What would be considered "Too Picky/Selective" when dating (or in a relationship)?

Paragon Fury

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So something that I've seen brought up in the last few days a bunch on some sites (yes, I did wander into the the r/relationships sub and spent too much time on IMGUR this week, before you ask) is the idea of being "Too picky/selective" when dating or trying relationships etc.

To avoid poisoning the well so to speak, I'll ask it as a more generalized question (my personal stance in the spoiler);

What would you consider as "Too Picky/Selective" as it is concerned to dating/relationships etc.?

Despite my well-known er, preferences, I myself only have two unbreakable and non-negotiable rules when it comes to women.

1: No smoking. Period. End of discussion. (And don't get wise and make a meat joke, you know what I'm referring to)

2: No children. I've no interest in being a father, nor taking care of some other man's children from a previous relationship.

Unfortunately for me, these two things, relatively reasonable as they might seem, cut an absolute swath through any potential dates/partners (especially the smoking thing). Making what is already a very hard task for me even more difficult.
 

PsychedelicDiamond

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I don't believe in that sort of thing. If you're not attracted to someone, you're not attracted to them and you don't have to justify it. Of course what you shouldn't do is refuse someone you are attracted to for having certain traits you thought you dislike just out of principle. That would be stupid.
 

Saelune

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Anything that could probably be solved by talking honestly with them, but instead you just dump them.
 

McElroy

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Rule for no children is understandable, but then again that person could be widowed, as rare as that is when you're still young.

Smoking at home is an extremely bad habit, BUT if you really fall for someone you can look not past smoking but beyond it: as you want the best for your loved one, you would get them to quit. Personally I consider smoking a lesser evil compared to heavy drinking or being obese, because those two are harder to shake off. (Like, I could personally set the non-smoking example with no problems whatsoever, but I do have a drink sometimes and I also eat every day.)

I could make a super long list of "red flags" that I wouldn't want to have to deal with in a partner, but only some of them are actual deal-breakers. Not that I can say from experience, but I think I can suppress my ego to deal with something I don't generally appreciate even if it's something they would eventually want to see me try too. Not with everything, of course, but looking at it from the potential gf's perspective: I have quirks I'd like them to appreciate, (and traits to tolerate :^) and it's nigh impossible for somebody to do so for all of it from the start.

The situation in which you find one single impossible-to-ignore annoying trait in a person you otherwise are ready to love is a sitcom thing, I reckon. That in mind I'd say your question isn't an easy one to answer, as it is most often the whole type of person that I wouldn't be interested in.
 

Silentpony_v1legacy

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No children is reasonable. And if you want to settle down, maybe no previous marriages. Exes always complicate things and always try to get into the new relationship.

Outside of that personal interests or hobbies should be discussed. Maybe no smoking inside, and always put the seat down, and no running off unannounced to play with the guys/gals all weekend long
 

Lil devils x_v1legacy

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See now I think asking a guy to not have children is totally unreasonable, but the smoking is completely reasonable. Smoking is not just something that affects the person, it affects how they taste, how their skin tastes and smells, second hand smoke on their skin, hair, clothing, vehicle.. It makes everything about them taste gross. Someone having previous relationships and sex is expected and if one has sex there is the possibility of children happening so I see that as unreasonable to be that as something that defines whether or not they are bad partner. I do not see that impacting whether or not I would have a relationship with guy, and see that as being too much to ask of either a male or female. If you don't expect them to be a virgin or to not have previous relationship that goes along with the territory. A child is part of their family, not something nasty you have to taste. Drugs, smoking, tattoos, beard/ mustache, Body Odor, excessive flatulence, bad manners, swearing, poor hygiene, incompatible sex drive, inadequate conversation, arrogance, superficial, bad sense of humor, or of course being a Trump supporter are all deal breakers on the other hand.
 

Saelune

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McElroy said:
Rule for no children is understandable, but then again that person could be widowed, as rare as that is when you're still young.

Smoking at home is an extremely bad habit, BUT if you really fall for someone you can look not past smoking but beyond it: as you want the best for your loved one, you would get them to quit. Personally I consider smoking a lesser evil compared to heavy drinking or being obese, because those two are harder to shake off. (Like, I could personally set the non-smoking example with no problems whatsoever, but I do have a drink sometimes and I also eat every day.)

I could make a super long list of "red flags" that I wouldn't want to have to deal with in a partner, but only some of them are actual deal-breakers. Not that I can say from experience, but I think I can suppress my ego to deal with something I don't generally appreciate even if it's something they would eventually want to see me try too. Not with everything, of course, but looking at it from the potential gf's perspective: I have quirks I'd like them to appreciate, (and traits to tolerate :^) and it's nigh impossible for somebody to do so for all of it from the start.

