Top 5 Friday: Top 5 Worst Videogame Romances

[theyellowmeteor]

I CAN'T TAKE THIS ANYMORE!!!

Maybe I'm not properly acquainted with the Mario universe, but are Mario and Peach SUPPOSED to have a serious relationship? Is Mario really saving Peach just because he's trying to get in her pants? Do things really work that way?

I am sick of hearing this stupid thing with Mario risking his life to save the most important person in Mushroom Kingdom to be left with nothing but a peck on the nose and a pair of blue balls, and I also think it worsens the opinion on genders: women are a bunch of oblivious bubbleheads who friendzone nice guys in favor of douchebags that will most likely fail to commit, or provide, or whatever you're supposed to do in a relationship for it to work, and men are insatiable roosters who want nothing more than getting familiar with as many cock-docks as possible. What if they have nothing in common, if we must really give personality to two constructions of ones and zeros that exist solely for the purpose of one being kidnapped so that the player can jump on turtles with the other anyway. Or maybe Mario declines any advances or rewards from Peach because he's not into women, or because he has to remain a lonely hermit hero, as some obscure religious cult demands that a good-doing plumber-monk should be, I mean this situation doesn't seem to be explained, so the possibilities are endless. But no, we just stick to this idiotic presumption that Peach just can't get the point that Mario wants to put his little plumber in her. If he's so sexually deprived he puts the vague possibility of having sex before his life, why doesn't he just screw a mushroom boy, or jerk off?

 

[ShirowShirow]

Yeah, it's funny. I don't think Nintendo's ever, it a quarter century, ever actually clarified Mario and Peach's relationship.

 

[Gunjester]

So if someone is against same sex marriage we call them a homophobe. If someone is against cross species marriage we call them a xenophobe. What do we call someone who is against human / robot marriage... and isn't it the same thing as the other two? If you're all about fair sexual preference then what's wrong with Joker and Edi? For that matter, what's wrong with pacman and pacman? Your position makes no sense.

Cross-species marriage is still a biological relationship, so human/robot marriage/love - especially if you believe in souls - is essentially masturbation but with an interactive object. If you fall in love with a robot you're loving the illusion of a personality and essentially sleeping with a hyper-advanced sex-doll. Once again if you believe in souls and their connection to love, it's only real love if there's a connection in souls so...yeah...

Anyways, as for pacman and ms. pacman, although Dorkly made the drag joke before and Robot Chicken already pointed this out with the Disney crew, it's just sexual narcissism, not a regular same-sex union.

And he said he was cool with same-sex marriage, he never said he wasn't a xenophobe or a robophobe or whatever.

 

[Gunjester]

Yeah, it's funny. I don't think Nintendo's ever, it a quarter century, ever actually clarified Mario and Peach's relationship.

Clarified hers and Bowser's as a sexual one with at least one child...

 

[Callate]

James Sunderland and Maria in Silent Hill 2?

Spoiler

Yeah, I'm drawn to you, but your entire existence is based on my need to punish myself by seeing you get violently murdered. Repeatedly. And in the end, I may murder you myself because I'm tired of punishing myself. Or I may decide I never really deserved to punish myself, in which case your reward for my actually pursuing a relationship with you is apparently to get the disease that killed my wife.

Counseling ain't gonna fix this one, folks.

 

[hazydawn]

You see the author always gives reasons why he put the couple or the individual in the spot.

I did't say he gave no reasons just that they are really poor.

The Dragon Age romance was there [edit] because of how easily you could trip into the romance. Most people who want to derail this point will argue how you could not have misinterpreted the advances of our dashing elven assasin but as a matter of fact there is quite a vocal minority on the internet that begs to differ. Quite a few people just stumbled into this romance without wanting to. The ones assembled here are mostly quite aware how to avoid such traps but let us not fool ouselves that we had to aquire this awarness through long hours of playing similar games and knowing how certain triggers are signaled in a storyline of nonlinear storytelling. A great deal of people do not have this awarness.

This awareness how you call it would be common sense in this case. Have you seen the romance with him? It might be true that you easily give him the impression that he may has chances with you, but to sleep with him you would have to like I said ignore the dialogue and klick something or be totally stupid.

