The R Word

[Chairman Miaow]

snip

I must say, congratulations on having the bravery to face your fears and try to.... accept them. I'm not sure that's the right word or way to say it, but I hope my meaning comes across, as I know that it can be very insulting to have someone to tell you to get past it or whatever. I also must say, it must have taken just as much courage to read these comments as it did to write this article, I haven't read all of them, but I have seen a few cruel ones, and this is the internet, so I would expect more. Ramzal mentioned the need for an indomitable will, and to be able to read these comments knowing the internet, you must have it.

 

[Ramzal]

I'm sorry if this sounds insensitive but, Mr. Anonymous, you need to stop having the mentality of a fucking victim. You need to stop being a coward, trying as you do to block out anything to do with rape. It only represses your emotions and thus gives them more control over you. You need to stop living in fear.

You can do it. You know how I know that you can do it? Because when I was a wee lad of 4 I was raped multiple times. I repressed it. It haunted my dreams for 14 years until I re-experienced it in its totality when I was 18. It was the fucking worse thing ever but it still wasn't enough. After that I had 5 imaginary death experiences that were at least as painful as my initial re-experience. Even after that I had to quit my university for a few semesters because I found myself to be now so incapable of dealing with any stress that I would go into a state of paralytic shock for hours on ends at the simplest demands. Hell, it's only now that I've finally got over my subconscious fear of intimacy that has prevented me from forming any kind of sexual relationship.

But you know what? I got the fuck over it. Sure, my rape is still an uncomfortable subject but I didn't have to spend two damn weeks of suffering to write this post. As for the subject of rape in general I'm fine with it. I don't get offended at the use of rape in media or in the news or by punk-ass kids on Xbox. That's because I've learned to accept it and integrate it. I am no longer afraid because instead of repressing and running away from my fears I have the courage to confront them.

Mr. Anonymous you, sir, are a damn coward right now. You're letting your fears govern your life and the more you continue to run away from your fears the more they will own you. You don't have to be a coward, Mr. Anonymous, you can find the courage to confront your fears if you just get out of the mentality of being permanently damaged. No matter what anyone tells you, you don't have to be a damaged man.

Dude...the fuck?

I was never raped, and hopefully I never will be. You were. You know how painful, how traumatizing it is. Why in the FUCK would you rip on this guy, or call him a coward? he made it clear that rape isn't something to "overcome" or a challenge you can grow from. its something you carry with you for the rest of you're life. clearly the two of you disagree, because you seem to think it's just another part of life, or something you can "roll with"

Im really happy that you no longer suffer from trauma or fears, but for christ's sake, have some sympathy for the guy. as someone who suffered as you did, try and understand, like I, and everyone else is.

Erm... it's kind of ironic that you asked the guy to have sympathy and at the same time criticized him for his emotional response. It's understandable that he gets pissed off when he sees in others the destructive weakness that he had to overcome himself. His criticism may seem harsh to us, but it is clearly aimed at helping that guy. I doubt you or I could possibly understand what either person went through, and I'm fairly certain we don't have a place in the conversation of how to deal with it. Plus, he apologized for the apparent insensitivity of his argument at the outset.

Yeah...to be completely honest, I didn't read every page of comments after reading the article (and didn't see the apology come up) and so when I first read Iron Lightning's post I was a little...excited. I did go back and edit my post. so hopefully that will clear things up.

I agree with Iron Lightning. Part of growing up is to take all of these things that happen to you and grow past them. Bad things happen. We have to accept them and move on. Even more, I have to ask everyone something. Stop having pity for us or anyone who has gone through this. Yes, it is terrible to happen. But we do not deserve any special treatment for the short comings in our lives. People are strong to move past this. Allow us to without thinking we are broken, or that we will suffer forever.

Mahatma Gandhi once said that: "Strength does not come from physical capacity. It comes from an indomitable will." People cannot build that will when they are given special treatment, or pity, or feel that we need to be picked up or even understood -just- because something happened to us. If you think about it, the average person looks at someone who has been raped like a broken mirror, that with enough tender love and care, it can be fixed. That's just not true. And in treating people who have been raped as such, you are not doing them a favor. But rather an injustice.

I do not expect free money to come to me because I am of african american blood and my ancestors were treated harshly. I expect to work for my money and rewards. I do not ask for free money for college because I am 1/16th native american and some have had their land stolen. And I do not ask to be treated like a hero because I have been to war, fought, and nearly died for whatever purpose it truly may have been, I simply ask to be treated like you--yourself would wish to be treated. Without exception, with fairness, and goodwill.

I, and many like myself are strong enough to move past the dark parts in our lives and see the light. (And no, that is not a religious statement) But people must allow others--like the Author of the article--to move past this, rather than bellow in his misery.

Rape is a word. That is all it is. Just like many other words that are hateful like a word that starts with "N". Or "S." Any you can think of. It's the action, not the word that we should be against.

I think I should make myself clear. Not everyone deals with trauma the same. Some people, Like you and Iron lightning, are able to turn yourselves into gruff survivalists who turn their horrible experiences into things they can grow from. and good on you for doing that. HOWEVER, what is good for the goose is not good for the Gander, and how you have dealt with you're trauma and past experience's is not how the author will deal with it. Gandhi said a lot of thing's, but Gandhi was never raped by another man. neither was I, and neither were you (I assume and hope) so we can't judge him for dealing with his trauma in his own way.

It's not about becoming a "gruff survivalist" It's about growing. Bad things happen in life, every day. And not enough dry heaving over toilets, or people saying "I'm so sorry" can fix that. It is up the individual. Do you wish to know why I find the author a coward? What he is typing is an attempt for attention. He is literally living -in- his poor history rather living his life. I've had more than enough drunk nights on my couch as I wake up to an angry wife in the morning to finally realize the difference.

Honestly, any short comings in my life are just that. Short comings. I've taken being raped at a young age by my own father as nothing more than a bone that was broken. It hurt for awhile, but it healed with time. I found that the more people who told me "I am so sorry that happened to you.." or "You must be going through such a terrible time..." or my favorite "It's not your fault." I found myself sinking -deeper- into the depression of the event because those statements -make- you feel like you were a victim.

