The Sydney Funnel Web: Unfair

[GodofMadness]

dude your forgetting the lovely white tail spider. while you wont die, but by god you will get scared.
http://www.pestcontrolsydney.com.au/images/Pest%20Control%20White%20tail%20Spider%20Bite%204.jpg

Most of our Animals are bloody dangerous. Koala's scream like the Blood God himself, and they have been known to bite fingers off, Kangaroos are bloody nasty as well. When I was a wee little tike, i got owned by a Gray, big cut on my check. Evin the God dammed Platypus has a poisonous barb under is back leg.

God Just thinks its Funny to dish out the wepions.

and what makes Red backs to fun is that they like the outdoor toliets, public and otherwise.

But on a somewhat ironic note, when I was in Canada for a holiday, and to any Canadians, i love your country. We went for a walk in the forest with some family friends, and I was a nerves wreck, worried shitless that a Bear or Mountain Lion would come get me, and Im use to Walking in the Australian Bush.

 

[Ultrajoe]

Thankfully they are also lazy and not poisonous, although I'm fairly sure their bite can break limbs.

It's so full of bacteria it might as well be poisonous, infection is almost guaranteed. But yes, it's the disinterested old cop of the lizard world... and is beautiful.

 

[The Infamous Scamola]

... and that is why nobody in their right mind lives in Australia.

 

[mshcherbatskaya]

That Redback spider looks like a black widow that put its shirt on backwards.

That's the belly of the black widow, not the back. But otherwise, quite a resemblance.

Oh, hey, look at this - a giant spider colony blanketed part of a Texas State Park with webs. They did it in about 2 weeks.

http://www.texasento.net/Social_Spider.htm

Oh, and they did it in Encino, California too.

http://www.flickr.com/photos/12459042@N07/sets/72157601787635715/

 

[Fostaar]

If I can try to prompt some discussion from you fine folks, is there any animal you are particularly proud of from your country? Have you ever encountered said animal or one of the ones I mentioned? (for the fellow aussies).

Have I made you interested in visiting the Australian Reptile Park?

in the interest of hating on aussies this is from new zealand http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Haast_eagle and would kick your arse, and mine and eat all of my sheep and cattle.
15kg of feathery predator coming in at 80km/hr to maul your face off.
unfortunately its prey, the Moa which was kind of like a 2 metre tall chicken was also the favourite prey of humans when they arrived and the eagle was outcompeted.
i often wonder what the world would be like if we had to protect ourselves from giant eagles that broke through our ceilings at night to eat our young...

 

[Tharwen]

I just discovered I have arachnophobia.

That picture some evil twat posted further up (I AM NOT going to quote it) of the spiders on the wall made me scream, gag, and jump out of my chair before stamping repeatedly on the floor with both feet.

I hate you.

A lot.

 

[Caimekaze]

Thankfully they are also lazy and not poisonous, although I'm fairly sure their bite can break limbs.

It's so full of bacteria it might as well be poisonous, infection is almost guaranteed. But yes, it's the disinterested old cop of the lizard world... and is beautiful.

Which is what boiling water is for. Who needs flesh when you can rid yourself of infection?

 

[DinosaurSnack]

Could you keep that over there please? The world will thank you.

 

[Labyrinth]

Could you keep that over there please? The world will thank you.

Actually there's a special branch of the Australian Military specifically designed to train our various wildlife to fight alongside soldiers in battle. The funnelwebs make for great assassins, drop-bears excellent scouts and let's face it, people would be shit scared of fighting in swampy areas knowing that the Australian Army has a salt-water croc platoon.

Why do you think there's a history of 'punching above ones weight' here?

 

[GodofMadness]

Drops bears are what Khorn decided to make after his Hounds didn?t kill enough.

 

[Davey Woo]

I was giggling through that post as much as I do when watching Yahtzee, hilarious, and it also makes me glad I don't live in Australia.

Don't think England has anything amazingly nasty. But apparently global warming means that all the dangerous bastardspiders that come over on the bananas aren't dying out in the winter like they normally do.

 

[Ushario]

I feel that the lack of note of the Taipan known commonly as 'Fierce snake' is unforgivable.

It lives in a remote area so very few people are bitten, but its the most venemous snake in Australia (Have a feeling its the worlds most venemous snake but not 100%) . Its also fairly shy, but god help you if you step on one.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Fierce_Snake

Its venom is 200-400 times more toxic than most rattlesnakes and 50 times as toxic as a cobra

The Sydney Funnel Web spider has not killed anyone since the creation of an anti-venom.

 

[mshcherbatskaya]

Bears are not too much a problem as long as you don't startle them. Bears are omnivores with a strong food drive rather than a strong prey drive. So they will rip your back door off its hinges and ravage your kitchen, but you are not food, so as long as you are not a threat and the bear knows it, you are probably OK. Mountain lions and cougars on the other hand, have been known to actively stalk, hunt, and kill hikers, joggers, and mountain bikers. They also kill and eat peoples dogs, even dogs are housed in kennels with roofs. They just rip off the roof.

