So I've Never Had Physical Contact Before...?

[Random berk]

As someone who's been through the (rusty spiked) wringer that is divorce, let me say you're better off without relationships. I can't think of anyone I know who's been in a relationship for more than 2 years and doesn't fantasise about running off daily.

If you really want physical contact that badly, go to a brothel. Not sure what part of NZ you're from, but there are a quite a few good ones on the north island.

Your post saddens me sir, both for your divorce, and for your defeatist attitude. If you want to assume that your failed relationship means that all relationships will automatically result in pain for every party involved, every time, do that if you must, but do you really have to broadcast that fallacy to those less experienced than you?

OT: OP, here's a fun fact for you. An experiment done on the subject once found that if a random man asks random women in the street for a date, he has about a 50-50 chance of success. For every girl who will turn you down, there is another one who will o with it. Just try talking to girls, make a decent first impression, then ask them out. If they turn you down, don't worry about it. Either politely walk away, or continue the conversation on amicable terms and don't try to oush your luck. Try this three or four times, and unless you are doing something to actively repulse them then you are almost mathematically guaranteed to enjoy some success.

Oh, and if you can't bring yourself to actively try and ask a girl out, just be passive about it. Go out a lot with friends, make sure its a group that don't tend to avoid women. When there are girls in the group, just be as polite and chivalrous as you can. Be funny and intense, but not loud and obnoxious. Try to find the balance there. It works for me. I was out with friends a couple of months back, and the girl I was talking to started shivering (it was a cold night and she was in adress). I gave her my jacket, out of genuine concern, and that was enough to get her intersted, even though that was not my intention in the first place.

EDIT: Ican't seem to find the details of the experiment I referenced. It was in a book that I once borrowed from a friend, so I can't get it from the original source. If any Escapists happen to know of this experiment, then please post it for the OP.

 

[goodman528]

While we are on this subject:

http://youtu.be/qULwq_CQeIk

Extract from the video:
Chris to complete stranger: "Would you have sex with me"
Stranger: "No, you have to buy me drinks nd dinner, and presents, like everyone else."

Basically as long as the girl doesn't have a reason to dislike you, you are half way there. Then it's just matter of trial of error, try enough and you will get one. It's exactly the same as finding a job or summer intern.

 

[aegix drakan_v1legacy]

Confidence helps, but I think by and large you have to STOP LOOKING SO HARD. Stop worrying about it. Learn to like yourself, otherwise who else is going to like you? You're in school. Worry about that first. If some nice pretty thing (note that they don't have to be young/your age per se.) happens along, go ahead and say hi. It IS possible to be friends with girls. Hell, it's not even that difficult. They're not all dating material, nor should they be. Having female friends gives you a chance to learn to talk to them. To feel comfortable around them. To learn to stop seeing them as some alien species that you have to approach like it's one of those wilderness shows where the host hides in a thicket and whispers to the camera about these AMAZING foreign creatures.

Bottom line is....it's easier than you think. You're just not comfortable with yourself just yet and you're making a bigger deal out of it than it needs to be.

this. THIS THIS THIS.

For a long time I was desperately seeking a girlfriend. I felt like I NEEDED it. And I was never able to find anyone. I feared being "foreveralone.jpg" if you know the feeling.

Fast forward to about a year ago. I had gotten over my crippling fear of being alone and finally started to like myself for just being me. I decided to stop hunting like a starving wolf, and just enjoy my life, while saying "I'll keep my eyes open, but I'm not gonna stress myself over finding a girl". I made friends with some girls, got over the last of my shyness, and just chatted with people.

And then, I made a very good lady friend, and we eventually fell for each other. And 10 months later, we're still doing great. Oh, and we haven't had sex. Because personally, I don't care about sex all that much, so why the hell would I push for it and risk putting the relationship on edge because of that? I'm content with the innocent "best friends who have romantic moments" setup we have now. Oh, and I'm 23, for those curious.

TLDR: learn to like yourself, and don't stress yourself out over finding a girl. If you love who you are, and make a small effort to talk with people and expand your circle of friends, you'll eventually find someone (or they will find you). And DO NOT get stressed about being a virgin. It's a stupid thing to be concerned about. Nothing changes.

 

[zelda2fanboy]

Confidence helps, but I think by and large you have to STOP LOOKING SO HARD. Stop worrying about it. Learn to like yourself, otherwise who else is going to like you? You're in school. Worry about that first. If some nice pretty thing (note that they don't have to be young/your age per se.) happens along, go ahead and say hi. It IS possible to be friends with girls. Hell, it's not even that difficult. They're not all dating material, nor should they be. Having female friends gives you a chance to learn to talk to them. To feel comfortable around them. To learn to stop seeing them as some alien species that you have to approach like it's one of those wilderness shows where the host hides in a thicket and whispers to the camera about these AMAZING foreign creatures.

