Workshop an insane idea please?

DarklordKyo

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I have this friend who has some serious relationship anxiety. For example, one time, when the dude he had a crush on asked him out, he instantly shot the guy down because of said anxiety. Now, you never know what the future holds, and, for all we know, he could be destined to be some lucky guy's house spouse. Towards the end of helping him deal with his relationship anxiety, I had an idea that, honestly, is insane even by my standards.

I'm considering asking him out on a date.

Now bear with me, let me clear up a few things. First of all, I'll make sure he's fully aware of my plan, I'll point out that there aren't any ulterior motives, though we've gotten tight enough that he might not bring that up, and, in hopes of making it easier for him to try, I'll point out that, to an extent, a date's just a private hang out session with possible, consensual intimacy (and he and I hang out pretty regularly already), and I'd limit it to only hugs just to ease him in.

That said though, even I'm thinking this is too insane to work, but what do you doods think? Should I roll the dice?, or should I just hope that he grows as a person on his own?
 

Vendor-Lazarus

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I know what it's like to have anxiety and self-doubt.
Some might need help in overcoming it by finding new ways of thinking, without the pressure of being pushed or stressed.
Others might actually need that push to be able to come to a conclusion. It is a bit different how it manifests in people.

What you are doing is a good thing straight from the heart, and if you think you know him that well, and have talked it over with him first, go for it!
The act of "playing out" a scenario he would usually turn down could help him ease into trying it out next time.
Might need more sessions though. Also some thought maneuvers.

I should stress that you need to make it very clear from the beginning that this is only practice, no ulterior emotional feelings involved as you said.

Good luck to you both!
 

fix-the-spade

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DarklordKyo said:
I'm considering asking him out on a date.
You're doomed, DOOMED!

-ahem-

More seriously, this can go all kinds of ways. If you're going to ask him out on a date you have to be prepared for the possibility that you're going to end up with a new boyfriend. Alternatively neither of you will take it seriously as a date and you'll just spend some time hanging out, which will change nothing since you weren't on a 'real' date and he'll still panic over the next time.

So, if you actually do want a date with him, fire away. If not, just hang out some more, since that's what you'll do anyway on your it's totally a date mate.
 

Squilookle

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You can try it, but just know that the whole time he won't see it as a dress rehearsal but just a dumb exercise. The same happens when you try to roleplay with anyone in the environment they struggle with. They take comfort that it's you- someone they know, and instantly the whole exercise is now removed from any other real-world-with-strangers application. You will also need to consider what his perception of your intentions will be pretty much forever onwards. What you say about it will be irrelevant. It is the action that will make him wonder.

I'd suggest you remind him that there's nothing wrong with having anxiety, but to prevent him shooting himself in the foot like that and missing out in life again in the future, tell him to OWN that anxiety. If someone shows interest in him and that makes him anxious- he need to be able to just say so. Clarifying it to himself and others isn't just a way to deal with it, it also prevents misunderstandings, and profound regret.
 

DarklordKyo

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Squilookle said:
I'd suggest you remind him that there's nothing wrong with having anxiety, but to prevent him shooting himself in the foot like that and missing out in life again in the future, tell him to OWN that anxiety. If someone shows interest in him and that makes him anxious- he need to be able to just say so. Clarifying it to himself and others isn't just a way to deal with it, it also prevents misunderstandings, and profound regret.
Well, to be fair, that dude he shot down way back when was someone that he, apparently, had a crush on.
 

DarklordKyo

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fix-the-spade said:
More seriously, this can go all kinds of ways. If you're going to ask him out on a date you have to be prepared for the possibility that you're going to end up with a new boyfriend.
[*shrugs*] Well, if it ends up going that way, I don't really mind. He and I get along pretty well as is, and I, apparently, light up his life enough that he briefly spazzes out when I enter the room (granted, for all I know, he could do that with a lot of his friends, but still).
 

DarklordKyo

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Vendor-Lazarus said:
What you are doing is a good thing straight from the heart, and if you think you know him that well, and have talked it over with him first, go for it!
The act of "playing out" a scenario he would usually turn down could help him ease into trying it out next time.
Might need more sessions though. Also some thought maneuvers.
Got any advice?, because it was pointed out that he might just see it as a glorified hang out session, and, thus, might not have that much progress towards dealing with that anxiety.
 

Lufia Erim

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Or, you can act like an adult and preface you asking him out with a " i know you have axiety issues and all that but i'm asking anyways".


This is some soap opera leveled shit you are pulling here dude. Seriously, i don't understand why people don't just behave like the adults they are and talk things out.
 

DarklordKyo

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Lufia Erim said:
Or, you can act like an adult and preface you asking him out with a " i know you have axiety issues and all that but i'm asking anyways".