Unlike the bear, your best bet with a cougar is a good bluff. Put up a good show of being a dangerous predator in your own right. Remember you are at the top of the food chain, so act like it.

If you act aggressive toward a bear, you will trigger a defense response. If you act submissive to a mountain lion, you will elicit a prey response. And the claws on either one of these animals get as long as my thumb, so don't bother trying to stab them. You may have a knife but they have 10.

 

[DinosaurSnack]

Could you keep that over there please? The world will thank you.

Actually there's a special branch of the Australian Military specifically designed to train our various wildlife to fight alongside soldiers in battle. The funnelwebs make for great assassins, drop-bears excellent scouts and let's face it, people would be shit scared of fighting in swampy areas knowing that the Australian Army has a salt-water croc platoon.

Why do you think there's a history of 'punching above ones weight' here?

This is why America has invested so heavily in the Air Force/Navy. So we can blow everything up without setting a damn foot in any country(or continent) we don't want to because of their crazy ass wildlife.

 

[Ushario]

If I can try to prompt some discussion from you fine folks, is there any animal you are particularly proud of from your country? Have you ever encountered said animal or one of the ones I mentioned? (for the fellow aussies).

Have I made you interested in visiting the Australian Reptile Park?

in the interest of hating on aussies this is from new zealand http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Haast_eagle and would kick your arse, and mine and eat all of my sheep and cattle.
15kg of feathery predator coming in at 80km/hr to maul your face off.
unfortunately its prey, the Moa which was kind of like a 2 metre tall chicken was also the favourite prey of humans when they arrived and the eagle was outcompeted.
i often wonder what the world would be like if we had to protect ourselves from giant eagles that broke through our ceilings at night to eat our young...

Just think, we have a spider everyone calls the Bird Eating Spider, its actual name is the Eastern Trantula. Take that Kiwi's!

 

[Ultrajoe]

Just did my research on the 'Stinging Tree'. That's its name, really, 'The Stinging tree'. I imagine it also goes by the name of 'That Bloody Stinging Tree' and 'Fuck That Tree'. I know I would, this thing is a scientific mystery because it seems to exist only to cause mass amounts of pain to the victim. It's worse than the SFW, really, it's a pointless Jerkass of a tree. Really, take a gander at this.

- 'Stinging trees play an important part in the ecology of a rainforest. Many native Australian animals, birds and insects are not bothered by the sting, and happily devour the leaves and fruit.'

...it's not even used for defense. It can't even say 'I do this to stop things eating me', because it's apparently fine with all sorts of creatures chowing down on its very flesh. Why? Because presumably it's riding a constant high from all the suffering it causes. Its invited all of the forest creatures around to its place to laugh at the people choking and gasping in the distance while they all snack on it. First fact: The sting is not for defense.

- 'The sting is delivered through tiny silicon hairs that cover the leaves and the fruit of the plant. You can think of the silicon hairs as tiny fibres of non-transparent glass.'

Ok, we joked about things being worse only if they had syringes filled with battery acid, but this tree apparently heard us and decided that was a fun idea. Nobody tell it about napalm, ok? For no reason, it doesn't defend it, this tree decides to put broken glass all over its food, and try to lure people into touching it. This tree is such an asshole it teases you with fruit, covered in hypodermic needles.

- 'These silicon hairs penetrate your skin, and then break off. They're so tiny, that often the skin will close over the hairs. So sometimes, once you've been stung, you can't remove the stinging hairs. The silicon hairs cause pain, because they carry a neurotoxin... ...we humans feel something between mild irritation and intense pain and death.'

...what the hell is with this country and Neurotoxin!? Why can't we get some nice hemotoxins or necrotoxins? And not mixed in with neurotoxin, you god damned Funnelweb. In WoW, rogues can take an expensive talent to add crippling poison to their other poisons in a 'deadly brew'. The SFW is a god damned rogue, and one deeply invested in the assassination spec. This tree is presumably all specced for subtlety, because it's a god damn tree and shouldn't be able to use a ranged attack, the sneaky jerk. Oh yes, ranged attack.

- 'But you can suffer even if you don't touch the plant. The plants continuously shed their stinging hairs. Stay close to the stinging trees for more than an hour, and you can get an allergic reaction - intensely painful and continuous bouts of sneezing. You can even get nose bleeds from these silicon hairs floating in the air.'

You know what, I don't even need to spell this out. Just read that over again. Even if you leave this tree alone it will get you.

Ok, so it's a jerk-tree. We know this. But that's not all bad, it's certainly not as bad as the SFW (Satan's Furry Warrior) or the Dingo, right?

Wrong. This tree can't even muster their pathetic excuses​

- 'Now there are two weird things about these stinging trees. First, these stinging trees are harmless to many native Australian species, but very nasty to introduced species such as humans, horses and dogs. The second thing is even weirder. The pain is real and intense, but your body does not suffer any damage. Fire and snake bites cause pain, AND they damage you as well. But it seems that the pain from this tree could be the only pain that is not related to any damage.'

