Winter's Fail

Triaed

Not Gone Gonzo
Jan 16, 2009
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Bob, you had me in stitches! I had to read the same paragraph two or three times, partly in disbelief, partly because I wanted to re-read your perfectly described experience.
Anyway, I will certainly watch this movie! You have piqued my morbid interest.
(I agree with other posters, make a review of this!)
 

ThunderCavalier

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Nov 21, 2009
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*blinks*

I'm sorry, but could someone repeat that to me? You lost me at the part where Will Smith was a devil or something.
 

Starke

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Mar 6, 2008
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Thunderous Cacophony said:
Starke said:
No offense, Bob... but, Magical Realism is the genre where you're left in doubt of supernatural elements even occurring. Like the first two seasons of Millennium. This sounds like your standard, mescaline soaked, YA, Urban Fantasy adaptation.
I don't think so. Magical realism is when there is magic (usually subtle) in an otherwise realistic setting. The Curious Case of Benjamin Button was magical realism because it had somebody living backwards in what was otherwise an ordinary world.

OT: Now I kinda want to see this movie, if only for Devil-Smith.
Benjamin Button's kind of a bad example, in that something explicitly supernatural is going on. Though, in the long term, magical realism is probably doomed to become "low fantasy in a modern setting," much the same way urban fantasy has become "modern day with elves vampires" or "Shadowrun without the cyberpunk elements." Doesn't mean we have to hasten it's demise.

Also... I should have sensed Mark Helprin's idiocy all over this. I do find it amusing that the copy printed nine years ago lists it as "now a major motion picture," meaning this film languished in hell for close to a decade. I guess now we know why.
 

Starke

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ThunderCavalier said:
*blinks*

I'm sorry, but could someone repeat that to me? You lost me at the part where Will Smith was a devil or something.
It's an adaptation of a novel by a guy who thinks Google is conspiring to destroy copyright, and by extension Western Civilization, and god, I wish I was making that up. The book's from 1983, the film's been in development hell since at least 2005, and you want it to make sense?

EDIT: I'm doing him a little bit of a disservice, he presents Google as blissfully out of touch, and seems to think that a faction on the internet is out to destroy copyright, but, you know... still...
 

guitarsniper

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Mar 5, 2011
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I thought this was just an adaptation of the Shakespeare play. You mean to tell me it has nothing to do with it? :(

That play has the greatest stage direction in history: Exit, Pursued by a Bear
 
Apr 17, 2009
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Wait, the hero has a magical black friend and a magical inuit friend? Leave some magical minorities for the rest of us, you greedy so-and-so! I don't even have one magical friend helping me out...
 

Drake the Dragonheart

The All-American Dragon.
Aug 14, 2008
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First that was a hilarious read. But seriously bob: "The things I do for you people." Really? You watched a bad movie. A really bad movie. Of that I have no doubt. What you described might well be one of the worst things ever created by human beings. But are you really going to act like some kind of martyr because you watched an awful, horrible movie? You fell on a sword for all of us on this one?

Barbas said:
I can't wait to see what people like Doug Walker make of this movie, although that may be a terrible thing to say - I get the feeling that they die a little inside every time they finish viewing a film like this. What a bizarre, baffling, bumbling, boggling, butt-munching production it sounds like. Boo.
His review of Batman and Robin was literally one of the most hilarious moments of my entire life. I was fearing for my life near the end of such. Yes I was genuinely worried that review was going to make me laugh myself to death. The part where he starts waving the gun around, shouting about "a bat credit card?!!" yeah, could barely breathe after that. So maybe this will spawn a similar video.
 

teamcharlie

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Jan 22, 2013
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Probably gonna pass on this one for the time being. I'm all for bad movies, but optimally clumsy ones. Preferably with boobs and explosions. This just sounds like a big-budget PG-13 misfire for a demographic I wish didn't exist, and those deserve nothing more than to die a slow, painful death.
 

frizzlebyte

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Oct 20, 2008
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ewhac said:
Okay, so I'm a guy and, after reading your summary, I going to have to pick up Winter's Tale now. It actually sounds really good, or at least like the kind of thing I'd enjoy. Thanks for your post. :)

EDIT: Oh, and I have to see this movie sometime, too. It just sounds sooo bad. That's hilarious.
 

