What's The Difference Between Creepy and Romantic?

[mecegirl]

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Hey guys, crazy thought but maybe the reason you have trouble understanding what women like is a you problem and not an "all the women" problem.

It's to be expected when one is trying to lump every woman as one. There is no magic formula that works on most women because all people are different. There is no strict gender divide when it comes to who likes what. The best one can get is narrowing down by personality type. But folks never do that when they ask what "women" like or want.

There is no hive mind. One woman's answer won't give you insight into another woman's thought process unless she knows the woman in question. And an individual woman isn't likely to give you a checklist of everything you should do to impress her...a man won't do that either. If either a man or woman did the average person would think they are handing over a list of demands instead of a road map to their hearts anyway.

 

[infohippie]

...I'll be blunt, that's not a women-exclusive problem. Getting men to admit to what they like is like getting blood from a stone. My god, the stories I could tell - it once took three days to get an old boyfriend to admit he liked flowers! Three days, for flowers! You're already Gay, dammit, it's not like admitting to liking flowers is going to make you gayer!

That is pretty true, actually. Both men and women are pretty shit at letting partners or prospective partners know what they like. Women are more visible in this respect because even in the present day it is still largely men who are expected to make the romantic gestures and it is up to the women to accept, but it's still a problem of both genders.

 

[Carton of Milk]

Kinda none.


I used to be a romantic. Hopeless kind.


and by that i mean, i used to be super creepy and kind of a stalker.


Then i learned to live in the real world. And thank god for that otherwise i think i'd still be single.

 

[bartholen_v1legacy]

Creepy is using a steel dildo on someone. A romantic will do the same thing, but be wearing a Bugs Bunny costume at the same time.

OT: Whether or not the person whom the gesture is directed towards considers said gesture romantic or not. That's pretty much just another way of saying everything everyone else has been saying for this whole thread. For example, if I'm out with a girl and order her favorite drink without her even knowing I know her favorite, one can consider that considerate and a sign of caring, and another creepy and a sign of obsession.

 

[Phasmal]

Spoiler: Oh look people are claiming it's attractiveness

Context and reciprocity. That's literally it. It has nothing to do with attractiveness, those who say it does aren't spilling the hard truths they think they are, they're just misinterpreting situations. For instance, I'd bang Chris Evans like a screen door in a hurricane, but I'd still think it was weird if I found him face down in my laundry basket inhaling like a crack addict.

This example doesn't prove your point, Phasmal. There is absolutely no context in which sniffing one's laundry basket could be interpreted as romantic. The question is when a gesture that is intended as romantic would come off as creepy.

There were people in the thread saying the thing that mattered about the gesture was how attractive the person doing it was. That is not so. And you never know, some people might be into getting their laundry sniffed. Which would make it consensual and okay and I guess a somewhat romantic gesture if that's what you're into.
Attractiveness is not the be all and end all.

Women aren't very straight-forward when it comes to telling men what they like.

That's the understatement of the century. Rather than "not straightforward", I'd say "verging on deliberately duplicitous".

And I see the conversation has jumped from the standard 'hot guys can do whatever they want' to 'women won't tell us what they want'. You guys could try to be a little less predictable.

Personally, I find that women are usually very clear about whether they like someone, but sadly a lot of guys will ignore the answer if it's not the one they want.
Still, the answer is to err on the side of caution, if you're not sure about what the person likes or if they're even into you- you probably shouldn't be planning romantic gestures.

 

[Kyrian007]

As a pretty ugly (and old now) guy I have to say... Attractiveness increases rejection, that much is true. But being rejected isn't really the same thing as being seen as or considered creepy. Even if a woman that shoots me down thinks or even says to someone "wow that creepy guy asked if I want to dance" that's not really the same. She may think it, but won't for long as I'll be out of her head a few minutes later... just as she's out of mine when I move on.

 

[CrazyCapnMorgan]

Creepy is using a steel dildo on someone. A romantic will do the same thing, but be wearing a Bugs Bunny costume at the same time.

Hello, Mr. George Carlin. However, this is creepy vs romantic, not crazy vs maniac.

