Turning Someone Down.
- Thread starter Bat Vader
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Well it is complicated. Yes. Attraction and people are usually complicated. I have had to turn down and I have been turned down both in extreme ends of the scale of problematic. I guess you learn more each time or it damages you in strange ways.
Being male, it is still weird to be hit upon but honestly I don't have much choice as I find myself unable to hold a confident mask through such traditional assertions.
I would rather not detail any on here, as I often go into too much detail trying to explain everything and none were particularly simple.
However lately have had trouble going out and dealing with people for the last couple of years, so neither has occured in a while. Quite unfortunate to not have that feeling of heart stimulation but with a little professional help over enough time may help.
Captcha: Modern love. Oh, care to elaborate, captchy?
Being male, it is still weird to be hit upon but honestly I don't have much choice as I find myself unable to hold a confident mask through such traditional assertions.
I would rather not detail any on here, as I often go into too much detail trying to explain everything and none were particularly simple.
However lately have had trouble going out and dealing with people for the last couple of years, so neither has occured in a while. Quite unfortunate to not have that feeling of heart stimulation but with a little professional help over enough time may help.
Captcha: Modern love. Oh, care to elaborate, captchy?
I'm rarely put in the position where I feel I need to turn someone down. I don't usually get asked outright since that's traditionally the guy's job in most people's eyes, and if I do, it's in clubs where I can't hear shit (nothing kills the mood like having to repeat yourself 5 times). I've historically been pretty dense when it comes to flirtation and attraction, although I'm fairly sure I'm not harem protagonist levels of useless. Either it goes over my head or I have no idea how to react, 'luckily' it's been more the latter as of late. I have had it where a friend of mine outright told me that she liked me and I didn't even register that she meant it like that. It was pretty much out of nowhere during a chat on Facebook a few days after we had first met where we were talking about what music we liked, so I assumed she was approving of my music taste. I only found out about this 2 years later on the same night as the main event in question.
TL;DR: Friend likes me. I like friend. We hang out. I completely miss her attempts at flirting. Culminates during one night. Self-doubt makes me question my feels. I crash and burn in the most spectacular but perplexing way.
Luckily, we're still really good friends, but I regret not just taking the plunge since, looking back at it, none of my self-doubts were really well-founded. This has helped me become a lot more confident with these sorts of things, and while I'm still fairly shit with girls, I'm much more confident in myself.
I've really only ever properly turned someone down once, and I really regret it. Two years ago, during my last year of sixth form, me and a friend of mine, who I was quite attracted to, started getting pretty close. We hung out quite a bit, and she would sometimes cuddle up to me or act a bit flirty. I didn't think much of it since, to my eyes at least, this was just her being friendly and playing around. Fast forward to that summer and we start hanging out quite a bit. I start to twig that she may have a thing for me, but I'm not sure. Eventually more and more things start to click and I'm pretty sure she has a thing for me. Problem is, she is pretty shit at the whole 'guys' thing, which leaves two people who are shit with the opposite sex aimless stumbling around the issue like a couple of knobends. At this point I kinda had a thing for her as well, but as things go on and time passes, I start to second guess myself, since I was pretty antsy about relationships at this time. Is this a thing because she's flirting with? Do I actually only like her for her looks? Am I being a dick right now? Yeah I'm really my own worst enemy at this point.
This whole thing culminates on the last group night out before we all start heading off to uni. During pre-drinks, we do the usual thing of drunken question games, during which one of the questions directed at my friend was 'Out of all the guys in the room, who would you most like sleep with?' (or something to that effect ). She answers '[insert real name here]'. 'YUS!' Off to a flying start. Later that night, we're in our usual club. Everyone's pretty happily sloshed and dancing. Me and my friend have been flirting a bit throughout the night. I come up behind and poke her sides, like I normally do. She turns around, pulls my face to hers and next thing I know, we're making out. I'm fucking loving it. Later on, I'm outside talking with another friend (the same friend whose bluntness went straight over my head two years hence) and we're talking about a bunch of stuff like how she liked me at the start of sixth form, all the good times we had there and about uni. We get on to the subject of me and my friend. In my drunken mind, I start to weigh up whether or not I want to make this a thing. I somehow convince myself that I only like her for shallow reasons and I say what I had been kind of feeling. With that, this whole thing comes crashing down. The friend who I had been chatting with tells my friend what I've said and the next time I see her that night, she's outside being comforted my one of best friends' boyfriend as she bawls her eyes out. I couldn't hear what exactly she was saying, but when I want over to ask her what was up, she said she was "fine" and that it was nothing. This obviously wasn't 'nothing' that she was 'fine' with, or else she would have told me. I pretty much gather it was because of me. I comfort her and give her a hug and kiss on the head, and head home.