RA92

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Jan 1, 2011
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Drake the Dragonheart said:
"The things I do for you people." Really? You watched a bad movie. A really bad movie. Of that I have no doubt. What you described might well be one of the worst things ever created by human beings. But are you really going to act like some kind of martyr because you watched an awful, horrible movie? You fell on a sword for all of us on this one?
He was being intentionally dramatic for comedic effect.
 

Kargathia

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Jul 16, 2009
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Starke said:
ThunderCavalier said:
*blinks*

I'm sorry, but could someone repeat that to me? You lost me at the part where Will Smith was a devil or something.
It's an adaptation of a novel by a guy who thinks Google is conspiring to destroy copyright, and by extension Western Civilization, and god, I wish I was making that up. The book's from 1983, the film's been in development hell since at least 2005, and you want it to make sense?

EDIT: I'm doing him a little bit of a disservice, he presents Google as blissfully out of touch, and seems to think that a faction on the internet is out to destroy copyright, but, you know... still...
Admittedly, a "faction" on the internet is out to destroy copyright as we know it.

Beyond that this whole thing sounds like something you'd see if you were having fever hallucinations in a teenage girl's bedroom.
 

Starke

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Mar 6, 2008
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Kargathia said:
Starke said:
ThunderCavalier said:
*blinks*

I'm sorry, but could someone repeat that to me? You lost me at the part where Will Smith was a devil or something.
It's an adaptation of a novel by a guy who thinks Google is conspiring to destroy copyright, and by extension Western Civilization, and god, I wish I was making that up. The book's from 1983, the film's been in development hell since at least 2005, and you want it to make sense?

EDIT: I'm doing him a little bit of a disservice, he presents Google as blissfully out of touch, and seems to think that a faction on the internet is out to destroy copyright, but, you know... still...
Admittedly, a "faction" on the internet is out to destroy copyright as we know it.

Beyond that this whole thing sounds like something you'd see if you were having fever hallucinations in a teenage girl's bedroom.
Not one lead by Google, though. The way he writes it, it sounds like the goddamn Illuminati is out there plotting to devour and destroy copyright. The entirety of that book is a bit like that. I can't speak for Winter's Tale obviously, but Digital Barbarism possesses a disconnection from reality that would be fantastic for a classic wardrobe fantasy novel, unfortunately, it's supposed to be a coherent discussion of intellectual property laws.
 

Neurotic Void Melody

Bound to escape
Legacy
Jul 15, 2013
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This surely doesnt exist as a movie! I must be dreaming still.
Though i havent had a drink for a few days, that could explain some things.
At least it doesnt have Richard E Grant smugging himself across the screen leaving smears of smug throughout the film. On that basis alone, i should watch it. Sounds like the batshit crazy idea that would be good for a shiggle. What were those actors thinking though?
 

Bara_no_Hime

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Sep 15, 2010
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**huge wide eyes**

I have GOT to see this movie!

It sounds so utterly awful.

Bob, I have officially taken your warnings about this film as a challenge. I now MUST see it.
 

008Zulu_v1legacy

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Sep 6, 2009
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... What the hell did I just read?

Was this movie supposed to be some sort of faux intellectual that people would say "That was so deep and spiritual." because they themselves didn't understand what they saw and didn't want to appear stupid?
 

copycatalyst

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Nov 10, 2009
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Question for you Bob: Have you seen the film Immortel, by Enki Bilal? It's not really similar to this one, but it's another film that, when described, necessitates the phrase "I'm not making this up." Likewise, it's not a good movie per se, but it's so bizarre that it stands out in my mind where numerous other, better, movies have certainly faded from memory.