Me and Iron are not a rare type of people this happens to. We're just people who decided that enough is enough. I know plenty of other people that this has happened to. Those extremely close to me as well, women and men alike. And for the majority the women I know have taken it much better than I thought. Two in which shrugged when I brought up this subject and said "People need to put their big girl panties on and learn to suck it up. Bad stuff happens to everyone."

These people live their lives without triggers, frequent nightmares or crying fits/gaining weight. That in itself is strength. True strength. Weakness in yourself calls for attention like the Author does. Things happen. But what truly---TRULY upsets me is the fact that the Author is in a position that he is speaking for -everyone- who has gone through this or that all of us---even a majority of us react from being raped as he does. Which is simply not true.

You want to know what the real monstrosity of rape comes from? The people who are killed before, during or after the fact. They never had a CHANCE to get stronger, or move past it because that chance was stolen from them. And it happens all over the world, Africa, Korea, Europe, even in the United States does this occur. But you want to feel sorry for someone who is still alive and has a chance to move past this issue when there are people who were killed just so they could be -easier- to rape?

I know exactly what the Author has been through. But I have no sympathy for him. Or care. How he deals with that issue now is my greatest nightmare for anything that has ever traumatized me, to lay battered, beaten and DEFEATED by something that is not physical anymore but rather as loose, and hanging there like a dream--the past. To live is to acknowledge the past, live in the present to build for the future.

His reaction and explanations come from nothing but the kind of person who has been traumatized but chooses to have it hold him back. He is strong enough to move past it. He is. Anyone is, but this is not subject of "Everyone deals about it differently" but rather him not dealing with it at all. I've needed no pills, some sessions with a therapist when I was younger, and no pity to get past it. It's a matter of seeing what happened to you before as the past and not allow it to define you.

The author has chosen for it to define him. I will not. Now do you wish to lecture me again on the subject of how to deal with being raped by a man (My own father no less), when I have already stated that I have been previously? I do not need your assumptions or your hope as it has already happened. And honestly...so what that it has.

Hey guys, let me just say a few things:

I understand why you were upset by my article, I really do. If I had read this article two years ago I'd be right there with you, completely outraged, completely pissed off. How dare this guy make people think all of us are delicate porcelain dolls like him? How dare he just sit there, being a victim? And most of all, where the fuck does he get off speaking for everyone? (This, by the way, is why I started the article saying "I only speak for myself here.")

After all, I had gotten over it, why couldn't they?

The problem was, I hadn't gotten over it. I'd had five years where I was almost entirely symptom-free, or at least free from the most obvious symptoms like flashbacks and intrusive thoughts. That was due to my being in a less stressful living environment where I was able to more easily bury my past. Looking back, I can now see that though I thought I didn't have symptoms, this was actually the time when I was most effectively self-medicating with alcohol and when my dating problems were at their worst. It wasn't gone, it was just dormant, and growing. The problem with this kind of trauma is that it's like a vermin infestation -- the longer you pretend it doesn't exist the worse it gets.

That period ended when I took a new job that was much more stressful. Gradually my symptoms of depression increased, and my self-medication with alcohol went on the upswing. This was the worst period for me, and though I didn't understand what was happening until afterward, I was just about to take the first big drop on the roller coaster of depression.

It was during this time when I would become the most angry and defensive about this type of article. The point when I was the most convinced that I was getting along fine and that the people writing these things just had to toughen up and face the world. You're a rape victim? Oh boo hoo, so am I. I never needed therapy or told my story on the Internet. What did these people want, attention?

In retrospect, it was obvious how deeply in denial I was. The reason these articles made me so angry and upset was because they were showing vulnerability, and I'd been taught that the only way to live with myself was not not have that vulnerability. Without realizing it I was still dancing to the rapist's tune: "Forget this happened. Don't talk about it. Don't tell people about it. Don't even think about it." I had learned that the best way to deal with it was to disconnect my emotions from it and soldier on -- and yeah, that can be useful sometimes in the short term. Sometimes you need to do that to get through the day, or get through the week. I get that, I've been there. That's a part of emotional control. But eventually, you realize you're using it to get through life, and that's not healthy.

I'm going to tell you something that sucks a lot, and you're probably not going to believe me: to process the emotions you're actually going to have to feel them. I tell you that because when I got the most angry about articles like this one was right before I had my worst episode of depression. I was trying to pack down the feelings and I was failing. I'd ignored them for too long and they were finally boiling over.

So here's the deal: I'm not saying that you aren't over it, but in my personal experience when I thought I was over it was when things were just about to get really bad. When I thought I was thinking, "I don't want to be like that guy," I was actually thinking, "I don't want to feel things like that guy."

Just know that your extremely strong reaction may mean that you're not as "over it" as you think you are. When you look back on an experience like that and don't have any emotion or only have a faint feeling of emotion, it's likely that you're undergoing emotional numbing, which is a symptom of depression. The good news is that I've gotten a lot better since I started confronting what happened to me, but a lot of that has come from being more open to my emotions and being more vulnerable - and yeah, sometimes that means feeling sad. Feeling sad about something like this is normal, feeling bulletproof is not.

Nope, I'm actually quite fine, thank you. I'm content with the fact that my father is on his third stroke, I can laugh at rape jokes on tv, or make one myself, or even sit with friends if we talk about the crap things that happened to us and I can explain what happened without lapsing. Emotional numbness, no. It bugs me in the sense that it's like a nudge on the head at this point but I don't make the buggie man any bigger than he needs to be.

You need to think about how the message came across. It won't simply be taken as -your- experience, but rather how everyone sees whoever has even been through it. My extremely strong reaction comes from peoples needs to level with you even though they have no idea what it's like or even defend you if someone else doesn't agree with your outlook on it. It ends up leaving no room for critical thought, but rather a debate about emotion. It can easily devalue the opinion of someone who hasn't been raped who doesn't agree with you by someone cutting in and stating "Well YOU don't know what it's like!" If you noticed, someone just tried that on me despite knowing what it's like.

