What to do about a friend that constantly challenges your opinion on things?

[Bruce]

Voice some ideas that you feel confident in defending, and when he challenges you, crush him in a debate. Then tell him to get off your back.

As an example, I said the phrase "Women are a gift from God." and he called me out for being sexist about it.

Er...well, yes, saying that is being sexist.

It's sexist in such a minor way that only a real ass would seriously call out his friend for it.

Nope. It is pretty majorly sexist. It conveys both objectification, and ownership.

 

[Phasmal]

Nothing.

People like that often have a desperate need to be right, even about stuff they are blatantly wrong about- so there's no point stressing.
I know someone like this, and even when he says cringeworthy factually wrong shit, there's no point calling it.
Just nod and roll your eyes internally.

Or you could just say to him that you recognise his `point` about internally examining things but you don't come to chat to argue and you'd appreciate it if he would stop.
But don't hold your breath.

 

[dyre]

Nope. It is pretty majorly sexist. It conveys both objectification, and ownership.

Yeah, I'm SURE that's what he was trying to convey. Oh, wait, no...he was probably just parroting that stupid phrase around a bunch of guys so they could have a laugh. I bet you're a real joy at parties...

I hope if I ever say "I'm God's gift to women," one of my friends will be kind enough to warn me that I'm objectifying myself!

 

[Something Amyss]

As an example, I said the phrase "Women are a gift from God." and he called me out for being sexist about it.

So you said something sexist, he called you sexist, and you're upset? That sounds like a completely different problem.

To me it feels like every time he does this he's attacking me personally and I've told him this but he has said it's my "victim complex" talking. He's called me mentally lazy for not examining the core of my ideals and morals with a fine tooth comb and magnifying glass every time I say something(my words, not his).

It actually sounds like you might have a victim complex. But....

The main point is that he says it's his right to challenge my opinions on stuff, no matter what they are and I want to hear some outside views on the subject. The rest of the group runs the hell away whenever we get stuck in these tirades and don't take anyone's side on the matter. One more thing to note would be that there is about a 10 year age difference between us, he grew up in Canada and I the United States. Don't know if that matters much, but I thought I'd add it in.

It's his right but it doesn't mean he should. Then again, it's your right to be sexist, and it seems to bother you more that you were called on it, so perhaps the fault here is a two-way street.

But just because you have the right to do something doesn't mean you're not a dick. And the problem here is that we really don't know where this other guy's coming from. Maybe he is a dick, maybe you're over selling it because you're offended. We don't know. I can speak in broad strokes, but I don't think that's why people make this sort of thread. Maybe you do need to examine yourself. We don't really know.

As it is, the best way to win is not to play. If you're really bothered by him challenging you all the time, don't take the bait.

 

[Something Amyss]

Yeah, I'm SURE that's what he was trying to convey.

I wasn't aware that his intent was the sole determinant factor of whether it was sexist.

 

[EeveeElectro]

Ah, yeah I had a friend like this.

She'd argue with everything I said, then would usually start drama with my friends too. There's disagreeing then there's picking holes in your opinion and shoving theirs down your throat. I stopped talking to her and she asked me why I wasn't responding to her. She didn't understand I couldn't deal with her making drama over everything I said.

Getting your opinion challenged is most certainly a good thing because it can open your eyes to other viewpoints and make you think about it in a different way. It can even change your way of thinking for the better.

Like others have said, just nip it in the bud ASAP. Agreeing with him with make his already apparently huge ego even bigger but just responding with "We can agree to disagree" or "that's like your opinion, man" might make him eventually shut up.

 

[otakon17]

As an example, I said the phrase "Women are a gift from God." and he called me out for being sexist about it.

So you said something sexist, he called you sexist, and you're upset? That sounds like a completely different problem.

To me it feels like every time he does this he's attacking me personally and I've told him this but he has said it's my "victim complex" talking. He's called me mentally lazy for not examining the core of my ideals and morals with a fine tooth comb and magnifying glass every time I say something(my words, not his).

It actually sounds like you might have a victim complex. But....

The main point is that he says it's his right to challenge my opinions on stuff, no matter what they are and I want to hear some outside views on the subject. The rest of the group runs the hell away whenever we get stuck in these tirades and don't take anyone's side on the matter. One more thing to note would be that there is about a 10 year age difference between us, he grew up in Canada and I the United States. Don't know if that matters much, but I thought I'd add it in.

