Why do i keep doing it when i know it ends badly?

[DemonicVixen]

Hey Escapists. I know many of you hate these type of threads but i really need some advice and im sure there are adults or teens here that can help in some form or other so here it goes...

I get a boyfriend. I get "clingy" of him, want him near me constantly, tell him i love him and expect him to say he loves me back... trouble is, they get annoyed and bored when this happens too much, being typical lads that arnt too keen on too much affection. I cant seem to help myself trying to get them to show me that they love me, but it takes them to say the words, or to cuddle me often to prove it. Maybe its because i've been hurt so many times, maybe its because i have no friends and no life outside of college and i live alone having had my mum die in January of this year. I'm 19 and still need someone beside me that i can "cling to", to hold me in their arms and tell me they love me... Why the hell cant i learn to back off? Even my new boyfriend's mum realises how clingy i am, and she's only seen me and him together twice out of the month we've been together. He stays at mine most of the week, but thats also his choice, its not like im forcing him.
When he goes, even if its only been 1hr i begin to yern to have him close again, want to hear his voice, feel his arms wrap around me again... I know it isnt natural and many of you will be sitting there thinking "omg what the hell is up with her!?" Yet as much as i try to ignore the lonely feeling i get when he is away, it doesnt go and it hurts like hell.

Also, i cant blame it on my mum dying because i was like this even before she died with my last boyfriend (some of you might remember Almightywabbit on here) and guess what?? We split up almost 2 months ago now. Now history is repeating itself and im clinging on again to a new and better boyfriend and although he says its not bothering him, i get the distinct impression that it does and i hate that, and now to think his mother is wary of the relationship really cuts deep.

So im asking you all... Does anyone know of a way i can stop being so clingy before i lose another boyfriend... one that i know for a fact will be so much better then the last if only i can keep him??

 

[cuddly_tomato]

Find something else to occupy some of your time, a hobby or something.

Get a few extra friends to cling to when you find the need to cling to give your boy some space.

Talk to your boyfriend about your needs, and organize a "cling night" once a week, where you will both snuggle up and watch a film together or something. Or maybe do something 'romantic' I don't know. Then instead of trying to cling, remember the night is coming soon and save it all up for then.

 

[keybird]

I wish my Girlfriend was like that. Sometimes I want to just hold her in my arms and she just kinda refuses. So I know exactly how you feel and im kinda jealous at the same time. The only advice I can give is that you take one of his jackes/shirts. I know it ounds crazy but one time my girl took my jacket and then told me that she slept with it because it had my scent on it and she wished I was there. So dont just ask for his jacket but say that its cold and then kinda keep it for the night.

 

[Sigel]

I suggest finding the root of your probelm(s) and dealing with it maybe with a professional. You know and accept that you are clingy, but why are you clingy? What is your thought process behind it? Is it a security issue, lack of attention, etc...If you can find out what the intial problem is, you may have a better chance at dealing with your other smaller problems which may be stemming from a larger ignored one. It is like ignoring the elephant in the room until the shit is up to your eyeballs.

 

[Disaster Button]

Hell I get this way with best friends until I practically have my personality absorbed into them and walk around just following them doing whatever they wish. I'm a little sick of it as it makes it even more difficult for me to make and keep friendships.

 

[jasoncyrus]

Hey Escapists. I know many of you hate these type of threads but i really need some advice and im sure there are adults or teens here that can help in some form or other so here it goes...

I get a boyfriend. I get "clingy" of him, want him near me constantly, tell him i love him and expect him to say he loves me back... trouble is, they get annoyed and bored when this happens too much, being typical lads that arnt too keen on too much affection. I cant seem to help myself trying to get them to show me that they love me, but it takes them to say the words, or to cuddle me often to prove it. Maybe its because i've been hurt so many times, maybe its because i have no friends and no life outside of college and i live alone having had my mum die in January of this year. I'm 19 and still need someone beside me that i can "cling to", to hold me in their arms and tell me they love me... Why the hell cant i learn to back off? Even my new boyfriend's mum realises how clingy i am, and she's only seen me and him together twice out of the month we've been together. He stays at mine most of the week, but thats also his choice, its not like im forcing him.
When he goes, even if its only been 1hr i begin to yern to have him close again, want to hear his voice, feel his arms wrap around me again... I know it isnt natural and many of you will be sitting there thinking "omg what the hell is up with her!?" Yet as much as i try to ignore the lonely feeling i get when he is away, it doesnt go and it hurts like hell.

