What to do about a friend that constantly challenges your opinion on things?

[otakon17]

I have a buddy in an online chat that we've been apart of for around 3 years now. It's a fairly diverse group with a fair number of people and we shoot the shit, talk about stuff and share what we like with each other. Recently however, he has taken it upon himself to constantly challenge every view and opinion on any subject that comes up that I present to the group.

He says he does it because he feels that challenging your own opinions constantly is good for you but that this point I just snapped at him and called him out for attacking me personally. As an example, I said the phrase "Women are a gift from God." and he called me out for being sexist about it.

To me it feels like every time he does this he's attacking me personally and I've told him this but he has said it's my "victim complex" talking. He's called me mentally lazy for not examining the core of my ideals and morals with a fine tooth comb and magnifying glass every time I say something(my words, not his).

The main point is that he says it's his right to challenge my opinions on stuff, no matter what they are and I want to hear some outside views on the subject. The rest of the group runs the hell away whenever we get stuck in these tirades and don't take anyone's side on the matter. One more thing to note would be that there is about a 10 year age difference between us, he grew up in Canada and I the United States. Don't know if that matters much, but I thought I'd add it in.

 

[Thaluikhain]

As an example, I said the phrase "Women are a gift from God." and he called me out for being sexist about it.

Er...well, yes, saying that is being sexist.

 

[Treeinthewoods]

Sounds like a colossally dull prick who's a chore to be around.

Debates can be fun but having a friend generally means agreeing on some stuff and not constantly picking at someone for every little word.

And I agree completely, women are a gift from God.

 

[dyre]

Voice some ideas that you feel confident in defending, and when he challenges you, crush him in a debate. Then tell him to get off your back.

As an example, I said the phrase "Women are a gift from God." and he called me out for being sexist about it.

Er...well, yes, saying that is being sexist.

It's sexist in such a minor way that only a real ass would seriously call out his friend for it.

 

[geK0]

I've had very different political views from a number of my closest friends and we frequently clash over our political views. There is such a thing as respectfully disagreeing though; if your friend chooses to berate you for your views then he's just an ass hole and needs to get off his bloody high horse. That's not to say you shouldn't be friends with this person, that's really your choice, it's not something I'd tolerate though.

 

[PFCboom]

Well... it's his right, sure, but he's still being a colossal tool. Anyone who would call me "mentally lazy" or claims that I have a victim complex isn't going to be a friend for very long, that's all I'll say about that. Actual advice: Tell him in no uncertain terms that you're sick of his shit and that you'll be ignoring him. Proceed to ignore him. If he doesn't like it, that's his damn problem.
Out of curiosity, I took a look at your profile, which suggests that you're 29, meaning your friend would be 39 or so. I'm pretty sure age is a factor here, though I'm not sure why. Maybe his age is creeping up on him and he's lashing out at people significantly than him - say, 10 years or so? - to make himself feel better. That's just a wild guess, though.

 

[Phantom Kat]

He's probably going about it the wrong way. I've generally found that it's easier (and more efficient) to get someone to question their beliefs by asking them questions, so pretty much the Socratic method.

 

[Caiphus]

Challenging your own opinions can be mentally healthy. But he's challenging yours, which is the opposite of his own advice, and it *sounds* like he's being a dick about it too. I'm not the most socially competent person in the world, but I don't believe that acting in a constantly antagonistic fashion towards your chums is the done thing. Especially over "Women are God's gift" or whatever. For goodness' sake.

Of course, you may be presenting a biased recollection yourself OP. Who knows? Perhaps try to talk him around.

It also sounds like he's pretty set in his ways though. Getting angry about it probably isn't going to help, either. So why not have some fun with him? He calls you out for being sexist? Just dial it up to 11. "Yeah, and women shouldn't be allowed to drive either." Complains about your choice of political party? Spam link his facebook page with some relevant propaganda. Let him challenge his own opinions.

 

[Saulkar]

He sounds hypocritical and maybe a tiny bit narcissistic. More interested in challenging other people's views in front of a crowed while not abiding by his own words or owning up to the fact that he has become a giant bother to you.

Maybe he is a great guy but he not not be friend material if he causes you this much distress while dismissing your protests.

 

[Yopaz]

As an example, I said the phrase "Women are a gift from God." and he called me out for being sexist about it.

Er...well, yes, saying that is being sexist.