Bottom line is....it's easier than you think. You're just not comfortable with yourself just yet and you're making a bigger deal out of it than it needs to be.

False. I get the impression that this guy isn't looking at all. He's not meeting people. He's not talking. If anything, he should be looking more. Hell, maybe not looking, but talking. Just talk. Talk about bullshit. Talk like you don't care if you sound boring or dumb or needy or whatever impression that may be considered undesirable. He should be trying because if you don't try, NOTHING will happen. No girl is going to come to you for no reason. Ever. And the ones that would might not be the ones you want. So talk. For the love of God, talk. Make yourself groan at how lame and nerdy you sound. Talk until that tremble in your voice goes away. Talk like a late night talk show host doing an interview with a hot female celebrity you know you have no chance with, so you just do whatever entertains you. Make Paris Hilton cry. Bring a girl out from behind her facade and let her make you laugh. But first and foremost, talk to people.

 

[Guardian of Nekops]

In more ways than we'd like to believe, our relationships are determined by the other person. You two might be the "other person" but guys like me and the OP are not the other person. Someone could enter into our lives and make it a million million times better, but we can't make them want to, no matter what we do. It doesn't matter how much we want it, how we act, what we say, or how we feel. It's up to them. You can't make someone like you.

No! Bad fanboy!

Girlfriends are not fairy god mothers, no matter how much you wish they were. They don't work miracles, and they don't fix your problems. In the same way that Bill Gates will not, tomorrow, buy you a jetpack and your own army of robot ninjas, no girl will ever come into your life and fix you. I understand the longing, I really do... I weep to write this, but I know it's true.

What they do, if they're good ones, is provide you with some pleasant company, point out the wonderful things in you, and allow you to shine. They comfort, and they amuse, and they support. What they CAN do, but SHOULDN'T, is give you a reason for living. That's a trap. If you start thinking about them like that, then when they leave (and sadly, most do. The VAST majority of relationships do not endure, and people tend to go through several before finding happiness) they take that reason to live with them. Leaving you a broken, shattered husk for however long it takes to recover. And the more you base your life around them and them alone, the harder it will be to get back, because all your life reminds you of them and the emptiness that is now that they are gone. It BURNS. Trust me, I know... I take a while to fall in love, and haven't done so but a handful of times, but when I fall I fall HARD. Harder than I should. Depression medication and flunking out of school hard, at times.

So, my point isn't that girls will be falling all over you if you make yourself a whole, complete person with interesting stuff you're doing on your own. That does tend to happen, but my point is more important than that... when you become that guy (and trust me, you can), you don't NEED a girlfriend. You'll finally be happy (well, more so than otherwise) and the other then becomes more a welcome addition to your life than the definition, the soul of it. No matter how close you get to her, there will still be that spark of you, those friends that you go bowling with, your incredible talent at drawing green-clad lads with swords, your fiercly defended moral compass.

And if all turns sour, it is that spark that will save your life. It is that light of your own wholeness that will, eventually, lead you out of despair and back into the bright gray of mere loneliness.

Girls aren't the answer. Neither are boys. They're human, just like you, and if you start treating them like the solution they will rapidly become the next problem.

Oh, and no. You can't make someone like you. You can ask if they do, though, and if that fails? You can write them off, because if they're not willing to give you a shot then there's someone else, someone better. Just be sure you're who you need to be before she gets there.

 

[zelda2fanboy]

There's an old song by an obscure indie band that I assure you that you won't be able to find online. However, it had a great line in it that's my new personal motto. "Don't let another day go by without wasting somebody's time / Don't let another day go by / Without blowing somebody's mind."

 

[Thaius]

Dude, I know it can be tough, but there's nothing wrong with that. Our culture puts far too much importance on sexual contact and relationships. There's nothing wrong with not having been in a relationship or touched a girl yet.

But you know, frankly, I don't know how your disposition is on a regular basis, but that gloomy outlook you described isn't going to have the ladies flocking to you. The best way to start a relationship is to just get to know people. As time goes on, perhaps you'll meet a girl you're interested in, get to know her, and perhaps she'll be interested as well.

The thing to remember is that it takes time, and you're not somehow "sub-human" up until the point you kiss a girl. Wait until there's a meaningful relationship, and don't rush things. You're fine.

 

[zelda2fanboy]

What they do, if they're good ones, is provide you with some pleasant company, point out the wonderful things in you, and allow you to shine. They comfort, and they amuse, and they support.