 

[Jachwe]

You see the author always gives reasons why he put the couple or the individual in the spot.

I did't say he gave no reasons just that they are really poor.

The Dragon Age romance was there [edit] because of how easily you could trip into the romance. Most people who want to derail this point will argue how you could not have misinterpreted the advances of our dashing elven assasin but as a matter of fact there is quite a vocal minority on the internet that begs to differ. Quite a few people just stumbled into this romance without wanting to. The ones assembled here are mostly quite aware how to avoid such traps but let us not fool ouselves that we had to aquire this awarness through long hours of playing similar games and knowing how certain triggers are signaled in a storyline of nonlinear storytelling. A great deal of people do not have this awarness.

This awareness how you call it would be common sense in this case. Have you seen the romance with him? It might be true that you easily give him the impression that he may has chances with you, but to sleep with him you would have to like I said ignore the dialogue and klick something or be totally stupid.

So we are in agreement. You see my argument was aimed at that attitude you are presenting. Thinking this awarness as I call it is commmon sense is the high stuck attitude of a self entitled gamer culture who does not reflect upon its own weltanschauung and how it works thus just being arrogant towards anyone who is not that deep into the trenches of gaming culture as oneself and understanding how choices are presented within the nonlinear storytelling of the particular genre we are currently discussing.

[...] the "i slipped into the gay romance" of Dragon Age [is] at the bottom as to mention the romance but not placing it higher or else you are the greatest homophobe ever.

Am I really understanding you correctly that your calling me "the greatest homophobe ever"?

No by no means I am calling you the "greatest homophobe ever". The "you" is the not direct "you" as in "anyone" or "someone". I am not a native speaker of the enlgish language but the english language has the use of "you" meaning "someone" but not "you in particular". This was meant as a general statment in my argument as in "if someone put the romance higher on a list this someone would be accused of being the greatest homophobe ever". Putting it further into context I stated how this list consistet of popular and recognizable choices and the same sex romance of Dragon Age is well known.

The romacne between Joker and EDI is placed there because if you spell it out it is a man loving his computer. Not regarding that EDI is an AI and in the Mass Effect universe an AI is pretty much a sentient being in contrast to a virtual intelligence.

And again his weak reasoning which is actually just: "Dude WTF it's not human! ZOMG!"
For the Pacman one it would be something like: "Dude WTF it's homo! ZOMG!"

Seeing how someone who says that the escapist is known for witty arguments is himself not that witty it hurts my heart. If you had read the post of me you are quoting from you would know better than to call the relationship of pacman as presented in the video and for the sake of the joke gay. The joke is that Pacman is literaly (look up the word if you dont know the denotation of literal) Ms. Pacman him/herself and not in love with someone else. That is not "homo" that is narcism. Look that word up. I have the suspicion you are not a native speaker and have not that broad of a vocabulary.

 

[Sehnsucht Engel]

Shouldn't Zelda and Link have been on this list as well? They seem to have something similar to Mario and Peach.

I actually liked Joker and EDI's relationship too. She may have been an AI, but she was also his ship and since he was the pilot it fit even better. They went through a lot together, and if you pick the synthesis ending, like I did, they end up as equals in a way.

 

[Marik2]

Ellie and Norton -Dead Space 3

Exactly what I was going to say.
God that love triangle was the worst idea anyone can put in a game like Dead Space.

Not to mention .. Ellie was dumbed down into a very stereotypical and unreasonable character. Poor Isaac man.

On topic: This video was good, more depth into the reasons would suffice but he nailed Mario's and Peach's relationship. That dude deserves an award for rescuing someone with getting little to no award back for all of his rescue attempts, which he succeeds every time.

Would love to see him rage in the game

 

[Evil Smurf]

1. Lisa Foiles was better at this
2. This is the unfunny that is all over youtube the internet.
3. I expect better from the programming on the escapist.
4. Thank God for Jim, that man has charisma and style.

 

[Taunta]

Well. I watched expecting something well-reasoned and thought out--or failing that, funny--but I came out mostly disappointed as this video was neither. I didn't find Jovenshire as awkward in front of a camera as others did. My issues came from the content itself.

