Why I think the "friend zone" is a load of crap.
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Alright, that in a nutshell is the problem. The whole problem with the "friendzone" could be avoided if more women were honest in their rejections. Guys are simple, and young, inexperienced guys (the ones who get friendzoned constantly, interestingly enough) are doubly so. When we hear something like "I'm not interested in a relationship right now," what we hear is "I'm not interested in one /right now/, but if you wait long enough, I will be!" And why shouldn't we? That is what what she said means following the rules of English. Obviously most guys eventually figure out what women generally mean when they say these things, but it takes a lot of time and heartbreak before they figure it out, time and heartbreak that would have been spared by an honest no.Lilani said:
Personally, I think the friendzone does exist, but it's not what the average idea of it is. That's just something I like to call "She's just not that into you".
I would describe my last relationship as being in a "friendzone". That being, she said yes to going out with me, and we were "dating" for a considerable amount of time. However, she in no way, shape, or form acted like we were anything more than friends. From what I could tell (and also based on the breakup conversation), she didn't really want to be in a "relationship" with me in the sense that I meant, but by the time she found this out she was too scared of losing me as a friend to say anything about it. So it ended up being just a relationship status on Facebook and the occasional snuggle on the couch while watching TV. That's all that separated it from a normal friendship.
Then again, I guess you could call that simply "differing expectations on what you want in a relationship", but if being in a relationship with someone whose definition of "relationship" is pretty much synonymous with my definition of "friendship" isn't being in a friendzone, then nothing is.
I would describe my last relationship as being in a "friendzone". That being, she said yes to going out with me, and we were "dating" for a considerable amount of time. However, she in no way, shape, or form acted like we were anything more than friends. From what I could tell (and also based on the breakup conversation), she didn't really want to be in a "relationship" with me in the sense that I meant, but by the time she found this out she was too scared of losing me as a friend to say anything about it. So it ended up being just a relationship status on Facebook and the occasional snuggle on the couch while watching TV. That's all that separated it from a normal friendship.
Then again, I guess you could call that simply "differing expectations on what you want in a relationship", but if being in a relationship with someone whose definition of "relationship" is pretty much synonymous with my definition of "friendship" isn't being in a friendzone, then nothing is.
I believe this strip may be relevant... http://xkcd.com/513/Erana said:
As a guy, I personally want to punch every guy I hear moaning about the friendzone. Because even on the few occasions where it is actually true, then so what? You win some, you lose some, now nut up for Christ's sake.
Edit: the Ninja has been Ninja'd.
I can explain the whole phenomenon in two words: romantic comedies. That XKCD comic? Replace the negative spin with a positive one, and you have every Hugh Grant movie ever made. From birth we're fed this fantasy that men and women are supposed to fall in love slowly, starting out at best friends, at worst hating each other, before gradually getting to know and falling in love with one another. Now obviously it doesn't take much experience with real world dating to figure out why this is wrong, but the guys who constantly complain about the friend zone don't have that experience, and they have a very hard time getting it.NinjaDeathSlap said:
Hell yes. Life would be so much simpler if people (despite the person I am quoting, this applies to all genders, races, and creeds) would JUST SAY WHAT THEY FUCKING MEAN!Owyn_Merrilin said:
The short translation is to take anything that could potentially be a rejection if you put the right kind of spin on it as a flat out rejection, because that's what is meant.
Also, AFAICT, the translation of "it's not you, it's me" is "it's not you, it's the other guy I'm fucking."
Didn't we already have like fifty of these threads?
Also to the guy who posted the XKCD strip: That comic is kinda poking fun at the guys who believe in the friend zone, not sure if you got that. (I may just be misinterpreting your post of course).
I wonder if this will get unpleasant...
well my captcha is foregone conclusion, how weirdly appropriate.
Also to the guy who posted the XKCD strip: That comic is kinda poking fun at the guys who believe in the friend zone, not sure if you got that. (I may just be misinterpreting your post of course).
I wonder if this will get unpleasant...
well my captcha is foregone conclusion, how weirdly appropriate.
Apparently the friend zone is far more complicated than I thought.
To me it was always just a term when a girl told you she wanted to be "just friends", no matter how it got to that point. Call me naive, but I was unaware of all the other connotation and assumptions that came with it.
For instance, I wasn't aware that using the term would mean I have rejection issues, I thought it was just a specific form of rejection.
I was unaware it was only used by people who schemed to force a girl to like them, a la the XKCD comic.
I'm too exhausted to think up more
To me it was always just a term when a girl told you she wanted to be "just friends", no matter how it got to that point. Call me naive, but I was unaware of all the other connotation and assumptions that came with it.