Honestly, the fact that I can move past these things may boggle you or make you think I am emotional numb. But that's not the fact. I can accept things that have happened and move on from it. However, what I do react easily to is opinions that tend to only be on one side of the fence because something bad happened to someone, and how dare we challenge an -opinion- because we're going to hurt their feelings by stating "I raped this guy in Black Ops last night."

Honestly though, being hurt by someone using a word like that is a matter of being thin skinned. Which there is nothing wrong with it but it becomes a problem when people start wishing everyone has thin skin, or everyone be effected by a trama the same way and we can all live in a carefully worded society and think of each others feelings before we say words like "Rape, retarded, or gimp."

 

[Ramzal]

I'm sorry if this sounds insensitive but, Mr. Anonymous, you need to stop having the mentality of a fucking victim. You need to stop being a coward, trying as you do to block out anything to do with rape. It only represses your emotions and thus gives them more control over you. You need to stop living in fear.

You can do it. You know how I know that you can do it? Because when I was a wee lad of 4 I was raped multiple times. I repressed it. It haunted my dreams for 14 years until I re-experienced it in its totality when I was 18. It was the fucking worse thing ever but it still wasn't enough. After that I had 5 imaginary death experiences that were at least as painful as my initial re-experience. Even after that I had to quit my university for a few semesters because I found myself to be now so incapable of dealing with any stress that I would go into a state of paralytic shock for hours on ends at the simplest demands. Hell, it's only now that I've finally got over my subconscious fear of intimacy that has prevented me from forming any kind of sexual relationship.

But you know what? I got the fuck over it. Sure, my rape is still an uncomfortable subject but I didn't have to spend two damn weeks of suffering to write this post. As for the subject of rape in general I'm fine with it. I don't get offended at the use of rape in media or in the news or by punk-ass kids on Xbox. That's because I've learned to accept it and integrate it. I am no longer afraid because instead of repressing and running away from my fears I have the courage to confront them.

Mr. Anonymous you, sir, are a damn coward right now. You're letting your fears govern your life and the more you continue to run away from your fears the more they will own you. You don't have to be a coward, Mr. Anonymous, you can find the courage to confront your fears if you just get out of the mentality of being permanently damaged. No matter what anyone tells you, you don't have to be a damaged man.

Dude...the fuck?

I was never raped, and hopefully I never will be. You were. You know how painful, how traumatizing it is. Why in the FUCK would you rip on this guy, or call him a coward? he made it clear that rape isn't something to "overcome" or a challenge you can grow from. its something you carry with you for the rest of you're life. clearly the two of you disagree, because you seem to think it's just another part of life, or something you can "roll with"

Im really happy that you no longer suffer from trauma or fears, but for christ's sake, have some sympathy for the guy. as someone who suffered as you did, try and understand, like I, and everyone else is.

Erm... it's kind of ironic that you asked the guy to have sympathy and at the same time criticized him for his emotional response. It's understandable that he gets pissed off when he sees in others the destructive weakness that he had to overcome himself. His criticism may seem harsh to us, but it is clearly aimed at helping that guy. I doubt you or I could possibly understand what either person went through, and I'm fairly certain we don't have a place in the conversation of how to deal with it. Plus, he apologized for the apparent insensitivity of his argument at the outset.

Yeah...to be completely honest, I didn't read every page of comments after reading the article (and didn't see the apology come up) and so when I first read Iron Lightning's post I was a little...excited. I did go back and edit my post. so hopefully that will clear things up.

I agree with Iron Lightning. Part of growing up is to take all of these things that happen to you and grow past them. Bad things happen. We have to accept them and move on. Even more, I have to ask everyone something. Stop having pity for us or anyone who has gone through this. Yes, it is terrible to happen. But we do not deserve any special treatment for the short comings in our lives. People are strong to move past this. Allow us to without thinking we are broken, or that we will suffer forever.

Mahatma Gandhi once said that: "Strength does not come from physical capacity. It comes from an indomitable will." People cannot build that will when they are given special treatment, or pity, or feel that we need to be picked up or even understood -just- because something happened to us. If you think about it, the average person looks at someone who has been raped like a broken mirror, that with enough tender love and care, it can be fixed. That's just not true. And in treating people who have been raped as such, you are not doing them a favor. But rather an injustice.

I do not expect free money to come to me because I am of african american blood and my ancestors were treated harshly. I expect to work for my money and rewards. I do not ask for free money for college because I am 1/16th native american and some have had their land stolen. And I do not ask to be treated like a hero because I have been to war, fought, and nearly died for whatever purpose it truly may have been, I simply ask to be treated like you--yourself would wish to be treated. Without exception, with fairness, and goodwill.

I, and many like myself are strong enough to move past the dark parts in our lives and see the light. (And no, that is not a religious statement) But people must allow others--like the Author of the article--to move past this, rather than bellow in his misery.

Rape is a word. That is all it is. Just like many other words that are hateful like a word that starts with "N". Or "S." Any you can think of. It's the action, not the word that we should be against.

I think I should make myself clear. Not everyone deals with trauma the same. Some people, Like you and Iron lightning, are able to turn yourselves into gruff survivalists who turn their horrible experiences into things they can grow from. and good on you for doing that. HOWEVER, what is good for the goose is not good for the Gander, and how you have dealt with you're trauma and past experience's is not how the author will deal with it. Gandhi said a lot of thing's, but Gandhi was never raped by another man. neither was I, and neither were you (I assume and hope) so we can't judge him for dealing with his trauma in his own way.

It's not about becoming a "gruff survivalist" It's about growing. Bad things happen in life, every day. And not enough dry heaving over toilets, or people saying "I'm so sorry" can fix that. It is up the individual. Do you wish to know why I find the author a coward? What he is typing is an attempt for attention. He is literally living -in- his poor history rather living his life. I've had more than enough drunk nights on my couch as I wake up to an angry wife in the morning to finally realize the difference.