My thought too. I can't tell if he just picked an example where his friend is justified in what he's doing or if he really is in the right when he challenges what people say. This is the internet though so we're only going to see one side of the argument and the one who starts the topic often wants to portray himself as a hero protecting the rights of those who are oppressed because he's got a moral compass the size of Texas.

However if this friend of yours is annoying you just ignore him. Tell him he's being an ass and that you no longer want to chat with him if he's going to act like that. It doesn't matter if he's right or you're right. Life's too short to sped it with people that annoy you.

 

[Coppernerves]

It appears that your friend is failing at tact, shoving his opinions down your throat too hard to be helpful or comfortable.

I suspect he's well meaning, but being ham-fisted and insensitive, like an overly preachy religious fundamentalist.

Try explaining that he can't help you make your beliefs more accurate until you're more used to contradicting yourself.

(I'm not sure how to help you with that, but I found a great blog about this kind of thing starting here [http://lesswrong.com/lw/i3/making_beliefs_pay_rent_in_anticipated_experiences/])

 

[Chairman Miaow]

Well tell him it's your right to not have to defend every sentence that comes out of your mouth. Refuse to eengage in these conversations. A dismissive "Yeah cool, whatever man." Usually does the trick. Just use those exact 4 words every time he challenges you.

Pretty much this. The guy is a troll, plain and simple, trying to get a rise out of you. Being really dismissive and not really caring is the only way to deal with him.

 

[Caiphus]

My thought too. I can't tell if he just picked an example where his friend is justified in what he's doing or if he really is in the right when he challenges what people say.

It's difficult to say, as these things are. OP could be biased, or missing information. And the quote is out of context. I'd take him at his word, it's pretty tame, even if it is marginally sexist out of context.

As if anyone would care: as a demonstration, let me find some of the worst things I've written in Facebook chat today:

Spoiler: Yeah, I'm going to go ahead and spoiler that

"I can oft be found gobbling penises"

"I think I'm all done with my fella."

"In case you can't see, that woman's breasts have extended to her elbows."

"We made it to the top of the food chain. This is the prize: doing whatever the fuck we want with our genitals."

"Dear special someone, Quit wanking everywhere"

 

[Bertylicious]

He probably isn't too confident with making conversation. Next time he does start beefing with you, to use the parlance of our times, perhaps respond with dick jokes. He will be confused at first but then he will join in and the rest of the group will join in and everyone will be happy. It is how Tony Blair did so well in Ireland back in the day.

 

[Ubiquitous Duck]

It sounds like there might have been a turning point for him where he started just disagreeing with everything you say.

This may well be that it just lines up that he doesn't agree with you on all of the arguments that you put forward (very coincidental?).

It may also be that you said something he really doesn't agree with and now he has turned on you (so he may not disagree with you on everything but feels that he is 'against' you now, after you said something specifically that annoyed him).

Or he may just be playing devils advocate. I have some people who I naturally do this with and I'm not even sure why, just to promote some sort of debate. I can hear both sides of an argument often and can swap sides unconsciously. Sometimes, I'm not even sure what my actual belief is. I do this with my mum. She annoys me, but I opposite of hate her.

 

[MysticSlayer]

He's called me mentally lazy for not examining the core of my ideals and morals with a fine tooth comb and magnifying glass every time I say something(my words, not his).

Sounds like he just got introduced to philosophy and still hasn't grasped how to utilize it...

Anyways, can't really say much more since we don't have his side from his perspective. I will say that I have had friends like what you describe, though, so it doesn't seem too outlandish.

As for how I dealt with those friends, I either ignored them or made light of what they said. Sure, it often drove us apart, but that was already happening given how horrible their attitude was. There's a point in which having your views challenged is good. There's a point where someone is just being annoying and maybe a little antagonistic, but it's hard to tell since I haven't seen the way you two interact over long periods.

Also, while he may reserve the right to challenge your views and comments, you also reserve the right to ignore him and/or tell him to shut up (I'd prefer the former). Sure, he's going to claim you're "ignorant" or "pathetic" or "robbing yourself" or some similar attack, but it's far better to just ignore them while they berate you. They'll eventually get the message, and in the end, they'll likely look like the fool to everyone else.

Of course, try to determine if what he says is worth it. Some of his challenges might be worth discussing and will be better for you. If it's more petty, then don't give in unless you want to joke around about it without actually arguing anything.