Weird Advice Your Parents Give You

[Thyunda]

"Remember, eyes up your arse."

This seemingly nonsensical statement actually translates to "Obey the rules while driving but be constantly aware that at any second, any other driver might simply abandon the rules and ruin everything." It's pretty great advice. But...uh...."eyes up your arse."

Is there a story to how that phrase came to mean that? I mean, I could understand it meaning "keep a close look on thigns directly behind you", but your meaning seems a bit obscure.

I think 'up your arse' in this context refers to being thorough. It's not just vehicles behind you that are a risk, it's vehicles either side or ahead. I actually have no idea where it comes from other than that. It's Stoke-on-Trent. City appears once every hundred years and everyone's a duck.

 

[EvilRoy]

Bought a rubber raft and the first thing my dad says to me is "use the bike pump, not the compressor". This doesn't seem weird until you know that the compressor in question is a beast of a tank generally intended for filling things like truck and tractor tires.

Turns out it was a reference to my grandfather blowing a rubber raft straight to hell by overfilling it via the biggest damn compressor in the world.

The other advice was "don't bleed propane tanks in the back yard, propane is heavier than air". I don't have a back yard, but once again this is explained by my family having bled off a propane tank in the back yard, only for the propane on the ground to catch light resulting in a small wave of ground level fire. As it happens, I have a balcony so this is a legit bit of advice.

To friends of the family, cousins and random passerby the advice 'watch out for local wildfires' is given with the rider 'and make sure you know where the hose is'. This is in honour of my dumb ass burning scrap in the back yard, only to have my poking stick break and light a tinder dry plant on our arbor on fire. And subsequently tear apart the backyard searching for the hose, while my parents watched through the kitchen window and laughed.

It runs in the family is what I'm saying.

 

[MrFalconfly]

One of the weirdest pieces of advice I ever got was from my dad regarding driving a car in Copenhagen (a wildly different experience if you're from rural Denmark, because generally the traffic is a lot more chaotic, claustrophobic and unpredictable in there).

"If you have trouble navigating, just follow a Taxicab, or an Ambulance".

My response was something along the lines of "How the hell would they know where I want to go?!?"

 

[Scarim Coral]

When I had the cold sore (one of the worse illness I ever had as it cripple my joy of eating) my mum told me to put tooth paste on it.

Ok it turn out this is a legit information (it dry out the infected area better) but still it's an WTH reaction for me!

 

[maninahat]

My grandad always warns me to wear a cheap watch on holidays, or else the Spanish will want to steal it. My grandma taught me that if you bash your elbow, instead of rubbing the source of the tingling pain, you should rub the opposite elbow (the one that didn't get bashed). She also once advised me to become a stripper.

My parents are generally too sensible to give daft advice.

 

[Zontar]

"Montrealers are idiots when on a bike, treat them as such when driving.

Pretty much a paraphrase and a quote my parents have given me a dozen times, usually when my brother or I announce we're driving into the city.

Turns out this is completly true, Montrealers (and from the looks of it, specifically people from the Mount Royal Plateau, or the "socialist republic of Mount Royal as my circle of friends like to call it) are the absolute worst type of bike riders, with absolutely no regard for the rules of the road or safety, both of their own and of those around them. I've had 3 of those people slam into my car. I was stopped at a red light in all 3 cases. ALL THREE!

 

[Lightknight]

The first "sex talk" I ever had was my mom telling me a story about how a man was given a prostitute for his birthday by some friends and the next morning he awoke to a note written in lipstick on a mirror saying, "Welcome to the world of AIDs".

Fucked up. Thank God my dad was sane on that shit or I would have eventually had to hide my penis in a jar for safe keeping.

 

[Flutterguy]

"Stop reading books, you'll take the fun out of everything."

 

[RedRockRun]

"If your friend is bisexual, don't let him seduce you and make you gay too."

One from my aunt:

"I wouldn't wait around outside. This is when all the black people get off work."

 

[Fappy]

-Snip-

That's seriously messed up. I'm glad you got out of there.

And I thought my family were crazy conservatives >.>

 

[Kopikatsu]

"If you really want to make someone suffer when you kill them, stab them through the intestines a few times then force them to drink something before they die."

Thanks Grandpa.

Semi-related: He also had me practice the Mozambique Drill with a revolver.

 

[VanQ]

My dad once got really drunk and slurred some advice to me.

"If it's pretty, fuck it. There is no gay."

I live my life by that advice. Thanks, dad.

 

[Neurotic Void Melody]

Weirdest? When I was young, my dad was intent on getting me macho-aggressive by giving me tips such as "go for the throat" or "eyes" and "always take out the leader of a group of fighers first." I had no interest in those actions. But my mum was very spiritual and so I got given loads of advice on how to deal with spirits and angry entities, most of which I forget now.
If I had no mind of my own, if would have grown into some deluded "spirit-warrior." It pains to even think of it.

They should've totally merged it into some kind of "super advice" like "If you encounter a restless spirit, go for the throat" or "Always take out the lead spirit first". To think that you missed out on a glorious career of ghost-punching just because you had a bit of integrity, for shame.

In my case it would be when my dad told me, I'm 21, that I should remember to use contraceptives. Saddens me because I haven't lived with them for three years and this was the first time it ever got brought up, thanks for the vote of confidence dad.

Yes, that's what could have happened if logic refused to interfere. Why does integrity always have to ruin people's fun? I think a ghost brawler would make for a torturously stretched television series or comic, which means profit... I think!

 

[Barbas]

"Stop pretending to be a fucking t-rex and take the bins out."

I fail to see how I couldn't do both at once.

(Snip).

Huh. Sounds like he had the manners and consideration of a hippo deucing in your morning Frosties.

 

[Thaluikhain]

"Stop pretending to be a fucking t-rex and take the bins out."

I fail to see how I couldn't do both at once.

I think paleontologists are uncertain about precedents for T-rex's taking out bins. Possibly due to tiny arms.

 

[Barbas]

"Stop pretending to be a fucking t-rex and take the bins out."

I fail to see how I couldn't do both at once.

I think paleontologists are uncertain about precedents for T-rex's taking out bins. Possibly due to tiny arms.

You say that, but tiny arms would fit the bin handles here perfectly. It's as if they were only designed to be practical for extinct dinosaurs and sentient Lego people.

 

[viscomica]

Mmm I really can't think of any weird advice (except for the birds and the bees conversation. Y'know, every parent is weird when having that conversation) I can think of times my family (especially the older members of the family) has been racist without meaning to be. It's always awkward.

 

[happyninja42]

"If you want to help with your facial acne, in the morning, right after you wake up, pee onto a towel and use that to wash your face. The morning urine is PH balanced perfectly for your body, and will help safely wash away the stuff making you break out."

"....thanks mom, that's....good to know" Never tried it.

 

[Dango]

"Eat a dick"

Wait no...

Truthfully my parents have never given me advice other than really generic life advice

 

[GalanDun]

Whenever they turn a passing joke into a massive speech.