Also, i cant blame it on my mum dying because i was like this even before she died with my last boyfriend (some of you might remember Almightywabbit on here) and guess what?? We split up almost 2 months ago now. Now history is repeating itself and im clinging on again to a new and better boyfriend and although he says its not bothering him, i get the distinct impression that it does and i hate that, and now to think his mother is wary of the relationship really cuts deep.

So im asking you all... Does anyone know of a way i can stop being so clingy before i lose another boyfriend... one that i know for a fact will be so much better then the last if only i can keep him??

If the guys you date dont like clingy then apparently your taste in men needs revision. I myself LOVE clingy women. Never have to worry about them cheating on me and I get super brownie points for being clingy too because it helps my wife feel safe and loved etc etc.

Clingy = solid relationship. If your boyfriend doesn't like clingy then he'll probably cheat on you anyway.

 

[leviathanmisha]

Snip to my heart's content!

My bf loves when I cling to him, he says he feels awesome having someone so short hanging off of him...hmm...I feel as if I should be offended by that...

But anyways, you need to look at different kinds of men, cause the ones you're dating just aren't working out for you.

 

[Jark212]

Maybe you need to take a look at the type of guys your dating. Next you can set little goals for yourself like:
-Hands off for this period of time or he get's comfortable in a committed relationship.
-No overly elaborate displays of affection for a self-set amount of time.

These are just a few examples of things to try if you REALLY think you need it...


I personally like "clingy" women, or any woman that likes me...

 

[child of lileth]

Keep in mind, I'm not trying to sound rude when I say any of this.

From your OP, I can understand why you'd be the clingy type. At the same time, most people, boy or girl, don't like the clingy types. Even some that do, get tired of them very quickly. I think since you said you don't really have many friends to talk to or hang out with, maybe if you do find some new friends, you'd have other options of people to talk to, and you wouldn't end up spending so much time that your bf would get sick of you.

Now, I also know it can be hard to find new friends. You said your in college or university? The easiest thing I can thin of is, you can see if there's any kind of activity group, or club or something similar, where you can meet new people that you already know share a similar interest with you. That might not be an option, but just putting it out there. There's also stuff like, if you work, you can ask someone at your job if they know anyone who would want to hang out, or even if they would.

I can understand wanting someone to hold you and love you like you said, but you need to understand that sometimes, there can be too much of that for your partner, and they might get annoyed or irritated by it. Just try to explain to them that it makes you feel secure, and that's what you want. Then maybe you could both discus other ways of getting the same feeling you get from that. At the same time, they might not want to do that at all.

I don't have a ton of ideas for how to get away from being a clingy person, but it is possible. I think the main thing would just to be getting a few other people to talk to, or to go places with. That way, it would give your bf some space, and he'd have more time to himself, instead of possibly feeling smothered, and like he has to spend too much time with you and so on.

Hope at least some of this helped.

 

[dududf]

It took me far too long to realize that you were a girl, and not gay.

Any ways, try getting a hobby, workout, do other stuff. Just try to make it occupy your time, if your boyfriend doesn't miss the clinginess then he and you probably just aren't meant to be.

 

[The_Healer]

snip

You need to find the right guy? Obviously the guys you are going out with are too conscious of trying to be 'manly' instead of just enjoying your company. Any guy who thinks he is too manly to hug his girlfriend is clearly compensating for something.

If you are annoying him (or them) just by wanting to spend time with them, you are going out with the wrong guy or being annoying in other ways (such as talking when he's watching sport).

[sub]God its annoying when people interupt my viewing[/sub]

 

[Soulgaunt]

.....I wanna hug you now!
Although, I think my girlfriend would get pissed off...

OT: Maybe you should ask him. If you really think he's being bothered by your clingy-ness, then ask him. If he truly loves/likes you, then he'd tell you the truth.

 

[LarenzoAOG]

Become a lesbian?

 

[Johnnyallstar]

Honestly, I think it's perfectly natural to be a little clingy.

And it's not that we guys aren't affectionate, we just don't like admitting it. Especially not 1 month into a relationship.

