someone dislikes brothels. How does it feel now that your world is crashing down around you now that someone - GASP - dislikes something you like?!

Although he's right. I've read and watched some extremely disturbing stuff about the many, many strip-clubs/whore-houses/lounges/etc. that support sex trafficking, something that's UNDENIABLY immoral. Chances are, if you go to more than one seedy club, you've participated in extremely illegal activities by accident.

 

[])rStrangelove]

I've been thinking about getting into a musical instrument so I can appear cooler and be proficient at something that I can show off to others. ....

But I've heard that almost anybody can pick up guitar, even in their twenties and thirties. Is there truth to this claim, guitar-playing Escapists?

More importantly, would it help me towards my goal?

Ok seriously,

you sound like someone who has to show something great to others. It's not working that way.

1. Find something YOU really like doing and start doing it.
2. Stop looking around for something to stick your **** in. It makes you look insecure, its insulting to girls and IT WON'T MAKE YOU A BETTER PERSON.
3. Stop putting yourself under pressure by making up some goals. Your life is NOT an archievement and intercourse is NOT something you collect and put on the shelf for everyone to admire.


Jeez, wake up, enjoy YOUR life, enjoy YOUR hobbies and stop looking for GOALs to accomplish.

 

[tzimize]

-snip-

PS- my capcha is sensible Kextene. It sounds like a slow burning fuel. I wonder how explosive Whacky Kextene is?

While I find captcha pretty damn annoying it is also a source of endless entertainment for those with an adventurous mind. Now I want to buy some wacky Kextene ^^

OT: I already said mine some posts up >.>

 

[Nyaliva]

I've been thinking about getting into a musical instrument so I can appear cooler and be proficient at something that I can show off to others. Trouble is I've never played a musical instrument before outside of a few failed attempts to play the piano two years ago. I couldn't learn that effectively because I didn't start at an early enough age, according to a band geek friend of mine from grade school.

The thing is, whenever I start doing something, I do it with the intent of becoming the absolute end-all be-all grandmaster who will shame everybody else who tries to come close. I wouldn't be content with being an "OK guitar player" in my hypothetical group of friends. I would rather be, "the mad genius who can cure AIDS with his insane guitar skills." At least then I can have something tangible to pin my identity on. I would very much like a firm stake in the ground that I can hold onto even in troubled times like these.

But I've heard that almost anybody can pick up guitar, even in their twenties and thirties. Is there truth to this claim, guitar-playing Escapists?

More importantly, would it help me towards my goal?

I play piano, which I started at the age of 5, but then I stopped and when I got back into it 9 years later I apparently had the right form naturally. So it certainly helps if you started at an early age, and is certainly necessary if you want to become a prodigy. However, I think anyone can get into a musical instrument, although I'd suggest something like trumpet or flute if you've never played anything before. I personally found I could pick up a guitar easily for a music assignment, however, if I wanted to become really proficient I would've had to spend some more time on it, and that's coming from a musician from a musical family! People like guitar because it feels like they're proficient quickly and so they stick with it to become proficient. However, I still believe a woodwind or brass instrument would be best, violin is good but you really need to get the form right first before you start cranking out the music, which by the way would mostly have to be classical as you won't have a drum beat or bass behind you.

You remind me a lot of me, I've been overweight for my whole life and I keep wishing I could be like the fitness models who look awesome and can benchpress their friends. I keep saying this'll be the year (which it will be from January 1st! ). However, I do have other parts to my personality which help me stand out in my group of friends. I would suggest something easier than a musical instrument such as writing or wood-work or even gaming, however don't get rid of the idea, musical instruments are always good. Just rememeber, you don't have to be the grandmaster, you just have to be better than the people who know you! Martial arts is a good choice too, helps with confidence as a bonus.

As to music helping your lady-ing, it could help, but it's not going to make her automatically love you. What, you just say "Hey, I can play the guitar like a mad-pro" and then she says "Take me now!"? No, not how it works, you've got to be multi-layered and you have to have confidence. To be honest, I've never had a girlfriend either, but then I've never cared for one in high school. Why go about devoting all your time to a girl only to break her heart at the end of school or before? But now I'm older, I am actually looking for a serious relationship, as soon as I'm the fitness model I wish I was!

So why take advice from a guy who's in the same situation as you? Because while I've never bothered to have a girlfriend, I was friends with almost every girl in my grade and if any of them came up to talk to me I'd be able to talk right back like a normal person. That is what confidence is and does. If you want to talk to a girl, just do it as if they were a friend or at least an aquaintence. Don't think you want to look good in front of her, just think you want to talk!

Have fun!

 

[rutger5000]

Look the lack of experience of physical contact should not bother you this much, it's perfectly natrual that it does, but ti shouldn't. Yeah ít's rather awkward, and believe me I know how you feel (barely had any experience myself).
But if the lack of experience bothers you so terible much, just go visite a prostitute when you reach the right age (please do yourself a favor and don't do anything that drastic before you're 25 or something).
About that negative view of yourself. You simply have to force yourself to ignore that, don't feel sorry for yourself, no mather how pathetic you might feel. We all have momements, days, weeks or months that we feel really bad about oursefl, but no one has ever gotten better by feeling sorry for him/her self. So stop that, and yes it is that simple, just stop that.
Also Gwenten Knaff gave some great advice, asking for more probably wouldn't hurt. (but I recomend a sport as a hobby, as the chemicals the body produces during sport will make you feel better.)