OT: Depends on the people involved, if you ask me. There's a shit ton of variables to determine which of the two it is and no one person has the correct answer. It is only their answer to the question.

 

[Dreiko_v1legacy]

I think there's misunderstanding. It is obvious someone breaking into your house to smell your dirty laundry is bizzare and weird, this isn't really what most often is described as creepy though, which is more normal, but in some way undesirable, courses of action.


It is this, secondary type of creepy thing that this topic regards. Not siniffing laundry, more like texting good morning to someone every day or making extra lunch and sharing it or similar such normal-spectrum things that can be considered "creepy" by someone.

...see, I feel you may have missed both the joke and the hyperbolic example there with the dirty laundry. Ah well, shit happens.

And the secondary type of creepy is what Phasmal already addressed anyway - context and reciprocity matters. I text my partner good morning every day (when we're not around each other), but that's because we're both fine with doing that. Texting some rando 'good morning' every day when they don't want it though? Creepy. Making extra lunch and sharing it? Actually pretty nice. Making lunch and sharing it as a romantic gesture? Unless you're dating that person and both parties are comfortable with it, creepy.

Like... yeah, Context is everything, how the people respond is everything. That's literally it.

Haha, well, you seem to also have missed the distinction I was drawing (unless you think suddenly cooking for a person you barely know fits within the definition of nornal-spectrum acts that I specified...) so I guess I got what I deserved.


Again, the question here is "why do only some people come off as creepy when the cotext is the same as the one of those who come off as romantic". To answer that it is due to context misses the point entirely and answers an altogether different question. The basis for the question is that context leaves the determination solely on the shoulders of the person towards whom the act is directed. What we are examining here is why, all things bein equal, people react differently to the same acts done by different people in similar contexts. Ergo my original post in this topic.

 

[Shoggoth2588]

I think it depends on the people involved. There are some people who think it's a cute show of affection to make sex in public but honestly if someone says my name to me in any sort of kind way I get incredibly uncomfortable. This is one of those weird, "There is no correct answer" kinds of things since people are so weird and different.

I don't completely buy it when people say, "this is only creepy if the person doing it to me isn't attractive". Creepy behavior is creepy behavior, no matter what the person doing it looks like and no matter what their intent.

"Here is a well-written confession of my love with a lock of my hair" says Tom Hiddleston.
"Awwww" says the recipient
"Here is a well-written confession of my love with a lock of my hair" says Brendon Fraiser.
"GET THE FU-HAAAAAAAAAAAAAALP!!! POLICE!!!" says the recipient.

 

[bastardofmelbourne]

I'd say it's the degree to which the feelings are reciprocated that makes the difference. I mean, romantic things are romantic because you're supposed to be in a romance with the person. If they're a total stranger you ogle at the gas station, it's not romantic for you to show up on their lawn playing music. It's weird and creepy.

The best answer is that a lot of it is contextual and based on accurately gauging the other person's degree of interest in you. If they're uninterested and you want their attention, a better way to do it is to politely ask if they want to get a coffee sometime or any other way of opening a conversation. Once they know you better, you can move on to the late-night texts and dick pics. You need to earn enough trust that they know there's no malice behind it; then it stops being creepy.

So, context, context, context. Physical attractiveness is, in my experience, irrelevant, and kind of dodges the whole question by shovelling responsibility for one's romantic prospects entirely on how pretty their face is. That just discourages average-to-fugly looking people from dating, and gives attractive people a false sense of confidence that can easily lead to crossing someone's personal boundaries by mistake.

 

[Strazdas]

Also for a curveball, it's creepy if you're expecting a reward or a certain outcome for yourself. It's romantic if you're doing it because you think they'd like it, and don't want anything in return.

So what you are saying is that there is no such thing as romantic?

 

[Bilious Green_v1legacy]

A ski mask.

 

[Redlin5_v1legacy]

Reciprocation. Going into the depths of your emotions and desires when the other person hasn't returned a little bit of theirs, if they have them at all for you, is the beginning of creepy. Extensive details without their consent IS creepy.

It takes two to tango, don't play your cards out all at once.

 

[Addendum_Forthcoming]

Whether it's a coffee commercial or not...


