Understanding Polygamy

Parasondox

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[Insert catchy intro here]

And the understand continues in my young but ageing life.

Polygamy
noun
the practice or custom of having more than one wife or husband at the same time.
Yes, I am a few thousand years late on that subject but it still has me wondering how it works outside of religion. As any of us in our young development mind were told, "Marriage is between one man and one woman" and may have believed that was true. No, not entirely true. Marriages/relationships comes in many different shapes and sizes. Interracial marriages/relationships, same sex marriages/relationships are becoming more accepted in today's society than it was 50 years ago and that's a great thing. Yes, there is still a lot of negative tension by those who oppose it but the world is becoming more open minded.

However, what isn't talked about much or just seems "taboo" is polygamy. In certain cultures it's normal. The more wives you have, the more blessed you are. Or even the bigger your household, the better God shares his blessing and good fortune. I can't really judge that cause I do not know much about that.

A few years ago, I had an ex who wondered and desired to have two boyfriends at the same time. Two people to love her and she loved them both. Many questions can come from that, mostly, "can you love two people at the same time"? Could you? No, I am not talking about open relationships where one person has flings with someone else outside of the relationship OR having a kinky swingers party once in a while. I am talking about starting a deep relationship with two people. Having all three agree to love one another and maybe grow into something more. Unfortunately marriage may not be the answer cause in many countries, polygamy is illegal.

Two men and one woman, one man and two women, maybe same gendered polygamy relationship. It doesn't have to be 3 but 4. Okay let's stick to three. So allow me to ask, what would your reaction be if your partner wanted to try a polygamous relationship? Would it be something that bothered you? Something you are open too? Have you, yourself, even been in a polygamous relationship or currently in one? Or is the simple answer, love is love and it's something you just can't control.

There is no judging here cause this is an open discussion and respecting opinions and views is something I am about and I know others can be too.
 

Queen Michael

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I was in an open relationship once. I still bear scars. So nope. I wouldn't like it. It'd hurt too much, knowing that my girlfriend needed another person while I only needed her.
 

Parasondox

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Queen Michael said:
I was in an open relationship once. I still bear scars. So nope. I wouldn't like it. It'd hurt too much, knowing that my girlfriend needed another person while I only needed her.
I am sorry to hear that, Queen Michael and I felt the same way you did. Questioning myself thinking, "She needs another guy to make her feel fully loved but, for me, I only needed her in my life to feel complete".
 

Queen Michael

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Paradox SuXcess said:
Queen Michael said:
I was in an open relationship once. I still bear scars. So nope. I wouldn't like it. It'd hurt too much, knowing that my girlfriend needed another person while I only needed her.
I am sorry to hear that, Queen Michael and I felt the same way you did. Questioning myself thinking, "She needs another guy to make her feel fully loved but, for me, I only needed her in my life to feel complete".
Yeah. I was fine with having an open relationship. You're always gonna know other people you'd like to have sex with if given the chance. But when I asked her who she'd choose of me and her sexbuddy, and she said she couldn't choose, I was crushed. I'd thought I was special. *sigh* It was bad enough that, of the two of us, she was the only one who'd been able to find a sexbuddy.

Ugh. I need a drink. A big one. (No alcohol though. Let's not go overboard.)
 

Parasondox

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Queen Michael said:
Paradox SuXcess said:
Queen Michael said:
I was in an open relationship once. I still bear scars. So nope. I wouldn't like it. It'd hurt too much, knowing that my girlfriend needed another person while I only needed her.
I am sorry to hear that, Queen Michael and I felt the same way you did. Questioning myself thinking, "She needs another guy to make her feel fully loved but, for me, I only needed her in my life to feel complete".
Yeah. I was fine with having an open relationship. You're always gonna know other people you'd like to have sex with if given the chance. But when I asked her who she'd choose of me and her sexbuddy, and she said she couldn't choose, I was crushed. I'd thought I was special. *sigh* It was bad enough that, of the two of us, she was the only one who'd been able to find a sexbuddy.

