I feel like issuing some proclamations today. Not that any of these are likely to ever come true, but issuing more realistic proclamations like "I shall purchase a sandwich" or "Today I shall visit the bathroom thrice" lack the heft and import to make for interesting reading. So I will pretend, for a second, that the gaming industry has the slightest interest in doing things I actually want them to do, and make a list of haughty demands. Do feel free to add your own.
[HEADING=3]THOU SHALT STOP CONFUSING STREAMLINING WITH SHALLOWNESS[/HEADING]
And this goes for all of you, too. Streamlining doesn't have to be a dirty word. Feature creep can actually be a serious problem, and sometimes the best games are simple games. Archon was simple. Peggle is simple. Chess is simple. However, simpleness is only special when it conceals great depth. When all you're doing is cutting features and calling it streamlining, no one is fooled. Stop trying to fool us we are not fooled.
[HEADING=3]THOU SHALT GIVE US DLC WORTH BUYING[/HEADING]
I don't even mind DLC. If I like your game enough, I will throw my money at the screen. But there's no need to be INSULTING about it. What's this, EA? You want to sell me a hat for Sims 3? And it costs a dollar? That's fucking ridiculous. I could buy a real hat for a dollar. I might never want to be seen in it, but I could panhandle with it, and use that money to buy a better hat. Can I do that with your stupid virtual hat? No I cannot. Give us real DLC you monsters.
[HEADING=3]THOU SHALT GIVE US BETTER EXTRAS IN OUR COLLECTORS EDITIONS[/HEADING]
I don't know about all of you, but I'm tired of the tchotchkes they keep pawning off on the Collector's Edition crowd. You're already taking advantage of nerds with more money than sense by pricing the thing at $150, you can at least throw in a beefy manual and a nice cloth map or something. There are only so many gaming posters and action figures you can have around before your chance of ever having sex again falls below zero. A cloth map looks sophisticated. "What is this a map of? Are you some kind of explorer?" your date will ask, and you will silence her with a kiss.
[HEADING=3]THOU SHALT REALIZE THAT CHALLENGE CAN BE REWARDING[/HEADING]
Specifically, a sweet spot for challenge can be rewarding. No one seems to be tuning their difficulty any more. It's either insultingly easy, or ball crushingly hard. A little challenge can be a good thing. People like to feel like they're overcoming challenges to accomplish their goals. It helps soothe their guilty conscience about all the challenges they've failed to overcome in their actual lives, like the PHD they never got, or bathing.
[HEADING=3]BY THE SAME TOKEN, THOU SHALT REALIZE THAT GAMES CAN BE MORE THAN JUST CHALLENGES[/HEADING]
We don't have enough sandbox games, and the gaming community at large needs to stop sneering at the sandbox games we do have, because some of them are really excellent. Sometimes just mucking about in a virtual space can be enormously engaging. There's nothing wrong with giving gamers basic tools, and letting their imaginations do the rest. Minecraft is probably the best example of this, but even the Elder Scrolls games are a kind of sandbox, and of course you have the Sims.
[HEADING=3]THOU SHALT STOP FORSAKING TURN BASED STRATEGY[/HEADING]
I get that we all have a patience issue these days. Years of television commercials and microwave ovens have ruined us. If people aren't bunny hopping all over the screen in every direction, we're thumping our monitors, sure that the application has crashed. But we're really missing out on something special. Some of the best games of ALL TIME are stately and turn based. They let you breathe, let you think. They exercise something other than your wrist muscles, which, let's face it, are probably close to collapse from a life time of abuse anyway. Yet look what we're getting. A real time Jagged Alliance? A FPS shooter X-Com? Developers, politely go fuck yourselves, and come back with proper games.
Firaxis, Paradox, we're good. I have no problem with either of you. Have a slice of pie.