It's his right but it doesn't mean he should. Then again, it's your right to be sexist, and it seems to bother you more that you were called on it, so perhaps the fault here is a two-way street.

But just because you have the right to do something doesn't mean you're not a dick. And the problem here is that we really don't know where this other guy's coming from. Maybe he is a dick, maybe you're over selling it because you're offended. We don't know. I can speak in broad strokes, but I don't think that's why people make this sort of thread. Maybe you do need to examine yourself. We don't really know.

As it is, the best way to win is not to play. If you're really bothered by him challenging you all the time, don't take the bait.

It's more on the fact that I've never considered it sexist and always thought of it as an appreciative statement for the opposite sex, regardless of looks or race.

After reading the comments as such and ruminating on it I've decided that the best way to handle this is not play the game. Honest discussion I'll still be apart of as it comes up but from now on I'll not fall for the bait of it.

 

[otakon17]

Voice some ideas that you feel confident in defending, and when he challenges you, crush him in a debate. Then tell him to get off your back.

As an example, I said the phrase "Women are a gift from God." and he called me out for being sexist about it.

Er...well, yes, saying that is being sexist.

It's sexist in such a minor way that only a real ass would seriously call out his friend for it.

Nope. It is pretty majorly sexist. It conveys both objectification, and ownership.

I never meant it as such. I was raised mostly by my mother and I know her stance on those kind of things. I'd do her a great injustice if I thought that way and more than likely get my teeth kicked in.

 

[AgedGrunt]

It is important to have your ideas/opinions challenged. IMO the Internet is one of the best places to practice this, but as with real life you need to pick your battles.

Had to sever ties with a "best" friend (and with him, other people and several years of my life) after a long, bewildering turn he took, just started challenging me on everything. To be fair I wasn't comfy with the friendship for a long time. Still the last call/angry rant I had to endure, just pressed *end* and that was it. To be sure, I'm talking about someone that picked me up to hang out and just drove around aimlessly to argue with me about anything. I thought of unbuckling and getting out of the car, even on the expressway; it was pretty ridiculous.

Never forget that you can pick your friends. In fact, you should. You will be judged and should rightfully define yourself based on the company and friends you keep.

 

[KissingSunlight]

Had a "friend" like this years ago.

The trick is to immediately agree with everything they say.

Be as insincere about it as possible, but be adamant that you fully agree and that they are absolutely right.

They'll STFU and GTFO PDQ.

With all due respect, that is just disrespectful and wrong. What makes you think that your opinions on every issue is correct and unimpeachable?

On topic: I know it's hard to gauge what the tone the person posting have. I know if I was saying to someone, "That's sexist!" to a person saying, "Women are a gift from God." I would be saying that in a joking matter. Honestly, from what I am understanding from the OP is that you are overly sensitive to criticism. There is nothing wrong with someone disagreeing with you. If you can't handle something like that, than you will have a hard time in the real world. Where nobody is under any obligation to be sycophantic "yes men" to you.

 

[Jamieson 90]

Nothing wrong with having your arguments and opinions challenged; if they're good enough then a quick rebuttal of why the other person is wrong will shut them up. If however you can't defend your view point then perhaps it's time to think about changing that view? And don't take it personally, I find far too many people feel they are getting picked on and easily become offended when that's not the case.

 

[Mikeyfell]

I have a buddy in an online chat that we've been apart of for around 3 years now. It's a fairly diverse group with a fair number of people and we shoot the shit, talk about stuff and share what we like with each other. Recently however, he has taken it upon himself to constantly challenge every view and opinion on any subject that comes up that I present to the group.

He says he does it because he feels that challenging your own opinions constantly is good for you but that this point I just snapped at him and called him out for attacking me personally. As an example, I said the phrase "Women are a gift from God." and he called me out for being sexist about it.

To me it feels like every time he does this he's attacking me personally and I've told him this but he has said it's my "victim complex" talking. He's called me mentally lazy for not examining the core of my ideals and morals with a fine tooth comb and magnifying glass every time I say something(my words, not his).