The situation in which you find one single impossible-to-ignore annoying trait in a person you otherwise are ready to love is a sitcom thing, I reckon. That in mind I'd say your question isn't an easy one to answer, as it is most often the whole type of person that I wouldn't be interested in.
Smoking is worse than being fat, and assuming you never abuse someone or drive drunk, is less bad than smoking. Smoking hurts the people around you, and should be considered assault if not attempted murder. Fuck smokers, fuck second hand smoke.
 

IceForce

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I don't find your requirements unreasonable tbh. Nowadays there are heaps of career-driven women who are 'married to the job' and aren't interested in starting a family. Just find someone like that.
 

Trunkage

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Ive got a friend who doesn't want kids. She broke up relationships becuase of it. She did end up marrying a guy with a kid, but the kid was a teenager. She doesnt get that much ingolved with her step kid. So even if you find a divorced/ widow partner, doesnt mean you need to write it off.

My partner accepter that I was a smoker. She didn't want it around her, so she refused to move in til I gave it up. Even though we've been living together for a decade, I smoke one week a year. She goes on holidays to see her dad. Sometimes I smoke when I'm drinking at a pub and not with het. It's the compromise we made.
 

EvilRoy

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Paragon Fury said:
Despite my well-known er, preferences, I myself only have two unbreakable and non-negotiable rules when it comes to women.
2: No children. I've no interest in being a father, nor taking care of some other man's children from a previous relationship.

Unfortunately for me, these two things, relatively reasonable as they might seem, cut an absolute swath through any potential dates/partners (especially the smoking thing). Making what is already a very hard task for me even more difficult.
I had similar issues with this one, it really killed back my options for along time. Eventually I decided "maybe children" (with discussions of marriage/"family is imporant" being a definite nope given the connotations) if only to net me a few more first dates and some fun. I ended up finding out that there are a lot of women who don't want to come out and say they don't want kids because of societal pressure, but are also not super into pounding something out of their nethers after 3/4 of a year of waiting.

Professional women in particular seemed to look at the damage it could potentially do to their careers and basically say "shitnope" but didn't want to say that because the older and typically more traditional women in their profession would look down on them for that. Dated a doctor who couldn't stand children but absolutely refused to admit it until we were completely private because she was afraid the nurses would start bugging her about it if they found out. It was privately hilarious for me as I watched her pretend to enjoy being near the urchins at bbqs and other gatherings. I could see the sweat forming when kids would crowd her asking her to look under a bandaid.

There were definitely also women who claimed "maybe children" and then in date 1 said they super want them, but didn't want to come off as being baby crazy due to the clock. Given my stance I never really held the approach against them.

As far as too picky goes for me: anything that a teenager would say in a breakup. Weird toes. Likes N'Sync unironically. Likes plaid ironically but not ironically enough.
 
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Paragon Fury said:
So something that I've seen brought up in the last few days a bunch on some sites (yes, I did wander into the the r/relationships sub and spent too much time on IMGUR this week, before you ask) is the idea of being "Too picky/selective" when dating or trying relationships etc.

To avoid poisoning the well so to speak, I'll ask it as a more generalized question (my personal stance in the spoiler);

What would you consider as "Too Picky/Selective" as it is concerned to dating/relationships etc.?

Despite my well-known er, preferences, I myself only have two unbreakable and non-negotiable rules when it comes to women.

1: No smoking. Period. End of discussion. (And don't get wise and make a meat joke, you know what I'm referring to)

2: No children. I've no interest in being a father, nor taking care of some other man's children from a previous relationship.

Unfortunately for me, these two things, relatively reasonable as they might seem, cut an absolute swath through any potential dates/partners (especially the smoking thing). Making what is already a very hard task for me even more difficult.
Dude, I used to date in Manhattan. I look at your list and I think you're really fine.

I legit knew a guy who got dumped by a girl because he ate Tofu and she thought soy was toxic. Perfect in everything, even in being a vegan. But he wasn't the right vegan.

The world is crazy out there. Be as open as you can with what you can deal with and be honest with what you can't. It might cut you off from a 3 billion women, leaving you with just 0.1% of like-minded and suitable dates. But guess what? That's still 3,000,000.

That's still a GREAT size dating pool.
 

McElroy

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Saelune said:
McElroy said:
Smoking at home is an extremely bad habit, BUT if you really fall for someone you can look not past smoking but beyond it: as you want the best for your loved one, you would get them to quit. Personally I consider smoking a lesser evil compared to heavy drinking or being obese, because those two are harder to shake off. (Like, I could personally set the non-smoking example with no problems whatsoever, but I do have a drink sometimes and I also eat every day.)
Smoking is worse than being fat, and assuming you never abuse someone or drive drunk, is less bad than smoking. Smoking hurts the people around you, and should be considered assault if not attempted murder. Fuck smokers, fuck second hand smoke.
Save your rant and read my post again in the context of the thread. This is not about public health.
 