 

[Yureina]

I'm not too fond of the clingy types, but that's largely because I value time that I have to spend by myself to think about things. If someone is constantly wanting to be around me, that would surely interfere with that and i'd probably get annoyed before long. Thankfully, I have run into very few people like this.

As for the OP... i'd start looking a hobby.

 

[Burck]

Maybe its because i've been hurt so many times, maybe its because i have no friends and no life outside of college and i live alone having had my mum die in January of this year. I'm 19 and still need someone beside me that i can "cling to", to hold me in their arms and tell me they love me...
Why the hell cant i learn to back off?

Don't blame yourself for this... I can't be sure why you feel so clingy, but it does no good for you for me to guess- this isn't a game of 20 questions after all.

I would suggest you see a therapist to help you look deeper into yourself to find the root of your feelings.

It's tough to feel so alone- but you don't have to.

 

[Swarley]

Damn, you're crazy. You've only been dating him a month and you neeeeed him all the time. That's crazy. Hate to be a jerk, but you need to get a life.

I hate a clinger, so that's my opinion.

This.

Clingy = solid relationship. If your boyfriend doesn't like clingy then he'll probably cheat on you anyway.

This by far the most idiotic comment I have ever read. Are you seriously trying to suggest that if people aren't 100% codependent on their partner they will obviously cheat on them?

 

[jasoncyrus]

Damn, you're crazy. You've only been dating him a month and you neeeeed him all the time. That's crazy. Hate to be a jerk, but you need to get a life.

I hate a clinger, so that's my opinion.

This.

Clingy = solid relationship. If your boyfriend doesn't like clingy then he'll probably cheat on you anyway.

This by far the most idiotic comment I have ever read. Are you seriously trying to suggest that if people aren't 100% codependent on their partner they will obviously cheat on them?

Feel free to accurately read and understand my post before slurring insults that make you look ignorant.

I said "If your boyfriend doesn't like clingy". As in has a negative reaction to it. As in finds it displeasing.

Also, I said probably, not obviously.

Clearly you hvn't been in real love if you've never felt the need to spend 100% of your time with your partner. I pity people like you, the cynical jaded ones who have given up on finding true, undeniable love.

 

[Layz92]

I'd have to agree with the people saying I enjoy having a "clingy" (not quite the word I'd use but it is close enough) girlfriend. Makes you feel loved and wanted. If you want to really ease off a bit it will just take willpower. Not much else to it.

 

[Swarley]

Damn, you're crazy. You've only been dating him a month and you neeeeed him all the time. That's crazy. Hate to be a jerk, but you need to get a life.

I hate a clinger, so that's my opinion.

This.

Clingy = solid relationship. If your boyfriend doesn't like clingy then he'll probably cheat on you anyway.

This by far the most idiotic comment I have ever read. Are you seriously trying to suggest that if people aren't 100% codependent on their partner they will obviously cheat on them?

Feel free to accurately read and understand my post before slurring insults that make you look ignorant.

I said "If your boyfriend doesn't like clingy". As in has a negative reaction to it. As in finds it displeasing.

Also, I said probably, not obviously.

Clearly you hvn't been in real love if you've never felt the need to spend 100% of your time with your partner. I pity people like you, the cynical jaded ones who have given up on finding true, undeniable love.

So you're further stressing the point that if I don't want someone always attached to me by the hip I'm probably going to be a cheater? Excuse me for wanting some personal space and to have a life outside of a relationship, but obviously that just means I'm "jaded".

Seriously, do you actually believe that crap?

It's people like you that I pity, needing someone else to have any sort of personality or even function properly must be tough, but clearly its made you a strong enough person to make assumptions about other peoples lives.

I've got to agree with Swarley on this one. You've got to be one of those people who ditch their friends at the sight of a relationship. People like you make me sick. I'll bet you have no close male friends? Because you ditched all your friends for some girl and then got dumped and had no one to hang out with, so you got a new girlfriend and probably married her.

That's a terrible way to spend life. Clinging to one other person's dreams and goals. Not having your own life, having joint bank accounts, etc. What if you got cheat on by your wife? Do you live in fear that it could happen because your life would be destroyed if it did?

So, before you "pity" anyone that doesn't yearn for "true, undeniable love", which IMO is bullshit, not everyone needs to be just like you. Other people have different perspectives and goals for life. Mmk. Thanks.

Also this.