Lilani said:
So in short, I feel like this "friend zone" is nothing more the invention of insecure guys who either don't understand how relationships work, or can't get up the gumption to get up and do something about the girl they are pining over.
I'll have to disagree on this. The "friend zone" is the invention of guys that don't understand how
people work, and they're too busy
trying to do something about the girl they are pining over.
See, they think it's a fair game. If you follow the rules and do the right moves, you win. Games work that way. Some jobs work that way. Movies work that way. Every awkward-shy-guy-with-a-heart-of-gold gets issued his dream girl at the end of the movie just by being himself.
So, the problem with these guys (and the so-called "Nice Guys") is that they don't think the woman has a vote. "I did the right moves, I followed the hint guide, I said the romantic things, you should be mine by now!"
And, of course, the other side of the problem is the girl. Instead of just saying, "I'm just not attracted to you at all," and making it a clear, "No," she tries to give
reasons. And what she just did, unfortunately, is clarify the rules of the Game. By presenting obstacles ("I'm focusing on work/school right now," or "I'm getting over someone," or "I just like guys that are a little more athletic," or whatever else), she's turning "no" into "not yet," and giving him a checklist of things to fix,
and then he can win. At least, that's how it looks from the outside.
The "friend zone" is created because neither side is communicating effectively with the other. The guy is trying to beat the game and win the girl, and the girl is trying to let the guy down easy by (inadvertently) giving him false hope. Now, some guys are malicious about gaming, just like some girls are intentionally trying to keep guys "on the hook," but most of the time it's all accidental.
So, basically:
Guys: Say what you want. Ask a direct question, and accept whatever answer you get. If you don't want to hear "No," then don't ask, and don't complain. Just stay a friend. If you're putting more into the friendship than she is, it's an unhealthy friendship anyway -- why would the relationship be any different? And if you're just putting more into the friendship to win her over, consider how unhealthy and misleading that is, too.
Girls: Answer directly, but not specifically. Don't tell the guy it's because you don't like his hair, because then he'll just change his hair and come back expecting a yes. Just say, "Nope. I'm just not attracted to you. Sorry." Don't even add the "We can still be friends" part, because that either will or won't happen on its own. It's not about hurting feelings. You're not saying anything mean. You're not obligated to be attracted to everyone. It's about making sure your answer is clear and final.