Take a look if you will.

[Julianking93]

You're the first person that I've told that to whose gotten it

Really?!
Wow, suprising.

Yeah, I know. It's bullshit.

 

[LongAndShort]

Good stuff. I agree that there were problems with perspective. Even in third person (omniscient) you should keep to just one character's thoughts per scene, or make a clear change when you're switching perspectives, for example something as simple as starting a new paragraph.

I'd also make the suggestion of taking the monologue and giving it to another character. You don't want to make your protagonist to preachy. If you start him with long monologues now, you'll have to continue them throughout the book to maintain his character, and that could get annoying for the reader. Maybe Mister Oran could be giving the speech before the protagonist shoots him first in the leg. Sort of an attempt at reasoning with him maybe? You should read some of Cormac Mcarthy's books, he does this spectacularly. But the whole "Peter's Mercy...Peter's Vengeance" thing was great.

I'd also recommend Le Carre's works for study, as he's excellent at conveying complex ideas to the reader with a minimum of dialogue, such as the traits of his characters (thereby reducing the size of Back story), Matthew Reilly, not the best writer but his action scenes can be great and inspirational, and John Birmingham, a very solid writer, who does stuff similar to yours (of particular not would be his latest four books, World War 2.1, World War 2.2 and World War 2.3 and Without Warning). If i learnt won thing in English, it was that studying others can massively improve your own work.

Hope I was helpful without being a arse hole or telling you things you already knew.

 

[The_Chief]

awesome.

 

[Lyri]

Good stuff. I agree that there were problems with perspective. Even in third person (omniscient) you should keep to just one character's thoughts per scene, or make a clear change when you're switching perspectives, for example something as simple as starting a new paragraph.

I'd also make the suggestion of taking the monologue and giving it to another character. You don't want to make your protagonist to preachy. If you start him with long monologues now, you'll have to continue them throughout the book to maintain his character, and that could get annoying for the reader. Maybe Mister Oran could be giving the speech before the protagonist shoots him first in the leg. Sort of an attempt at reasoning with him maybe? You should read some of Cormac Mcarthy's books, he does this spectacularly. But the whole "Peter's Mercy...Peter's Vengeance" thing was great.

I'd also recommend Le Carre's works for study, as he's excellent at conveying complex ideas to the reader with a minimum of dialogue, such as the traits of his characters (thereby reducing the size of Back story), Matthew Reilly, not the best writer but his action scenes can be great and inspirational, and John Birmingham, a very solid writer, who does stuff similar to yours (of particular not would be his latest four books, World War 2.1, World War 2.2 and World War 2.3 and Without Warning). If i learnt won thing in English, it was that studying others can massively improve your own work.

Hope I was helpful without being a arse hole or telling you things you already knew.

No thank you for your advice, I'll check out those authors too.

awesome.

Thank you