This is what I meant by a million times better. If you spend your life with no friends you can talk to (which I'm projecting I know, but possibly like the OP), having someone to talk to, even on a non romantic level, makes your life a million times better than it was. I wouldn't even say that much because a million times zero is still zero. It's more than that. It's the difference between having a life and not.

I have an internet girlfriend that I love very much. We are both very damaged and lonely individuals and we may never meet in person. We still don't feel great about our lives, but because both of us have someone to regularly talk to, our current level of depression is MILES above where our previous level used to be. We want to go on living and see every day, just in the hopes of getting to see each other again. She's not the solution to my problems, nor I to hers, but conversation is the world's greatest antidepressant. It's what makes us human. I'm betting the sex isn't what our OP is missing. It's friendship. Sex is secondary to that, yes, but it's a sign that his life may very well be deficient in the socializing department.

 

[Programmed_For_Damage]

I'll back up what a lot of people have been saying and that is "don't try". Believe it or not your natural flow will attract someone. If there is something women seem innately aware of it is desperation.

I have never had so much action since the time I stopped chasing tail. Mind you I'm married so those times were long, long ago.

 

[Programmed_For_Damage]

Double post. Damn this new interface and it's slow loading times.

 

[winter2]

I am in my second year of commuting to college and I still am just as much of a virgin as the day I was born. I have always had next to no self-confidence at all, meaning few if any friends. All throughout high school I would think "this is the year I'll have my first kiss with a girl" or "my first relationship" or whatever. I don't understand how everyone else around has such an easy time finding partners. I feel like I've skipped the whole teenager phase of my life and just became a dead-behind-the-eyes old man with regards to this whole love thing.

I tried to ask a girl out in my sophomore year of high school. She said yes, but then nothing came out of it because she kept making excuses to delay the date. We hardly even knew each other. Ever since then I have stopped trying. But I want to ask a girl out again some day.

I'm just sick of this cycle of self-pity and loneliness and depression. I want to experience what relationships are like. Right now I feel so disconnected from the rest of humanity that I actually feel happy when I see or hear about other people breaking up from their relationships. I for one don't see myself as being distraught over a break-up, if I ever get to have one.

Out of curiosity, have you tried online dating services? You might be more comfortable starting out that way.

And off topic... not a big fan of this new layout..

 

[Voodoomancer]

When you want something, you often only notice those that haven't and subconsciously don't count those who don't. Meaning there's plenty of people in your situation. You're not alone.

 

[mb16]

im am such an introvert it hurts. so yeah i think you can see where im going with this

 

[TPiddy]

All I have to say is... join a co-ed sports league... exercise and fun will build confidence and help you be social... greatest thing I ever did for my social life...

 

[Faladorian]

I am in my second year of commuting to college and I still am just as much of a virgin as the day I was born. I have always had next to no self-confidence at all, meaning few if any friends. All throughout high school I would think "this is the year I'll have my first kiss with a girl" or "my first relationship" or whatever. I don't understand how everyone else around has such an easy time finding partners. I feel like I've skipped the whole teenager phase of my life and just became a dead-behind-the-eyes old man with regards to this whole love thing.

I tried to ask a girl out in my sophomore year of high school. She said yes, but then nothing came out of it because she kept making excuses to delay the date. We hardly even knew each other. Ever since then I have stopped trying. But I want to ask a girl out again some day.

I'm just sick of this cycle of self-pity and loneliness and depression. I want to experience what relationships are like. Right now I feel so disconnected from the rest of humanity that I actually feel happy when I see or hear about other people breaking up from their relationships. I for one don't see myself as being distraught over a break-up, if I ever get to have one.

My situation is exactly the same, except I did go out with the girl...

And there was minimal physical contact, enough to get a person excited (kissing, nothing more) then stop. Was actually a physically painful relationship, and I now have cysts because of it. I'm just as bitter if not more bitter than you are. I do so enjoy the failing love lives of others. However, I'm not jealous of people in relationships at all, I just get angry because I personally believe anybody who is truly happy is ignorant and foolish by nature.

I raise you one cynicism.

 

[Jumendez-sama]

You seek a relationship it seems not to actually make a sustaining relationship, but rather because you feel it is something you are almost required to do in your youth, and not fulfilling such challenge is making you depressed.

You should pursue what you want, not what you feel society expects of you.

And I guess there is also the component of hormones, but seeking a relationship simply for sexual gain is hollow. You will only gain something for the moment, but I'm not sure if that will make you feel any better.

 

[Twilight_guy]

Be cool. I'm a big fan of letting things come naturally. Someday you'll find someone who is just as much as a spaz (not meant offensively) as you.