The main point is that he says it's his right to challenge my opinions on stuff, no matter what they are and I want to hear some outside views on the subject. The rest of the group runs the hell away whenever we get stuck in these tirades and don't take anyone's side on the matter. One more thing to note would be that there is about a 10 year age difference between us, he grew up in Canada and I the United States. Don't know if that matters much, but I thought I'd add it in.

2 questions, is he just playing devil's advocate for the sake of it or does he legatamitely disagree with you on those things? (Or can you even tell?) and which one of you is older.

It is a good thing to have your opinions challenged from time to time because if you honestly can't defend your stances on a topic, that should call for some self re-evaluation.

But if he's just playing devil's advocate for the sake of it and doesn't actually believe in the position he's defending I doubt he has anything constructive to say, and it would feel like you were arguing with a wall (Or at the worst a troll)

Someone from a different country (Who also has a 10 year age difference) would have an extremely different cultural background. For example I was talking to someone from Canada who didn't like Breaking Bad because she said "If the American government gave a shit about it's citizens Walter never would have had choose between breaking the law and dying a slow painful death" Which is a perfectly valid position that I never would have considered because I live in America.

So there's a lot to be gained from constructive debating.
But if this is just someone who's 10 years younger than you saying your opinions are wrong for the sake of it just ignore it.

 

[the doom cannon]

Just tell him to fuck off. Hes obviously not a good person to be around

 

[KissingSunlight]

With all due respect, that is just disrespectful and wrong.

Giving someone what they're expecting while retaining one's own opinions is disrespectful and wrong? Or is not sharing your true opinions with someone who'll not respect them is disrespectful and wrong?

What makes you think that your opinions on every issue is correct and unimpeachable?

Giving that, in my case, the friend stopped contradicting and demeaning my own opinion once I started unequivocally voicing agreement stands as evidence that patronizing that sort is a valid solution to the issue.

Also, given my age and experience, I'm well qualified on a number of subjects. Would you care to see my CV?

On topic:

What about my reply was "off topic" that you felt the need to go back "on topic"?

I can't speak for your "friend". When I challenge someone's opinion, I'm doing it to better understand the issue. It's not about anyone being right or wrong. Judging from the rest of the post, you seem to have a need to be right about everything. Even quibbling about the phrase "on topic". There is a difference between disagreeing and being disrespectful. If you don't know the difference, all I got to say is, "You're Right! I'm wrong! Have a good day!"

 

[Hero in a half shell]

I'm in the "research and know what you are talking about" camp, so if he challenges you then you can actually stand your ground and prove that you are right.

Or just Dude him

He ain't coming back from that. Especially if you spam it!

I knew a guy kind of like this, except it was arguing with everyone in the room about whatever they were talking about.

Of course, being a University house party everyone was discussing their personal interests - which were pretty much about the subjects they were studying, so he argued with someone studying economics about economics, someone who studied electronic engineering about wifi, someone who was a farmer about farming etc...

and the guy himself was training to be a teacher.

He didn't argue with me, because I was too mellow and just spent the night telling jokes and talking abstract nonsense.

 

[Simonism451]

I never meant it as such. I was raised mostly by my mother and I know her stance on those kind of things. I'd do her a great injustice if I thought that way and more than likely get my teeth kicked in.

Well, it's dumb (implying that women were created with the specific purpose of pleasing other people, i.e. men) and if you say something dumb without realizing that you did such, it's probably for the better if someone calls you out on it.
As for the rest, well, pretty much what Zachary said above.

 

[II2]

Rail a caterpillar sized line of angel dust and beat the sassy fucker into mush!

Oh, this is online. Disregard that. Only works in person.

Address subject directly in personal message with grievances. Be direct - 'I like you, but I feel tense and shitty when you regularly challenge what I have to say and put me on the defensive. I enjoy you and don't want to bicker all the time. If we can't relax and get along, I'll not be in touch anymore.'

You've laid it out. Gauge the response and observe if subject genuinely tries to modify offending behavior. If they can't abide by a wish for things to be friendly, you're back to square one and you now know you're wasting your time and can move on without regret or causing confusion. Mute em, block em, kick em, or walk away.

 

[michael87cn]

I think part of being a good friend is knowing how to listen (that is to say, keep your mouth shut). Someone who is so obnoxious that they have to challenge your every opinion is not a very good friend, or at least, they aren't very supportive.

I cannot befriend people like this. They drive me crazy with their arrogance.