Honestly, any short comings in my life are just that. Short comings. I've taken being raped at a young age by my own father as nothing more than a bone that was broken. It hurt for awhile, but it healed with time. I found that the more people who told me "I am so sorry that happened to you.." or "You must be going through such a terrible time..." or my favorite "It's not your fault." I found myself sinking -deeper- into the depression of the event because those statements -make- you feel like you were a victim.

Me and Iron are not a rare type of people this happens to. We're just people who decided that enough is enough. I know plenty of other people that this has happened to. Those extremely close to me as well, women and men alike. And for the majority the women I know have taken it much better than I thought. Two in which shrugged when I brought up this subject and said "People need to put their big girl panties on and learn to suck it up. Bad stuff happens to everyone."

These people live their lives without triggers, frequent nightmares or crying fits/gaining weight. That in itself is strength. True strength. Weakness in yourself calls for attention like the Author does. Things happen. But what truly---TRULY upsets me is the fact that the Author is in a position that he is speaking for -everyone- who has gone through this or that all of us---even a majority of us react from being raped as he does. Which is simply not true.

You want to know what the real monstrosity of rape comes from? The people who are killed before, during or after the fact. They never had a CHANCE to get stronger, or move past it because that chance was stolen from them. And it happens all over the world, Africa, Korea, Europe, even in the United States does this occur. But you want to feel sorry for someone who is still alive and has a chance to move past this issue when there are people who were killed just so they could be -easier- to rape?

I know exactly what the Author has been through. But I have no sympathy for him. Or care. How he deals with that issue now is my greatest nightmare for anything that has ever traumatized me, to lay battered, beaten and DEFEATED by something that is not physical anymore but rather as loose, and hanging there like a dream--the past. To live is to acknowledge the past, live in the present to build for the future.

His reaction and explanations come from nothing but the kind of person who has been traumatized but chooses to have it hold him back. He is strong enough to move past it. He is. Anyone is, but this is not subject of "Everyone deals about it differently" but rather him not dealing with it at all. I've needed no pills, some sessions with a therapist when I was younger, and no pity to get past it. It's a matter of seeing what happened to you before as the past and not allow it to define you.

The author has chosen for it to define him. I will not. Now do you wish to lecture me again on the subject of how to deal with being raped by a man (My own father no less), when I have already stated that I have been previously? I do not need your assumptions or your hope as it has already happened. And honestly...so what that it has.

Hey guys, let me just say a few things:

I understand why you were upset by my article, I really do. If I had read this article two years ago I'd be right there with you, completely outraged, completely pissed off. How dare this guy make people think all of us are delicate porcelain dolls like him? How dare he just sit there, being a victim? And most of all, where the fuck does he get off speaking for everyone? (This, by the way, is why I started the article saying "I only speak for myself here.")

After all, I had gotten over it, why couldn't they?

The problem was, I hadn't gotten over it. I'd had five years where I was almost entirely symptom-free, or at least free from the most obvious symptoms like flashbacks and intrusive thoughts. That was due to my being in a less stressful living environment where I was able to more easily bury my past. Looking back, I can now see that though I thought I didn't have symptoms, this was actually the time when I was most effectively self-medicating with alcohol and when my dating problems were at their worst. It wasn't gone, it was just dormant, and growing. The problem with this kind of trauma is that it's like a vermin infestation -- the longer you pretend it doesn't exist the worse it gets.

That period ended when I took a new job that was much more stressful. Gradually my symptoms of depression increased, and my self-medication with alcohol went on the upswing. This was the worst period for me, and though I didn't understand what was happening until afterward, I was just about to take the first big drop on the roller coaster of depression.

It was during this time when I would become the most angry and defensive about this type of article. The point when I was the most convinced that I was getting along fine and that the people writing these things just had to toughen up and face the world. You're a rape victim? Oh boo hoo, so am I. I never needed therapy or told my story on the Internet. What did these people want, attention?

In retrospect, it was obvious how deeply in denial I was. The reason these articles made me so angry and upset was because they were showing vulnerability, and I'd been taught that the only way to live with myself was not not have that vulnerability. Without realizing it I was still dancing to the rapist's tune: "Forget this happened. Don't talk about it. Don't tell people about it. Don't even think about it." I had learned that the best way to deal with it was to disconnect my emotions from it and soldier on -- and yeah, that can be useful sometimes in the short term. Sometimes you need to do that to get through the day, or get through the week. I get that, I've been there. That's a part of emotional control. But eventually, you realize you're using it to get through life, and that's not healthy.

I'm going to tell you something that sucks a lot, and you're probably not going to believe me: to process the emotions you're actually going to have to feel them. I tell you that because when I got the most angry about articles like this one was right before I had my worst episode of depression. I was trying to pack down the feelings and I was failing. I'd ignored them for too long and they were finally boiling over.

So here's the deal: I'm not saying that you aren't over it, but in my personal experience when I thought I was over it was when things were just about to get really bad. When I thought I was thinking, "I don't want to be like that guy," I was actually thinking, "I don't want to feel things like that guy."

Just know that your extremely strong reaction may mean that you're not as "over it" as you think you are. When you look back on an experience like that and don't have any emotion or only have a faint feeling of emotion, it's likely that you're undergoing emotional numbing, which is a symptom of depression. The good news is that I've gotten a lot better since I started confronting what happened to me, but a lot of that has come from being more open to my emotions and being more vulnerable - and yeah, sometimes that means feeling sad. Feeling sad about something like this is normal, feeling bulletproof is not.

Also, excuse my curiosity of the subject and my double post. But there is an inconsistency. When I was going through the process of feeling triggers of so much of hinting towards my past, I found that I couldn't even type or speak about it. You mentioned as much in your article. We draw a similarity there, I'm sure.

However. I made that post today. In your article you stated that it took you time to even type it, that it was shocking to your past. From experience, exchanging emotion, thought or theory about it is a trigger due to you having to think this process over. There is an inconstancy. How could it take you more than a week to type 3 pages but less than that to respond with a direct opinion---which should be worse.

 

[VonBrewskie]

Wow. Great article. I'm sorry you went through such a difficult time. I will certainly consider your words, as I'm sure I've been guilty of using "The R Word" without thinking about it. I hope your road to recovery rises to meet you buddy. Good luck.