This whole thing culminates on the last group night out before we all start heading off to uni. During pre-drinks, we do the usual thing of drunken question games, during which one of the questions directed at my friend was 'Out of all the guys in the room, who would you most like sleep with?' (or something to that effect ). She answers '[insert real name here]'. 'YUS!' Off to a flying start. Later that night, we're in our usual club. Everyone's pretty happily sloshed and dancing. Me and my friend have been flirting a bit throughout the night. I come up behind and poke her sides, like I normally do. She turns around, pulls my face to hers and next thing I know, we're making out. I'm fucking loving it. Later on, I'm outside talking with another friend (the same friend whose bluntness went straight over my head two years hence) and we're talking about a bunch of stuff like how she liked me at the start of sixth form, all the good times we had there and about uni. We get on to the subject of me and my friend. In my drunken mind, I start to weigh up whether or not I want to make this a thing. I somehow convince myself that I only like her for shallow reasons and I say what I had been kind of feeling. With that, this whole thing comes crashing down. The friend who I had been chatting with tells my friend what I've said and the next time I see her that night, she's outside being comforted my one of best friends' boyfriend as she bawls her eyes out. I couldn't hear what exactly she was saying, but when I want over to ask her what was up, she said she was "fine" and that it was nothing. This obviously wasn't 'nothing' that she was 'fine' with, or else she would have told me. I pretty much gather it was because of me. I comfort her and give her a hug and kiss on the head, and head home.
TL;DR: Friend likes me. I like friend. We hang out. I completely miss her attempts at flirting. Culminates during one night. Self-doubt makes me question my feels. I crash and burn in the most spectacular but perplexing way.
Luckily, we're still really good friends, but I regret not just taking the plunge since, looking back at it, none of my self-doubts were really well-founded. This has helped me become a lot more confident with these sorts of things, and while I'm still fairly shit with girls, I'm much more confident in myself.
basically it was "oh look! this guy wants to be my BF I've always wanted a BF...or at least that's what I'm supposed to want" then to "uggghh this actually requires effort and emotional resources and now he wants to have sex with me, dear lord"Bat Vader said:
I had this weird girl in 1st and 3rd grade that was into me. A very rude girl and her demeanor sort of scared me.
[sub][sub][sub][sub][sub][sub][sub]for what?[/sub][/sub][/sub][/sub][/sub][/sub][/sub]
[sub][sub][sub][sub][sub][sub][sub]for what?[/sub][/sub][/sub][/sub][/sub][/sub][/sub]
Turning someone down is easy! Just develop a crippling speech impediment like mine and watch folks of both genders cross the street to avoid you. Never have to worry about women or men again!
...Downside is that you'll have a terrible time finding a job, getting into a PhD program and doing anything of value with your life.
...Downside is that you'll have a terrible time finding a job, getting into a PhD program and doing anything of value with your life.
Many times. First time was when a good friend of my sister asked me to be her boyfriend in maybe the 6th grade.
I don't see any issue at all, and I don't really know what this topic is about or what purpose it serves. I'm sure we have all turned someone down at some point.
These days I am not single, so I have to turn down the low-hanging fruit at bars on the regular, when I'm out. Makes me feel good though, when women hit on me, as I'm sure it would anyone else.
I don't see any issue at all, and I don't really know what this topic is about or what purpose it serves. I'm sure we have all turned someone down at some point.
These days I am not single, so I have to turn down the low-hanging fruit at bars on the regular, when I'm out. Makes me feel good though, when women hit on me, as I'm sure it would anyone else.
Not at all. I don't know if this is a regular reaction or not, but I've never felt threatened by gay men, even gay men attracted to me. It's no different than women who are attracted to me, that I don't find attractive. Most of them were simply co-workers at jobs, so it wasn't anything really major. We didn't have an active social life together. One guy was a classmate from higschool that I bumped into years later, and he just asked me out. I never saw him again after that, but that was simply because we were never in the same circle of friends to begin with.Silvanus said:
One of the guys was in my gaming group, and even with him it wasn't a big deal. I was totally fine with it, and I think, after a brief period of embarrassment/awkwardness on his part, he relaxed about it and was fine. We would joke about his sexuality all the time, not just me, the whole group, him included. I would playfully poke him in the butt when he would move around the gaming table, I would talk to him in the stereotypical soft voiced gay guy voice, and make joking passes at him, to which he would respond in kind. We had fun with it.
Are you considering asking a friend out or something? And thus worried about the fallout from it?
Since this is the Escapist, I'll try and not be too judgemental in regards to Hentai - but I will say that most of that shit is either really fucked up or catering towards an extremely socially insecure (or particularly inexperienced) male. Watching Hentai is probably not a good sign either way, I'd say; but maybe that is my prejudice talking.Eclipse Dragon said:
To the question of people feeling inadequate because their partner watches porn: It is just a matter of lack of confidence and insecurity. In my experience women have a tendency of getting jealous because of dumb stuff like that (porn) whereas many of my friends have been getting jealous because of their girlfriends "best friend", "old schoolmate", "random guy at the bar" or whatever constantly.