The reasoning behind these is very weak. The example with Mr. and Ms. Pac-man was superficial at best and offensive at worst. He even prefaced number five with "I have nothing against romance between two men" too, and yet the argument in #2 came off as "Ms. Pac-man is a man", considering his reliance on the "Einhorn is a MAN" joke. If he had refrained from relying on that joke to carry his reasoning this could probably have been avoided and passed off as "Pac-man is dating himself". That's less offensive, but still fallacious. It's entirely speculation based on sprite limitations in 1982. If Namco said they're separate characters, they're separate characters.

On the same line of thought, number five was a complaint about the dialogue system. It had nothing to do with the romance itself.

Additionally, his list is comprised of apples and oranges. #2 and #1 aren't even romances in the same sense as his other examples. I don't know anyone who plays Super Mario games for story or rich characterizations, and I'm not sure Pac-man and/or Ms. Pac-man have stories or characterizations to speak of. How can you possibly compare them to e.g. Dragon Age, a series that actually puts a lot of effort in attempting to have believable characters and romances?

In fact, the only entry in which he actually brushed on the chemistry between the two characters was in number four, but only barely.

In short: Didn't find it funny or insightful, and hardly talked about the intended topic. Didn't achieve what it aimed to do. Sorry bud.

 

[Draconalis]

Yeah, it's funny. I don't think Nintendo's ever, it a quarter century, ever actually clarified Mario and Peach's relationship.

Clarified hers and Bowser's as a sexual one with at least one child...

Wait... what? Did I miss something along the way?

 

[Taunta]

Yeah, it's funny. I don't think Nintendo's ever, it a quarter century, ever actually clarified Mario and Peach's relationship.

Clarified hers and Bowser's as a sexual one with at least one child...

Wait... what? Did I miss something along the way?

I think they're referring to Super Mario Sunshine, in which Baby Bowser is ostensibly Peach's son? But it gets revealed at the end that he's not really.

 

[ZexionSephiroth]

Oh man... Every time I hear about romance, I die a little inside.

...Because for some reason, I can't feel love for any normal human being. And I can't even be bothered to have any kind of attraction, even sexual, without it.

So, my personal most hated romance? All real ones.

I mean, every time I see two people kissing I roll my eyes; they rarely if ever actually seem to be in any kind of "Serious Relationship". They are just freaking looking like they are playing around. No, really, the way most young people kiss in real life is way too playful to look like there's anything actually going on under the surface.

Real relationships, as I've seen them, are just a freaking game for these people.

Really, do they even know how to establish an actual dynamic to base a romantic relationship on?

That's kind of what TRUE romance SHOULD be: Two people joining together to provide a specific role to make both feel complete. The Vulnerable one finding one to Protect them, a Student and their Teacher, Leader and Follower, Two Rivals in competition, Healer and Guy who takes a lot of hits.

You know how many times I've seen one of these roles, or any role, actually played out in reality?

NEVER!

You know how many times I've seen relationships fall apart because they didn't have a role like this holding them together?

EVERY SINGLE TIME!

At least movies understand the need for a real dynamic to make a relationship work. Real people seem to be unable to understand that true love is something that is built on the bones of a relationship that actually makes both of you stronger.

Guys, I hate to say it, but I think Romance is dead.

... And it's not coming back from the grave until we learn exactly what it is we personally need out of our relationships before we pursue them.

Me? I need a girl who can keep me pointed in the right direction. Some kind of leader. One with awe inspiring confidence and determination, and is able to inspire it in me. Preferably able to lead from both the commander's tent and from the head of the army, as a great general and Warrior. And in return, I will be her most Loyal Knight, performing whatever duties she requires of me, and for the most part, working alongside her in the thick of whatever we strive towards.

...

... Doubt that will actually happen though. Regardless of if we're talking metaphorical or Literal...

That stuff just refuses to fly.

 

[johnnnny guitar]

Well that was painful to watch I wonder if he can pull a Jim and have me like him eventually I doubt it though.

On the other hand if any of you folks want videos containing Joshua (The dude in this video) that are actually funny.....

