The Joke Topic (literally)

[Spudgun Man]

This one is thanks to the comedian in Fallout 2.

'Why did the radscorpion cross the road?'

'To escape the nuclear fallout partices.'

'Get it, the joke is that he wouldn't have to since he is already mutated.'

I shot him for that.

 

[jdog345]

I know what you're talking about, but I heard the joke from somewhere else.

 

[Broken Orange]

All right I am back with some more 'jokes'. Sorry about those last post, I am just allergic to hyper-critical jerks.

*4 there are three adventurers who are exploring the amazon and they are captured by a tribe of cannibales. So they take them back to their Chief and he tells them "We can let you live only if you do this one thing. You need to go out in to the jungle and bring back ten fruit and don't even try to escape." so the three adventurers, wanting to live, go out to serch for the ten fruits. The first one comes back with ten apples. The chief says to him "Now, we need you to place these fruit up your butt with out making any expresions or we will cut your head off and make you into a stew". so as he places the first up his bum, he whinces and they slice his head and places him in a pot. then the second one comes back with ten cherries. the Chief tells him the same thing and then adventurers #2 starts to place 1, then 2, 3, 4, 5 6, but as he starts up with the 7th one, he looks up and then he laughs. Up in heaven, the 1st adventurers asks #2 "why did you laugh? you were almost done! #2 says "I saw the third guy with pineapples."



this one was long enough for one post. I will be back with some shorter ones.

 

[Guerrilla1]

so a duck walks into a general store and says--

Duck: do you got any gwapes?

Cashier: no, fresh out

Duck: so, do you got any gwapes?

Cashier: no

Duck: so, do you got any gwapes?

Cashier: no!

Duck: so, do you got any gwapes?

Cashier: no, and if you ask me again, i will staple your feet to the floor

Duck: so, do you got any staples?

Cashier: no?

Duck: so, do you got any gwapes?

 

[Broken Orange]

*5 What is brown and sticky?
A Stick!

*6 Why do cows have bells on their necks?
Because their horns don't work!

*7 A neutron walks into a bar and says "I'd like a beer".
The bartender promptly serves up a beer.
"How much will that be?" asks the neutron.
"For you?" replies the bartender, "no charge"

 

[sgtshock]

A programmer and an engineer working for the same company are eating lunch together. The programmer suddenly says "Let's play a game. We ask eachother questions, and if we can't guess them, we give the other person five dollars."

The engineer, too busy enjoying his meal, declines. Then the programmer says: "Okay, how about you give me $5 if you can't answer my question, but I give you $100 if I can't answer your question.

Intrigued, the engineer says: "Okay, shoot."

"What is the distance from the Earth to the moon?" the programmer asks. Stumped, the engineer hands over $5. Then he says to the programmer: "Okay then. What has 3 legs, 1 face, runs during the day, and sits at night?"

The programmer thinks about it, but can't quite figure it out. He spends the rest of the lunch hour trying to figure out the answer, and finally conceits, and hands over a hundred dollar bill. "So what was the answer?" the programmer asks the engineer.

The engineer reaches into his pocket, pulls out a five, and hands it to the programmer.

 

[quiet_samurai]

What do you call a black guy that flies a plane?


A pilot you racist!


What do you call a Chinese guy that flies a plane?


A pirate!

 

[Sneaky Paladin]

what do you do if a blonde throws a grenade at you?

pull the pin and throw it back

 

[Korolev]

There once was a humanoid robot, whose programming cause it to take words too literally. One day, he noticed that he was running low on power, so he went to a fair and killed 10 people.

When he was asked why, the robot replied - "I thought I could be charged with homocide".

That was a terrible joke.

 

[horheus]

-When I die, I want to die like my grandfather, in my sleep. Not like the other people in the car, screaming.

-Mom, mom, can I cut off dad's ear?
-Not yet honey, let him boil for at least 10 minutes...a little bit on the unethical side

Her: Honey, today is our 20th anniversary.
Him: Yay...
Her: Do you remember our wedding?
Him: (bored) Of course honey.
Her: We left the church...
Him: Yes...
Her: I started running towards the park...
Him: Yes...
Her: You caught me...you squeezed my thighs...
Him: I should have squeezed your throat...I would still have gotten 20 years, but at least I would be free now!

Two guys talking in the bar:
-Hey, are you interested in a threesome?
-Of course!
-Well if you hurry home you can still catch some.

