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Lyri

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Dec 8, 2008
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I'm pretty certain I'm not the only one here who likes to write up an idea for story every now and again.
It just so happens that inspiration struck me sometime ago and ever since I've been trying to get what's in my head, written down on virtual paper.

I normally have a great difficulty with doing exactly that, it's no hardship creating things but it is a task for me to get it down.
So, if anyone of you wants to take the time, perhaps someone could point me in the right direction?

This is an idea I had, it's just a rough one at that.
A fairly well established bounty hunter has just made a kill, I was thinking this could be some kind of introduction but I don't know if it serves that purpose or not.
?Mankind, is forever.
That's what we told ourselves when the sun burnt out over old Earth, the sky turned black for the last time.
The velvet blanket of our Mother Earth covered us, we cowered down below in fear as we looked up toward the stars and began to dream.
Like the helpless rabble we where, clawing our way back up the cliff, ignoring the sudden drop behind us and an almost inevitable fate.
One night the darkness went away, the sky burned amber as a thousand ships blazed into life on the surface, each a mother holding her children close to her. Carrying humanity from a dead planet and out into dead space.

We left breadcrumb trails of flaming energy behind us, as we crossed borders and boundaries in search of a new utopia.
Somewhere to come home, hang our hat and put our feet up.
It didn't take us long to find somewhere new to colonize, to spread over to infect.
Like a plague we grew, swarmed and covered the New Earth and began to consume once more.
Mankind, The Great Devourer.

Yet I find there is great irony in the fact that we can consume planets, we can outshine suns, we can tear across galaxies and yet, we're still very susceptible to ourselves.
Isn't that right, Mr Oran??

Slumped into a corner, a smoking bullet wound in his left leg, for once in his life Arthur Oran could feel fear.
His icy blue eyes where blurred with moisture as tears began to roll down his face, he was panicking but the gun barrel his lips where wrapped around silenced the worst of them.
His expensive suit had dropped in price, his crotch soiled through the terror.
He'd never been shot before, he'd never felt pain like this, hell he'd never been hunted down like an animal before.
He bit his own bottom lip in agony and looked up, looming over him was his capture, his bottle green eyes looking down on his victim like a wolf looks upon a deer before the kill, lustful and hungry.
There was sinister sneer on his face, Arthur could only imagine the nightmares that could be created by the hands of this man.
?So Arthur, any last words? It's a corny line I know but I gotta ask it?
The sneer shifted to a grin, as he pulled the gun from Arthur's mouth and placed the moist barrel on his forehead instead.
Arthur let out terrified murmuring, through tears and pain he managed to scrape himself enough courage to ask.
?Who the, the hell are you!??

The taste of metal filled Arthur's mouth again, saliva and powder residue mixing together.
?Have you ever heard of Peter and the Wolf, Mister Oran??
He waited for a second, but there would be no nod or any sort of answer forth coming, there never was.
They just cowered there, helpless and alone as he came along to cash in.
?I am Peter's Mercy?
He smiled, as he pulled back the gun from Mister Oran's mouth once more, his lips free once more Arthur sighed, then he screamed.
He grabbed at his arm, blood was staining his suit, bleeding through the exotic fibres.
?I am Peter's wrath?
Another bullet left the chamber and into Arthur's leg, he was screaming more now, blood curdling final screams.
He wouldn't listen though, he didn't care about this one or any of them. They where all the same and they all deserved it, every last one of them.
?I am Peter's vengeance?

He pulled the trigger, again and again emptying bullets in the former body of Mister A. Oran, his body spasms under the gun fire, there was no breath in it anymore but still he kept firing until there was no more to fire.
The last gun shot rang out, there was nothing but a deathly silence in the room now after the echos had drifted into the ether.
He holstered the gun and knelt down in front of the lifeless corpse, blood soaked his pants and covered his hands as he grabbed hold of Arthur's hand.
Take a knife from his boot, he spun it lightly in his fingers first before he cut off Arthur's ring finger.
?It's a shame Mister Oran, mankind might be forever but we can never live with ourselves?

Thanks for looking.
 

Lyri

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Broken Wings said:
That's a pretty cool concept, keep writing even if it's in your spare time and don't plan on doing anything with it, if you ever get an idea I don't care where you are you write that thing down and expand from there, too many great ideas have been lost because people have been too lazy to write them down. Keep it up man.
Thank you, I do like writing but sometimes transcribing my ideas and bringing them to life through the written word, kills me.
So I just give up on it, I'll keep at it though.
 
Apr 28, 2008
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Pretty good, although it was kind of hard to follow who's perspective it was.
And would you be able to split it up a bit, so it doesn't look like a wall of text.


Other than that not bad, some more backstory would also have been nice.
 

Lyri

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Irridium said:
Pretty good, although it was kind of hard to follow who's perspective it was.
And would you be able to split it up a bit, so it doesn't look like a wall of text.


Other than that not bad, some more backstory would also have been nice.
I had a thought that would crop up, the perspective is something I'll have to address it is somewhat, messy we shall say.
I'll also paragraph it better too, thanks for reading.
 

The Great Fa

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Well, I think you have the beginnings of something very readable here. But if I could just give you a few pointers...