 

[Ramzal]

Also, excuse my curiosity of the subject and my double post. But there is an inconsistency. When I was going through the process of feeling triggers of so much of hinting towards my past, I found that I couldn't even type or speak about it. You mentioned as much in your article. We draw a similarity there, I'm sure.

However. I made that post today. In your article you stated that it took you time to even type it, that it was shocking to your past. From experience, exchanging emotion, thought or theory about it is a trigger due to you having to think this process over. There is an inconstancy. How could it take you more than a week to type 3 pages but less than that to respond with a direct opinion---which should be worse.

Which is a reason I don't like anonymous articles like this being written. The only time I prefer anonymous(which is actually confidential) is when it involves getting a testimony for an actual case in which people's identity can be protected to prevent any sort of outrage by the community should they be biased.

The problem I have with Anonymous people when it comes to writing is that there is no accountability and there is just too much blind faith that the person is who they say they are. To which it is also too easy to manipulate people's will and minds to make them think like you do when it could all be a lie. It's that double standard when it comes to posting anonymously. Okay so a bunch of people who post on 4chan get spammed with a tropes v women link and decide to use their anonymous status to be assholes and people make the assertion thatfaith that they and random youtubers represent the "gaming community". Yet here we have a single person who is telling us their story and opinion and we are also meant to take it on blind faith that it is a person. I'm sorry but I have to remain skeptical unless I have hard evidence that says otherwise. My seem harsh to say it like that but the truth hurts.

I agree.


I cannot for any means believe that this (And this is going to sound very harsh, but I will take all of the backlash you wish to deal out) Anonymous has had what happened to him, happen. If I am wrong and my suspicion is unfounded then I will give any and all apologies I am asked or required to give... However. Real trauma doesn't work like that. If you took that much time. And I quote:

Writing this article took two weeks of stalling, restarting, and insomnia.

Speaking directly to someone's opinion is worse. So much worse than writing it. Two weeks of stalling two write this and less than a day to respond to an opinion on the boards? Namely when you haven't made a single post below your very own article? I find my suspicion that you are either not the person who wrote this article, or what you claimed happened to you Anonymous, in fact didn't happen to you well founded.

It could be a possibility that you are a professor gauging out reactions, thoughts, sympathies as well and aggression for the sake of research. Another possibility is you may just be doing this because you think this is fun. Or, the last you could be doing this for attention.

But the times do not match up at all. I have no issue with taking your word as it is, but this is glaring.

 

[tzimize]

First off. Fantastic read. In a horrible way.

Then my 0.2?.

While I understand the point that is being made, I partly disagree. I feel like an asshole for doing it, but I think I kinda do. Explanation to follow, in a wall of text.

I can never understand how a rape victim feels. Unless that happens to me, which I hope it doesnt, ever.

But there are a lot of things that I can never understand. A lot of terrible things, and a lot of fantastic things. I'll never know how it feels for a woman to have an orgasm. I'll never know how it feels to that my kid sister confesses being raped, or my kid sister being run down or shot. Because I'm not a woman, and I dont have a kid sister.

Games, movies and books are ways to put ourselves in these shoes. And even if it will never, ever give us a 100% accurate experience, it can make us think and educate us in different ways. I think this is important. It also demystifies the taboos and I believe that makes it (a tiny bit) easier for victims of these things to talk about them, and maybe even get over them.

If we never talk about rape, we make it into something forbidden. And we add to the shame of the victims (which they should feel nothing of).

I dont think there are any things that should be forbidden to depict in media, but there are a lot of things that should come with a warning. Again, it can be difficult to draw that line. Some things can traumatize us so bad that even a name or a word can set us off. It may seem harsh, but this can imo never be anything other than the problem of the victim. It is 100% impossible to warn about everything. I loved Sin City, the OP was terrorized. The creators of Sin City could not possibly know his reaction, and I am 100% certain it was not intended on their part. As harsh as it may sound, this simply cannot be anything other than the problem of the victim, because it just cannot be helped.

If we are going to censor all thing that MIGHT trigger someone that has been traumatized we are going to destroy art in all its forms. This simply cannot be. Every time we expose ourselves to art in any form, we risk being offended. If we are severely traumatized we take an even greater risk of being reminded of our traumas. But this risk ALWAYS have to be our own responsibility.

With regards to rape being thrown around on xbox-live, I will not comment much since I do not play much online. But people are assholes, so if you play with random people, expect them to be assholes. If you cannot deal, dont.

With regards to friends not knowing, I again might sound harsh, but I expect my friends to tell me if I am being offensive or deal with it.

 

[ReiverCorrupter]

At this point, I should just come out and say it: we're not debating anything. By that I mean that I make a point, you latch on to a single word (words that you claimed were meaningless less than 10 pages back), you deflect and justify and distract from the issue.

^^snip^^

I'm just pointing out that if a person is going to be so apposed to using the word rape, I see no reason why they should not also feel so strongly about the word "torture", "murder", or "kill".

Neither of you are really engaging in a debate so much as going around in circles making counter-assertions.

People can have strong reactions to almost any word. Someone whose loved one was murdered could have a very bad reaction to people using the word 'murder'.

However, rape is different in that it's something that is extremely personal. It's the actual victim of rape who is traumatized by it. Not only that, but it is an act of one person violating another in the most intimate way possible. The real problem is that it is pretty much the most traumatic thing that can happen to a person, and thus hearing the term 'rape' tossed around casually is bound to cause more suffering than tossing around the term 'murder'.

I would say that torture is probably even worse, but there just aren't nearly as many people who are tortured so you're less likely to cause someone distress by throwing around the term.

Well, you're just repeating exactly everything that I've said, so thanks for the assertions.

Well... that's because I was only explaining your side in the part you quoted... I went on to present the other side of the argument in the second part of my post... Sorry, I should have made what I was doing a bit more obvious.