 

[likalaruku]

I'm a fan of the Friendzone when it comes to the Mario, Zelda, &Batman, I don't care who the pairing is.

 

[IronMit]

Otacon and Niaomi is MGS4

 

[hazydawn]

So we are in agreement. You see my argument was aimed at that attitude you are presenting. Thinking this awarness as I call it is commmon sense is the high stuck attitude of a self entitled gamer culture who does not reflect upon its own weltanschauung and how it works thus just being arrogant towards anyone who is not that deep into the trenches of gaming culture as oneself and understanding how choices are presented within the nonlinear storytelling of the particular genre we are currently discussing.

In agreement about what exactly. I don't see how I agree with you on anything about the DA romance.
It has nothing to do with how deep you are into gaming. I can only assume you haven't played it yourself or if you did, not went for the Zevran romance. You are ignoring why I said it is so obvious and I won't repeat myself.
Just watch the Zevran romance on Youtube or something. If you really think you have sex with him without knowing that it would come to this it is hopeless to argue with you.

PS: Yeah I later got what you were trying to say myself that's why I edited my post, but you were faster

PPS: Wow you can use Weltanschauung as an English word, even though there is "worldview" guess you never stop learning :0
I'm German myself, that's why it catched my eye.

Edit:

Seeing how someone who says that the escapist is known for witty arguments is himself not that witty it hurts my heart. If you had read the post of me you are quoting from you would know better than to call the relationship of pacman as presented in the video and for the sake of the joke gay. The joke is that Pacman is literaly (look up the word if you dont know the denotation of literal) Ms. Pacman him/herself and not in love with someone else. That is not "homo" that is narcism. Look that word up. I have the suspicion you are not a native speaker and have not that broad of a vocabulary.

Well congratulations for being so witty and arrogant then! You are right I'm not a native speaker and I did misunderstand what he was trying to say about Pacman. Mainly because I never watched Ace Ventura and didn't bother to look up what he meant by that reference. Maybe you should look "literaly" up and discover that it is written "literally", sorry for being a grammar nazi but you come off way to arrogant.
Btw I never said that I think of myself to be witty(god that word starts to sound weird in my head).

 

[Alfador_VII]

Right, I've watched the first 3 to let every presenter have a chance now, and this series is a definite no.

Before I get into the content of the video itself, this series has the lowest production values of anything I've ever seen on the Escapist, and I've been here for years.

On the parts where the host is in front of the standard red background, the aliasing is worse than anything I've seen since the ZX Spectrum. What software are you guys using? because you're definitely not doing it right.

As for this Top 5, the presenter is less awkward than the guy from last week, but as far as I'm concerned none of his attempts at humour worked remotely.

He also comes across as somewhat bigoted if not homophobic.

TLDR: I've given this a fair shot with all 3 hosts, and won't be watching more.

 

[tippy2k2]

Right, I've watched the first 3 to let every presenter have a chance now, and this series is a definite no.

Before I get into the content of the video itself, this series has the lowest production values of anything I've ever seen on the Escapist, and I've been here for years.

On the parts where the host is in front of the standard red background, the aliasing is worse than anything I've seen since the ZX Spectrum. What software are you guys using? because you're definitely not doing it right.

As for this Top 5, the presenter is less awkward than the guy from last week, but as far as I'm concerned none of his attempts at humour worked remotely.

He also comes across as somewhat bigoted if not homophobic.

TLDR: I've given this a fair shot with all 3 hosts, and won't be watching more.

Amen to that. I thought this the first week, actually stated it the second week [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/forums/read/6.400571-Top-5-Friday-Top-5-First-Person-Shooters?page=2#16469926], and am now giving up on the series this third week.

Nothing is changing at all with this series. I don't know who these guys are or why their opinion should matter over the millions of other voices out on the internet. The lists have all just been generic and boring. Lastly, the production values look like something I'd expect out of a college project, NOT a group of guys who are actually receiving money to do this. All three presenters stumble over their own words and stand in front of a generic background.

If something changes I might come back eventually but at this point, I'm just going to have to write this video off as a decent try that fell flat until it proves to me otherwise.