This may just be personal taste, but I hope that your narrative style has the potential to lighten up a bit. You're obviously going for something moody, and there's nothing wrong with that, but I foresee having to read this tone over an extended period of time as getting a bit tedious. You don't have to make it all sunshine and lollipops, but a more neutral narrative voice is desirable here. Personally, I would find the lack of grimness from the narrator more disturbing than the presence of it.

I noticed that you're using the omniscient point of view. Now I'm not saying you have to follow the crowd, but the trend in modern sci-fi and fantasy is limited omniscient. If you don't want to do that, that's fine but be careful not to clutter up you scenes with too many opposing thoughts from too many different characters or the whole mess gets too difficult to follow. This scene only has two characters and I could already feel myself having to mentally apply thoughts to their respective thinkers. But then maybe I'm just thick... :p

Finally, don't fall into the trap of lionizing your main character. I know this is only one scene but this guy already seems like an invincible badass who doesn't take nothin' from nobody. There's nothing wrong with reusing such an archetype, but if he really is invincible and infallible, then he's boring and impossible to relate to. We've seen this guy at his best, but that has to contrast sharply with his worst to make a good story.

Man, I probably seem like a real dick now. I'll end this by saying that I did enjoy this snippet and I'd like to read more. I'm genuinely compelled by this character's past and motivations and I think his extreme bearing opens up an easy path for some good development. Keep writing!
 

Julianking93

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Pretty cool concept and a really good story, but not very fact based. I don't think the sun would just burn out
 
Apr 28, 2008
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Julianking93 said:
Pretty cool concept and a really good story, but not very fact based. I don't think the sun would just burn out
It will burn out, just in a billion years or so :p
 

Julianking93

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Irridium said:
Julianking93 said:
Pretty cool concept and a really good story, but not very fact based. I don't think the sun would just burn out
It will burn out, just in a billion years or so :p
But it would blow up first. It would become a red giant, grow out to about Neptune and then explode (or implode cant remember :b) then become a white dwarf then a black hole. I know my shit! :D
 

Lyri

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The Great Fa said:
Well, I think you have the beginnings of something very readable here. But if I could just give you a few pointers...

This may just be personal taste, but I hope that your narrative style has the potential to lighten up a bit. You're obviously going for something moody, and there's nothing wrong with that, but I foresee having to read this tone over an extended period of time as getting a bit tedious. You don't have to make it all sunshine and lollipops, but a more neutral narrative voice is desirable here. Personally, I would find the lack of grimness from the narrator more disturbing than the presence of it.

I noticed that you're using the omniscient point of view. Now I'm not saying you have to follow the crowd, but the trend in modern sci-fi and fantasy is limited omniscient. If you don't want to do that, that's fine but be careful not to clutter up you scenes with too many opposing thoughts from too many different characters or the whole mess gets too difficult to follow. This scene only has two characters and I could already feel myself having to mentally apply thoughts to their respective thinkers. But then maybe I'm just thick... :p

Finally, don't fall into the trap of lionizing your main character. I know this is only one scene but this guy already seems like an invincible badass who doesn't take nothin' from nobody. There's nothing wrong with reusing such an archetype, but if he really is invincible and infallible, then he's boring and impossible to relate to. We've seen this guy at his best, but that has to contrast sharply with his worst to make a good story.

Man, I probably seem like a real dick now. I'll end this by saying that I did enjoy this snippet and I'd like to read more. I'm genuinely compelled by this character's past and motivations and I think his extreme bearing opens up an easy path for some good development. Keep writing!
No no, thank you I appreciate it.
The mood will pick up, but I don't see how pumping someone full of holes is cause for a song and a dance.
This is just one guy with a gun, facing down a wounded man in a corner of a room.
Referring that to "The invincible badass" point, I don't actually get where you see that but I do take the note just the same, It's not something I'm going to do. I can assure you.
I've always been a fan of flaws, I hate superman for the fact that he is captain can't be killed (more or less).

As for the PoV, it needs looking at again, it is a bit sloppy and neither here nor there.

Julianking93 said:
Pretty cool concept and a really good story, but not very fact based. I don't think the sun would just burn out
Right, what's your point?
We're not blazing across space attempting to colonize planets either.
 
Apr 28, 2008
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Julianking93 said:
Irridium said:
Julianking93 said:
Pretty cool concept and a really good story, but not very fact based. I don't think the sun would just burn out
It will burn out, just in a billion years or so :p
But it would blow up first. It would become a red giant, grow out to about Neptune and then explode (or implode cant remember :b) then become a white dwarf then a black hole. I know my shit! :D
And knowing is half the battle.
 

Julianking93

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May 16, 2009
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Wizzie said:
The Great Fa said:
Well, I think you have the beginnings of something very readable here. But if I could just give you a few pointers...

This may just be personal taste, but I hope that your narrative style has the potential to lighten up a bit. You're obviously going for something moody, and there's nothing wrong with that, but I foresee having to read this tone over an extended period of time as getting a bit tedious. You don't have to make it all sunshine and lollipops, but a more neutral narrative voice is desirable here. Personally, I would find the lack of grimness from the narrator more disturbing than the presence of it.