Sadistic joke Warning
On April Fools Day, the child says to his mother:
-Mom, dad hanged himself in the garage.
-Oh my god...
-Haha mom, April Fools, he hanged himself in the attic.

A blonde goes into a hat shop. After trying all of them she finally finds one she likes.
-How much will this cost me? she asks
-Free of charge. This is the one you came in with.

A journalist goes to an insane asylum to ask about the tests that show if a man is crazy or not.
Dr: -First, we fill a bathtub with water, then we put an empty glass and a teaspoon on the side.
The journalist, smiling: Any sane person would take the empty glass.
Dr: -Any sane person would pull the plug. Would you like a bed near the door or the window?

Mysoiginistic joke warning:
A man is beating his wife outside of his house.
A passer-by: -What the hell are you doing man?
-I'm fixing my washing machine.

In rehab, a man wakes up. The doctor walks up t him and says:
-I have some good news and some bad news.
-What's the bad news.
-We were forced to amputate both your hands.
-Oh my god...and the good news?
-My son is going to university!!

Some friends, at a bar, having fun. Only one of them is sad.
-What's the problem, mate?
-I just found out that my wife has AIDS.
Awkward silence.
-I was just kidding guys, why are you so pale all of a sudden?

Question: Can we get AIDS from another person off the toilet seat?
Answer: Only if the other person is still on the toilet seat.

 

[Compatriot Block]

I can't believe I heard this from my old Math teacher. Best. Class. Ever.

Two zebras are talking and one asks the other, "Am I black with white stripes or white with black stripes?" The other replies, "Well I don't know. You should pray to God about that and ask him." So that night he did and God replied, "You are what you are." The next day he said to the other zebra, "I still don't understand what I am because God just said, You are what you are." The second zebra responds, "You must be white with black stripes or else God would have said, Yo is what yo is."

 

[TIMESWORDSMAN]

A bear and a rabbit where taking a shit in the the forest. The bear asked the rabbit "Do have any problems with shit sticking to your fur?" and the rabbit said "No, Never." So the bear wiped his ass with the rabbit.

It was the only joke I could remember at the moment. It's not as funny in text.

 

[TIMESWORDSMAN]

Two cannibals where eating a clown. The first cannibal said "Hey, Does this taste funny to you?"

Thats one of my uncles jokes.

 

[Thanatos34]

An atheist is running through a forest with a bear chasing after him. He trips over a log, and the bear rears up, ready to kill him with a single blow.

The atheist is terrified that he is going to die, and without really thinking about what he was going to say, he yells out, "Oh god, I don't want to die!"

Time seems to stop, and then God speaks to him. "Are you serious? All your life, you haven't believed in me, and now that you're about to die, you suddenly expect me to help you out?"

The atheist is shocked at first, but quickly recovers and pleads with God to give him just one wish. God gives in. "All right, what do you want me to do?"

And the atheist says, "God, please make that bear a Christian."

Time unfreezes, and the bear stops what he is doing, and suddenly sits down and folds his paws. "Dear God, thank you for this food I am about to receive..."

 

[Nickflip]

Why were the little strawberries upset?

because they were in a jam.

 

[Broken Orange]

*8 This man goes to a bar and ask "what is the special?" and the bartender told him it was the grasshopper. So the man orders a grasshopper and while he was walking home, he sees a grasshoper. He says "Hey, did you know that there is a drink name after you?" Then the grasshopper says "There's a drink call Irving?"

*9 What is black and white and red all over?
Sunburned zebra, news paper or some other punch line

 

[blankedboy]

Welcome to the Escapist.
2 men walk into a bar the third one ducks. In case you can't tell, that's the worst joke I've ever heard

Strange,
I've heard a similar one...

3 men walk into a bar. You'd think the third one would duck...

 

[SpartanTnT]

Ok, following a dead baby joke, here is just a really corny joke.
A pony and a humming bird were hanging out. The humming bird started to sing a song, and the pony really liked it, so the pony started to sing too. After the pony finished singing, it asked the humming bird how he did, and humming bird replied, "Your a little hoarse."

 

[Tharwen]

I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary?" It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation."Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said.So I suggested, "How about the kitchen?" And that's when the fight started....

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table. My wife asked, 'Do you know her?''Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.''My God!' said my wife, 'who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'And then the fight started...

I take it back, you ruined FOUR JOKES by saying "And that's when the fight started." When telling a joke, the punch line should ALWAYS be the last thing you say. Adding anything after that kills the joke every time.

Just because you belive it, id dosn't make it true, mr. President

I think Mr. President here is right