I don't really have that problem, because I don't expect my girlfriend to cheat on me, just like I wouldn't cheat on her - though I have been suspected of doing so several times. Usually relationships are short-lived after that.
One of my ex-girlfriends had a problem with me watching porn. We had a debate back and forth. I tried explaining that since we weren't living together I had to get my rocks off sometimes, and was only ever with her on the weekend. She started the whole spiel about her not looking like a pornstar and is that the type of woman that I liked. I had to do the whole reassurance speech and actually had a good thing come of it after I made her realise one particular thing: If she gave me some videos, or we made some together, I wouldn't have to get my rocks off to anyone but her.
After a few minutes conversation, she was more than up for it. Good times.
And what, exactly, makes you so sure everyone's turned down someone else at some point?s0denone said:
Well, that would evidently just be conjecture on my part.Jack Action said:
I surmise perhaps not everyone has, but at least where I live (Denmark) there's just about at least one for everyone, if you're looking, and most people are ;-)
If you don't go looking for it though, I suppose it may be difficult - but I think just about everyone, assuming they hit the nightclubs once in a while, will experience the option to do it sooner rather than later!
If we are talking in an workplace-environment or about in our daily lives, it much more random and less reliable.
Nightclub or no, being hit on requires one to be at least somewhat attractive, which a fair amount of people, even though not most, aren't.s0denone said:
Hah, I don't know about that. In my experience your own attractivesness merely changes the attractiveness of the one hitting on you, whereas the way you carry yourself plays a major role in whether you are being approached on not.Jack Action said:
Maybe I should recant my previous statement, though. Maybe the stereotypical "Escapist Member" hasn't been hit on, though I would naturally hope otherwise!
I also disagree that "not most" people aren't attractive. I think the average girl is like a 5-6 on the scale 1-10 scale, which I suppose could be classified as "mildly attractive"? Men would be the same.
Generally the problem with people spending too much time on their computer is that they have a tendency of being overweight. You don't even have to be desperately skinny or slim - just average, to qualify as a 5 or 6 for some people. Everything comes down to taste anyway, and there are plenty of chubby-chasing women
Oh, come now, few are going to hit on the 1s, 2s, 3s, and 4s, even others of the same... level, if you will, and I'm well aware that being blunt about this might be considered cruel.s0denone said:Hah, I don't know about that. In my experience your own attractivesness merely changes the attractiveness of the one hitting on you, whereas the way you carry yourself plays a major role in whether you are being approached on not.
Maybe I should recant my previous statement, though. Maybe the stereotypical "Escapist Member" hasn't been hit on, though I would naturally hope otherwise!
I also disagree that "not most" people aren't attractive. I think the average girl is like a 5-6 on the scale 1-10 scale, which I suppose could be classified as "mildly attractive"? Men would be the same.
Generally the problem with people spending too much time on their computer is that they have a tendency of being overweight. You don't even have to be desperately skinny or slim - just average, to qualify as a 5 or 6 for some people. Everything comes down to taste anyway, and there are plenty of chubby-chasing women
The average person would by definition be a 5, yes. I phrased that badly, figured it was too obvious to bother re-phrasing it. That still leaves a lot of 1s to 4s.
Also, I was just getting the feeling my ass looks a smidge too big. Maybe it's the pants.
I agree generally people don't go for people that look like they were just diving around the dumpster in a dank back-alley, but if we are toying with the idea that an average person is a 5-6, then I postulate that those people, were they to actually go to a nightclub with a couple mates and not act like social outcasts, would get hit on.Jack Action said:
Thus I reach the conclusion that the average person has been hit on.
Hey I know where you're coming from. I've lost about ~20 pounds over the past year myself by changing my diet and starting to work out more regularly. I hope you go for it
Err... okay?Burned Hand said:
Bah. BAH, I SAY! I can't argue this without being an overly pedantic knobhead. Well played, sir, well played.s0denone said:
...hey, it was a good opportunity for a bad joke.Also, I was just getting the feeling my ass looks a smidge too big. Maybe it's the pants.
Hey I know where you're coming from. I've lost about ~20 pounds over the past year myself by changing my diet and starting to work out more regularly. I hope you go for it
I know what it meant, I just don't see your point.Burned Hand said:Sorry, I edited too late.
The bell curve, the "normal distribution" is the basis of 1-10 ratings systems. You can see what I meant from that image I think?
Well, you get props for having the most roundabout way of saying "no, actually most people will get hit on" imaginable. Which is technically true, I guess, because assuming 5s get hit on too, that means 5s and up get hit on and in total there's more 5s and higher than 4s and lower.Burned Hand said:
Lucky for me, the only people who have been attracted to me have had these feelings while I was already engaged to somebody. Makes it a lot easier to have a reason for turning somebody down that's not "You're not my type/attractive to me/interesting etc". What made it a lot harder with one of them was that I regularly worked with them in theatre, which is quite touchy feely. We both knew they still liked me for the year I was working with them and we did get on really well. I felt really bad.