Saelune

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McElroy said:
Saelune said:
McElroy said:
Smoking at home is an extremely bad habit, BUT if you really fall for someone you can look not past smoking but beyond it: as you want the best for your loved one, you would get them to quit. Personally I consider smoking a lesser evil compared to heavy drinking or being obese, because those two are harder to shake off. (Like, I could personally set the non-smoking example with no problems whatsoever, but I do have a drink sometimes and I also eat every day.)
Smoking is worse than being fat, and assuming you never abuse someone or drive drunk, is less bad than smoking. Smoking hurts the people around you, and should be considered assault if not attempted murder. Fuck smokers, fuck second hand smoke.
Save your rant and read my post again in the context of the thread. This is not about public health.
I think being concerned for your own health is not a picky concern in whether you date someone.
 

McElroy

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Saelune said:
I think being concerned for your own health is not a picky concern in whether you date someone.
Which is why you get them to quit smoking. Just like you get your fat partner to exercise, depressed partner to seek treatment, or a soon-to-be alcoholic partner to take it easier. I say it's the easiest of those, because every non-smoker sets the example and everyone in our society is supportive of quitting.
 

Agema

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Paragon Fury said:
Despite my well-known er, preferences, I myself only have two unbreakable and non-negotiable rules when it comes to women.

1: No smoking. Period. End of discussion. (And don't get wise and make a meat joke, you know what I'm referring to)

2: No children. I've no interest in being a father, nor taking care of some other man's children from a previous relationship.
Common ground on the second of those is very important. Kids are a big deal; if you don't want them and you prospective partner does, you absolutely should not waste their time. I have friends both male and female who have been kept hanging for years by a partner with the prospect of children, only to be left with nothing. This has particularly serious for some of the women strung along to the point of rapidly declining fertility. It's callous and selfish to exploit someone for relationship jollies on false pretences.

You can of course still date willing partners with different views, just so long as you make absolutely clear what the score is. If you both want to start a relationship knowing it has an inbuilt expiry date coming up when having kids becomes important... well you're both adults.

* * *

"Picky" for me suggests unreasonably high standards and triviality; rejecting people for things that don't much harm a successful relationship.

I'm not sure there's that much you can define as "picky" in advance. If you hate partners smoking, you just do; relationships are personalised and we all have a little list of individual deal-breakers. I would define "picky" more from a pattern of that person's behaviour in turning down prospective partners or ditching them, or that their list of deal-breakers is suspiciously long and full of stuff that seems trivial. I might also suggest that being "picky" is often about relationship anxiety: the person is worried about something much deeper such as the risk of emotional pain or fear of intimacy. Thus a trivial fault provides an excuse to sabotage the relationship and remove the threat.
 

the December King

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I dunno. I suspect I would be pretty open minded... or rather, I'd like to think I would be. But we all have hangups, and it's very individual.

Let's pretend I'm back on the market and looking for love!

Picky... hmmm... like, I don't like the idea of dating a woman who is physically stronger than me. It's not carved in stone, but it's just how I feel- I guess that one could be considered too picky. Smoking doesn't really bother me, on the other hand - I've dated smokers in the past, and I'd likely not want them to smoke around my kid (and my better half vapes now when the kid isn't around). And as for kids from a previous relationship, well, a woman having a child would not be a deal breaker for me anymore- I think by having one of my own, I've gained a better perspective on what it is to be a parent (and although I wasn't too keen on kids earlier in my adult life, I have also come around to liking them). It's important to know that these things can change as you grow older and experience more of life.
 

dscross

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In my experience, in people's heads they are picky than, in reality, they really are when they meet someone who has an attractive personality and who they are physically attracted to.
 
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There's nothing wrong with having a couple of non-negotiables (eg. smoking, kids, existing debt, a hobby in common, fitness, employment, education, height/weight, etc). Everyone is entitled to those. What is probably unreasonable/too picky, is when a minor flaw puts someone off an otherwise great partner. That is *not* to say that such a thing is wrong however; the heart wants what the heart wants (and the same rule applies to the loins as well).

But while I wouldn't dispute someone's right to say they were turned off from a match because of some petty, inconsequential thing, I would think it was a petty, inconsequential thing and they're missing out on what could've been something special for it.
 

CaitSeith

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Anyone who rejects me is too picky/selective. /s

On a more serious note; everyone has their own standards. What would be considered too picky for one person is perfectly reasonable for another. This discussion is bound to become just comparing our own standards with each other, or what society considers standard in a relationship. Frankly, there are plenty of fish in the sea. If you search long enough, you'll find someone who meets your standards and vice versa.

PS: Smokers are a no-no.
 

Agema

You have no authority here, Jackie Weaver
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CaitSeith said:
If you search long enough, you'll find someone who meets your standards and vice versa.
As I recall someone (Michael Stipe, maybe?) putting it, paraphrased, "Anyone can pull as long as they lower their standards far enough".