[HEADING=3]THOU SHALT RECOGNIZE THAT NOT EVERYTHING NEEDS TO BE TURNED INTO A FUCKING SHOOTER[/HEADING]
An addendum to the last commandment. Enough of this bullshit! I like shooting men as well, and as certain legal complications force me from doing it in real life, I'm forced to turn to virtual environments just like the rest of you. But what idiot took X-Com and Syndicate and thought "This could be greatly improved if there was more running and shooting"? Shooter fans get a new Call of Battlefields every 25 seconds. Give the rest of us some time at bat, you greedy pricks.
[HEADING=3]THOU SHALT RESPECT THE PAST[/HEADING]
EA, this one is for you. Where's System Shock 3, EA? Where's Wing Commander? What's this Lords of Ultima crap? You have a lot to answer for, EA. Stop murdering classic franchises. Not everyone loves Eidos Montreal, but at least they're trying. Give me Ultima X. You can even let that head case Garriott do it, if he's not too busy banging around in his castle, playing with his secret doors. Just call him up and hand him a blank cheque. You owe it to me. The only reason George Lucas didn't ruin my childhood is because you got there first.
[HEADING=3]THOU SHALT STOP HYPING YOUR GAMES FIVE YEARS BEFORE YOU'VE EVEN ENTERED BETA[/HEADING]
Seriously, enough. Diablo what? It's been 73 years Blizzard. We will have flying cars and a city on the moon before the games we see in today's trailers actually come to market. Hype has a life cycle, you can't just keep stacking it up forever.
Except you, Arena.net. Keep stoking those Guild Wars 2 flames, I'm buying whatever you're selling, you glorious bastards.
[HEADING=3]THOU SHALT STOP PANDERING TO THE LOWEST COMMON DENOMINATOR[/HEADING]
It feels like that article that came out revealing that the average gamer is now in their thirties was ages ago. Surely we're all in our 50's by now, which means we're incontinent and unemployable and thus have more time for gaming than ever before. Whatever the case, when is the industry going to stop writing and marketing these goddam games for adults? I don't mean by adding more titties, either. We're already at maximum titty saturation. I mean when are we going to put aside the evil galaxy destroying robots and orc invasions and grow this medium up a little bit? It's sad when the most intelligent, sophisticated, adult game of the year looks like it came out in 1985, because the major developers are still aiming directly at the pleasure centers of 12 year old boys.
[HEADING=3]THOU SHALT STOP CONFUSING STREAMLINING WITH SHALLOWNESS[/HEADING]
And this goes for all of you, too. Streamlining doesn't have to be a dirty word. Feature creep can actually be a serious problem, and sometimes the best games are simple games. Archon was simple. Peggle is simple. Chess is simple. However, simpleness is only special when it conceals great depth. When all you're doing is cutting features and calling it streamlining, no one is fooled. Stop trying to fool us we are not fooled.
[HEADING=3]THOU SHALT GIVE US DLC WORTH BUYING[/HEADING]
I don't even mind DLC. If I like your game enough, I will throw my money at the screen. But there's no need to be INSULTING about it. What's this, EA? You want to sell me a hat for Sims 3? And it costs a dollar? That's fucking ridiculous. I could buy a real hat for a dollar. I might never want to be seen in it, but I could panhandle with it, and use that money to buy a better hat. Can I do that with your stupid virtual hat? No I cannot. Give us real DLC you monsters.
[HEADING=3]THOU SHALT GIVE US BETTER EXTRAS IN OUR COLLECTORS EDITIONS[/HEADING]
I don't know about all of you, but I'm tired of the tchotchkes they keep pawning off on the Collector's Edition crowd. You're already taking advantage of nerds with more money than sense by pricing the thing at $150, you can at least throw in a beefy manual and a nice cloth map or something. There are only so many gaming posters and action figures you can have around before your chance of ever having sex again falls below zero. A cloth map looks sophisticated. "What is this a map of? Are you some kind of explorer?" your date will ask, and you will silence her with a kiss.