It only does it to foreigners, and it does it only to cause pain. It does it, literally, with no exaggeration, for teh lulz.

Source: Some Fancy Science Place

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

'There have been other anecdotal stories from soldiers in WW II suffering intense pain, and of an officer shooting himself because of the unrelenting pain'​

Spoiler: You Have Got To Be Kidding Me

 

[Caimekaze]

That tree is the brilliant accomplice to that old man who wants the kids off his lawn or out of his orchard.

That's it. When I finally am rich enough to acquire my manor, screw dogs. I'll have guard stinging trees.

 

[Khedive Rex]

Well ... that's an unpleasent way to die. I would not want to be bit by a Sydney Funnel Spider. By the same token, the fact that you have to basically offer yourself to it with a written invitation, (I believe Ultrajoe said it had a bite range of zero and couldn't move once it struck a fighting pose), does lessen my trepidation of it.

As for volcanoes, I used to live in Olympia so I heard a lot of stories about what bad-ass motherfucking death cannons volcanoes can be. A friend once described them to me as "Nature's Ban-hammer." But, I've never seen one in action (thankfully) and now live in a part of the world that has no volcanoes. As such my fear of them as decreased significantly.

Crocadiles aren't bad, except that I live in a land-locked city in a state that only has one natural lake. Crocadiles really aren't on my top ten list of toothy death-bringers.

There are no bears in my part of the world. And even if there were I kind of like them.

... I don't know what to say. Nothing in this thread has really freaked me out.

To adress the other question of the thread, I'm not really proud of any of the animals in my area. And none of them really freak me out either. We have foxes and coyotes and bobcats and possums and I'm pretty sure I saw a mountain lion once. I put food out for them all in my back yard. Nowadays they may as well be domesticated (the bobcats keep their distance but the other animals, they'll scratch on the door to remind you to feed them.)

 

[Lord George]

Note to self: Stay the fuck out of Australia.

 

[Tellaris]

Thankfully, I live in Northern Alberta.
We have a lake here. It doesn't thaw completely until June. Its not tolerably warm until late July/Early August. It starts to get cold again usually mid September. At some point in the past 50 years, we have had snow present at some point on every single day of every single month. It can be +20 Celsius one week, and -10 the next. And thats just the summer fun. Try winter, where its not unheard of to drop to -40 or lower. It doesn't matter for Fahrenheit or Celsius, its the same at this point. Damn cold. Add in wind, strong wind. Yay for equivalent -50 or worse. Since hypothermia has already been described, I need not bother here. At these temperatures, you have roughly 10-15 mins before you risk frostbite.
For flora and fauna, the most annoying plant I can think of offhand, is anything with thorns, and poison ivy.
As for the fauna, there is not one deadly poisonous critter here. Rattlesnakes don't come this far north. Sometimes something rides in from a crate from some other part of the world... half dead and easily finished off. (Most commonly tarantulas.) The ones that get away, die in the cold of Winter. Most of the animals here will do one of two things. Ignore you, or run away.
But, while not necessarily deadly, there are some to be weary of.
Firstly, our national icon. Beavers. Yes, they're herbivores, they're peaceful, generally. But stumble on their lodge, or piss them off, you better be ready to run. They don't look like much, but they can run pretty damn fast. And if they get you, their teeth will go right to the bone. These guys chew through trees, your leg isn't going to be an issue for them.
Ah, yes. The Grizzly bear, another Canadian icon. These guys are generally more interested in the nearby berry patch then you. Avoid the berry patches, and you won't have to deal with them very often.
Again, most of the wildlife here is pretty peaceful. The snakes are not poisonous, nor are the spiders. The spiders are generally pretty small. I've never seen one bigger then a couple of cm. You have more to worry about stumbling on a skunk (they just lift the tail and spray away) then you do from the larger predators. You very rarely hear about somebody getting attacked by a bear, or mountain lions. You hear a lot of dogs getting attacked and killed by coyotes that have moved into the cities, and sometimes, very rarely, little kids.
Around here, your biggest enemy is the brutal cold and ice and snow. Its common for people to pack some blankets to help keep warm, as well as a heater (I forget what its called, but it doesn't have much in the way of emissions, since cars are enclosed spaces and that would be bad.) Spare water and even some food is a good idea too. You can easily get stuck in the ditch for 3 or 4 days before anyone finds you. (Depending on where you are, its often the snow plow). And oh god the mosquitoes. During those short summer months, those little guys just breed like crazy. Imagine a cloud of biting mosquitoes surrounding you. Hungry for every ounce of blood they can get. Landing and biting far faster then you can kill them. And as somebody said above, bug spray and repellent doesn't affect these buggers. I've had them bite through 25% DEET without them caring about it. People I know who work in the military tell me they bite through 50% DEET. Its like they are immune to poison here. I prey we never get West Nile here, its going to spread like wildfire otherwise.