THERE'S A BIRD IN MY ROOF AND IT WON'T SHUT THE F**K UP

[brumley53]

All these ideas suck.

The only tried and true method of bird removal is snake catapult. Just make a catapult (trebuchet if desired) and fill it with snakes. The catapult may be innacurate and you will probably miss your roof the first few times. don't worry though if they're not poisonous snakes the neighbours won't really have a problem and if they are poisonous then you won't really have a neighbour for much longer and therefore no one will sue. Once the snakes are on your roof it's only a matter of time before the bird is dead, in the waiting time I suggest a good cup of tea, personally I like english breakfast with a teaspoon of sugar.

 

[Scorched_Cascade]

If it starts saying 'nevermore'
then you know you've gone crazy.

Oh I hadn't thought of this connection. A new solution;
Say the following aloud to the bird:
"Be that word our sign in parting, bird or fiend," I shrieked, upstarting ?
"Get thee back into the tempest and the Night's Plutonian shore!
Leave no black plume as a token of that lie thy soul hath spoken!
Leave my loneliness unbroken!? quit the bust above my door!
Take thy beak from out my heart, and take thy form from off my door!"

After polling the rest of the posts the overwhelming, unsurprising, suggestion does seem to be:

Spoiler: Solution to bird problem

 

[Note of Discord]

Have you considered taking off and nuking the site from orbit?

 

[v3n0mat3]

Tell it to FUCK OFF.

 

[dex-dex]

YOU KILL THE MOTHERF*CKER!!!!

yeah I have no clue! I don't really have annoying birds by my house.
the worse noise I can hear is my dog but I can shut her up pretty fast but without murder.

 

[Irriduccibilli]

The sensible things have already been mentioned, so I won't bother.

Glue its mouth shut. Improvise a flamethrower. Flick electricuted elastic bands at it. Freeze ray it or do whaterver else to shut it up.

[sub]On a sidenote, I like birds, honest.[/sub]

Kill it, kill it with FIRE!!!

Copycat! The 8-bit Mario sprite is my avatar! You have been challenged to a duel by pistols at dawn! You choose the location.

Challenge accepted

I choose the bottom of the sea

 

[Gottesstrafe]

Normally I'd write something clever, but it's LATE into the night where I'm from and I need some sleep. Hope you don't mind a comic foil instead of a whacky hijinks guy.

1. Fight fire with fire. Play some death metal or Avenged Sevenfold, the more guttural the lead singer the better. While you're head banging and air guitaring, the bird is dropping a load looking for a non existent predator.

2. Lasers. Any kind, preferably a laser pointer. Aim for the EYES (of the bird).

3. Inflate several balloons and draw eyes on them (big ones). Place them where the bird/birds gather. They'll think they're predators (the balloons).

4. Find out if the bird is nesting. Destroy said nest.

Wish you luck, and don't resort to fire.

 

[floppylobster]

If it's chirping non-stop it's likely just a young bird waiting for a parent (calling for food). In which case it's not so far from flying the nest and leaving you alone forever. Otherwise it's an adult looking for a mate and that shouldn't take too long either. Either way it won't be there forever so if you wanted to you could just show some patience and/or tolerance. Or you could be a dick like most other people are suggesting here and kill it for no reason other than for calling out for food and/or companionship.

I know some people are only joking, but if you shoo it you'll essentially be killing it if the parent can't find it and it starves to death. And if you kill it, well, then you kill it. It's your choice, but know that you'll have to live with it for the rest of your life no matter how funny and/or insignificant the action may seem to you now.

From what you describe (calling out every now and then) it definitely sound like a baby bird calling for food. It should be grown and out of the nest in a few more days so if you can put up with it for a bit longer then your problem will be solved (and the efforts of the parent (flying back and forth to feed its baby) will not be wasted).

 

[Hippobatman]

Challenge accepted

I choose the bottom of the sea

Problem?

Spoiler: Not at all!

 

[NinjaTigerXIII]

If it wont shut up you only have one recourse, BURN THE HOUSE DOWN! That will show that bird who's boss.

 

[Scorched_Cascade]

The bird problem appears to be escalating, fire can no longer contain it, there is only one solution.

No bird, No problem.​

 

[jonyboy13]

So the bird is the word?

I can give you a great cooked bird recipe.

 

[Joepow]

If it starts saying 'nevermore'
then you know you've gone crazy.