 

[Magicmad5511]

Yep. I'm pretty much the same. In college and all attempts at relationships have been rejected.
To be honest I wouldn't know where to start. You're actually further along than I am at this point. You've asked a girl out. It didn't work out but at least you tried.
All I've had is that 2 girls in past years found out I had crushes on them, then before anything came of they ended up moving.

Just keep trying. Try to find someone you've got something in common with.

 

[TJC]

Oh for the love of...
First of all, being a virgin is not a curse and not something to lament about, no matter what age. I lost my big V with 20, got my first real relationship with 21. In the end, nobody cares about numbers.
Second, if you want a relationship, stop appearing so fucking desperate.

If your desperation is palpable through my screen on the other side of the planet then you're doing it wrong. I mean, right now the only vibes I can get from is "I WANT A FUCK!!!!" and trust me, NO woman wants to be reduced to that. If that's all you want, there's always Craigslist.

If you want something more meaningful, just... STOP!
Stop looking... actively that is. You can do a lot without actually looking for potential mating partners. Surround yourself with people. It's not that hard. Join a club, join aerobic classes, in general just mingle. It will be awkward at first and it means getting out of your comfort zone for a bit but you can ease into it by doing something you really like or always wanted to do (learn a language/martial art/instrument etc). Focus on that new thing and new people will come along, among those probably someone you'd want to have a relationship with.

If someone like that comes along, just be honest. You've met up with someone a couple of time and you noticed that you like her? Tell her. BUT FOR THE LOVE OF GOD DON'T BE CREEPY!!!!

Fig.1: "OH MY GOD YOU'RE THE MOST BEAUTIFUL PERSON IN THE WORLD I LOVE AND WANT TO MAKE FILTHY FILTHY THINGS TO YOU AND YOUR VARIOUS BODY PARTS"
Fig.2: "I saw you and... well, I was about to grab a cup of coffee. Wanna join me?"

Which one is creepy and which one is a normal conversation starter? You decide.

Now, as a final lesson (because I have a feeling that you need it): no matter HOW nice you are and whatever you do: You're NEVER entitled to someone's love. If they don't want to love you (or maybe even like you) you can't make them. Just move on. Let go and move on. Repeat the previous process and it'll work out. (check LoveFAQ's Nice Guy article for good pointers). And if you find another girl that delays the date, just give her the pass. I mean... srsly, don't let people walk all over you.

On a side note: You might wanna check up that lack of self-esteem with a therapist. It does sound like it's creeping towards a full-blown depression.

 

[BehattedWanderer]

I greatly appreciated all the help, folks.

A couple of other things to be mentioned...

1) I already have a workout routine. I stay very physically contained and I generally keep my cardio up far higher than average. I'm not an athlete; I hate sports. I just workout to keep fit in spite of that.

2) I just find it hard to decide on what to say when I spy an attractive lady nearby.

3) I see very little *reason* to be self-confident. Everybody I've mentioned this problem to says "get more self-confidence". But my question is "How?" or "From where?". Is it something you gain by being awesome at playing the guitar or some shit like that? Or is it something you can spontaneously generate within yourself with the snap of a finger?

Confidence is one of those things. You have to earn it, but you also have to feel that you've earned it. For a dash more, do something you wouldn't do, or would be too afraid to do. Like Skydiving, where you can get afraid, but have limited room to back out. DON'T LET YOURSELF BACK OUT. Commit. Do what you need to do. Once you're done, and you've done something that before you couldn't even imagine yourself doing, take hold of that accomplishment, and use it as a base to build yourself up.

You say you're fit, and that's good. Without becoming egotistical, take pride in the work you do to keep your body there. I don't know what you're studying, but anyone looking for good qualities in someone will always want them to be educated. These are things you can use to pretend, if nothing else, that you're a confident person. It'll take time to really build it up, and many things will come and knock it about, but you have to bear through it.

If you need help talking to girls, find someone you might like beyond just a physical connection, you know what you're looking for. Start by saying "hi", and follow it up with your name. Ask her some of her interests, and if any are things you'd like to do, put the idea to her that you could do them together, as soon as you can. Just doing that is a great start. Don't be forceful or creepy about it, just say something like "Oh, you like canoeing? Hey, me too! We should go sometime." Pretend this isn't a serious offer for a bit, with whatever topic you have. If she responds with a joking "yeah, we could do that", the idea is there. Don't dwell on it. Keep talking to her. Then, after a brief period of time (or when the weather looks decent, if it's an outdoors thing), ask her about it. "Hey, you like canoeing right? It should be perfect out this weekend for it, you want to go?" It's not simple, by any means, and finding a shared interest might take a few tries, but keep at it, or try it with a couple of different girls.

You got this, man. You can do it.