For instance, I wasn't aware that using the term would mean I have rejection issues, I thought it was just a specific form of rejection.
I was unaware it was only used by people who schemed to force a girl to like them, a la the XKCD comic.
I'm too exhausted to think up more
back when i was in like early 7th grade (i know thats pretty young for a real relationship) i was bestfriends with this girl, who i also had a huuuge crush on, and she would always tell me that no girl would ever turn me down and blah blah blah, so when i asked her out, she said she could never see me as more than a brother. hence i got friendzoned majorly
As a man who has been put in the friendzone by every girl he's ever been attracted to, your points are invalid. Guys do not think that every girl they are attracted to should reciprocate, nor do we think that relationships can never sprout from friendships. The fact is, once a person classifies you as a friend, it is difficult to get them to change that. It is equally hard to ruin a friendship as it is to go from friendzone to dating. Also, the "friendzone" comes from the infuriating tendancy of girls you are friends with saying that they want their boyfriends to be just like you, which is crap. They want them to be as nice as you, but to still be hot, outgoing, and in general be the head of the football team without being the asshole.
Why do I even participate in these threads? You won't believe me no matter what I say, but anyone, male or female, who has been in the friendzone knows that it is a very real thing.
Also, I love the argument about just being friends with them to get in their pants. I have known a lot of people who have been stuck in the friendzone, and not one of them broke off the friendship once it was clear they wouldn't get sex. That's not being in the frienzone, that's getting turned down by a girl you like and saying you're in the friendzone.
Think about it, the friendzone is inescapable, but if you start acting like an asshole the minute she turns you down, your not going to stay as one of his/her friends, so you won't stay in the friendzone. Real friendzoners get shot down and continue to be his/her friend despite the heartrending pain of being her friend while wanting to be more and watching her date guys who do nothing but emotionally abuse her because they are too nice to ditch her like a bad habit.
In short, the friendzone is a product of stupidity on both sides, as is any argument about i(yes, I include myself in that)
Why do I even participate in these threads? You won't believe me no matter what I say, but anyone, male or female, who has been in the friendzone knows that it is a very real thing.
Also, I love the argument about just being friends with them to get in their pants. I have known a lot of people who have been stuck in the friendzone, and not one of them broke off the friendship once it was clear they wouldn't get sex. That's not being in the frienzone, that's getting turned down by a girl you like and saying you're in the friendzone.
Think about it, the friendzone is inescapable, but if you start acting like an asshole the minute she turns you down, your not going to stay as one of his/her friends, so you won't stay in the friendzone. Real friendzoners get shot down and continue to be his/her friend despite the heartrending pain of being her friend while wanting to be more and watching her date guys who do nothing but emotionally abuse her because they are too nice to ditch her like a bad habit.
In short, the friendzone is a product of stupidity on both sides, as is any argument about i(yes, I include myself in that)
I don't see why people get so up in arms about this.
For one, I disagree with your definition of the friend zone. I think it's much more basic than that. It's just a term to describe two people who are close, and one of them has feelings for the other who doesn't share the same romantic feelings. It's not a negative thing. It doesn't mean the guy is a passive aggressive douchebag who is angry about the girl not reciprocating back.
It's just a term to describe a relationship.
And I've been in the situation. I've actually managed to be one of those guys who broke out of the alleged friend zone. Didn't end well.
For one, I disagree with your definition of the friend zone. I think it's much more basic than that. It's just a term to describe two people who are close, and one of them has feelings for the other who doesn't share the same romantic feelings. It's not a negative thing. It doesn't mean the guy is a passive aggressive douchebag who is angry about the girl not reciprocating back.
It's just a term to describe a relationship.
And I've been in the situation. I've actually managed to be one of those guys who broke out of the alleged friend zone. Didn't end well.
....aaaaand this is where I have to mention a misconception some people have assumed in this thread.GobbieGoldchain said:
"If person A doesn't accept the friendship and opts to move on instead, that means they were only friends with person B to get into their pants to begin with."
That's not true, you see. Sure, there are some people who will act that way for some reason or the other, but it's far from the general rule. Because, agreeing with the post I'm replying too, yes, these kinds of "friendzone friendships" tend to get quite awkward and uncomfortable at start at least, because then there's a lot of that "What can and can't I do now. Can I still hug them? Or offer to buy them a drink?". It just gets all blurry and messy and awkward.
Eh, same old, except this time we are down to only one person that still clings to the friendzone concept. I guess that's progress.
