Stress in relationships

[Miggiwoo]

So much generalization! I mean if you have attachment issues, that's borderline personality disorder and you will probably need to be medicated. Even though this isn't the end of the world, that sort of diagnosis from an internet forum is just totally inappropriate.

There is a difference between attachment issues (being unable to form appropriate attachments) and fixation (where you obsess over thoughts that have little to no grounding in reality, which leads to anxiety). It seems to me that you are fixating on concerns about the actions and intentions of your partner, concerns which you yourself have claimed to be groundless.

Ultimately, I stand by what I said before, try to rationalize and release your thoughts, try to be present centered, and go see a psychologist. You would be amazed how much 6 sessions can do for anxiety related mental illness.

On a side note, being present centered will help you to relax. There are a few mindfulness routines you can do, a favorite of mine is to go to a park, close my eyes, and just really concentrate on the sounds around me. Flowing water, wind in trees, those sorts of things.

 

[neonsword13-ops]

No other girl seems to be like me, menatlly.

I like to see a girl every now and again. Not the next day after. I need recuperation, it's how I was born. No other girl I have met is like that.

Sometimes I just can't stand girls. I don't UNDERSTAND them.
(Being 15 probably doesn't help either.)

 

[IkeGreil29]

Get some sleep, and think with a clear head.
But other than that, I only know of one relationship that is stress free, and I'm not even sure, as both of them are close friends but I rarely ever talk to them about it. Sometimes she criticizes him, and he talks to me about it, because he almost always has a higher level of thinking where he tries to improve himself and whatnot. But other than that, I don't believe there are stress-free relationships.

 

[zehydra]

I totally feel ya. It kind of describes my own relationship, except she wasn't a manipulator.

...Or was she? DUH DUH DUUUUHHHH

But yeah, that's something I've worried about myself, that if I got in a relationship, I wouldn't be able to control my own sense of worry.

 

[Craorach]

Much of what makes people stressed in new relationships seems to be the expectations they have, based upon media. This is also what causes stress down the line, because as soon as that gut wrenching, heart pounding, physical reaction is gone people don't think they are in love anymore.

I love my wife, we've been together ten years. Loving her doesn't mean I adore every little thing she does, nor that she loves everything I do. Loving her doesn't mean there are not frustrations and disagreements. Any successful relationship is a constant compromise, where Us is more important than you or me.

Early in our relationship, I was alot like the OP.. jealous, paranoid, afraid because I'd been hurt before. Sooner or later, unless there is an actual good reason to be any of those things, you just need to learn to suck it up.. bite your lip, smile, and pretend whatever it is isn't bothering you.. because after awhile it won't any more. After awhile you realise that being suspicious and jealous all the time is only causing the person you love to be sad, as well as you. Sooner or later you realise, often, that you are also operating on a double standard. It's okay for me to be busy, but if she is she's ignoring me. It's okay for me to talk to girls, but if she talks to boys she might be cheating. After awhile, you realise how intensely stupid you sound.

 

[TheLoneBeet]

Since it's really late and in an earlier post the OP said they was going to sleep I'm not going to bother adding to the pile of advice that's already been laid down, but I will answer the questions that were posted.

How stressful do you find relationships?

Not very if at all. One of the first things I look for in a girl is whether or not she can make me happy. If talking to her or being with her doesn't do anything as far as chilling me out or making me smile; what's the point?

How do you cope with the stress relationships bring?

Like I said: My relationships often don't bring stress. However, no relationship is complete without it's share of drama, so for those times that things get tough I go to:
-Games
-Music
-Friends

Not necessarily in that order.

Do you think relationships tend to bring more hurt than happiness? If yes, why do you bother with them?

They can, but they shouldn't. If yours do(es) then you shouldn't be in that relationship. If it's a bit of a rough patch I'd say work through it, but if the hurt lasts more than a week; fuck it.

 

[Astoria]

If a relationship is causing you stress you aren't in the right relationship. Either talk to your partner about why you're stressed or leave. I think people over complicate things, especially relationships. Even though me and my boyfriend fight every now and then I can't say I ever feel stressed and the good times are definitely worth the bad. You really should tell this girl that you're paranoid and see if there's something she can say to put your mind at ease.

 

[infohippie]

No other girl seems to be like me, menatlly.

