Aside from the obvious, I think a little background information about me is necessary in relation to addressing the title of this thread. I'm 19 years old (on Monday, that is), and I love watching TV thrillers, films, and anime. It is one of the few things in my life that give me genuine joy and pleasure, and I have memories of just sitting there watching episode after episode without boredom and just getting myself lost in the world of these characters. I know I'm not unique in this regard, but I just want to say how much entertainment media means to me, and that I probably wouldn't have much to smile or laugh about without it.
That's why I say two of the worst things about obsessive-compulsive disorder for me are 1) that I've been feeling for the last couple of years that I have to be in the right frame of mind and mood, at the right time, in the right place, to watch a certain film or TV series online (the "online" part being important, since there are a lot more distractions that I seem to be more susceptible to due to my easiness to fall into "compulsion traps" and, likely, a lot of my generation's low attention span thanks to computer addiction). But, a great deal of the time, it seems as if this kind of annoyingly specific criteria is almost impossible to attain, which leads to much procrastination and also frustration as my friends talk so much about their enjoyment of such acclaimed series as Orange is the New Black and Homeland, so I just forgo it altogether.
Free time isn't even the problem for me; in the summer, with no work to do nor anywhere to go on holiday (finances and my mother and sister's comparative lack of free time being the problem - we couldn't go on holiday until a week last October, to Germany, during my school's half-term), and I had planned for myself to while my days away watching the entire series of Breaking Bad, upon my sister's recommendation. Yet, despite having made a point of doing so, each day went past without me watching a single episode, constantly procrastinating over doing something which should've given me so much fun and contentment with practically no effort required. But my brain wouldn't let that. It needed me to be hassled. It said, "You won't be able to concentrate; you might as well just try and kill the time doing the other unimportant stuff you HAVE to, for some inexplicable reason. It's futile to try and relax and enjoy your life. You don't deserve that, and I won't tell you why."
That was how I felt at the time...and kinda how I feel now (otherwise, I wouldn't be telling you it). I still want to watch Kill la Kill, but I just haven't got round to doing it. It's not about priorities either; my entire schedule of things are whacked in terms of priority, because I can't prioritize to save my life. I would quite carelessly watch an entire Game Grumps playthrough on the eve of having a Psychology mock exam, having not done sufficient revision for it - but I would still do it. That's laziness and weakness and disorderliness, which I cannot stand and it's something I criticize others for, yet I cannot follow my own advice. It's rather sickening.
2) I'm always second-guessing myself, no matter how I hard I try not to have a defeatist attitude and look on the bright side of things. But that takes more energy than just simply allowing myself to descend into pessimism and believe that the world is a cruel, unforgiving place that's pitted against me and blah blah blah [insert childish self-centred emo bullshit here]. I hate that I think like that. I don't want to think like that, because it means I won't be able to achieve my dreams. Just like last night, I was out with my friends and my friend - a rather brash lad inexplicably popular with the opposite sex despite his underlying sexism and general asshole-ness - suggested I talk to some girls. I was drunk and wanting to overcome myself instinctively believing that women simply won't respond favourably to me (I don't have that many female friends either - I used to, but we drifted apart, as you do, sometimes). The reason I subconsciously believe this is because, for whatever reason, I haven't had a serious girlfriend ever, while the majority of my friends have since they were at least 14. I try not to care, but I really do.
So, anyway, I tried talking to this girl, awkwardly saying whatever small talk my vodka-addled brain could come up with (stuff like "Are you having a good night?" and "I'm a psychologist"), but it's hard for me to talk to a girl I don't know without being/sounding creepy, and eventually I just asked her for her phone number. She subsequently said "No. Could you go away, please?", and when I slinked off back to my friend group, my asshole friend said, "When you asked for her number, you should've taken out your mobile so she couldn't say no" - some kind of social interaction logic that I couldn't fathom, because I don't see how it'd make a difference. It's not the rejection I give a damn about it - everyone has to deal with that, and I'd be an arrogant fool if I thought I had the entitlement to be accepted by any prospective romantic partner I encountered - but at that moment she said what she said, I just felt like I'd become what I feared: one of those creepy sex predators in the making that are quoted on feminist blogs and sexism hashtags as evidence of their attitude towards women. I don't want to be like those people. I want a girlfriend for the same reasons anyone else wants a girlfriend: love, comfort, contentment, security...being able to just hug someone and it would just feel right and you wouldn't even have to say any words because they'd rely on you and you'd rely on them. Is it because, deep down, I don't let myself truly enjoy the little things and they can smell how un-confident they are off the bat? So I figured I might as well accept my fate as an adult virgin who'll never have a girlfriend and will fail in his career and just wind up committing suicide at 30.
I know life isn't all about fun, and I know I just sound like some whiny teenager with First World problems. But...I can't help but feeling so repressed all the goddamn time. I don't know how to even explain it to myself, let alone other people, because how can someone else understand what you're going through unless they've experienced it themselves. That's how empathy works, isn't it? Sure, I could sympathize for someone who's been tortured in a cell for six months, but unless I actually know what that's like myself, I simply can't legitimately try to comfort them after their ordeal by saying, "I know how you feel". That would be a lie. Sympathy and empathy are different. I wish I could just rewire my brain and think right again, and be like everyone else. Anyone tells you they want or like to be different; they're telling you a fucking lie. Even hipsters just end up looking like other hipsters, which defeats the purpose of what you're trying to present to the world as your "identity". I am identity-less. What's the point of struggling to live through day after day after day after day if you're going to be doing it for the rest of your life towards some far-off and impossible goal of happiness and being the person you want to be...when you can't possibly see it ever happening? Miracles don't exist, and God, who I don't think exists either, shows no mercy. Otherwise, he would to me, because I'm a decent human being with blemishes like everyone else and what more can I do than try to improve myself as a civilized member of society?