Ugh. I need a drink. A big one. (No alcohol though. Let's not go overboard.)
That's seriously rough and don't have Mountain Dew as a substitute. I had it once and wow is it awful. How can people drink that. I do hope everything goes okay for you> I didn't know what else to add so I tried terrible humour.
 

Queen Michael

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Paradox SuXcess said:
Queen Michael said:
Paradox SuXcess said:
Queen Michael said:
I was in an open relationship once. I still bear scars. So nope. I wouldn't like it. It'd hurt too much, knowing that my girlfriend needed another person while I only needed her.
I am sorry to hear that, Queen Michael and I felt the same way you did. Questioning myself thinking, "She needs another guy to make her feel fully loved but, for me, I only needed her in my life to feel complete".
Yeah. I was fine with having an open relationship. You're always gonna know other people you'd like to have sex with if given the chance. But when I asked her who she'd choose of me and her sexbuddy, and she said she couldn't choose, I was crushed. I'd thought I was special. *sigh* It was bad enough that, of the two of us, she was the only one who'd been able to find a sexbuddy.

Ugh. I need a drink. A big one. (No alcohol though. Let's not go overboard.)
That's seriously rough and don't have Mountain Dew as a substitute. I had it once and wow is it awful. How can people drink that. I do hope everything goes okay for you> I didn't know what else to add so I tried terrible humour.
For what it's worth, your humour did make me laugh. And don't worry, I won't do the dew. The dew is ew.
 

Saetha

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Hmm. I have absolutely zero experience with open relationships or loving two people at once or whatever, but the idea doesn't exactly appeal to me. I'm not a terribly needy, emotional, or social person - one boyfriend's hard enough to manage with my general lack of intimacy, I don't think I'd ever manage to have enough for two, much less want that. I'd constantly compare them, pick a favorite, give him more attention - and then I'd feel like a ***** for stringing the other along. I just don't think I need that level of - what, affection? Attention? I don't think I'd even want it. Hell, I typically find light flirtation is often more intimate than I'd like. I hate when people raise a fuss over me, and two guys doing it at once? Eugh.

As for being one of the legs in a polygamist triangle - well, then I'd just feel inadequate. It's probably silly, but I've always liked those stupid notions about true love and all that. Being with a guy who also needed some other girl (Or... some other guy, if he swung that way) to be happy... I'd just feel like a fling, no matter what he says. If I really were all that special, he wouldn't need someone else. I mean, it's not special if he's giving it to some other girl, too. Given my own tendency to insecurity and self-deprecation, I'd just end up feeling miserable and worthless.

I don't think I'd be able to handle something like that. Keeping one guy would be so much simpler. I don't even have much of a sex drive, so I don't see any reason why I'd need more.
 

Joseph Harrison

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I honestly don't think it would work because there's something kinda selfish and jealous about love. I've been in a relationship for two years with my girlfriend and maybe this is because it's my first relationship and her first serious one, but I feel like actually sick at the idea of her being with someone else and I don't want to share her. We are each other's. Maybe that's weird or conservative or close minded but I couldn't believe that someone loved me if they were with someone else. There would always be that thought in my head that she loves him more, or she's just stinging me along.
 

sageoftruth

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This is really interesting. I've always wondered what it was that made people so possessive in a relationship. Thanks for enlightening me.

It's also neat to hear accounts from people who have actually tried open relationships before.
 

Hagi

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I'm a fairly solitary person. I already get itchy when I see couples who do like freaking everything together (if you wear matching clothing, please stay away from me). A single girlfriend with a solid life of her own I could probably manage and enjoy. One who wants constant companionship I'd already pass on. Two of them? No thanks.

Besides, I don't really see the point. What are two girls going to give what one can't, if she's the right one?

As for being on the other side of it, mostly seems like a lot of potential drama and risk for essentially no benefit whatsoever.

I'll set my sights on just one woman. And heck, there's occasionally times when I doubt even that.
 