I like to see a girl every now and again. Not the next day after. I need recuperation, it's how I was born. No other girl I have met is like that.

Sometimes I just can't stand girls. I don't UNDERSTAND them.
(Being 15 probably doesn't help either.)

Haha, I'm 35 and I still don't understand them. Women are nuts. That's why I've been single for the last two years, I'm tired of dealing with the crazy.
Okay, not quite all women are nuts, just the vast majority. The few I've ever met that seem sane and sensible, unfortunately, I'm just not attracted to.

 

[SckizoBoy]

I would not turn down therapy, but I simply cannot afford it at the moment.

The time or the money? Because if it's the latter, you live in the UK, get a referral via your GP. It may take a while, but you can get NHS based therapy that way.

OT:

I naturally don't find relationships stressful. Those girls/women I've dated have been good to me whether or not as a consequence of my being good to them. I suppose I'm lucky insomuch that while I do have some (read: a lot) of trust and emotional issues, my trust has never been broken.

As for when stressful times come, I take it by that you mean when you argue (about proper serious stuff i.e. cheating/major money issues etc.), I've dealt with them fairly well. Largely by actually talking. IRL I'm relatively taciturn, and when I'm with a girlfriend, I'm much more comfortable in silence than talking. I dislike shouting, but the number of times I've had to (all the while actually agreeing with my ex) makes me weep. Lacking the means to bulldoze a wall, we attempted to climb over it. However, too many falls and too high a final wall will let you guess what happened (as it weren't already clear from the word 'ex'). As a result, I find myself single, uncomprehending (or unaccepting, perhaps) of happy relationships and with enough emotional baggage to sink a container vessel.

And relationships have the potential to bring great hurt or great happiness, it's what the respective partners make of it and the effor they put it. Because if it's 'meant to be', they will one, withstand the shit that happens, two, not fear that which may break the relationship. I thought I was there, but it seems I demanded too much when I asked to be happy.

 

[Rawne1980]

I love my relationship.

I've had quite a few in my time but can't say i've ever found them stressful. I am, however, pretty laid back and confident so i'm rarely bothered by things.

I've always trusted the lass i'm with and if anything happens to break that trust then the relationship ends and I move on. I've never found good reason to sit around and worry about things or cry over them.

When a relationship has ended I know that lass wasn't for me and try again.

I found my wife 7 years ago and so far it's been a really good relationship. I'm not naive enough to believe nothing will ever go wrong but so far nothing has.

 

[ms_sunlight]

Why are you so anxious? Go and see your GP. Seriously.

 

[Haagrum]

Hardly an expert or a wise old man, but will offer the following advice.

1. Relationships are hard. A fling or a friend with benefits, that's easy. You don't get anything near the same satisfaction, because it's nowhere near as much work. Nothing in this world that's worth having comes easily. That said, a relationship shouldn't feel like an obligation. If it does, you probably shouldn't be in it.

2. Get comfortable in your own skin. Jealousy, insecurity, still being hung up on an ex, or any other baggage WILL stuff up a relationship. Don't look for someone to fix you. Fix yourself, then worry about being any good with anyone else. Also, other people probably don't see through you the way you fear they do. Everyone has their own shit to deal with. If they care, they'll look past it if you open up. If they don't, they're not worth your time - at least, not as a potential partner.

3. Figure out what you want. Cliche, yes. Really damn hard to do, too. This doesn't have to be a ten-year plan, though. Figure out what'll get you through each day/week without stressing too much, then do it.

4. Be good to yourself. You're probably a lot better than you give yourself credit for, because otherwise, you wouldn't be worrying. If you're really worried, go talk to someone you trust, or even a counsellor. Then, if you can, go do something you really enjoy and which will help you avoid thinking about it.

Jeez, I'm turning into an old man... but hopefully that helped someone.

Okay, not quite all women are nuts, just the vast majority.

As I've often said... women are crazy, men are stupid, and if everyone just realised that and accepted it, things would be much easier.

 

[Colour Scientist]

Why are you so anxious? Go and see your GP. Seriously.

Yeah this. You never actually mentioned anything any of the girls did to provoke your intense paranoia. If you're so clingy and distrustful that you drive girls away you really do need to see a therapist. Thinking you're in love with a girl after 17 days while not trusting her in any sense of the word isn't even close to healthy behaviour.