Anyway, share with me your thoughts, abuse, advice, whatever.
That's why I say two of the worst things about obsessive-compulsive disorder for me are 1) that I've been feeling for the last couple of years that I have to be in the right frame of mind and mood, at the right time, in the right place, to watch a certain film or TV series online (the "online" part being important, since there are a lot more distractions that I seem to be more susceptible to due to my easiness to fall into "compulsion traps" and, likely, a lot of my generation's low attention span thanks to computer addiction). But, a great deal of the time, it seems as if this kind of annoyingly specific criteria is almost impossible to attain, which leads to much procrastination and also frustration as my friends talk so much about their enjoyment of such acclaimed series as Orange is the New Black and Homeland, so I just forgo it altogether.
Free time isn't even the problem for me; in the summer, with no work to do nor anywhere to go on holiday (finances and my mother and sister's comparative lack of free time being the problem - we couldn't go on holiday until a week last October, to Germany, during my school's half-term), and I had planned for myself to while my days away watching the entire series of Breaking Bad, upon my sister's recommendation. Yet, despite having made a point of doing so, each day went past without me watching a single episode, constantly procrastinating over doing something which should've given me so much fun and contentment with practically no effort required. But my brain wouldn't let that. It needed me to be hassled. It said, "You won't be able to concentrate; you might as well just try and kill the time doing the other unimportant stuff you HAVE to, for some inexplicable reason. It's futile to try and relax and enjoy your life. You don't deserve that, and I won't tell you why."
That was how I felt at the time...and kinda how I feel now (otherwise, I wouldn't be telling you it). I still want to watch Kill la Kill, but I just haven't got round to doing it. It's not about priorities either; my entire schedule of things are whacked in terms of priority, because I can't prioritize to save my life. I would quite carelessly watch an entire Game Grumps playthrough on the eve of having a Psychology mock exam, having not done sufficient revision for it - but I would still do it. That's laziness and weakness and disorderliness, which I cannot stand and it's something I criticize others for, yet I cannot follow my own advice. It's rather sickening.
2) I'm always second-guessing myself, no matter how I hard I try not to have a defeatist attitude and look on the bright side of things. But that takes more energy than just simply allowing myself to descend into pessimism and believe that the world is a cruel, unforgiving place that's pitted against me and blah blah blah [insert childish self-centred emo bullshit here]. I hate that I think like that. I don't want to think like that, because it means I won't be able to achieve my dreams. Just like last night, I was out with my friends and my friend - a rather brash lad inexplicably popular with the opposite sex despite his underlying sexism and general asshole-ness - suggested I talk to some girls. I was drunk and wanting to overcome myself instinctively believing that women simply won't respond favourably to me (I don't have that many female friends either - I used to, but we drifted apart, as you do, sometimes). The reason I subconsciously believe this is because, for whatever reason, I haven't had a serious girlfriend ever, while the majority of my friends have since they were at least 14. I try not to care, but I really do.
So, anyway, I tried talking to this girl, awkwardly saying whatever small talk my vodka-addled brain could come up with (stuff like "Are you having a good night?" and "I'm a psychologist"), but it's hard for me to talk to a girl I don't know without being/sounding creepy, and eventually I just asked her for her phone number. She subsequently said "No. Could you go away, please?", and when I slinked off back to my friend group, my asshole friend said, "When you asked for her number, you should've taken out your mobile so she couldn't say no" - some kind of social interaction logic that I couldn't fathom, because I don't see how it'd make a difference. It's not the rejection I give a damn about it - everyone has to deal with that, and I'd be an arrogant fool if I thought I had the entitlement to be accepted by any prospective romantic partner I encountered - but at that moment she said what she said, I just felt like I'd become what I feared: one of those creepy sex predators in the making that are quoted on feminist blogs and sexism hashtags as evidence of their attitude towards women. I don't want to be like those people. I want a girlfriend for the same reasons anyone else wants a girlfriend: love, comfort, contentment, security...being able to just hug someone and it would just feel right and you wouldn't even have to say any words because they'd rely on you and you'd rely on them. Is it because, deep down, I don't let myself truly enjoy the little things and they can smell how un-confident they are off the bat? So I figured I might as well accept my fate as an adult virgin who'll never have a girlfriend and will fail in his career and just wind up committing suicide at 30.
I know life isn't all about fun, and I know I just sound like some whiny teenager with First World problems. But...I can't help but feeling so repressed all the goddamn time. I don't know how to even explain it to myself, let alone other people, because how can someone else understand what you're going through unless they've experienced it themselves. That's how empathy works, isn't it? Sure, I could sympathize for someone who's been tortured in a cell for six months, but unless I actually know what that's like myself, I simply can't legitimately try to comfort them after their ordeal by saying, "I know how you feel". That would be a lie. Sympathy and empathy are different. I wish I could just rewire my brain and think right again, and be like everyone else. Anyone tells you they want or like to be different; they're telling you a fucking lie. Even hipsters just end up looking like other hipsters, which defeats the purpose of what you're trying to present to the world as your "identity". I am identity-less. What's the point of struggling to live through day after day after day after day if you're going to be doing it for the rest of your life towards some far-off and impossible goal of happiness and being the person you want to be...when you can't possibly see it ever happening? Miracles don't exist, and God, who I don't think exists either, shows no mercy. Otherwise, he would to me, because I'm a decent human being with blemishes like everyone else and what more can I do than try to improve myself as a civilized member of society?
Anyway, share with me your thoughts, abuse, advice, whatever.