More seriously though, my only point I was ever trying to make before I got too frustrated to see or think straight is that if you are offended by murder, you have no reason to be playing Call of Duty online. It should be completely acceptable to throw around that phrase in the specific violent online video game context. In the same way, people playing Animal Crossing or Mario Kart should not be subjected to being told that they are going to be murdered, because it really has nothing to do with the gameplay mechanics. Being offended by the word rape shouldn't exclude you from the experience of shooting people online.

I generally agree, but, as I believe I said in the second part of my post, online gameplay already gives you the option of preemptively blocking other people's communications, and using the service is a privilege. The fact that it's a privilege is a double edged sword: on the one hand you don't have a right to free speech; the company can ban you for whatever reason it wants to because it's their service and you don't have a right to it.

On the other hand, the company has absolutely no obligation to make sure you aren't offended, either. So while I agree that people who casually throw around the term 'rape' are generally d-bags, I also think that the people who are offended by that sort of thing should stop playing the victim and just take charge of their own mental well being by muting people or turning off their headset. Offend me once, shame on you, offend me twice, shame on me. PRESS THE GODDAMN MUTE BUTTON.

If your point is just moral: i.e. that saying offensive abusive things makes you a dick, then sure, that's kind of a given. But people are allowed to be dicks. All you can do is ask them not to be such dicks, and if they ignore you, as is likely, then you can't really do anything else. These online systems already have a function to report people, use that.

As far as the article goes, I have no problem with someone pointing out why 'rape' might be a worse term than other things because of people's traumatic experiences. They're right to call people's attention to it. But it's hardly the epidemic that some people are making it out to be. D-bags will be d-bags, and I sincerely doubt that the douchebaggery of CoD players is going to have a statistically significant impact upon the national crime rate for rape. If you don't like it, there's already plenty of online settings that allow you to avoid it.

 

[LiquidGrape]

Snip

Banning people who "blow off steam" by denigrating others online is no great injustice. They lack consideration. If they are intent on practicing that lack of consideration, they should be able to be held accountable.

The victims of that kind of disrespectful behaviour are not the ones who should be held responsible for changing that environment. They are not acting from a vantage point which has granted them the privilege of appropriating and trivialising the experiences of others.

So while I am sincerely sorry to hear about your accident, equating the endemic power dynamics of rape and race to a car is something of a mistake. A car doesn't have any of the sociological connotations such language and threat contain.

In short, I don't think "free speech" by its popular entitled definition should be held in higher esteem than basic respect and courtesy.

 

[Ashhearth]

Honestly some of the most awe-inspiring work I've ever read. I was already trying to curb using vulgar words like that but now I feel way more committed.

Thank you for going into the lion's den and doing something most of us will never see. The insight you've given is incredible.

 

[ReiverCorrupter]

snip

Although I think it should be obvious (not saying you don't get it, but for the sake of random morons), I have the need to clarify that I don't go around spouting potentially offensive jokes to complete strangers. If I'm with complete strangers, I test the waters a bit before trying anything like that and it's not like I'm in 'offensive mode' 24/7.
Still, I will always defend the rights of people who do that, even if I think they're assholes. Sticks and stones. I have never in my life been offended over the internet. Not because I'm a 'privileged white Caucasian', but because words mean jack shit to me. I would like for people to see that stupid words are meaningless and it's better for them, and the world around them, if they make words their bitches, as one rapper would say. If you do that, words don't hold power over you anymore, and neither does someone who wants to offend / traumatize you. Iron Lightning managed to break off of that and he's a true shining example that I'm right.

I might have gone a bit overboard with the whole "saying x doesn't make you x-ist" shtick; guess I'm venting about some other stuff like this in games. Oh yeah, some of it was directed at that shitty Kotaku article that's about how saying "rape" in an online game makes you ok with rape culture.


...
I think we're pretty much on the same page so gg. Guess we're not gonna have a 12 post debate.

Also, I have no idea why is rape such a hot topic lately wherever I look. It's like someone up there thinks it's new to all of us.

Yeah, I pretty much agree with most of what you said. (I was assuming that you were defending free speech in general.) People have a right to be offended I guess, and I'm all for common courtesy, but I agree that allowing yourself to be offended is a form of mental weakness. People are much better off toughening themselves up rather than constantly complaining in the hopes that society will change so that they'll never hear something that might offend them.

It might make me sound like a dick, but what I think we really need is more insensitivity. If people simply stopped giving a crap about what other assholes said society would probably be a much better place. Frankly I don't want to live in a society where I constantly have to walk on egg shells in the fear of offending someone. That becomes its very own form of oppression.

You could say that I believe in the ideal of rugged individualism. Ultimately, if you aren't responsible for your own state of mind then how can you really be independent at all?

People would insult me every day in high school (I'm not saying I was bullied, my high school was just a place where everyone constantly insulted everyone else because it was the funny thing to do), but I couldn't care less because their opinions meant nothing to me. Granted high school is the biggest cesspool in society (it is full of teenagers, after all), but the point stands. You can't be offended if you don't care about other people's opinions.

 

[Susan Arendt]

Also, excuse my curiosity of the subject and my double post. But there is an inconsistency. When I was going through the process of feeling triggers of so much of hinting towards my past, I found that I couldn't even type or speak about it. You mentioned as much in your article. We draw a similarity there, I'm sure.

However. I made that post today. In your article you stated that it took you time to even type it, that it was shocking to your past. From experience, exchanging emotion, thought or theory about it is a trigger due to you having to think this process over. There is an inconstancy. How could it take you more than a week to type 3 pages but less than that to respond with a direct opinion---which should be worse.

Which is a reason I don't like anonymous articles like this being written. The only time I prefer anonymous(which is actually confidential) is when it involves getting a testimony for an actual case in which people's identity can be protected to prevent any sort of outrage by the community should they be biased.

The problem I have with Anonymous people when it comes to writing is that there is no accountability and there is just too much blind faith that the person is who they say they are. To which it is also too easy to manipulate people's will and minds to make them think like you do when it could all be a lie. It's that double standard when it comes to posting anonymously. Okay so a bunch of people who post on 4chan get spammed with a tropes v women link and decide to use their anonymous status to be assholes and people make the assertion thatfaith that they and random youtubers represent the "gaming community". Yet here we have a single person who is telling us their story and opinion and we are also meant to take it on blind faith that it is a person. I'm sorry but I have to remain skeptical unless I have hard evidence that says otherwise. My seem harsh to say it like that but the truth hurts.