Plot summary below:

It's THE FUTURE. A cryo-sleeping inmate falls from his floating prison-ship due to a mechanical failure. The Egyptian gods also live in a pyramid hovering over the city. The god Horus misbehaves and gets sentenced to lose his immortality. He plots to possess a human and impregnate another so that his semi-divine offspring could still be immortal. Problem is, people in this future are so genetically engineered and patched together with replacement organs (it being easier to implant a new heart and lungs than to quit smoking), that they are too impure for Horus to properly bind with, and his hosts have a habit of exploding when he tries. Enter the former inmate, frozen before organ transplants became the norm... but who will be pure enough to receive the seed of Horus? Why a cross-dimensional, blue haired (and blue nippled) alien woman, of course! But the other members of the Egyptian pantheon aren't idle in this. They don't want Horus exploiting this immortality loophole, so they send some kind of flying, demonic hammerhead shark to track him down (as you do). If that wasn't weird enough (wow, you must really like it weird): The main characters are acted live on a green screen stage, but the supporting characters (and Horus) are CG, and not even realistic CG, but stylized cartoonish animation. I have no idea how enough people were convinced to finance this project, but I'm really glad they did.
 

Rufus Shinra

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Oct 11, 2011
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copycatalyst said:
Question for you Bob: Have you seen the film Immortel, by Enki Bilal? It's not really similar to this one, but it's another film that, when described, necessitates the phrase "I'm not making this up." Likewise, it's not a good movie per se, but it's so bizarre that it stands out in my mind where numerous other, better, movies have certainly faded from memory.

Plot summary below:

It's THE FUTURE. A cryo-sleeping inmate falls from his floating prison-ship due to a mechanical failure. The Egyptian gods also live in a pyramid hovering over the city. The god Horus misbehaves and gets sentenced to lose his immortality. He plots to possess a human and impregnate another so that his semi-divine offspring could still be immortal. Problem is, people in this future are so genetically engineered and patched together with replacement organs (it being easier to implant a new heart and lungs than to quit smoking), that they are too impure for Horus to properly bind with, and his hosts have a habit of exploding when he tries. Enter the former inmate, frozen before organ transplants became the norm... but who will be pure enough to receive the seed of Horus? Why a cross-dimensional, blue haired (and blue nippled) alien woman, of course! But the other members of the Egyptian pantheon aren't idle in this. They don't want Horus exploiting this immortality loophole, so they send some kind of flying, demonic hammerhead shark to track him down (as you do). If that wasn't weird enough (wow, you must really like it weird): The main characters are acted live on a green screen stage, but the supporting characters (and Horus) are CG, and not even realistic CG, but stylized cartoonish animation. I have no idea how enough people were convinced to finance this project, but I'm really glad they did.
Yep, but Immortel had some glorious imagery, and the kind of universe imagined by the guy is the good kind of "WTF?!". One movie is just some lazy fantasy/religious elements added in a realistic setting, the other goes completely mad, accepts it and shows actual creativity. You should see Delicatessen or The City of Lost Children, made by the guy who did Amélie. It's one hell of the WTF too, and these movies are awesome.

From an ocean rig, a demented scientist, Krank (Daniel Emilfork), kidnaps children to steal their dreams, as he is incapable of having dreams of his own. Among them is the little brother, Denree (Joseph Lucien), of carnival strongman and former Russian[citation needed] sailor One (Ron Perlman), who sets out to rescue him with the help of a little girl named Miette (Judith Vittet), a member of a thieves' guild composed entirely of orphaned children. They delve into the world of a bio-mechanical kidnapping cult and discover the connection between the scientist and the missing Denree.