[HEADING=3]THOU SHALT REALIZE THAT CHALLENGE CAN BE REWARDING[/HEADING]
Specifically, a sweet spot for challenge can be rewarding. No one seems to be tuning their difficulty any more. It's either insultingly easy, or ball crushingly hard. A little challenge can be a good thing. People like to feel like they're overcoming challenges to accomplish their goals. It helps soothe their guilty conscience about all the challenges they've failed to overcome in their actual lives, like the PHD they never got, or bathing.
[HEADING=3]BY THE SAME TOKEN, THOU SHALT REALIZE THAT GAMES CAN BE MORE THAN JUST CHALLENGES[/HEADING]
We don't have enough sandbox games, and the gaming community at large needs to stop sneering at the sandbox games we do have, because some of them are really excellent. Sometimes just mucking about in a virtual space can be enormously engaging. There's nothing wrong with giving gamers basic tools, and letting their imaginations do the rest. Minecraft is probably the best example of this, but even the Elder Scrolls games are a kind of sandbox, and of course you have the Sims.
[HEADING=3]THOU SHALT STOP FORSAKING TURN BASED STRATEGY[/HEADING]
I get that we all have a patience issue these days. Years of television commercials and microwave ovens have ruined us. If people aren't bunny hopping all over the screen in every direction, we're thumping our monitors, sure that the application has crashed. But we're really missing out on something special. Some of the best games of ALL TIME are stately and turn based. They let you breathe, let you think. They exercise something other than your wrist muscles, which, let's face it, are probably close to collapse from a life time of abuse anyway. Yet look what we're getting. A real time Jagged Alliance? A FPS shooter X-Com? Developers, politely go fuck yourselves, and come back with proper games.
Firaxis, Paradox, we're good. I have no problem with either of you. Have a slice of pie.
[HEADING=3]THOU SHALT RECOGNIZE THAT NOT EVERYTHING NEEDS TO BE TURNED INTO A FUCKING SHOOTER[/HEADING]
An addendum to the last commandment. Enough of this bullshit! I like shooting men as well, and as certain legal complications force me from doing it in real life, I'm forced to turn to virtual environments just like the rest of you. But what idiot took X-Com and Syndicate and thought "This could be greatly improved if there was more running and shooting"? Shooter fans get a new Call of Battlefields every 25 seconds. Give the rest of us some time at bat, you greedy pricks.
[HEADING=3]THOU SHALT RESPECT THE PAST[/HEADING]
EA, this one is for you. Where's System Shock 3, EA? Where's Wing Commander? What's this Lords of Ultima crap? You have a lot to answer for, EA. Stop murdering classic franchises. Not everyone loves Eidos Montreal, but at least they're trying. Give me Ultima X. You can even let that head case Garriott do it, if he's not too busy banging around in his castle, playing with his secret doors. Just call him up and hand him a blank cheque. You owe it to me. The only reason George Lucas didn't ruin my childhood is because you got there first.
[HEADING=3]THOU SHALT STOP HYPING YOUR GAMES FIVE YEARS BEFORE YOU'VE EVEN ENTERED BETA[/HEADING]
Seriously, enough. Diablo what? It's been 73 years Blizzard. We will have flying cars and a city on the moon before the games we see in today's trailers actually come to market. Hype has a life cycle, you can't just keep stacking it up forever.
Except you, Arena.net. Keep stoking those Guild Wars 2 flames, I'm buying whatever you're selling, you glorious bastards.
[HEADING=3]THOU SHALT STOP PANDERING TO THE LOWEST COMMON DENOMINATOR[/HEADING]
It feels like that article that came out revealing that the average gamer is now in their thirties was ages ago. Surely we're all in our 50's by now, which means we're incontinent and unemployable and thus have more time for gaming than ever before. Whatever the case, when is the industry going to stop writing and marketing these goddam games for adults? I don't mean by adding more titties, either. We're already at maximum titty saturation. I mean when are we going to put aside the evil galaxy destroying robots and orc invasions and grow this medium up a little bit? It's sad when the most intelligent, sophisticated, adult game of the year looks like it came out in 1985, because the major developers are still aiming directly at the pleasure centers of 12 year old boys.