Also, I can see the point about being frank and honest with people, but I can also think of reasons for letting down a potentially creepy person that thinks you should be together a bit gently.
Also, I can see the point about being frank and honest with people, but I can also think of reasons for letting down a potentially creepy person that thinks you should be together a bit gently.
Most of these posts I'm not going to reply to because I'd just be repeating what I said in the OP...but, what? I am so confused. From what I'm reading here, you aren't convinced I'm a female, and you've somehow boiled this down to attractiveness which I don't believe I ever mentioned in the OP. Just...what?Combine Rustler said:
Just to put this into another perspective for you guys don't view the friend zone as everything you state above the only thing that makes a friend zone a friend zone is if the girl you like says "Sorry I like you as a friend" or "I don't want to ruin our friendship" everything else you stated in the op really doesn't have much to do with the being put in the friend zone it has everything to do with relationship drama though.
This part isn't directed at you lilani:
On that note I have been friend zoned more times than I care to admit in high school and college. The first few times it hurt pretty bad and its hard to get out of that cycle of not wanting to give up and regretting it and just cutting your loses. After a while it didn't bother me as much but I will tell you what did and this isn't an isolated incident with me. I have had friends in college and new friends I made after I moved away from college and even older gentlemen coworkers(seriously is this a rite of passage for men because I don't think I have ever met a man that has not been friend zoned at least once. Not to say its impossible) tell me that the girls did this same thing to them and that is. Talk about her boyfriend AFTER you confessed your feelings for her whether it was 2 weeks or 2 months I really don't think this is kosher this is like if the girl came back from her mothers funeral and you said "sucks about your mom but hey if it makes you feel any better my mom is healthy and is going to live a long time oh did I say it sucks about your mom"
Even if you are over her it seems that girls figure that after you confess that they can do nothing but complain about things and not do the fun things that made you friends in the first place and still stay friends.
TL;DR Friendzoned = girl saying lets stay friends thats it.
Girls its not okay to talk about your boyfriend to the guy who confessed to you.
If a guy confesses to you don't treat him like a ***** towel and do the things that made you friends to begin with.
This part isn't directed at you lilani:
On that note I have been friend zoned more times than I care to admit in high school and college. The first few times it hurt pretty bad and its hard to get out of that cycle of not wanting to give up and regretting it and just cutting your loses. After a while it didn't bother me as much but I will tell you what did and this isn't an isolated incident with me. I have had friends in college and new friends I made after I moved away from college and even older gentlemen coworkers(seriously is this a rite of passage for men because I don't think I have ever met a man that has not been friend zoned at least once. Not to say its impossible) tell me that the girls did this same thing to them and that is. Talk about her boyfriend AFTER you confessed your feelings for her whether it was 2 weeks or 2 months I really don't think this is kosher this is like if the girl came back from her mothers funeral and you said "sucks about your mom but hey if it makes you feel any better my mom is healthy and is going to live a long time oh did I say it sucks about your mom"
Even if you are over her it seems that girls figure that after you confess that they can do nothing but complain about things and not do the fun things that made you friends in the first place and still stay friends.
TL;DR Friendzoned = girl saying lets stay friends thats it.
Girls its not okay to talk about your boyfriend to the guy who confessed to you.
If a guy confesses to you don't treat him like a ***** towel and do the things that made you friends to begin with.
I dunno, I think the "friend zone" exists to an extent, but it doesn't mean I want to hear whining about it. Nor is it a solid rule, it affects maybe 30-40% of women, by my estimate, although judging this is impossible. Also, it's a two way street, there are men who "friend zone" women.
I once liked a girl, but was too pussy to ask her out. She kept hitting on me, but I didn't return her advances for a good two years, by that time, she had moved on. Just a few weeks ago, she told me she was banging a guy "just like me". Turns out the guy was only interested in the sex, and even that interest faded quick. Now she's friend zoned.
I could have been a cynical asshole and state "karma", but instead I manned up and played shrink. I realized that we really don't have that much in common, nor would we work out well. We just had some kind of attraction. It's called growing up, and is what most people who shout "FRIENDZONE" need to do.
I once liked a girl, but was too pussy to ask her out. She kept hitting on me, but I didn't return her advances for a good two years, by that time, she had moved on. Just a few weeks ago, she told me she was banging a guy "just like me". Turns out the guy was only interested in the sex, and even that interest faded quick. Now she's friend zoned.
I could have been a cynical asshole and state "karma", but instead I manned up and played shrink. I realized that we really don't have that much in common, nor would we work out well. We just had some kind of attraction. It's called growing up, and is what most people who shout "FRIENDZONE" need to do.
