THERE'S A BIRD IN MY ROOF AND IT WON'T SHUT THE F**K UP

[Sgt. Dante]

what you should do is get a sack of cats, a sledgehammer, some spare chip board and a box of nails.

1) Take your sack of cats, and open it up, allowing the cats to roam your room, (pro-tip; keeping the cats in there for a few days will make them hungry, more effective that way)
2) Break open your ceiling, this will open the path to the roof for you.
3) Grab the nearest cat, and throw it through the new hole. Repeat until you run out of cats.
4) Repair roof with chip board and nails, paint if you're OCD like that.
5) Enjoy your chirp free roof as any additional birds will be preyed upon by your army of ceiling cat protectors.

PS; if the cats get hungry and, thus, noisy that is not my fault and you could perhaps repeat the above suggested program with a sack of dogs.

is it just me or have you been watching waaaay to much Always Sunny?

What's that? *googles* what a completely insane show.

it's probably some of the blackest comedy you'll ever see and it's fucking hilarious.

In season five, I think Dee (the girl) hears a cat in the wall of her apartment, so she gets the guys to help out with it. Charlie, the most deranged of the group, ends up putting heaps of cats in her wall.

o.0;; I kinda see what they say about no thought being original any more...

however I will have to check out this show, thanks for the tip

 

[Drakulea]

Maybe get an airhorn ? With a loudspeaker on it? Give it a taste of its own medicine.

 

[Nannernade]

Alright what you need to do... and go chemical warfare on its ass go devour like... 10 tacos and a whole mess of baked beans then release the bombs, I'm sure it'll go chirp-chirp-thud. :3

 

[VaudevillianVeteran]

Oh God, I laughed too hard. Thank you, sir.

OT: Well, if you catch it, you could have some good eating tonight.

 

[Slash Dementia]

I used to have a pigeon and its two babies on my window in a nest. It was adorable, but really bad-smelling, and annoying with their chirping. Once the pigeons flew away, I cleaned my window off and now I scare pigeons away whenever they even land near my window.

 

[StormShaun]

Do a Bear Grylls and EAT IT ALIVE!

 

[Eternal Skies]

If it's chirping non-stop it's likely just a young bird waiting for a parent (calling for food). In which case it's not so far from flying the nest and leaving you alone forever. Otherwise it's an adult looking for a mate and that shouldn't take too long either. Either way it won't be there forever so if you wanted to you could just show some patience and/or tolerance. Or you could be a dick like most other people are suggesting here and kill it for no reason other than for calling out for food and/or companionship.

I know some people are only joking, but if you shoo it you'll essentially be killing it if the parent can't find it and it starves to death. And if you kill it, well, then you kill it. It's your choice, but know that you'll have to live with it for the rest of your life no matter how funny and/or insignificant the action may seem to you now.

From what you describe (calling out every now and then) it definitely sound like a baby bird calling for food. It should be grown and out of the nest in a few more days so if you can put up with it for a bit longer then your problem will be solved (and the efforts of the parent (flying back and forth to feed its baby) will not be wasted).

^This.^

Have Patience, and the problem should resolve itself.

 

[Canned Spam]

Move house, overseas if possible, and be discreet about it or the bird may follow you.

 

[Jodah]

Guns solve all problems!

 

[Misho-]

It just doesn't shut the fuck up.
It's been going for two god-damn hours tonight. Wat do?

I vote you go out and learn the ways of the bird.

Learn secret human trolling techniques from this grandmaster bird and then return to us in your new improved form. I imagine you will look something like this:

I know I offered a solution earlier but conversation topics are a bit thin on the ground in the forum at the moment.

I was going to say go up there, learn the ways of their people. Mate with their women. And in time, your differences will be forgotten.

 

[ssgt splatter]

Climb up there and shoot it.

 

[CommanderKirov]

Use Napalm.

Repeat untill succesfull

 

[Wintermoot]

1. get the holy handgrenade of antioch
2. pull the pin
3. count to 3 not 2 and not 10
4. chuck it
5. ???
6. PROFIT!

 

[RuralGamer]

I have pheasants in the woods next to my house who won't shut up; its the first time I've ever wished the neighbourhood cats to kill some birds.

 

[Trivun]

It's been here for the past few days, right above my computer. At first I thought it was my chair, but it's chirping repeatedly and periodically now. It's really loud because my ceiling is just painted chip-board.

It just doesn't shut the fuck up.
It's been going for two god-damn hours tonight. Wat do?

EDIT: Frankly, I'm just amazed I got to ten replies. reading every reply is just making me laugh more and moreOHGODITSTARTEDCHIRPINGAGAIN!!

If it's actually in the roof, then call the RSPCA or whatever your countries equivalent of them is. They need to come and remove the bird properly, everyone who says 'kill it!!!11' and actually means it is nothing but an idiotic douchebag. Aside from that, there's not much you can do.

Nevertheless, I feel this song is appropriate, if only because I always relish a chance to post a song by the awesome Florence and the Machine:

 

[Nazz3]

Sing to it.

BIRD BIRD BIRD BIRD IS THE WORD AND WELLA BIRD BIRD BIRD

 

[The_ModeRazor]

Wat it sez.