I agree.


I cannot for any means believe that this (And this is going to sound very harsh, but I will take all of the backlash you wish to deal out) Anonymous has had what happened to him, happen. If I am wrong and my suspicion is unfounded then I will give any and all apologies I am asked or required to give... However. Real trauma doesn't work like that. If you took that much time. And I quote:

Writing this article took two weeks of stalling, restarting, and insomnia.

Speaking directly to someone's opinion is worse. So much worse than writing it. Two weeks of stalling two write this and less than a day to respond to an opinion on the boards? Namely when you haven't made a single post below your very own article? I find my suspicion that you are either not the person who wrote this article, or what you claimed happened to you Anonymous, in fact didn't happen to you well founded.

It could be a possibility that you are a professor gauging out reactions, thoughts, sympathies as well and aggression for the sake of research. Another possibility is you may just be doing this because you think this is fun. Or, the last you could be doing this for attention.

But the times do not match up at all. I have no issue with taking your word as it is, but this is glaring.

I can assure you that everything put forth here is legitimate. This isn't some stunt, it isn't a professor, and it isn't a prank. I know Anonymous personally, and have been working with him on this for some time.

 

[Dr Snakeman]

Super huge wall o' text snip

Okay, dude... while I do agree with a lot of what you're saying, and you clearly put a lot of thought into it...

IT HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH THIS ARTICLE. This article was about someone baring his soul to the Internet, telling about a terrible experience in his past. And you decided to go and do your own thing, prattling on about the miserable failure that is modern feminism.

A little sensitivity to the topic at hand (that is, "gamer" culture's issues with the word 'rape') would be nice.

 

[Anonymous]

Also, excuse my curiosity of the subject and my double post. But there is an inconsistency. When I was going through the process of feeling triggers of so much of hinting towards my past, I found that I couldn't even type or speak about it. You mentioned as much in your article. We draw a similarity there, I'm sure.

However. I made that post today. In your article you stated that it took you time to even type it, that it was shocking to your past. From experience, exchanging emotion, thought or theory about it is a trigger due to you having to think this process over. There is an inconstancy. How could it take you more than a week to type 3 pages but less than that to respond with a direct opinion---which should be worse.

Which is a reason I don't like anonymous articles like this being written. The only time I prefer anonymous(which is actually confidential) is when it involves getting a testimony for an actual case in which people's identity can be protected to prevent any sort of outrage by the community should they be biased.

The problem I have with Anonymous people when it comes to writing is that there is no accountability and there is just too much blind faith that the person is who they say they are. To which it is also too easy to manipulate people's will and minds to make them think like you do when it could all be a lie. It's that double standard when it comes to posting anonymously. Okay so a bunch of people who post on 4chan get spammed with a tropes v women link and decide to use their anonymous status to be assholes and people make the assertion thatfaith that they and random youtubers represent the "gaming community". Yet here we have a single person who is telling us their story and opinion and we are also meant to take it on blind faith that it is a person. I'm sorry but I have to remain skeptical unless I have hard evidence that says otherwise. My seem harsh to say it like that but the truth hurts.

I agree.


I cannot for any means believe that this (And this is going to sound very harsh, but I will take all of the backlash you wish to deal out) Anonymous has had what happened to him, happen. If I am wrong and my suspicion is unfounded then I will give any and all apologies I am asked or required to give... However. Real trauma doesn't work like that. If you took that much time. And I quote:

Writing this article took two weeks of stalling, restarting, and insomnia.

Speaking directly to someone's opinion is worse. So much worse than writing it. Two weeks of stalling two write this and less than a day to respond to an opinion on the boards? Namely when you haven't made a single post below your very own article? I find my suspicion that you are either not the person who wrote this article, or what you claimed happened to you Anonymous, in fact didn't happen to you well founded.

It could be a possibility that you are a professor gauging out reactions, thoughts, sympathies as well and aggression for the sake of research. Another possibility is you may just be doing this because you think this is fun. Or, the last you could be doing this for attention.

But the times do not match up at all. I have no issue with taking your word as it is, but this is glaring.

So, a couple of things:

Yes, it took me two weeks to write a three-page article. That seems like a long time, and it would be, if I were just typing it beginning to end in one go. Except that's not how writing works, even with a subject that isn't intensely personal. I wrote this article multiple times, often throwing out drafts halfway through because they didn't convey what I wanted them to, were to broad, too vague, or just had more about my experience than I was comfortable sharing. One turned out way, way too angry, to the point that I wasn't even communicating effectively. It was not an easy article to write by any means. (You'll also note that I said I didn't throw up this time, it was the first time I wrote about my abuse that I was dry-heaving over the toilet.) Even after it was written, I wasn't sure I wanted it to actually get posted. I'd seen what happened to other writers who had written about the topic, and of course I had concerns about how I'd deal with it emotionally if someone, for example, questioned my gender, my sexuality, or the authenticity of my story. There isn't even a way to "prove" the last one in any sort of definitive sense. Especially since I wanted to remain anonymous, not only because of possible hostility from the Internet, but also because I don't want this article popping up if say, a prospective employer does a Google search on my name. I work in an industry where having this known about me would not be to my advantage.

Also, commenting on something I've written is easier than writing it in the first place. I've actually been commenting since the first day the article went up. Partially, this has to do with the fact that writing about the effects of my abuse is a hell of a lot easier than writing about the abuse itself. I'm used to talking about drinking, for example, or how bad I used to be at dating. (I joke about the latter a lot.) Talking about drinking or dating is a pretty normal thing for me to do, and though talking about depression isn't easy, it doesn't have the same effect as talking about my experiences. That's the hardest thing.