I will also accept; "When the BGM tells us it is/n't..."

That gaze at the end becomes a whole lot more sinister if you replace the tune with the in-episode remix of the X-Files theme.

 

[ObsidianJones_v1legacy]

I'll throw in my two cents.

Romance: "Hopefully this gesture will make this person happy"

Creepy: "This should get this person to see how great I am and how we should be together"

Romance is a gesture, be it great or small, to just do for the other person. Filling your partner's tires because they are stuck home working on something is romantic. Poems are not going to be written over it, but it will touch someone that you went through the effort for no other reason than you care.

Creepy are attempts to impress the other person so they realize you're a suitable mate. They are show-offy gestures designed to make you look like hot shit so the object of your affection (and never has the term been so apt) has no choice but to submit to your wooing.

 

[Strazdas]

Also for a curveball, it's creepy if you're expecting a reward or a certain outcome for yourself. It's romantic if you're doing it because you think they'd like it, and don't want anything in return.

So what you are saying is that there is no such thing as romantic?

... You only do nice things if you expect something in return? Yeah that's a you problem dude.

Everyone, every single person alive on earth, does that. At the very least people doing "romantic" stuff want attention.

 

[Strazdas]

Also for a curveball, it's creepy if you're expecting a reward or a certain outcome for yourself. It's romantic if you're doing it because you think they'd like it, and don't want anything in return.

So what you are saying is that there is no such thing as romantic?

... You only do nice things if you expect something in return? Yeah that's a you problem dude.

Everyone, every single person alive on earth, does that. At the very least people doing "romantic" stuff want attention.

Or they just want to do something that'll make the person they like happy and are acting unselfishly.

There is no such thing as acting unselfishly. These actions are done for attention (not necessarely romantic one). There are also the selfish reason of pshichological effect, when one feels better about himself for doing something.

 

[Strazdas]

Also for a curveball, it's creepy if you're expecting a reward or a certain outcome for yourself. It's romantic if you're doing it because you think they'd like it, and don't want anything in return.

So what you are saying is that there is no such thing as romantic?

... You only do nice things if you expect something in return? Yeah that's a you problem dude.

Everyone, every single person alive on earth, does that. At the very least people doing "romantic" stuff want attention.

Or they just want to do something that'll make the person they like happy and are acting unselfishly.

There is no such thing as acting unselfishly. These actions are done for attention (not necessarely romantic one). There are also the selfish reason of pshichological effect, when one feels better about himself for doing something.

Just because a person does benefit (ie feeling good about themselves) doesn't make it the reason they did it and doesn't change whether or not the motive was selfish. Why do people assume their hang ups are everyone else's hang ups? Just because you can't comprehend doing things unmotivated by personal gain doesn't make it impossible. Again, this is a you problem

You got it backwards. The reason they did it is because they want to feel good about themselves. That need to feel good is the motivating factor to do the "good" thing.

There is literally no action humans ever take that are not out of selfish interest, though often they do not think about it.

 

[Strazdas]

Everyone, every single person alive on earth, does that. At the very least people doing "romantic" stuff want attention.

Or they just want to do something that'll make the person they like happy and are acting unselfishly.

There is no such thing as acting unselfishly. These actions are done for attention (not necessarely romantic one). There are also the selfish reason of pshichological effect, when one feels better about himself for doing something.

Just because a person does benefit (ie feeling good about themselves) doesn't make it the reason they did it and doesn't change whether or not the motive was selfish. Why do people assume their hang ups are everyone else's hang ups? Just because you can't comprehend doing things unmotivated by personal gain doesn't make it impossible. Again, this is a you problem

You got it backwards. The reason they did it is because they want to feel good about themselves. That need to feel good is the motivating factor to do the "good" thing.

There is literally no action humans ever take that are not out of selfish interest, though often they do not think about it.

Any evidence of that bold claim that purports to ascribe intent to the actions of all people?

The science of human needs fulfillment and motivation is pretty broad. behaviuor patterns in humans and animals alike all point to this.

 

[Clive Howlitzer]

It is basically the same as beauty. All in the eye of the beholder.