Oh I hadn't thought of this connection. A new solution;
Say the following aloud to the bird:
"Be that word our sign in parting, bird or fiend," I shrieked, upstarting ?
"Get thee back into the tempest and the Night's Plutonian shore!
Leave no black plume as a token of that lie thy soul hath spoken!
Leave my loneliness unbroken!? quit the bust above my door!
Take thy beak from out my heart, and take thy form from off my door!"

That will most certainly not get rid of the bird:

"Be that word our sign in parting, bird or fiend," I shrieked, upstarting ?
"Get thee back into the tempest and the Night's Plutonian shore!
Leave no black plume as a token of that lie thy soul hath spoken!
Leave my loneliness unbroken!? quit the bust above my door!
Take thy beak from out my heart, and take thy form from off my door!"
Quoth the Raven, "Nevermore."

And the Raven, never flitting, still is sitting, still is sitting
On the pallid bust of Pallas just above my chamber door;
And his eyes have all the seeming of a demon's that is dreaming,
And the lamplight o'er him streaming throws his shadow on the floor;
And my soul from out that shadow that lies floating on the floor
Shall be lifted ? nevermore!

So, unless you want the bird to stay there forever and haunt your soul, I advice against it.

 

[captaincabbage]

what you should do is get a sack of cats, a sledgehammer, some spare chip board and a box of nails.

1) Take your sack of cats, and open it up, allowing the cats to roam your room, (pro-tip; keeping the cats in there for a few days will make them hungry, more effective that way)
2) Break open your ceiling, this will open the path to the roof for you.
3) Grab the nearest cat, and throw it through the new hole. Repeat until you run out of cats.
4) Repair roof with chip board and nails, paint if you're OCD like that.
5) Enjoy your chirp free roof as any additional birds will be preyed upon by your army of ceiling cat protectors.

PS; if the cats get hungry and, thus, noisy that is not my fault and you could perhaps repeat the above suggested program with a sack of dogs.

is it just me or have you been watching waaaay to much Always Sunny?

What's that? *googles* what a completely insane show.

it's probably some of the blackest comedy you'll ever see and it's fucking hilarious.

In season five, I think Dee (the girl) hears a cat in the wall of her apartment, so she gets the guys to help out with it. Charlie, the most deranged of the group, ends up putting heaps of cats in her wall.

 

[hotacidbath]

Get a cat to chase out the bird.
And when that gets stuck in the wall, get a dog to chase out the cat.
And when that gets stuck, get a coyote to chase out the dog.
And when that gets stuck, get a wolf to chase out the coyote.
And when that gets stuck, get a golden eagle to get rid of the wolf.
Now your wall is free of birds...oh wait.

 

[captaincabbage]

If it starts saying 'nevermore'
then you know you've gone crazy.

Oh I hadn't thought of this connection. A new solution;
Say the following aloud to the bird:
"Be that word our sign in parting, bird or fiend," I shrieked, upstarting ?
"Get thee back into the tempest and the Night's Plutonian shore!
Leave no black plume as a token of that lie thy soul hath spoken!
Leave my loneliness unbroken!? quit the bust above my door!
Take thy beak from out my heart, and take thy form from off my door!"

That will most certainly not get rid of the bird:

"Be that word our sign in parting, bird or fiend," I shrieked, upstarting ?
"Get thee back into the tempest and the Night's Plutonian shore!
Leave no black plume as a token of that lie thy soul hath spoken!
Leave my loneliness unbroken!? quit the bust above my door!
Take thy beak from out my heart, and take thy form from off my door!"
Quoth the Raven, "Nevermore."

And the Raven, never flitting, still is sitting, still is sitting
On the pallid bust of Pallas just above my chamber door;
And his eyes have all the seeming of a demon's that is dreaming,
And the lamplight o'er him streaming throws his shadow on the floor;
And my soul from out that shadow that lies floating on the floor
Shall be lifted ? nevermore!

So, unless you want the bird to stay there forever and haunt your soul, I advice against it.

Quoth the Raven "Eat my Shorts!"

 

[Eisenfaust]

try the 5 stages of... dealing with the bird in your roof...

"pffft... there isn't a bird in my roof"
"I'm getting my shotgun"
"Leave now and I won't kill you"
"i really wish i didn't have to kill you..."
"fuck it, roof needed a new coat of paint anyway... *BANG*"

hmmmm... seemed to be the 5 stages of dealing with shooting a bird in your roof, but what the hey

 

[funguy2121]

 

[EgonCom]

Tweet about it, might help