I'm Rick James *****!!Ice Azure said:
Whenever I see a globe the only thing to say is 'I used to have one of them, it meant the world to me'
That Joke
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Whenever I see a globe the only thing to say is 'I used to have one of them, it meant the world to me'
No-one generally ASKS me to tell a joke, but occasionally i'll use one to break the tension if nobody is drunk enough to be laughed at yet. My go to one is...
"I was sitting on the bus, and this hot asian chick sat next to me, and i'm all like "oh god, don't get a boner, don't get a boner..."
... But she did"
"I was sitting on the bus, and this hot asian chick sat next to me, and i'm all like "oh god, don't get a boner, don't get a boner..."
... But she did"
A man walks into a shop and asks for some helicopter flavoured chips. The guy behind the counter says "Sorry, we only have plain."
The tomato family are walking down the street. Baby tomato starts lagging behind and papa tomato gets really mad so he steps on him. He says, "Ketchup."
I stole this joke from a movie. Buuut which one!
I stole this joke from a movie. Buuut which one!
Unfortunately, my "that joke" is a dead baby joke. And unless you have a certain dark sense of humour, it won't even seem like a joke at all. I really have to pick my audiences with that one.
But never fear, I have another.
A man walks into a bar with a giraffe. He pulls up a stool and the giraffe takes a seat on the floor. The bartender looks at the man and says: "Hey, you can't leave that lyin' there!"
The man replies: "That's not a lion, that's a giraffe".
But never fear, I have another.
A man walks into a bar with a giraffe. He pulls up a stool and the giraffe takes a seat on the floor. The bartender looks at the man and says: "Hey, you can't leave that lyin' there!"
The man replies: "That's not a lion, that's a giraffe".
NIIIICE. I'll have to remember that one.Epilepsy said:
Also,
A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel hanging from the fly of his pants.
The Bartender says, "Hey, buddy. What's that for?"
"Arr, I dunno,' says the pirate, 'but it be drivin' me nuts."
"Have you heard the story of the empty box...? Meh, you wouldn't like it. There's nothing in it."
This was passed down by my grandad. I guess that makes it the closest thing to an heirloom my family has.
I'm sad now.
This was passed down by my grandad. I guess that makes it the closest thing to an heirloom my family has.
I'm sad now.
This is kind of a pick-up line, but: "Hey, you have a beautiful voice. It would sound even better muffled by my penis".
Taken from the movie Cedar Rapids but still a good (and slightly disgusting) joke:
What do you call an anorexic with a yeast infection?
A quarter-pounder with cheese.
What do you call an anorexic with a yeast infection?
A quarter-pounder with cheese.
For pure wrongness - A baby seal walks into a club...
For people with longer attention spans -
A duck walks into a bar and hops up onto the stool. It looks at the bartender and asks, "Hey bartender! Got any corn?" The bartender, after recovering from his shock, stammers out "N-no."
The duck asks him "Got corn?" again. The bartender says "No" again.
"Got corn?" "No."
"Got corn?" "No."
"Got corn?" "No!"
"Got corn?" "NO!"
"Got corn?" "NO, and if you ask again, I'll nail your damn beak to the bar!"
The duck pauses to consider this.
"Hey bartender! Got nails?" "NO!" "Got corn?"
For people with longer attention spans -
A duck walks into a bar and hops up onto the stool. It looks at the bartender and asks, "Hey bartender! Got any corn?" The bartender, after recovering from his shock, stammers out "N-no."
The duck asks him "Got corn?" again. The bartender says "No" again.
"Got corn?" "No."
"Got corn?" "No."
"Got corn?" "No!"
"Got corn?" "NO!"
"Got corn?" "NO, and if you ask again, I'll nail your damn beak to the bar!"
The duck pauses to consider this.
"Hey bartender! Got nails?" "NO!" "Got corn?"