Having said that, don't think that I haven't been upset while writing comments, or reading comments, or the time I made the mistake of going to Reddit to see what people were saying. (Apparently, I'm a weak person who should kill myself. Thanks Reddit, you always understand.) I had advance warning that this was going to post, so I specifically surrounded myself with things and people that would elevate my mood. My girlfriend's been staying over, for instance, and I've been forcing myself to exercise. Haven't gotten that much work done, though. Yeah, I've been upset, I've been feeling sick and having flashbacks, but I don't let that bleed into comments because letting that happen is going to hinder my communication, not help it. I've also been helped by the many people who found this article helpful, some of whom are survivors who have sent me messages privately because they didn't want to post a comment everyone could read. That isn't to say that any of this has been easy, particularly when other survivors, such as you, don't agree with what I've said. That's hard, I would've liked if it spoke to you more than it did, but inevitably I can't please everyone. I appreciate your perspective, though.

 

[Soviet Steve]

It's quite ambitious to attempt to make the internet behave as if other people utilizing it were human beings rather than anonymous blobs to be exploited for amusement. I have the feeling that the choir will shout halleluja at this while the target audience will note rape as being particularly effective on victims of it. I hope life continues to improve for you though.

 

[Ramzal]

Also, excuse my curiosity of the subject and my double post. But there is an inconsistency. When I was going through the process of feeling triggers of so much of hinting towards my past, I found that I couldn't even type or speak about it. You mentioned as much in your article. We draw a similarity there, I'm sure.

However. I made that post today. In your article you stated that it took you time to even type it, that it was shocking to your past. From experience, exchanging emotion, thought or theory about it is a trigger due to you having to think this process over. There is an inconstancy. How could it take you more than a week to type 3 pages but less than that to respond with a direct opinion---which should be worse.

Which is a reason I don't like anonymous articles like this being written. The only time I prefer anonymous(which is actually confidential) is when it involves getting a testimony for an actual case in which people's identity can be protected to prevent any sort of outrage by the community should they be biased.

The problem I have with Anonymous people when it comes to writing is that there is no accountability and there is just too much blind faith that the person is who they say they are. To which it is also too easy to manipulate people's will and minds to make them think like you do when it could all be a lie. It's that double standard when it comes to posting anonymously. Okay so a bunch of people who post on 4chan get spammed with a tropes v women link and decide to use their anonymous status to be assholes and people make the assertion thatfaith that they and random youtubers represent the "gaming community". Yet here we have a single person who is telling us their story and opinion and we are also meant to take it on blind faith that it is a person. I'm sorry but I have to remain skeptical unless I have hard evidence that says otherwise. My seem harsh to say it like that but the truth hurts.

I agree.


I cannot for any means believe that this (And this is going to sound very harsh, but I will take all of the backlash you wish to deal out) Anonymous has had what happened to him, happen. If I am wrong and my suspicion is unfounded then I will give any and all apologies I am asked or required to give... However. Real trauma doesn't work like that. If you took that much time. And I quote:

Writing this article took two weeks of stalling, restarting, and insomnia.

Speaking directly to someone's opinion is worse. So much worse than writing it. Two weeks of stalling two write this and less than a day to respond to an opinion on the boards? Namely when you haven't made a single post below your very own article? I find my suspicion that you are either not the person who wrote this article, or what you claimed happened to you Anonymous, in fact didn't happen to you well founded.

It could be a possibility that you are a professor gauging out reactions, thoughts, sympathies as well and aggression for the sake of research. Another possibility is you may just be doing this because you think this is fun. Or, the last you could be doing this for attention.

But the times do not match up at all. I have no issue with taking your word as it is, but this is glaring.

So, a couple of things:

Yes, it took me two weeks to write a three-page article. That seems like a long time, and it would be, if I were just typing it beginning to end in one go. Except that's not how writing works, even with a subject that isn't intensely personal. I wrote this article multiple times, often throwing out drafts halfway through because they didn't convey what I wanted them to, were to broad, too vague, or just had more about my experience than I was comfortable sharing. One turned out way, way too angry, to the point that I wasn't even communicating effectively. It was not an easy article to write by any means. (You'll also note that I said I didn't throw up this time, it was the first time I wrote about my abuse that I was dry-heaving over the toilet.) Even after it was written, I wasn't sure I wanted it to actually get posted. I'd seen what happened to other writers who had written about the topic, and of course I had concerns about how I'd deal with it emotionally if someone, for example, questioned my gender, my sexuality, or the authenticity of my story. There isn't even a way to "prove" the last one in any sort of definitive sense. Especially since I wanted to remain anonymous, not only because of possible hostility from the Internet, but also because I don't want this article popping up if say, a prospective employer does a Google search on my name. I work in an industry where having this known about me would not be to my advantage.

Also, commenting on something I've written is easier than writing it in the first place. I've actually been commenting since the first day the article went up. Partially, this has to do with the fact that writing about the effects of my abuse is a hell of a lot easier than writing about the abuse itself. I'm used to talking about drinking, for example, or how bad I used to be at dating. (I joke about the latter a lot.) Talking about drinking or dating is a pretty normal thing for me to do, and though talking about depression isn't easy, it doesn't have the same effect as talking about my experiences. That's the hardest thing.

Having said that, don't think that I haven't been upset while writing comments, or reading comments, or the time I made the mistake of going to Reddit to see what people were saying. (Apparently, I'm a weak person who should kill myself. Thanks Reddit, you always understand.) I had advance warning that this was going to post, so I specifically surrounded myself with things and people that would elevate my mood. My girlfriend's been staying over, for instance, and I've been forcing myself to exercise. Haven't gotten that much work done, though. Yeah, I've been upset, I've been feeling sick and having flashbacks, but I don't let that bleed into comments because letting that happen is going to hinder my communication, not help it. I've also been helped by the many people who found this article helpful, some of whom are survivors who have sent me messages privately because they didn't want to post a comment everyone could read. That isn't to say that any of this has been easy, particularly when other survivors, such as you, don't agree with what I've said. That's hard, I would've liked if it spoke to you more than it did, but inevitably I can't please everyone. I appreciate your perspective, though.

Very well. For all intents and purposes as you have stated as well as the mod--Susan--I apologize for the accusation. Everyone takes situations differently however.