Krank is both aided and hindered by Martha (Mireille Mossé), a diminutive woman; Irvin (the voice of Jean-Louis Trintignant), a talkative brain in a tank; and six identical clones of the genius who created them all - including Krank - and has been missing for many years (all played by Dominique Pinon). They support the cult with technology as they gather children for Krank's experiments to give him dreams as without the ability to dream, he is aging rapidly. However, he does not seem to understand that by kidnapping the children, he frightens them, causing them to have only nightmares, which are worthless to him.

Conjoined twins known as the Octopus (Geneviève Brunet and Odile Mallet) control the orphan thieves in their robberies, but have become distrustful of Miette, and hire One to help the children steal a safe. The Octopus believes Miette has been holding out on them and has deserted to help One. They employ circus performer Marcello (Jean-Claude Dreyfus) to ensure Miette pays and One returns to them, and much to his own distaste he allows Miette to drown while rescuing One from the cult using a system of mind control involving trained fleas, a special serum, and a music box.

Beneath the waters Miette's last sight is that of a deep sea diver who takes her to his lair and catalogues her body. He is revealed to be a delusional paranoid, and identical to the clones except older with a beard. An accident revives Miette and she finds One and Marcello both drinking and full of sorrow in a bar. The angered Octopus has a henchman dispose of the bumbling Marcello - though he chooses not to, resenting the Octopus' control - and uses the stolen mind control system to turn One against Miette; the smallest of actions has the largest of results in a spectacular chain of events leading to the Octopus' demise instead, and One and Miette are freed to continue searching for Denree.

When a dream escapes the rig, it plants information in Miette's mind and restores some of the diver's memories, including how he once lived on the rig before he was attacked by Krank and Martha, the woman he created as a wife, and dropped into the sea. They all converge on the rig with the diver armed to destroy it and the duo to rescue Denree. Miette is almost killed by Martha before the diver arrives and shoots the dwarf in the back with a harpoon gun. Later, Miette is forced to enter a dream world to release Denree from the dream extracting machine as the diver straps himself and dynamite to the legs of the rig. In the dream world, Miette is joined by Krank, where she uses her imagination to control the dream and foil him once and for all, somehow leading to his death. One and Miette rescue all the children as the diver happens to grab some scientific papers, finally regaining his memory of who he is - the genius who created the rig-dwellers in the first place - as the clones and Irvin row away in one boat, and One, Miette, and the lost children escape in another, just before a sea bird triggers the detonation of the explosives, killing the genius and destroying the rig.



That's the big difference. And, well, Enki Bilal is kinda a legend here in France. All is comics are a WTFLOLOMGBBQ level of crazy, with a universe that is nothing short of glorious madness. So... not surprising he finally managed to get some financing, though IIRC, the film ultimately bombed.
 

soren7550

Overly Proud New Yorker
Dec 18, 2008
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Drake the Dragonheart said:
First that was a hilarious read. But seriously bob: "The things I do for you people." Really? You watched a bad movie. A really bad movie. Of that I have no doubt. What you described might well be one of the worst things ever created by human beings. But are you really going to act like some kind of martyr because you watched an awful, horrible movie? You fell on a sword for all of us on this one?

Barbas said:
I can't wait to see what people like Doug Walker make of this movie, although that may be a terrible thing to say - I get the feeling that they die a little inside every time they finish viewing a film like this. What a bizarre, baffling, bumbling, boggling, butt-munching production it sounds like. Boo.
His review of Batman and Robin was literally one of the most hilarious moments of my entire life. I was fearing for my life near the end of such. Yes I was genuinely worried that review was going to make me laugh myself to death. The part where he starts waving the gun around, shouting about "a bat credit card?!!" yeah, could barely breathe after that. So maybe this will spawn a similar video.
This would be going on the belief that whatever he's done after the 'return' of the Nostalgia Critic has been any good. Which it hasn't. (Seriously, me and the boyfriend may have chuckled all of twice throughout the past year of watching his new stuff. The stuff from before, we generally laugh our asses off each episode.)

I'd say to hold out hope for a Nostalgia Chick review, but considering how rarely she puts out a review, I wouldn't hold my breath.