This is some soap opera leveled shit you are pulling here dude. Seriously, i don't understand why people don't just behave like the adults they are and talk things out.
Well, I did mention it's an insane idea, and I did want to workshop it first.
 

Vendor-Lazarus

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DarklordKyo said:
Vendor-Lazarus said:
What you are doing is a good thing straight from the heart, and if you think you know him that well, and have talked it over with him first, go for it!
The act of "playing out" a scenario he would usually turn down could help him ease into trying it out next time.
Might need more sessions though. Also some thought maneuvers.
Got any advice?, because it was pointed out that he might just see it as a glorified hang out session, and, thus, might not have that much progress towards dealing with that anxiety.
If you just "hang out" and call it a date..It wouldn't really help I think. Make it Different. Wear fancy clothes. Talk fancy. Fancy restaurant? split bill?
I'm just going from what I think would help me..but I haven't got any friends so no one has actually done this for me.
It could, possibly, go pear-shaped as well. ^^

The act of repetition and making it familiar would at least alleviate some of my anxiety.
As well as thinking out scenarios in my head, but that is of course limited to only my view-point.
 

Avnger

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DarklordKyo said:
I have this friend who has some serious relationship anxiety. For example, one time, when the dude he had a crush on asked him out, he instantly shot the guy down because of said anxiety. Now, you never know what the future holds, and, for all we know, he could be destined to be some lucky guy's house spouse. Towards the end of helping him deal with his relationship anxiety, I had an idea that, honestly, is insane even by my standards.

I'm considering asking him out on a date.

Now bear with me, let me clear up a few things. First of all, I'll make sure he's fully aware of my plan, I'll point out that there aren't any ulterior motives, though we've gotten tight enough that he might not bring that up, and, in hopes of making it easier for him to try, I'll point out that, to an extent, a date's just a private hang out session with possible, consensual intimacy (and he and I hang out pretty regularly already), and I'd limit it to only hugs just to ease him in.

That said though, even I'm thinking this is too insane to work, but what do you doods think? Should I roll the dice?, or should I just hope that he grows as a person on his own?
If he has anxiety to the point that it is actively interfering with his life and happiness, he really should see a mental health professional about it.
 

Asita

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Wouldn't it be just as easy to go on a double date? You and your date set up him and someone you think would hit it off with him? Group situation reduces individual stress, allows friends to keep an eye on each other and prod them when they're stumbling. At the same time, it keeps it grounded in reality instead of the understanding that it's "just practice".
 

DarklordKyo

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Avnger said:
If he has anxiety to the point that it is actively interfering with his life and happiness, he really should see a mental health professional about it.
He does have a counselor, so already good on that front.
 

DarklordKyo

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Asita said:
Wouldn't it be just as easy to go on a double date? You and your date set up him and someone you think would hit it off with him? Group situation reduces individual stress, allows friends to keep an eye on each other and prod them when they're stumbling. At the same time, it keeps it grounded in reality instead of the understanding that it's "just practice".
Wouldn't that be a threesome?, the date in question is him.
 

Asita

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DarklordKyo said:
Asita said:
Wouldn't it be just as easy to go on a double date? You and your date set up him and someone you think would hit it off with him? Group situation reduces individual stress, allows friends to keep an eye on each other and prod them when they're stumbling. At the same time, it keeps it grounded in reality instead of the understanding that it's "just practice".
Wouldn't that be a threesome?, the date in question is him.
...No? "You and your date set up him and someone you think would hit it off with him". The assumption of this is that you're going out with someone other than your friend. So you arrange a date with someone, and you and/or your date figure out someone who would get on well with your friend. The four of you go out, you're there to coach, calm, and/or correct course for your friend as needed.
 

DarklordKyo

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Asita said:
...No? "You and your date set up him and someone you think would hit it off with him". The assumption of this is that you're going out with someone other than your friend. So you arrange a date with someone, and you and/or your date figure out someone who would get on well with your friend. The four of you go out, you're there to coach, calm, and/or correct course for your friend as needed.
My friend IS the date.
 

DarklordKyo

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Okay, got a lot of good, and varied responses, so I have a question. We have a couple mutual friends I hang with nearly as much as I do with him. Should I workshop this idea with them?
 

Squilookle

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DarklordKyo said:
Squilookle said:
I'd suggest you remind him that there's nothing wrong with having anxiety, but to prevent him shooting himself in the foot like that and missing out in life again in the future, tell him to OWN that anxiety. If someone shows interest in him and that makes him anxious- he need to be able to just say so. Clarifying it to himself and others isn't just a way to deal with it, it also prevents misunderstandings, and profound regret.
Well, to be fair, that dude he shot down way back when was someone that he, apparently, had a crush on.
That is exactly why I said what I said. Does he want to keep making that mistake the rest of his life?