Asita

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Never really sounded like my cup of tea, and - knowing what I do about myself and my tendencies - I can't help but think I'd ultimately end up favoring one paramour over the other(s), and I'd rather not subject that on anyone. I might give it the old college try if my girlfriend suggested it, but I lean heavily towards it being a bad omen for the relationship, especially if the third party ends up being someone that I myself could not be attracted to[footnote]I think I'll call my train of thought here the "Triangle clause". Three people in a relationship can be represented as the three corners of the triangle. Each side of that triangle represents a mutual attraction. If any of the three sides are not present, the shape/relationship will inevitably collapse.[/footnote]. As I see it, polyamory is intrinsically tricky water to navigate, at least when done right (and making sure you do it right is another layer of trickiness entirely).
 

Casual Shinji

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Having never had a romantic relationship in my life I can only equate polygamy to being a third wheel. One person is eventually going to be or feel like they're being left out, which creates jealousy, resentment, and probably a whole host of other poisonous emotions.
 

Rahkshi500

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Well if I'm with someone who wished to have a polyamorous relationship, I would be open to it, because I've have the same thoughts too of what it would be like and if it would suit me at all. Obviously, though, there will some talking about to be sure to fully know what it would entail and what we would be getting into, but one of the most important things about being in a polyamorous relationship is being able properly deal with one's insecurities.
 

MetalShadowChaos

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I would think that it could only really work if all parties are ok with all parties. I can imagine such a scenario with all 3 members of such a relationship in a massive lovecuddle watching TV together. I guess I'm thinking of really close room-mates sort of thing. That's what I think the current 'evolution' of the concept looks like in todays society.
 

Combustion Kevin

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From my point of view, a polygamous relationship can only work if all three involved can love eachother equally, not just two people to love the one person.
And since it is complicated enough for just two people to hold out together, making that three or more is just... well, I'd be thoroughly impressed if I ever came across one such relationship.
 

Sleepy Sol

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To be honest, I'm not sure what to say on this subject.

I am not completely opposed to the idea, but I'm pretty sure it's not really my ideal situation (which would be just having a relationship with one girlfriend). So I'd say generally uncomfortable with the idea, I guess.
 

dragonswarrior

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Paradox SuXcess said:
Hey there OP! Actual "polygamist" here to share with you his personal experience!

So... Yea. I'm in a family that involves 4 people. 2 women and 2 men. We all identify as... well, something other than straight. We're all at least queer. I often wonder whether that helps with things or not... Anyway, I'm involved (romantically) with both women, as is the other guy, and we're best friends. The 2 women meanwhile are each involved (romantically) with both the guys and with each other.

I consider the all the others to my life-partners, and I know they feel the same about me.

And it works beautifully. Now.

We had a REALLY rocky start. It was actually my first partner who decided to start being poly, and she went about it in a fairly shitty way, though not NEARLY as bad as it could have been. Still, there were some breakups and some hard times. Then a LOT of reconciliation and processing. The four of us have been together now for over a year and a half as a foursome (my relationship with my initial partner is close to ten years old now, and I started with my other partner almost two years ago... Like I said, making it to a foursome has been a rocky road.)

Anyway! Like I said. Things are going BEAUTIFULLY now. We all care for and support the shit out of each other. We talk about everything openly and honestly. Cuddling and kissing in front of the others is cool, and no one gets jealous about it anymore. Actually, we don't get jealous about much of anything anymore, though that wasn't true at the start for certain.

*shrugs* Maybe this is more than you wanted. *smiles* But there ya go. It's a process getting rid of all the junk you're raised to believe about romance and marriage and stuff. But lemmee tell ya. It's possible.
 

Rahkshi500

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dragonswarrior said:
That's terrific to hear! I have indeed heard and read up that these kinds of relationships do take a while to get use to and adapt, especially when coming in with all of the baggage about romance and marriage. I'm happy that you and your group are doing well.
 

Imrix

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Honestly, I don't know how I'd deal with it. I like to think I'd be okay with it, but without practice I can't know for sure>

One thing I do know is that it's worth doing a spot of research. In particular, if you think polyamorous relationships are doomed because jealousy, I recommend looking up the term 'compersion'.
 

MoltenSilver

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Do I think its possible for other people to be genuinely happy in such an arrangement? yes

Do I believe I could ever handle it? No. I am very sure that I neither have the emotional energy to satisfy the needs of more than one other person, nor do I have the emotional detachment to be able to share a partner with someone else.