I noticed that you're using the omniscient point of view. Now I'm not saying you have to follow the crowd, but the trend in modern sci-fi and fantasy is limited omniscient. If you don't want to do that, that's fine but be careful not to clutter up you scenes with too many opposing thoughts from too many different characters or the whole mess gets too difficult to follow. This scene only has two characters and I could already feel myself having to mentally apply thoughts to their respective thinkers. But then maybe I'm just thick... :p

Finally, don't fall into the trap of lionizing your main character. I know this is only one scene but this guy already seems like an invincible badass who doesn't take nothin' from nobody. There's nothing wrong with reusing such an archetype, but if he really is invincible and infallible, then he's boring and impossible to relate to. We've seen this guy at his best, but that has to contrast sharply with his worst to make a good story.

Man, I probably seem like a real dick now. I'll end this by saying that I did enjoy this snippet and I'd like to read more. I'm genuinely compelled by this character's past and motivations and I think his extreme bearing opens up an easy path for some good development. Keep writing!
No no, thank you I appreciate it.
The mood will pick up, but I don't see how pumping someone full of holes is cause for a song and a dance.
This is just one guy with a gun, facing down a wounded man in a corner of a room.
Referring that to "The invincible badass" point, I don't actually get where you see that but I do take the note just the same, It's not something I'm going to do. I can assure you.
I've always been a fan of flaws, I hate superman for the fact that he is captain can't be killed (more or less).

As for the PoV, it needs looking at again, it is a bit sloppy and neither here nor there.

Julianking93 said:
Pretty cool concept and a really good story, but not very fact based. I don't think the sun would just burn out
Right, what's your point?
We're not blazing across space attempting to colonize planets either.
No, but it's still a cool story, and we might do that some day! :b

I knew I shouldn't have posted that, but being a dumbass, I did. I'm sorry :( It's a great story and you should continue working on it :)
 

Julianking93

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Irridium said:
Julianking93 said:
Irridium said:
Julianking93 said:
Pretty cool concept and a really good story, but not very fact based. I don't think the sun would just burn out
It will burn out, just in a billion years or so :p
But it would blow up first. It would become a red giant, grow out to about Neptune and then explode (or implode cant remember :b) then become a white dwarf then a black hole. I know my shit! :D
And knowing is half the battle.
It's great to learn!

(Everyone in room): Cause knowledge is power!!!
 

Lyri

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Dec 8, 2008
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Julianking93 said:
no, but it's still a cool story, and we might do that some day! :b
I knew I shouldn't have posted that, but being a dumbass, I did. I'm sorry :( It's a great story and you should continue working on it :)
Lol, it's alright I can take a joke but I did refrain from epic rage posting just then.
 
Apr 28, 2008
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Julianking93 said:
Irridium said:
Julianking93 said:
Irridium said:
Julianking93 said:
Pretty cool concept and a really good story, but not very fact based. I don't think the sun would just burn out
It will burn out, just in a billion years or so :p
But it would blow up first. It would become a red giant, grow out to about Neptune and then explode (or implode cant remember :b) then become a white dwarf then a black hole. I know my shit! :D
And knowing is half the battle.
It's great to learn!

(Everyone in room): Cause knowledge is power!!!
G.I. JOE!!
sorry, I'll go now


And to the OP: keep writing the story, I am interested in reading more of it. It has the potential to be something really great.
 

Julianking93

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May 16, 2009
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Wizzie said:
Julianking93 said:
no, but it's still a cool story, and we might do that some day! :b
I knew I shouldn't have posted that, but being a dumbass, I did. I'm sorry :( It's a great story and you should continue working on it :)
Lol, it's alright I can take a joke but I did refrain from epic rage posting just then.
True, and I thank you for that *bows*
 

Julianking93

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May 16, 2009
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Irridium said:
Julianking93 said:
Irridium said:
Julianking93 said:
Irridium said:
Julianking93 said:
Pretty cool concept and a really good story, but not very fact based. I don't think the sun would just burn out
It will burn out, just in a billion years or so :p
But it would blow up first. It would become a red giant, grow out to about Neptune and then explode (or implode cant remember :b) then become a white dwarf then a black hole. I know my shit! :D
And knowing is half the battle.
It's great to learn!

(Everyone in room): Cause knowledge is power!!!
G.I. JOE!!
sorry, I'll go now


And to the OP: keep writing the story, I am interested in reading more of it. It has the potential to be something really great.
You're the first person that I've told that to whose gotten it
 

chromewarriorXIII

The One with the Cake
Oct 17, 2008
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I think that you have a great start here. There are a few grammatical problems such as "where" instead of "were", but besides that you set a good mood and once you started the action you kept it going well.
 

Lyri

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chromewarriorXIII said:
I think that you have a great start here. There are a few grammatical problems such as "where" instead of "were", but besides that you set a good mood and once you started the action you kept it going well.
Heh, I can slip up on the old grammer every now and again, I'm also using Open Office which I believe doesn't have an inbuilt grammer check.
So it leaves me a little out sometimes, but hey, live and learn.

Thanks for the critic.